Here’s what you need to do to stop yourself from feeling nervous around your ex:
1. Think confident thoughts, rather than nervous thoughts
If you continue to think nervous thoughts every time you interact with your ex, it’s only natural that you will feel nervous around her.
Nervousness, like confidence, is self created.
It’s based on how you think.
When you think nervous, self-doubting thoughts, you will feel nervous and doubt yourself.
When you think confident, self-assured thoughts, you will feel more confident than usual.
If you get used to thinking confident, self-assured thoughts, you will eventually be confident all the time and it will be a natural, automatic part of your personality.
For now though, you need to make sure that when you are going to interact with your ex or are around her, you replace insecure thoughts with positive ones.
For example: Imagine that a guy notices his ex at a coffee shop.
Suddenly, he starts thinking to himself, “What if she doesn’t want to talk to me? What if she doesn’t want me back? What if she feels like I’m not good enough for her now? What if she can see that I haven’t changed? What if I make a fool of myself and she tells me to never call her again? What if she is seeing a new guy already? What she tells me to leave her alone and never talk to her again?”
Chances are high that by the time his ex notices him, he will be an emotional wreck and will clearly seem nervous and unsure of himself.
When she hears the nervousness in his voice and picks up the insecurity and self-doubt in his body language, she will automatically feel turned off by what she perceives as his emotional weakness.
Rather than think, “Awww…he’s really trying hard to impress me. How cute. He’s nervous about how I will react to him. Awww…I’d better take it easy on him and be nice to him,” she will clam up even more and respond by being cold and aloof.
Women don’t like to reward emotional weakness with love, affection, sex and devotion.
Women are instinctively looking to align themselves with a confident man who can remain confident and self-assured under pressure.
So, if she notices that her ex is nervous and unsure of himself, it simply serves as another reason why she wants to remain broken up.
When the nervous guy notices, he might then think, “I knew it! I knew that she wouldn’t want anything to do with me. I shouldn’t have even tried to talk to her. What do I do now?”
Yet, here’s the thing…
It’s not that his ex didn’t want anything to do with him.
Instead, she picked up on his negative beliefs about himself and felt turned off by it.
Think about it like this…
Have you ever noticed that when you are worried about stuffing something up or experiencing a problem, you usually encounter problems or stuff things up?
For example: You might be in a big hurry to get to an important meeting at work.
You might then stress, worry and think, “What if I’m late? What if my boss fires me? What if I lose that big contract?”
Then when you leave home, you are annoyed as the traffic starts to slow down or get in your way and how every traffic light seems to turns red just as you get to it.
Inevitably, you arrive late for your meeting and look stressed out and unprofessional.
A professional man would simply call ahead, apologize for the delay and let his boss know that he will be a little late, but will be there for the meeting.
He would then get to work as fast as he can, but not stress about extra seconds waiting at a red light, or a few seconds lost if a car cuts in front of him.
He would then quickly get to the meeting room and then walk inside in a calm, confident and collected manner.
He would calmly apologize for being late and immediately get on with business in a calm, confident, professional manner.
In other words, sometimes things go bad in life and it’s how you respond to them that really matters.
If people see that you can’t handle pressure and become a ball of stress in reaction to it, they simply won’t feel comfortable relying on you and they won’t be able to look up to you and respect you.
The same thing happens when you stress and and expect the worst from your interactions with your ex.
You end up coming across in a way that she just can’t look up to and respect, so she naturally feels turned off.
So, what should you do instead?
Focus on only having confident thoughts about yourself and about how your ex will respond to you when she sees you.
For example: Some confident thoughts that you can calmly, but self-assuredly repeat to yourself are:
- I’ve got this.
- She will feel attracted to me when she sees how confident and calm I am now.
- The more relaxed, confident thoughts I have, the more confident I will feel on the inside and look on the outside.
- I’m a new and improved man now and she will be able to pick it up in the way I talk, think and behave around her.
- When she sees that I’ve changed and improved in the ways she always wanted me to, she will automatically feel some respect and attraction for me again.
- She will like the new me.
- Even if she tries to act like she’s not feeling attracted, so she can test my confidence, I won’t doubt myself.
- I feel confident now and I will continue to feel confident when I interact with her.
- She will love it.
Then, when you are around her, your confidence and self-belief will come through in the tonality of your voice, your body language and in the way you behave and respond to her.
When she sees for herself that you are a much more emotionally attractive man now (e.g. confident, self-believing, calm and relaxed under pressure), she will naturally start to feel of respect and attraction for you.
Another way to stop yourself from feeling nervous around your ex, is to…
2. Become more emotionally independent
Essentially, what this means is that you need to reach the point where you can…
- Be happy with or without her.
- Be confident with or without her reassurance.
- Be forward moving in life with or without her.
- Have a high self esteem and belief in yourself, with or without her approval.
Of course, feeling that way doesn’t mean you don’t want her back.
