Why is it that some guys seem to have lots of friends, while other guys have one or two friends or are completely on their own most of the time?
Why can some guys maintain lasting friendships and never lose touch with old friends even if they get into a relationship with a woman, while other guys get left behind and then struggle to find new friends?
If you are one of the many guys who are saying, “I don’t have many friends,” what is the real reason why it keeps happening to you?
If you search around online, people will tell you to go volunteer or “spend more time around people,” or “be a good friend to people and they will like you,” but is that isn’t the answer to your problem.
The reason why you don’t have many friends runs deeper than that.
I remember a time when I had only one friend in the world and he was a negative guy who would bring me down.
When I got cheated on and then dumped by my girlfriend, he told me that all women were sl*ts and that they couldn’t be trusted, when in fact the breakup was MY fault and my insecurity and over-protectiveness caused her to want out of the relationship.
My negative friend would always speak badly about other people, point out their flaws and talk about how stupid they were for not being like him.
For example: He’d say things like, “Check out that idiot. What a sheep. Smoking his cigarette like its cool. What a loser” and other negative comments like that.
By spending a lot of time around him, I began to feel as though people were mean, selfish, sheepish and stupid…and guess what – I was wrong. Sure, there are some stupid people in this world, but it wasn’t until I began seeing the GOOD in people that I started to make loads of new friends.
See the Good in Women
Back when I didn’t have many friends, it was difficult for me to see the good in people, especially women.
I hated the way that women rejected me, overlooked me and ignored me if I tried to get to know them.
Yet, I decided to try something different.
I decided to try and look for the good in women, rather than assuming that they were bad people and were ready to reject me.
Whenever I went out to approach and meet women, rather than looking for negative signals from women, I began to look at the ways that women behaved in a more positive light.
For example: I began to understand why women seemed to act bitchy, cold or rude when a guy approached them. In the past, I thought it was because women were mean bitches and only wanted a really good looking guy, but I eventually realized that it is simply a woman’s way to test a man’s social confidence and confidence with women in general.
Why would she test that?
Think about it…
Throughout human history and even today, life has been a challenge. If a guy is socially confident, he will be more likely (but not guaranteed) to live a better life and be able to thrive and prosper more than a guy socially anxious guy who lacks confidence when tested by other people.
When I realized what women were actually doing, it allowed me to then begin attracting them with my confidence. Watch this video for the full story…
As you will discover from the video above, a lot of guy’s problems with socializing, meeting women and making friends comes back to his lack of social intelligence or social confidence.
He might be a good guy and have good intentions with women, but if he triggers a woman’s feelings of repulsion (e.g. by being nervous, self-doubting, etc), he is usually going to get rejected.
Likewise, if a guy is trying to make friends with people and comes across as a secretly needy guy, people will feel turned off by him. He may seem like a nice guy on the surface, but people will be able to sense his neediness, loneliness and confusion about why women (and the “cool crowd”) don’t seem to like him.
He will try to fit in with the cool crowd and try to get women to like him (e.g. by being a really nice guy), but something will be off about his behavior, vibe and actions. People will instinctively know that he is confused and is hoping to get people to like him in the wrong way.
For example: Watch this video to understand why being too nice to a woman will often lead to rejection…
As you will discover from the video above, a lot of guys put on an act of being an even nicer guy than they actually are. They do that to hopefully be liked enough by a woman to be given a chance.
In terms of making friends, some guys make the mistake of trying to show people how nice, generous and kind they are, in the hope of being liked. People will sense his desperation and although they might not ever tell him, they will secretly feel as though he is a bit of a social loser for being such an ass-kisser.
Here’s the thing…
There’s nothing wrong with being good, but if a guy is extra nice in the hope that it will make people want to be his friend, then he’s doing it wrong.
If you want people to want to your friend, be the good guy that you are, but also assume that you are more than good enough to be considered a friend without having to do 100 favors for them.
You’ve got to know that you are more than good enough and then simply be your normal, cool, charismatic self and let the friendship happen naturally as a result.
