If you’re experiencing a broken heart after being dumped by the woman you love and want back, use the following tips to heal, prepare yourself and then successfully get her back:
1. Get clear on why your heart is really breaking
When a guy gets broken up with by the woman he loves, it’s common for some people to say, “Just forget about her. You need to focus on moving on,” or “It’s her loss, not yours. There are plenty other women out there who would give anything to be with a great guy like you.”
Although people like that might be right, it’s usually not what a guy needs to hear at that point in time.
He wants her back, rather than just getting a pat on the back from friends.
As a result, their kind, thoughtful advice doesn’t work and ends up making him feel more brokenhearted.
So, what should you do instead?
The first thing you need to do is acknowledge that your heart is broken and understand why.
For example: You’ve probably been experiencing:
- A feeling of rejection.
- The loss of everything you had with your ex.
- A feeling of being left behind.
- A sense of hopelessness about the future (e.g. will you ever meet another woman who compares to her? Will you end up single and alone? Will you have to settle for a low quality woman?)
- Feelings of guilt if you believe certain of your actions and behaviors contributed to the breakup (e.g. you took her for granted, became too clingy and needy, were jealous and controlling).
- Disappointment that things didn’t work out.
- Overwhelming feelings of stress.
These are all valid emotions and it’s okay to feel them right now.
By allowing yourself to acknowledge that you’re going through the intense pain of a broken heart, you allow yourself to eventually surface as a stronger person ready to tackle life head on (e.g. re-attract your ex and get her back, move on and find another high quality woman).
2. Understand the two key ingredients for overcoming heartbreak
Those two ingredients are:
This is based on…
- Understanding that you can turn things around and get your ex back.
- The knowledge that you can refresh your understanding of what it takes to maintain a happy relationship.
- Leveling up your ability to make her and women in general feel attracted.
- The confidence that you can move on and find another woman who is equally, or even more amazing than your ex if you wanted to.
2) Effective action.
These are the actions that make a woman get back with a guy, even if she seemed sure about breaking up with him, or was doing fine without him.
- Using interactions to re-spark her sexual and romantic feelings for you, rather than wasting them by being too nice, polite or neutral.
- Showing her by your conversational style, attitude, actions and behavior that you’re at a different level now than when she broke up with you (e.g. more confident, emotionally independent, assertive).
- Having the ability to make her laugh and smile even when she’s being cold and closed off, or when an interaction feels stressful and tense.
- Confidently flirting with her to create sexual tension during interactions, rather than being afraid of her reaction if you do that (e.g. that she will get upset and then you will lose any chance you might have with her).
So, focus on those two key ingredients every time you feel sad or depressed.
3. Don’t waste time giving her months of space if you want her back
Some people think that the only way to heal from a broken heart is to move on and find someone else.
Yet, not all relationships need to be moved on from.
Many couples get back together.
- A 2013 study conducted at Kansas State University found that approximately 50% of couples get back together after a breakup.
- Another study conducted at the University of Texas at Austin, confirms these numbers, with 40-50 % of people getting back together with an ex to start a new relationship.
- A study published in the Journal of Adolescent Research found that 44% of young adults aged 17 to 24, reported breaking up and getting back together again and 53% admitted to having sex with an ex.
As you can likely see, getting an ex back is not as impossible as some people believe.
Yet, your chances do significantly drop the longer you wait.
Imagine what is likely going on in a woman’s head when she has just broken up with a guy.
She is probably feeling hurt, angry, disappointed and a whole host of other negative emotions.
So, if she’s feeling like that, not hearing from him is not going to suddenly make her want him back.
Instead, it will probably motivate her even more to get over him and move on.
Then, by the time he tries to get her back, she’s already with a new man and possibly in love and planning a future with him (i.e. to get married and start a family together).
This is why, if you want your ex back, the optimum amount of space you should give her is 3 to 7 days, before contacting her to guide her through the ex back process.
After that you are just increasing your chances of her getting over you and moving on.
4. Regain your sense of emotional independence before you reach out to her
When a guy is an individual he puts himself and his needs, wants and desires first.