The big difference is that you get to the point where you feel like you don’t need her back to have a good, productive and successful life.
You want her back, but don’t need her back.
Some guys mistakenly think that to make a woman feel loved and appreciated, he has to make her the centre of his world.
For example: A guy like that might give up his interests and hobbies, put his dreams on hold and even stop hanging out with his friends to spend more or all of his time with her.
He assumes that by always putting her in first place in his life, she will be flattered at his dedication and will then stick with him for life.
Yet, that’s rarely the case.
In most relationships, when a man thinks of his woman as being what his life is about, he will eventually begin to behave in an insecure, clingy, needy way.
For example: He might constantly ask her if she still loves him, fear losing her, get jealous of other guys, or try to spend every spare minute with her.
Yet, if a woman notices that her guy needs her constant love and attention to feel happy and confident, it will cause her to lose respect and attraction for him.
Here’s the thing…
A woman wants to be with a man who is happy, confident and forward moving in his life, with or without her support, approval or attention.
She doesn’t want to feel as though he will fall apart without her guidance and support.
In the same way, if you want to re-attract your ex, you need to show her that you haven’t been sitting around feeling sad, lonely and lost without her.
Instead, you are now emotionally independent and feel good about yourself and your life without her.
You don’t tell her that, of course.
Saying that to her would be rude and would cause her to want to get revenge by saying that she is even happier without you.
Instead, you simply let her feel that, based on how you talk, feel, think, behave and act.
In other words, you don’t act like a nervous, needy guy around her and instead, you let her see that you are confident in yourself with or without her approval or love.
A woman won’t admit that she wants you to be like that, but be like that and she will want you.
That’s women for you.
They don’t explain what is required to make them really want you.
It’s up to you as a man to understand women, so you can naturally attract them and keep them.
One part of being able to be that kind of man is to be emotionally independent (i.e. not be needy).
So, how can you get to the point where you become more emotionally independent?
- Focus on achieving some of your big goals, dreams and ambitions in life.
- Do something new that involves meeting new people (e.g. a group sport or recreational activity such as football, mixed martial arts, basketball, tennis, join a dance club or a photography club).
- Reconnect with old friends, or make new ones.
When you focus on becoming genuinely happy and content in your own life, not only does that stop you from feeling nervous around your ex, but you also become more attractive to her as well.
Suddenly, she starts to see you as being more of a catch than you were before.
She stops look at you as her needy, emotionally dependent ex who she felt sorry for because he didn’t believe in himself or in his value to her.
She notices that you are a new man now and she likes it.
Another way to stop yourself from feeling nervous around your ex is…
3. Arm yourself with new ways to attract her
In a relationship, a couple usually gets to know almost everything about the other person (e.g. their likes and dislikes, their behavior, what turns them on, makes them happy or causes them to get angry or annoyed).
So, after a break up, a woman might assume that her ex can’t offer anything new that she doesn’t already know.
For example: He was a good guy to her, was kind of confident, was kind of funny and was kind of interesting.
She doesn’t really think he can do much more than that, so she assumes that the amount of attraction she felt for him reached its limit.
Yet, it didn’t.
As a man, you can always become more attractive to a woman because a woman’s attraction to a man is mostly based on how his personality and behavior makes her feel.
You can always become more confident, funny, interesting, charismatic and emotionally masculine and as a result, you can always become more attractive to a woman.
I know this from personal experience because my wife always feels more and more attracted to me over time.
It just gets better and better all the time, even though our relationship was amazing at the start.
That’s how it can be for you too.
So, how can you do it?
Being emotionally stronger than her.
Unlike in the past, where a woman may have looked for the most physically strong man to hook up with (i.e. because she needed protection from wild animals and in later times from being abducted or raped), today’s woman looks for a man who is emotionally strong.
Emotional strength is essential for handling the challenges, threats and obstacles that we all encounter in modern life.
Additionally, since modern women are no longer under threat of being eaten by wild beasts and can rely on the police for protection, she no longer needs a man with big muscles to protect her.
What she does need is man who has the ability to cope with the challenges of modern life and succeed at whatever he chooses to do in life.
If he can remain confident and calm under pressure (e.g. when he’s faced with tough decisions, something bad happens, or she teases him, throws a tantrum, or insults him) and doesn’t become overwhelmed with emotion like a woman, she will naturally feel lasting respect and sexual attraction for him.
Her instincts urge her to stick with a guy like that, rather than leaving and potentially not being able to find a guy who is as emotionally strong and capable.
On the other hand, if a guy becomes overly emotional, insecure, nervous and loses his confidence when faced with a challenging situation, a woman will perceive him as being emotionally weak and her respect and attraction for him will begin to fade.
Her instincts will urge her to leave him and find a more capable man, who can better protect her and provide if they happen have any offspring in the future.
So, one of the ways that you can re-attract your ex is by showing her (not telling her) that you are now an emotionally strong man that she can look up to, respect, feel attracted to and love.