Choosing to See the Good in People Has Allowed Me to Effortlessly Attract a Lot of Friends
As I type this article, I am 36 years old and have more friends than I can honestly count. I really do have too many friends and simply don’t have enough time to catch up with them all or talk to them on the phone.
I don’t say that to brag, but to point out something important…
I used to have one friend.
Now, I have more friends that I have time for.
Well, I’ve learned a lot about life, love and friendships over the years, but one of the greatest things that I’ve discovered is the importance of seeing the good in people.
Initially, I started doing it because I read about it in a book somewhere and I thought, “Why not? I’ll give it a try and see how things go.” Yet, before I knew it, I was happier, had more friends and my life was on the up and up.
As the years went on, I came to know that most people are actually GOOD people. Yet, because of their lack of social skills or because of certain insecurities or bad traits that they’ve picked up from other people, they sometimes come across in a way that annoys you or frustrates you.
They even make mistakes and do selfish things, but really, they are just trying to be liked, loved, understood or appreciated by others. They may not be going about it in the right way, but at their core, most people are GOOD people.
When I had that realization, it let me see PAST the surface level behavior of people so I could understand and love a person for who they are.
In fact, it even allowed me to let my “negative friend” back into my life (in small doses!) because he doesn’t have any other real friends and I do value him as a friend.
The thing is, he isn’t negative because he is a bad person, but because he is insecure about his intelligence and value as a person, so he likes to put others down to feel good about himself. He’s the sort of guy who always says, “I told you so” or claims to be right, even though he is wrong.
In the 15 years I’ve known him, he has never once admitted to making a mistake in his thinking or opinions.
I’ve tried addressing it with him, but he just denies it. Why? You can only help those who want to be helped and he’s convinced himself that he’s the smartest man on the planet and everyone else is an idiot, so it’s pretty difficult to help him!
However, I don’t let that affect our friendship or annoy me. I just accept him and love him for who he is. As a result, he feels understood and comfortable around me and we’re able to enjoy the better parts about our friendship, such as our passion for discussing existence, the universe and the reality around us.
Apart from being positive about things that he likes, he pretty much sees the BAD in everyone else. Not surprisingly, he’s usually pretty depressed about life, has no good friends and spends a lot of time posting negative things on Facebook.
Personally speaking, my life has been great ever since I chose to see the good in people. Initially, it was something that I had to keep reminding myself to do, but it eventually became automatic.
More importantly, when it became an automatic response for me to see the good in people, suddenly most people wanted to be my friend.
So, I highly recommend that you begin practicing seeing the good in people, even if you do it sometimes at the moment. Get into the habit of doing it all the time and it will change your life in so many positive ways, including adding loads more friends to your life.
In addition to having most people want to be my friend or at least spend more time with me, here are some of the benefits I have experienced from being in the habit of seeing the good in people:
- I feel less stress and worry about the faults of others.
- It doesn’t bother me if someone is being a jerk. I know that it is their problem and has nothing to do with me.
- I am able to love people for who they are and as a result, I have loads of friends in my life and I am able get along with people instantly.
- People often say things like, “We should catch up!” or “We should spend more time together” even though I’ve just met them.
- I am able to love and accept a woman (even if she has a bitchy personality) right away and as a result, she feels lucky to have met a guy who loves her for who she is and can deal with who she is. As a result, women “light up” (i.e. get excited, become animated, get turned on) when they meet me.
- I am happier and laugh at things more than the average person.
If you’re currently in the habit of seeing the flaws in people, try switching to seeing their good qualities.
It doesn’t mean that you don’t pay any attention to their flaws and see them as being perfect. Instead, it’s about accepting them for who they are and loving the good parts about them. Additionally, when you are beginning to develop a friendship, you can give them feedback on some of their bad qualities.
Real Friends vs. Facebook Friends
These days, people can have 100s or even 1,000s of “friends” on Facebook, Whatsapp, Twitter and so on, but that doesn’t automatically mean they’ll have loads of friends in real life.