For example: He might…
- Focus on pursuing his big purpose in life.
- Work on accomplishing his dreams and goals.
- Hang out and enjoy himself with friends without the responsibility that comes when a person is in a relationship (e.g. having to get home at a certain time, calling to check up on the other person’s well-being).
- Go traveling and meet and hook up with different women around the world.
- Enjoy life as a single man (e.g. date and sleep with random women).
Yet, when two people are in a relationship, they start to do a lot of things together rather than as individuals (e.g. from eating, sleeping and living together, to hanging out with the same friends and traveling).
Not because they’re forced into it, but because they want to.
It feels good.
So, naturally, when a breakup happens, that feeling of togetherness disappears too.
This is why it’s important to start feeling like an individual again (rather than your ex’s loving boyfriend) so you can move on and find a new woman, or re-attract her back.
Remember: Feeling like you need your ex back to feel whole again, or to give your life purpose and meaning is going to ruin your chances of getting her back.
If she interacts with you and senses that you need her back to feel better about yourself again, she will close up and feel turned off by your neediness.
Additionally, you will struggle to get over her, move on and be able to attract other women.
5. Prepare yourself to attract her in new ways
If your original approach to attraction resulted in her losing love and attraction for you, then don’t keep using it.
You can’t use the same old approach to attraction that you used in the past and expect her to be excited about it.
You’ve got to try something new.
For example: A guy used an approach of taking his girl out on lots of fun dates, or would often surprise her with unexpected gifts or bunches of flowers as a way of trying to keep things interesting.
Yet, the spark still wasn’t there because she didn’t feel much of a need to impress him in return.
So, if he uses that approach again, she will feel the same way (i.e. bored, unmotivated to put in any effort in return).
This is why, a new approach that would attract her, would be for him to be more of a challenge around her (e.g. by being good to her and treating her well, but also letting her see that he feels more attraction and love if she’s good to him and treats him well).
Another example is where a guy took his woman for granted and assumed she would stick with him because she loved him.
So, he didn’t make her feel special, wanted or noticed the way he did at the start of the relationship.
A new approach in a situation like that would be to make her feel loved and appreciated (e.g. by being attentive and showing appreciation when she puts in the effort to look attractive or do something nice for him).
However, he doesn’t do that in a desperate, or by sucking up to her or groveling, so she feels attracted to him again.
6. Prepare for whatever reaction you may get from her initially
For example: She might…
- Have no reaction at all (i.e. she ignores you, doesn’t reply to your texts, acts like you don’t exist).
- React in a negative way (e.g. she tells you to get lost/go away/leave her alone, seem annoyed or angry).
- Be cold and unfriendly towards you.
- Tell you that she hates you now.
- Tell you that she’s got a new boyfriend and is so much happier than she was with you.
- Respond positively and seem happy to hear from you.
- Be friendly towards you, but not be interested in getting back together.
- Seem open to interacting with you to see where things go.
- Be playful and flirtatious.
This is why, you need to be prepared to handle any one of these reactions in a way that will reactivate her feelings for you and make her want to give you another chance.
For example: If she seems interested, don’t kill it by immediately giving her a sense that you think you’re definitely getting back together.
Instead, just remain calm and confidently build up her feelings for you through humor, flirting and playfulness.
If she reacts angrily, be prepared to turn that around and make her laugh and smile instead of giving up and walking away.
If she just wants to be friends for now, agree to that.
Then use interactions to build up her feelings of sexual and romantic attraction so she starts to want something more (i.e. sex and a romantic relationship again).
7. Get through the 7 stages of grief as quickly as possible
The 7 stages of grief are:
- Shock (i.e. she really has left you).
- Denial (i.e. it can’t be true/she made a mistake).
- Anger (i.e. who needs her anyway).
- Bargaining (i.e. promising to do anything she wants for another chance).
- Depression (i.e. she’s really gone and it’s hopeless).
- Testing (i.e. sending out feeler texts to see how she feels).
