The main reason why there isn’t a sexual spark between you and your ex anymore is mainly because you are too neutral towards her.
For a sexual spark to exist and remain alight, there must be a clear difference between the masculine and feminine energy of the man and woman.
If you are both like a couple of friends who spend time together, the spark will die out and you will feel like friends.
The problem that a lot of guys experience when maintaining a friendship with an ex, is behaving like a friend.
Behaving like a friend or like a sexy man to her is your choice.
You get to decide what type of energy you give off, how you talk to her and how you behave and act around her.
Unfortunately, a lot of guys who have an amazing connection with their ex girlfriend (or wife), but can’t get any sexual action, are those who are afraid to behave like anything other than a friend to her.
For example: A guy will fear that if he shows sexual interest in her (e.g. flirts with her, creates sexual tension, tells her that she looks sexy that day or tells her to turn around in her jeans so he can check out her ass), she will get upset at him.
He fears that she will then cut him out of her life entirely and he will then not only lose his chance to get her back, but he will lose a great friend as well.
So, rather than risk losing her, he will accept an amazing connection as friends and just hope that something sexual sparks up between them over time.
Here’s the thing though…
If you want to have more than a friendship with your ex, you have to create sexual feelings inside of her by displaying traits and behaviors that women are naturally attracted to and turned on by.
It’s easy to do and the first step is to stop being on your best behavior around her like a good friend.
Stop pretending that you’re not attracted to her anymore and just want to be friends.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that you should throw yourself at her and start telling her about your feelings for her.
Don’t do that.
It will backfire!
It simply means that from this moment onwards, you don’t act like a neutral friend around her.
You talk to her and interact with her in ways that naturally make her feel sexually attracted and aroused (e.g. You are very masculine in how you talk, feel and behave. You are very confident around her, no matter what she says or does to try and make you feel insecure).
It’s totally fine to be her friend.
However, just don’t make the mistake of being an innocent friend who thinks that he isn’t allowed to flirt with her or make her feel sexually attracted.
A Good Friendship Isn’t Enough
When people are people politically correct, they will say that a friendship is the basis for a lifetime relationship between a man and a woman and that sex isn’t important.
Sexual attraction is more important than the friendship.
Attraction always comes first and everything else follows on after that.
I’m a happily married man and my wife and I are best friends.
However, first and foremost, we are sexually attracted to each other.
I do not treat her like one of my guy friends.
I treat her like my girl, my sexy woman, my sexy wife and then she is my friend.
As a result, the spark is always there between us.
If I treated her like one of my guy friends or like a neutral friend, the spark would die out and our perfect marriage would begin to fall apart.
That’s how important sexual attraction is.
After nearly six years today, my wife and I still get intensely aroused by simply kissing each other.
It’s like it was back when we first met.
That’s how a relationship is supposed to work between a man and a woman and believe me, you will not achieve that by making the friendship between you and her the number one priority.
Sexual attraction is the number one priority.
Everything else comes second, third and so on after that.
So, if you have been treating your ex more like a friend for quite some time now, she will be finding it difficult, if not impossible, to muster up enough sexual desire to want to kiss you or have sex with you.
Even though you’re a great guy and you and her are perfect for each other, the lack of sexual attraction causes you to feel more like friends than ongoing lovers.
When a woman feels that way about her guy, she will often begin to focus on the things about him that turn her off.
She will then start wondering things like, “Is this really it? Is this how it’s going to be between us? Where is the spark? Where is the romance? Am I settling for less? My girlfriends seem to happy with their boyfriends or husbands…the spark is clearly there. I’m not feeling it with my guy. Maybe it’s a sign that we’re not meant to be together. Maybe the relationship has run it’s course and is now over. Maybe it’s time for me to move on.”
No, it’s not time to move on from you.
She’s simply not feeling the spark and you know what?
You can CREATE the spark.
A woman feelings of sexual attraction happen in response to how you talk to her, how you behave and how you act.
In other words, you are in control of it.
When you interact with your ex, you’re either making her feel neutral towards you like a friend (e.g. because you’re being a standard good guy, talking about things like a friend, being neutral) or you are making her feel sexually attracted and turned on (e.g. because you’re being very masculine and making her feel girly in comparison to you).
Here’s the thing…
Even though your ex likes you as a friend and thinks highly of you, if you can’t give her the attraction experience she really wants, she has to go and find that with another guy.
Attraction always comes first.
Everything else is secondary to attraction when it comes to sexual, romantic relationships between men and women.
So, if you and your ex have an amazing connection as friends, but there is no spark, then you need to create that spark.
You need to make some adjustments to the way you interact with her from this point onwards, so the way you talk, feel, behave and act automatically creates feelings of sexual attraction between you and her.
When you change the way you interact with her in a way that triggers her feelings of sexual attraction for you (e.g. flirt with her to create sexual tension, make her laugh and smile, make her feel feminine and girly in contrast to your masculine vibe), her neutral feelings for you will change automatically.
