If you don’t want to drive your ex further away, here are 4 mistakes to avoid making…
1. Not Changing the Things That She Really Wants You to Change (Usually Different From What She Tells You)
Wouldn’t it be nice if women just said what they really mean all the time?
A woman would say something like, “Here is an exact list of the things about you and your behavior that are making me unhappy. Please study it and make sure you make the necessary changes. If you don’t change those things about yourself, I’m going to break up with you, okay?”
Yet, that’s not how most women work.
In most cases, a woman will just hint at what is bothering her (e.g. if he’s being insecure, she might nag him about not being more confident), or make some well suggestions in the hopes that the guy will catch on and then improve on his attitude or behavior.
For example: A guy might be at a point in his life where he’s stuck in a rut.
He has a dead-end job, spends his evenings and weekends watching TV and is generally not doing much to improve himself as a man and secure a better future for him and her.
For most women, a guy who lacks ambition in life is a turn off because it doesn’t make her feel safe.
She feels as though she won’t be able to fully rely on him to take care of her and a family if they ever decide to have one together.
So, to motivate him to change, she might say something like, “I was going through the paper this morning and I saw a job that would be perfect for you. I think you’ll love it. Why don’t you take a look and see if you like it?”
If he picks up on her hint and makes an effort to get out of his dead end job and become a bigger man, she will feel a lot of respect for him and her feelings of attraction and love will deepen.
On the other hand, if he just ignores her and carries on being the same old unmotivated guy that he’s always been, she will become increasingly frustrated and annoyed.
This may then lead to fights and disagreements, until finally one day she decides that enough is enough and just breaks up with him.
Here’s the thing though…
A woman will usually avoid giving her real reason for breaking up with him and will instead say something like, “I just don’t have feelings for you anymore,” or “I don’t feel like I want to be in a relationship right now. I need some space to be myself” or, “I want to be alone to focus on what I want from my life.”
Essentially, she is turned off by his lack of direction and feels like she has to be more responsible and start working towards a better future for herself.
So, why doesn’t she just say that?
Why don’t most women just come out and say exactly what is bothering them and what the guy can really do to change?
The main reason is because most women don’t want to be a guy’s teacher, mother or big sister in life and have to teach him how to be the kind of man she can look up to, respect and feel attracted to.
A woman doesn’t want to feel like she has to take care of her man and guide him through the steps of manhood because he doesn’t know how to do that by himself.
She wants him to figure out how to be the man that she needs him to be, without her having to hold his hand and guide him along.
So, before you attempt to get your ex back, make sure you know her real (secret) reasons for breaking up with you.
If you don’t, you will be offering her the wrong things and that will drive her further away from you.
For example: A woman might break up with a guy because he’s fallen into the habit of criticizing or belittling her (in private as well as in front of other people) for any mistakes she might make.
To get her back, he might then say something like, “Please give me another chance. I promise to take you out more often and buy you the nice things you want. I’ll take you on holidays. We’ll do more fun things, I promise.”
Yet, that’s not what she wants.
She wants him to treat her with more respect and he’s offering to change the wrong things about himself, which only makes her think, “He clearly doesn’t get it. He’s still the same guy that he was before and if I get back with him, he’s not really going to change. I’ve got to steer clear of him.”
She then tries to cut him out of her life (e.g. blocks his phone number, blocks him on social media, or just stops answering his calls or reply to his texts) so she can move on.
So, if you are serious about getting your ex back, it’s very important that you understand her real (usually very secret) reasons why she broke up with you.
For example: She may have wanted you to be more ballsy around her, rather than being so nice, but she’s not going to explain to you exactly what you need to say and do to be like that.
Additionally, if you start acting more ballsy, she will almost certainly act like she doesn’t like it, just so she can test to see if you’re putting on an act or if you really are more ballsy for real now.
Remember: If you try to get her back by offering to change the wrong things about yourself, she will feel as though you don’t understand her, which will make her feel even less respect and attraction for you.
Another thing that will drive your ex further away is…
2. Ignoring Her With the No Contact Rule Without First Reactivating Her Feelings
This has to be the most common ex back mistake that guys make these days.
Watch this video for more info…
Here’s the thing…
When a woman breaks up with a guy, it’s usually because she has stopped feeling respect, attraction and love for him over time.
