If you want her back, here are the 5 steps to follow…
1. Make Your Heart Unbreakable By Becoming Emotionally Independent First
Right now, the idea of getting over your broken heart and living a happy, productive and independent life without your ex might seem impossible.
When in your situation, a guys may think something like, “Being with her was the only thing that made me happy. Without her in my life I feel hopeless. There’s no point in doing anything anymore. I just want to be with her. I never thought she’d break my heart and leave me like this. I still love her, but I don’t know what to do to get her back. I’m stuck.”
If you can relate to that, you need to make a change.
Feeling like you need her back to feel whole again, or to give your life purpose and meaning is going to ruin your chances of getting her back.
If she interacts with you and senses that you need her back to feel better about yourself again, she will close up and feel turned off by your neediness.
So, if you want to her back, you first have to become emotionally independent and accept that it’s possible for you to live a happy and fulfilled life without her.
How can you do that?
By seeing your purpose in life (i.e. your biggest goals, dreams and ambitions) the most important thing to you, rather than looking at her for your sense of identity or purpose in this world.
It’s okay to make a woman the most important person in your life, but not the most important thing.
She won’t want to hear that she is the most important person to you until you reactivate her feelings for you and make her want you back.
When you have re-attracted her and are back in a relationship again, she will then feel good about being the most important person to you because she will be starting to feel the same way about you too.
So, if you want to get her back, make sure that you’re not going into the new relationship relying on her to give you a sense of identity and purpose in life.
You need to become emotionally independent because if you do, you will become attractive to her again.
You will automatically be more confident, have higher self-esteem and will be a man of purpose that she can look up to and feel proud to be associated with.
When you interact with her (e.g. on a phone call, or in person) and she realizes that you’re getting on with your life without her and are content and happy without her, she will begin to wonder, “Did I make the right decision to break up with him? Should I give him another chance? He’s definitely not the same insecure, self-doubting guy that I broke up with. He is more confident, self-assured and emotionally masculine now. I think I made a mistake breaking up with him. I wonder if he will forgive me for breaking his heart and allow us to start fresh in a new relationship together?”
2. Understand What Type of Attraction Experience She Really Wanted From You
Women rarely admit the subtle reasons why they dump a guy.
- He doesn’t stand up to her and put her back in her place in a loving, but assertive manner. Instead, he puts up with her bad behavior, which makes her feel unsafe about his ability to handle other challenging people in life (e.g. at work, friends, family).
- He doesn’t get along well with most of her friends and family because he’s too shy, is very opinionated or rude, is anti-social or thinks negatively of most people he meets.
- He has stopped being the confident guy she first met and has become very insecure and emotionally sensitive.
- He has stopped being a masculine guy and often copies her way of being (e.g. gossiping like a girl would, being emotional like a girl, giggling like a girl with her, being too cute to the point where he ends up acting like a boy not a man).
- She feels stronger than him emotionally, so if feels weird to submit to him sexually. She’s submitting to a force that is less powerful than her.
- He hasn’t reached her level of social intelligence yet (i.e. she is more mature, more experienced and more aware of social psychology than he is), so he ends up coming across as uncool or awkward in social situations.
- She fell in love with him at the start because he didn’t need her and it was fun to chase him, but he ended up changing completely and becoming a needy, clingy boyfriend (or husband).
So, if you want to get her back for real, you’ve got to change the things that really matter to her.
Changing things that she doesn’t care about (e.g. adding a bit more muscle by working out that gym, being even nicer to her, buying her a gift) isn’t going to work if that isn’t what she felt turned off by about you.
On that note, buying an ex woman a gift never works to get her back.
I’ve personally worked on 100s of ex back cases and in the cases where a guy has bought his ex woman a gift, paid her rent or bought her a ring, it has never worked.
What works is to actively make her feel attracted to you again.
If she’s going to give you another chance, she will be getting into a relationship with you, not with a gift.
It’s about how you make her feel when you interact with her on a phone call and in person.
That is what counts, so focus on that.