She will start to think things like, “I don’t know what’s happening to me. I suddenly feel so attracted to him. I can’t stop thinking about him touching me, kissing me and making love to me again. I thought that we were only friends now, but my feelings have definitely changed. I want more. Maybe it’s a good idea for us to get back together again and see how it goes.”
However, if you continue to make her feel like a neutral friend in your presence, it’s highly likely that she will eventually hook up with another guy who sparks her feelings of sexual attraction in the ways that she wanted all along.
You will then find yourself wondering things like, “Why? What happened? How did I lose her? I thought we had an amazing connection! We are meant for each other. How could she just leave me behind?”
Attraction comes first and everything else follows on after that.
5 More Things That Keep a Relationship Together Between a Man and a Woman
Sexual attraction is the most important glue that keeps a relationship between a man and a woman together.
However, there are also other things that are very important.
To name a few…
1. Making progress in life together as a couple
Part of being the man in a relationship with a woman is taking on most of the responsibility for leading both you and her to a better life in the future.
This doesn’t mean that she takes a back seat while you do all the work, make all the decisions and earn all the money.
Instead, it means that as the man, you make sure that you and her are headed in the same direction and want the same things.
You have a clear plan for your future together and you’re both working towards achieving it.
No matter what challenges you and her face along the way, you are always the one who remains emotionally strong and stable, so she can continue to feel like you are the man and she is the woman and can rely on you to protect her.
The following example might not apply to you, but where a lot of guys go wrong is by drifting through life without a clear purpose and direction, which causes his woman to feel insecure about her future with him.
She begins to think things like, “Why isn’t he aiming for bigger things? Why is he just happy to work his job and be mediocre? Why isn’t he trying to get promoted at work? Will we always be stuck at this level of life? What if we decide to have a family together? How will we be able to take care of our children on a single salary/wage? If he can’t plan for our future, then I’m going to have to do it. I’m going to have to be the more manly one and figure out a life plan and make sure that we follow through on it. Yet, that’s not what I want though. I want to be with a man who leads the way and has the emotional strength to make me feel protected and safe in the relationship because he always pushes forward and continue to make progress.”
Of course, this doesn’t mean that the man has to do everything and the woman can just relax and be silly.
Not at all.
Yet, for a woman to be truly happy with her man, she wants to see that he is the stronger one and he is the more emotionally consistent one.
For example: You may have noticed that a woman can be excited and interested about doing something one day, but will give up on it the next day or the following week.
Men do that too, but women do it all the time, which is a difference between men and women that is acceptable and needs to be there for sexual attraction to exist.
If women were like men and were always consistent, strong and manly, then we wouldn’t feel attracted to them.
Part of a woman’s appeal is her emotional vulnerability, her indecisiveness and her need for a strong man to lead the way.
So, if a woman finds herself in a relationship with a guy who doesn’t lead and expects her to be Mr. Consistent and Mr. Followthrough about everything, she will naturally begin to lose her feelings of sexual attraction for him.
She might like him as a friend and they might have an amazing connection, but something just won’t feel right to her anymore.
So, an important part of keeping a relationship together with a woman is your ability to be a man who is striving through the levels of life and reaching for your true potential.
If you do that, your woman can relax and feel safe with you and she can also feel sexually attracted to you.
You are being a traditional man, which allows her to be a more traditional type of woman, which leads me to the next point…
2. A clear difference in masculine and feminine energy
A relationship that ends up feeling more like a friendship is usually as a result of a man and a woman essentially being too much like each other.
In other words, she stops being the sexy, girly, emotional, feminine woman that she used to be at the start of the relationship and starts being a more plain, neutral, logical woman.
It all happens in response to the dynamic that the man offers her in the relationship.
If a man doesn’t maintain his masculinity in the relationship, she will start to take on some of it herself, which will eat away at her femininity.
For example: Guys often make the mistake of thinking that to keep a woman happy in a relationship, she should take the lead and make all the decisions.
Yet, although a woman may initially enjoy bossing her guy around for a while, it will begin to annoy her that she is no longer feeling like a feminine, girly woman and is starting to feel more like his mother or big sister.
That’s not what she wants.
If he makes her feel that way, she will eventually lose so much respect and attraction for him that she will begin to disconnect from her feelings of love for him.
When that happens, she will usually break up with him and look for a guy who will be the man in the relationship, so that she can then relax into thinking, feeling and behaving like a real woman again.
It doesn’t matter that her ex is a good guy or that they shared an amazing connection.
Her feelings of sexual attraction are the most important element of a relationship before anything else.
If her feelings of sexual attraction have faded away because he stopped being a man for her, she will naturally begin to feel attracted to other guys who are more masculine that him.
The same applies for a guy.