So, when the guy decides to ignore her for 30 to 60 days by using the No Contact Rule, rather than make her think, “Why is my ex ignoring me? Why isn’t he trying to get me back? I miss him so much! I’d better call him up and try to get him back before he moves on with another woman!!!” she is usually thinking, “Good! This turned out better than I hoped for. Now I can focus on enjoying my life without him and doing all the things that I’ve been missing out on, like hanging out with my friends, going clubbing and meeting a great guy who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated.”
Why does she react to the No Contact Rule (ignoring a woman for 30 to 60 days after a break up) in that way?
If a woman doesn’t have feelings for a guy, she’s not going to get overly worried about not hearing from him.
She doesn’t feel respect, attraction or love for him so it doesn’t really matter to her.
Instead, she’s just going to feel relieved and will move on without him.
Based on helping 100s of guys to actually get their woman back, I’ve found that ignoring a woman only works if she’s still in love with the guy, is struggling to get over the pain of the break up, or if she simply can’t find herself a replacement guy.
In almost all other cases, a woman will just use the time that her ex is ignoring her to get over him and find herself a new man.
So, if you don’t want to drive your ex further away from you, don’t waste a lot of time ignoring her in the hopes that it will matter to her.
What you need to be doing is actively make her have feelings of respect and attraction for you again, by interacting with her (on a phone call and in person) and letting her experience the new, improved version of you.
Then, don’t contact her for a few days unless she contacts you.
That’s what works.
When you reactivate her feelings first and then ignore her for a few days, it’s more effective because it suddenly matters to her that you’re not contacting her.
She starts to wonder, “Why am I suddenly thinking about him all the time? Could he have met someone else? Why isn’t he calling me? Maybe I should call him and see if we can get back together again. I miss him. There’s nothing wrong with calling him. I might even meet up with him to see how I feel. I can’t stop thinking about him all of a sudden, so why not – I’m just going to do it.”
That’s how you want her to be feeling because it then becomes about her wanting you back, not just you wanting her back.
On the other hand, if you ignore her before you’ve re-sparked her feelings for you, she’s not going to care and will just try to move on without you so she can completely forget about you.
Remember: In almost all cases, actively making your ex having feelings for you again works faster than ignoring her and hoping that she misses you.
Another thing that will drive your ex further away from you is…
3. Becoming Insecure
Sometimes, when a guy gets broken up with, he might begin to lose confidence in himself and in his value to his ex (or even other women).
He may start to think, “I really stuffed up my relationship and I’ve lost the woman I love. It’s all my fault. I’ll never be able to get her back. Besides, why would she want me back anyway? I’m such a loser. I’m sure there are hundreds of guys out there who want her. I don’t stand a chance.”
He then starts to become a bit of an emotional wussy.
Watch this video for more info…
He stops displaying the qualities that attracted his ex to him in the first place (e.g. his confidence, his belief in his value to women, his ability to stand up for himself, his natural charisma) and he instead becomes insecure and self-doubting.
That’s not what a woman wants.
Even though a woman doesn’t want a guy who treats her badly, or disregards her feelings, she definitely doesn’t want to be with a guy who is emotionally weak and insecure either.
Women are instinctively attracted to the kind of guy who is confident and emotionally strong enough to face the challenges of life head on, without becoming flustered, insecure or losing confidence in himself as a man.
So, when a guy becomes insecure around a woman after a break up, rather than make her think, “Awww… poor guy! This break up has been so difficult for him. Maybe I’m being too hard on him here. Maybe I should give him another chance,” she will usually be thinking, “Well if I wasn’t sure about breaking up with him before, seeing him like this has made up my mind for me! How disappointing. Doesn’t he realize that when he’s going around feeling sorry for himself and being all insecure and wimpy, he’s just turning me off even more? I don’t want to be with a guy who doesn’t believe in himself and in his value to me. I want to be with a guy that makes me feel lucky to have him.”
She doesn’t tell him that of course, because women don’t want to be a guy’s teacher in life about how to be a real man.
Women expect you to know this stuff or learn it and then start being what they refer to as a real man.
If you don’t, you get dumped, cheated on or divorced.