- Acceptance (i.e. what happened, happened and now it’s about moving on and making a fresh start with someone else, or taking steps to get her back).
It’s okay to experience the emotions of each stage, but the longer a guy stays stuck in one stage, the longer it will take to get his ex back.
Some guys can get an ex woman back within days.
Others will take weeks or even months.
In some cases, a guy might take years and never fully get to Acceptance.
So, if you want to speed up the process and prepare yourself to be emotionally ready to get your ex back, you have to get rid of your neediness and desperation and accept the breakup as quickly as possible.
If you don’t, you won’t be emotionally attractive to her.
Right now, while you are feeling broken-hearted, it might not feel easy.
However, that’s because you are focusing on the problem (e.g. that she’s gone, you miss her, the pain).
Yet, when you focus on the solution (i.e. to get to Acceptance so you can begin re-attracting her), the process speeds up.
So focus on that.
8. Interact with her and create a new spark
Your interactions can be via text, social media but mostly over the phone and in person.
Some of the ways you can create a new spark are by…
- Being more confident around her, without worrying about what she’s thinking or how she’s feeling (i.e. your confidence is not dependent on her moods or her acceptance of you).
- Not being afraid to be playful and flirtatious around her, even though you’re no longer a couple.
- Continuing to treat her like she’s a sexy and desirable woman to you, rather than assuming that you have to treat her like a neutral friend from now on because you’re broken up.
- Using laughter and smiling as a way of cutting through all the negative emotions and bringing the two of you closer together again.
9. Don’t try to sell her on the new you
It’s about doing the work (i.e. changing and improving) but not trying to sell yourself to your ex based on the changes you’ve made.
In other words, don’t give her the sense that you’re hoping to be chosen by her.
That approach doesn’t work well on ex women or on new women that a guy wants to date.
The reason is, desperation isn’t attractive to women.
Neither is giving her so much power over you by putting her in the choosing position, which she doesn’t want.
She wants a man who remains confident, emotionally strong and in control of himself and any given situation, regardless of what other people think or how they behave, including a woman that he wants to get back.
If he can’t do that, it can cause her to play mind games with him (e.g. pretend to be interested one minute and then ignore him the next).
That can result in a guy behaving in an insecure way, which turns her off and convinces her that it’s pointless to give him another chance (i.e. because he’s still not emotionally attractive in the ways that she wants).
So, to avoid all that make sure you don’t look for your ex’s approval based on the changes you’ve made to yourself.
Instead, let her experience them by the way you talk, act behave and respond to her.
Just be the new, improved version of yourself when you interact with her and she will pick up on it automatically and be drawn to you.
10. Build up sexual tension and new feelings of love as you interact with her
By building the sexual tension between you and her, she can’t stop herself from wanting to release that tension with touching, kissing and sex.
Then, once she has sex with you again, it becomes a lot more difficult for her to stick with her decision to be broken up.
So, make sure that every time you interact with her you’re flirting, being playful, teasing her and making her laugh and smile, without pushing for a relationship again.
Flirting, teasing and playfulness make a woman feel sexually attracted to you and the fact that you’re not desperately trying to get a relationship again, creates a build up of desire from her side.
As a result, she naturally starts to feel twinges of love and begins imagining the two of you together again.
11. Let her sense that she could lose what she now has with you
You can do that by getting on with your life while you pursue her.
- Continue going out with friends.
- Hang out and have fun with other attractive women (you don’t have to date them, just enjoy hanging out together as friends).
- Keep working towards achieving your goals and dreams in life.
- Play a bit hard to get from time to time (e.g. don’t be available to her every time she wants to talk on the phone or see you in person).
That makes her feel as though she has to put in an effort to impress you and maintain your interest, otherwise she could actually lose you.
In other words, she can’t just treat you any way she wants (e.g. be cold, rude, pretend not to be interested all the time), because you’re not going to put up with it.
You’re going to walk away and find another high quality woman to be with and she’ll then be left behind, feeling rejected and regretting how she behaved.
Based on that alone, the majority of women quickly open up to giving a guy another chance, rather than lose him and regret it later on.
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