3. Get Clear On Why You Forgive Her For Breaking Your Heart
As painful as it might feel, you need to ask yourself, “Do I honestly still love my ex and feel that there is a real future for us together, or do I only want her back because I’m lonely without her? Do I want her back because I worry that I won’t be able to find another woman as good as her, or can I easily attract new, quality women whenever I want?”
If you honestly believe that she’s the one for you and that you and her can build a happy and lasting future together, then it’s very important that you:
- Fully forgive her for breaking your heart.
- Make some attractive changes and adjustments to the way you think, act and behave, so that when you interact with her from now on, you’re giving her the attraction experience she really wants (e.g. if you were insecure, you are now truly confident and emotionally strong).
- Forget about the past and move forward together with a clean slate (i.e. if you get into an argument with her, don’t bring up how she hurt you in the past).
- Focus on re-sparking her feelings of respect and attraction for you when you interact with her from now on (e.g. via text or e-mail, on social media, on a phone call, or in person).
On the other hand, if you only want your ex back because you’re afraid you won’t be able to get another, better woman than her, but in your heart you know she’s not a woman of good character (e.g. she’s disloyal, enjoys lying), chances are high that if you take her back, she will likely just break your heart again (e.g. by treating you badly, cheating on you with another guy).
If you can’t easily attract new women, watch this video…
If you can easily attract new women, but want her back because you believe she is the right woman for you, then read on…
4. Interact With Her and Reactivate Her Original Feelings For You
To get your ex back, you have to be active about it, rather than being inactive.
Instead of waiting around and hoping that she’ll call and say something like, “I’m so sorry for the way I treated you. You deserved so much better than that. Can you ever forgive me for hurting you like that? Would you ever be able to give me another chance? I love you, miss you and want you back” you’re actively interacting with her every chance you get (e.g. via text, on social media, over the phone, or meeting up with her in person) and making her feel a renewed sense of respect and attraction for you.
How can you do that?
By focusing on saying and doing the types of things that will make her laugh and smile and make her think, “He’s so confident and emotionally strong and mature now. I feel great when I’m around him. I wonder if he can forgive me so that we can work things out between us.”
Remember: You need to show her (via the way you think, talk, behave and interact with her) that you really have changed.
You can tell her that you’ve changed and expect her to believe it.
Women don’t believe it when a guy says he has changed.
Women believe it when they can see (based on how you now think, talk, feel, behave, act) that you really have changed and transformed into a better man.
If you want to get her back, you have to focus on allowing her to experience the new and improved you.
Part of doing that is not discussing your feelings to her and explaining how she broke your heart.
You want to show her that, even though you were clearly hurt when she broke up with you, it’s not something that is affecting you now.
Now, you are emotionally strong and emotionally independent and don’t need her love and acceptance to feel worthy and to have a sense of identity and meaning in this life.
You are your own man now.
That’s what she wants to see.
That is what will impress her and make her feel a strong, renewed sense of respect and attraction for you.
Unfortunately, a lot of guys aren’t aware of this, so they make the classic mistake of seeking pity from their ex woman for their broken heart.
For example: Sometimes, a guy will hope that if he can make his ex woman feel enough pity for him, she will feel guilty about what she did to him and come running back.
He might say something like, “You broke my heart, you know? I wasn’t able to eat or sleep properly for months. I was destroyed and you didn’t even care. You just started getting on with your life without me, as though our relationship and love didn’t even mean anything to you. How could you do that? Didn’t I mean anything to you? I still feel hurt about what you did. I don’t think I will ever properly recover from it. I’ve always loved you more than life itself. You mean everything to me, but clearly you don’t feel the same way about me.”
It seems like it might work, but it doesn’t.
A woman wants to be with a man because it feels right (i.e. she respects him, looks up to him, feels sexually attracted to him and loves him), not because she’s doing him a favor or feeling guilty for breaking his heart.
At the end of the day, she is an individual and isn’t obligated to take care of your feelings or give you another chance.
She will only care about you and want to be back with you if you make her have feelings for you again.
It has to be about her getting what she wants, not you getting what you want so you can feel better about yourself again.