It’s nice to have “online friends,” but life is pretty lonely if you don’t have many real friends in your day-to-day life.
Real friends are people who know the real you, people you can be yourself around and people whom you actually know in the real world. Some qualities of real friends include:
- Acceptance: Great friends accept each other as they are; they never try to change one another and they accept that nobody is perfect.
- Appreciation: Great friends never take one another for granted; they value the contribution that the other person makes to the friendship and they make sure that the other person knows.
- Listening: Great friends don’t hog conversations and make get-togethers all about them; they listen to each other and connect on many levels as a result.
- Patience: Great friends have patience with one another and forgive “arguments” easily; they see the bigger picture and let go of anger, so they can get back to enjoying the friendship.
- Authenticity: Great friends are totally at ease being themselves around each other; they trust each other each other and can be relied upon to be their genuine selves.
- Loyalty: Great friends are loyal to each other and always look out for each other. If your current friends don’t care if you live or die, fail or succeed, then they aren’t real friends.
Already doing all those things for people, but still don’t have many friends? Well, you need to…
Stop Trying So Hard
Whenever I’ve helped guys who have hardly any (or no) friends in their life, they almost always tell me how much effort they go to be liked by their friends.
In his mind, a guy like this believes that being really good to someone and doing lots of favors for them will get them to like you.
Yet, that isn’t how it works. In my life, I have too many friends to the point where I don’t have time to speak to them on the phone, chat online or even catch up 1-on-1. In most cases, I catch up with a bunch of friends at the same time to save time, but sometimes I allocate time to catch up 1-on-1 with some of my best friends.
Here’s the thing though…
I never call, text or message my friends to get them to catch up with me. They are always contacting me.
The same applied to my dating life – women would always call and text me to catch up. I was always just replying to texts or phone calls and saying “Yes” or “No” to offers to catch up with me. As for my friendships, the same thing happens, but why?
I had a chat with my girlfriend (update: We recently got married) about this because she even noticed it and commented on it about 6 months into our relationship.
She said, “When we go out with friends, they are always talking to you, interrupting other people to talk to you, or standing there waiting for another person to finish talking so they can talk to you.
When we’re at home, people are always calling and texting you. What’s with that?” I honestly didn’t know and had to stop and think about for a bit. Here are the reasons I gave my girlfriend:
- When people talk to me, they feel good about themselves because they know that I accept them for who they are.
- I am a man of purpose, which makes people feel proud to say that they are my friend.
- When people talk to me, they always learn something new about life, love, existence, themselves, etc and that makes it exciting to be around me.
- Since I live my life by my own rules, people see that as cool and they look up to me. The more time they spend around me, the more confident they become to live life by their own rules (i.e. follow their dreams, do what they really want, say what they really want to say, etc).
- I am now an alpha male, which automatically makes people feel safe around me, proud to know me and even “cool” to be seen with me.
- I give love and add love to a situation, rather than having to take love (e.g. an insecure guy who needs compliments from people is trying to take love rather than give it), so people feel good around me.
- I don’t try to get people to like me. I just assume that we’ll get along and start the conversation with that mindset. Even if the person is weird and has trouble getting along with people, it doesn’t make me think, “Oh no! I’m stuffing up! He/she doesn’t like me!” I accept the person for who they are and love them in that moment. I don’t need anything from them and they eventually (usually very quickly) pick up on that. They then like me because I’m just there in the moment with them, allowing them to be themselves, while also being the cool guy that I am.
- I don’t try to impress people or get them to think I am “cool.” I already know that I’m cool, impressive and someone that they’d be lucky to know. It’s not arrogance to the point of thinking that I am better than other people, but it is confidence in myself and who I am.
Guys who come to me saying, “Dan, I don’t have many friends. What am I doing wrong?” often don’t realize that by trying too hard to be liked, they end up being seen as uncool or as a burden for people to carry.
If you need people to like you, then you are trying to take love from them. Since most people don’t have a lot of spare love to give (because they aren’t emotionally full), they feel repelled by people who need to take love from a friendship.