Sex talk: When no actually means yes

You can't always take what a woman says as what she actually means

Wouldn’t it be great if people always said what they really meant? Unfortunately, many people, especially women, send out mixed messages in conversations and in relationships.

Nowhere is this more evident than in the case of whether or not a woman wants to have sex with you. Too often a woman will say "No" to sex, when she really means "Yes – just give me a little more time." Depending on how she says "No" can leave a guy feeling frustrated, confused or thinking that maybe she doesn’t even like him at all.

Sex Terms

In many countries, people often use baseball terms to describe what type of sexual encounter they’ve had. Often, you'll hear a guy say something like, "I got to third base, but couldn't get the home run." Or, a woman might say, "Well, we went to second base, but I stopped him before he reached third."

Using these terms, first base is when you're kissing and/or are passionately making out, with or without tongue-kissing. Second base is when you're fondling her above (and occasionally underneath) her clothes, but there's no penetration. Third base is when some clothes have been removed, or there is at least some bare skin involved. Third base also includes caressing, fondling, oral sex, stroking and penetration with your fingers. Finally, there is the home run or home base, which means full, naked intercourse with penile, digital (fingers) and oral stimulation.

When “No” Means “Yes” About Her Desire to Have Sex

So, let’s imagine that you've made it to first base with a new woman. You're hugging and kissing each other passionately and you decide that you want to get to second base with her. Slowly, you work your way to her breasts and start to caress them from the outside. You may even get as far as unbuckling her bra and slipping your hand under her top to get to third base.

Up until now, she's right there along with you. She's responding to your kisses and strokes and she’s maybe even stroking you in kind, but as your hand touches her naked skin under her top, she says, "No...we shouldn’t" or "Stop" or gives you another obvious signal that she doesn't want you to go further, such as forcefully moving your hand away.

Does she really mean for you to stop completely? For the moment assume that, yes, she does want you to stop and respect her wish. However, if she didn’t push you away forcefully or stop the kissing, try nibbling on her ear and kissing and stroking her neck to see if she stops you again. If she doesn't, slowly work your way to second base once again. As you head toward third base, see if she once again stops you. If she does, then you might want to call it a night or be satisfied with what she is willing to do.

Alternately, if she doesn't stop you, you may be headed for a pleasurable home run (sex). In these cases, “No” actually means “Yes”, but she just didn’t want to seem too easy in your eyes by accepting your sexual advances immediately. Don't take it personally; it's just her way of protecting the foundation of your potential relationship. She doesn’t want you looking back on it and thinking that she was an ‘easy lay’ and won’t be very trustworthy if another man tries to get her into bed.

Mind Games

Some women are just teases who love the feeling of the chase. They enjoy the start and stop action and how it affects a man, often turning him into a willing slave – ready to do anything for her or say anything that pleases her, in the hope that she will give in and submit to sex. This can get very tiring for and frustrating for a guy and depending on how much you like her, you need to decide whether she is worth the hassle.

The best strategy is to reverse the situation on her. Get her all worked up with some passionate kissing and when she grabs your penis, tell her “Wait...not yet...” and then slow things down to a hug. Wait a minute or two, then get start once again by getting her all worked up with slow kissing (not passionate, strong kissing like before). When she tries to grab your lower-regions again, say, “Okay, just for a little bit, but we are stopping after a minute...” Good luck trying to stop!

When “No” Really Does Mean “No”

There are times when women say "No" to sex and really mean it. If a woman pushes you away, raises her voice or is insistent about not having sex, then she is usually not playing at all. She isn’t kidding and she isn’t trying to get you all worked up for nothing. Do not proceed any further. If you do, you could find yourself with an attempted rape case slamming down on you.

Whatever you do, don't beg or plead for her to have sex with you, don't whine and don't try to convince her either by words, action or force that she really does want to have sex with you. In the situations where a woman really doesn’t want to have sex, just stop – it’s not worth the hassle. However, most of the time when a woman says "No" to sex, but doesn’t forcefully push you away, she just wants you to give her a little more time – whether than be two minutes, two hours, two days or two weeks. It’s all part of the fun for both of you.



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