So, a better way to talk about what happened is to simply say something like, “Yeah, it sucked when we broke up, but I quickly accepted it. I love you, but you and I are broken up and I accept that. Now I’m fine to just see you as a friend and nothing else.”
Alternatively, a great way to spark her feelings of attraction for you is by using humor to make her smile, laugh and feel good to be around you.
For example: You might say something like, “Yeah, that sucked when we broke up, but I forgot about it the next day and within a few days I couldn’t even remember your name. Who are you again?” and have a laugh with her about that.
Alternatively, you can say, “Yeah, I was a bit upset when we broke up, but when I realized it meant that I didn’t have to eat your cooking anymore, I was so happy. You’re a very pretty girl, but you’re a horrible cook” and have a laugh with her about that.
Of course, you can then say, “I was just kidding. I loved your cooking” and add in, “So, when are you going to come over and cook me some dinner? I’ll have some wine here and you can cook me up your special lasagna” or something like that.
Making light of what happened shows her that you’re emotionally stronger now and have the balls to joke around with her, rather than being on your best behavior and being super nice, or being needy and talking about your painful feelings all the time.
When you show her that you’ve changed and are no longer stuck at the same level you were at when she broke up with you, she won’t be able to stop feeling drawn to you again.
5. Get the Relationship Back Together, or at Least Get Back Into Each Other’s Life as Friends For Now
Sometimes a woman might not want to get back together right away and will say something like, “I’m not sure if it’s a good idea. Things turned out pretty badly for us the last time. I broke your heart. What if you can’t honestly forgive me for hurting you? Will you end up holding it against me every time we disagree or get into an argument? I don’t know if I want to risk that. I don’t want you seeking emotional revenge on me for hurting you.”
So, if she has her guard up for any reason and isn’t open to having a relationship with you at this point, just aim to be friends for now.
For example: You might say to her, “Okay, I accept how you feel. Let’s not try to have a relationship right now. We can still be friends though. There’s nothing wrong with that. We can catch up for a coffee and say hi as friends. Then, if we both decide that we can fully get over what happened between us in the past, we can give the relationship a real try. If not, we will go our separate ways and I won’t contact you anymore. In the meantime, we can just be friends only and take it from there. Let’s meet up for a coffee sometime this week.”
Most of the time, a woman will usually say something like, “I suppose we can be friends,” or “Okay, I guess we can do that.”
However, don’t make the mistake of thinking that being her friend means you have to be a good little boy around her and that you’re not allowed to flirt with her or make her feel sexually attracted to you.
Where a lot of guys go wrong when they get the chance to stay friends with their ex, is to actually act like just a friend.
They don’t use the opportunity to re-spark her feelings of sexual and romantic attraction and end up being a nice, sweet, platonic friend in the hopes that one day she will realize what a great guy he really is for hanging in there.
Yet, that rarely only happens when a woman is secretly still in love with her ex and wants him back.
In a case where a woman doesn’t feel a lot of respect, attraction and love for a guy (i.e. because he’s not doing anything to actively spark her feelings for him), it’s unlikely that she’s going to be the one who turns a comfortable friendship into a romantic relationship.
Instead, she will enjoy depending on him when she needs something (e.g. to borrow some money from him, to ask him to housesit for her, a shoulder to cry on when she’s feeling blue, run errands for her), but chances are high that she’ll be going out with other guys behind his back.
Then, one day, she will say, “I’m with someone else now and he doesn’t want me to hang out with you anymore. So, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to break off our friendship,” leaving him saying, “I don’t believe it! She broke my heart again! I still love her. I still want her back, but she doesn’t care. I was so good to her. I was such a great friend. I supported her and now she does this to me?”
Don’t let that happen to you.
The point of staying friends with your ex is for you to reactivate her feelings of respect, sexual attraction and love for you and to go back to being in a sexual, romantic relationship with her.
So, stop worrying about the past and how she broke your heart and start focusing on a positive future with her where the love, attraction, respect and trust between you and her is stronger than ever before.
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