It’s just the way it goes.
So, if you don’t want to drive your ex further away, you need to believe in yourself and remain confident around her no matter what she says or does.
When you do that, she won’t be able to stop herself from feeling respect and attraction for you again.
Of course, she may try to test you (e.g. by acting closed off, saying she doesn’t have feelings for you) to see if your confidence is real, or if you’re just pretending to be confident.
However, if you continue to remain emotionally strong, relaxed and easy-going around her regardless of what she says or does, her guard will come down and she will become open to the idea of getting back with you.
Another thing that will drive your ex further away from you is…
4. Seeking Pity
Sometimes, when a woman is saying things like, “Leave me alone. I just don’t feel anything for you anymore,” a guy might feel at such a loss of how to make her change her mind that he might try to make her feel sorry for him.
For example: He might say to her, “Please don’t do this. I love you. How many times do I have to apologize before you cut me some slack and give me a chance? I haven’t been able to eat or sleep properly since we broke up. You mean everything to me. I know that I stuffed up, but at least give me one more chance to make it up to you. You never used to be a cruel woman, but you seem to have changed all of a sudden. Now you seem to get a kick out of seeing me like this. Please…just give me one more chance. Remember the love we used to share. I still love you more than anything. I will do anything you want. Please, just give a chance here. I’m dying on the inside without you. I need you.”
Yet, trying to make a woman feel pity or guilt for the emotional pain that you’re experiencing usually only turns her off even more.
A woman doesn’t like to feel like she’s doing a guy a favor by being with him, simply because he’s too emotionally weak to cope with being broken up.
Even if a woman is really soft-hearted and she meets up with a guy after he has sought her pity, if all he’s doing is trying to cash in on her good nature and isn’t doing anything else to actively re-spark her feelings for him, she will just continue on with the break up.
So, if you don’t want to drive your ex further away from you, don’t play the pity card on her.
Instead, focus on re-sparking her feelings of respect and attraction for you, so that she will actually want to meet up with you again because it feels good to her.
Let her want you back, not feel as though she is being made to feel sorry for you and has to give you another chance out of pity.
That approach will temporarily work on some women, but it doesn’t last.
If you want her back for real, you have to do it properly.
Have You Been Re-Attracting Her or Turning Her Off?
Most guys make the same rookie mistakes after a break up, which cause a woman to lose even more interest, so don’t feel bad on yourself if you’ve made any of the following mistakes:
- Begging and pleading with her for a second chance.
- Promising her that he will change.
- Asking her to tell him what she wants him to do to make her happy.
- Telling her how much he loves her and that he can’t live without her.
- Giving her reasons why they should stay together.
- Being extra nice to her in the hopes that she will see what a great guy he is and change her mind.
Yet, in almost all cases, when a woman has lost respect and attraction for a guy, she won’t easily change her mind based on those approaches.
Even though the guy is trying to reason with her and explain to her that he can change (and he’s usually being 100% honest too), she’s just going to be saying things like, “Look…I’m just not attracted to you anymore. Please accept that it’s over between us,” or “I need time apart,” or “I just don’t want to be in a relationship anymore.”
Essentially, what she’s saying is that she just doesn’t have feelings for him and that he doesn’t even know how to make her have feelings for him.
All he’s doing is begging, pleading, convincing, asking, going on and on about the same old things, but not triggering her feelings for him.
As a result, he drives his ex further away from him.
Use an Approach That Actually Works
Getting your ex back is actually only 3 simple steps away.
So, rather than waste a lot of time doing things that will only drive her further away from you, you need to…
- Reactivate her feelings of respect and attraction for you (e.g. by making her smile and laugh, making her feel feminine and girly in your presence).
- Give her a few days of space if she needs it (no longer than 3 to 7 days at a time).
- Meet up with her to guide her back into a relationship.
When your ex sees that you’re approaching getting her back in a confident, emotionally mature way, she won’t be able to stop herself from dropping her guard and allowing herself to imagine what it would feel like to be back in your arms again.
From there, it’s up to you to make her feel emotions that hasn’t experience with you in a while (e.g. excitement, anticipation, unpredictability) and let her to see that getting back together is going to be a whole new, fun adventure that you and her can enjoy together.