Showing her that you are emotionally strong doesn’t mean that you go around acting like a tough guy or treating her badly, being rude or being a jerk to her.
Instead, you just need to maintain your confidence and remain calm and in control, no matter what she says or does to try and challenge you.
For example: If she says, “My feelings for you are dead,” or “I don’t want to see you again. Just leave me alone” you need to show her that you aren’t hurt by that.
You still believe in yourself, are still confident and are still completely relaxed and at ease around her.
Likewise, if she is cold and unfriendly towards you, insults you, teases you or talks about other guys who want to go out with her, you need to remain confident and believe in yourself.
When she can see that nothing she throws at you makes you nervous anymore, she will feel naturally attracted to you, whether she likes it or not.
Initially, she may pretend that your newfound confidence doesn’t impress her, but that will simply be a test to see how real your confidence is.
If you maintain your confidence, she will naturally begin feeling surges of respect for the man that you have become.
Another way you can re-attract your ex is by…
Making her feel like a real woman by being more emotionally masculine than her.
A lot of guys make the mistake of thinking that being extra sweet and nice to a woman or allowing her to have her way all the time, is what she really wants.
Yet, even though most women won’t ever admit this, for her to be able to relax into feeling like a real woman around you (i.e. feminine, girly, free to be emotional), she needs you to be more masculine in terms of your thinking, behavior, communication style and the way you react and respond to her.
For example: If a woman is behaving like a brat and is throwing tantrums for no reason, a guy needs to remain emotionally strong, laugh about it and not take her so seriously.
If he does that (rather than getting annoyed with her, or being extra nice and sweet to her in the hopes that she will calm down), she will know that he is man enough for a girl like her.
As a result, she will naturally relax into thinking, talking and behaving like a real woman around him.
When a woman is able to do that around a man, her face lights up with glee and excitement.
She feels sexually attracted, aroused and happy.
However, when a guy is unable to be the man around a woman, her face droops and she becomes annoyed, stressed and even angry at him.
So, if you want to re-attract your ex, make sure that you take on the masculine role by thinking, feeling, talking, behaving and acting like a man at all times.
If you do that, your ex will automatically feel respect and attraction for you and want to get back with you.
Like other women, she knows how difficult it is to find a man who doesn’t become neutral or feminine around a woman.
It is so rare for a woman to come across a man who gets this.
When a woman does meet a man who has this ability, she feels attracted and doesn’t want to let him go.
So, when you show your ex that you now have the ability to make her feel like a real, feminine woman, she won’t be able to stop herself from feeling surges of respect and sexual attraction for you again.
Her walls will come crumbling down and getting back together again will become something that she really wants to do.
Another way to attract your ex is by…
Showing her that you really have changed and improved the things that matter to her.
Women love it when a guy figures out how to be the kind of man that she needs, without her having to help him.
It allows her to naturally be in love with him, rather than trying hard to make a relationship work with a guy who doesn’t yet understand how to be the man she needs.
In the same way, when you fully understand what caused your ex to break up with you and then make some adjustments and improvements, reactivating her feelings for you again will be easy and natural.
If you’re not 100% sure what may have caused her to lose respect and attraction for you, here are some questions to help you find out.
Did you stop making her feel safe in the relationship (e.g. because you became too insecure and needy, you became controlling and jealous)?
If the answer is yes, then show her that you’ve changed by maintaining your confidence around her, no matter how much she tries to make you feel nervous and insecure around her.
Did the relationship become too boring (e.g. the sex became routine or even faded away, you did the same things over and over again, you treated her more like a friend than a sexy, desirable woman)?
To show her that you’ve changed, spice things up by using every interaction to flirt with her, make her laugh and smile and create some sexual tension between you.
Did you give her so much power that she felt turned off by your inability to be masculine and dominant (e.g. you always treated her like a princess despite her treating you badly, you were too nice and accommodating)?
If so, you show her that you’ve changed by standing up to her in a loving, but dominant way when she is being cold, distant, rude or treats you badly in any way.
The more your ex can see that you’re no longer the guy she broke up with, the more respect and attraction she will feel for the man you have now become.
Not only will she naturally be more open to getting back together, but you will realize that you don’t feel nervous around her anymore either.
Another way to stop feeling nervous around your ex is…
4. Don’t take the interactions so seriously
Being too serious and being on your best behavior will cause you to overanalyze things when you interact with her.
While overanalyzing, you will inevitably think insecure, nervous thoughts, which will in turn, make you feel nervous and unsure of yourself.
So, you have to remind yourself not to take the interacts with your ex so seriously.
Instead, let it be about having a good time together (e.g. laughing, smiling, enjoying each other’s company), rather than trying to get her back into a relationship with every sentence or gesture you offer.
The more that you can relax and enjoy yourself around her, the less nervous you will feel.
Then, the reconciliation process will begin to happen naturally and automatically, without you having to force it.