If his woman stops being as feminine and starts being a more plain, neutral woman, he will naturally start feeling more attracted to very feminine women and may even spend a lot of his time and sexual energy jerking off to porn with those types of women in it.
We humans want the masculine/feminine energy balance to be right.
We can’t cover it up with a friendship.
That doesn’t work.
Sexual attraction always comes first and overrides everything else.
So, if you want to relight the spark between you and your ex, you need to show her that you now have the ability to be masculine in a way that makes her feel totally feminine and girly again.
Talk, behave, feel, act and move in a very masculine way, so she can naturally respond in a feminine way.
If you do that, she will naturally begin to feel attracted to you again, even if she tries to hide it.
She needs to be able to see that she can truly relax into being a woman around you, knowing that you really are the man now.
She will then automatically begin to feel respect for you again and when that happens, it will be difficult for her to stop feeling sexually attracted to you as well.
Another important thing needed to keep a relationship between a man and a woman together is…
3. Regular enough sex to keep both parties happy
According to research, at the beginning of a relationship, most couples have sex 2-4 times per week.
However as time goes by, a lot of guys make the mistake of turning their woman into more of a friend or worse, a roommate and the sexual spark fades away.
Yet, here’s the thing…
Even though sex is not always equally important to every person (e.g. some couples place more importance on shared values, the pursuit of goals, raising a family together), to keep the romantic connection alive between them, it’s important that the sex doesn’t dry up or become boring or stale.
You don’t have to be super adventurous or do crazy things during sex to keep it interesting.
Instead, you just need to make sure that you maintain the masculine and feminine difference between you and her, so the sex is automatically and naturally interesting and enjoyable for both you and her.
4. The woman can look up to her man and feel proud of him in every way
I’m not talking about being proud of him because he is a standard good guy.
It’s more than that.
You’re most likely a good guy and I say that, because after helping men for many years, I know that guys in your situation are pretty much always really good guys and have good intentions with the girl.
Yet, that’s not what a woman feels most proud of.
For a woman to be able to look up to her man, respect him and feel proud of him, he has to be an emotionally strong man who doesn’t need her to keep propping him up and encouraging him to remain happy, confident and forward moving in life.
In other words, if she doesn’t show him enough love, attention and support, he starts to sulk, get clingy or worse, get angry at her for making him feel insecure like that.
She essentially needs to be Mr. Consistent and Mr. Supportive, or else he won’t keep making progress or being a confident man.
That makes her feel like he is her child or little brother, which isn’t attractive to her and kills the sexual spark as a result.
Additionally, where a lot of guys go wrong (and end up losing their woman as a result), is by thinking that making a woman the center of his world is what she really wants.
As a result, he might focusing on other areas of his life (e.g. give up on his goals and dreams, neglect his friends, quit his hobbies and interests) so he can orbit around her as though she is the center of his universe.
That’s not what a woman wants.
Although modern women are usually embarrassed to admit it (because of the backlash they will receive from feminists), they naturally want to orbit around a man and allow him (and any children they may have) to be the center of their universe.
Feminist women will say that men should follow a woman’s lead and be subservient to her, but that’s not what really works in the majority of sexual relationships between men and women.
What a woman really wants is a man who is capable of continually being the man, so she can be his woman.
Most guys don’t know that though, or they get sucked in by the confusing, politically correct talk they see on TV or overhear coworkers talking about.
As a result, many guys feel as though the right thing to do is to be in a position where he is looking up to the woman, feeling proud of her and feeling safe and happy that he is being protected by and lead by her.
He may then justify his actions by thinking something along the lines of, “As long as I have her in my life, I don’t need anything else. In fact, goals and ambitions and even work are just a distraction from being with her and I don’t want that. The love that we share is more important than the dreams I had before I met her. Instead, we will make new dreams together. That’s what couples do. I will do what she wants because she is all that I want.”
Yet, that’s not what a woman wants.
She doesn’t want to be her man’s main focus in life and take him away from following through on his biggest dreams, goals and ambitions.
She also doesn’t want to be responsible for his mental and emotional well being.
She wants him to take care of her, love her and appreciate her, but if he allows himself to become emotionally dependent on her, she will instinctively begin to lose respect for him as a man.
Rather than feel flattered that he’s giving up on everything else in his life for her, she will begin to feel unsafe in the relationship and may even start to feel smothered by his neediness.
She might then think something like, “What kind of future do I have with a man who can’t take a step in life without me? Sure, it was sweet at first, but now I feel embarrassed to tell my friends and family that he’s so needy and clingy that he can’t stand on his own two feet and be the man in our relationship. Instead, he depends on me entirely for his emotional well being and is neglecting all the other areas in his life. It’s just too much pressure for me. I don’t want to be taking care of him emotionally. I want a man who is emotionally strong enough to make things happen in his life, rather than hiding behind me for protection from what he sees as a scary world out there. He needs to grow a pair of balls and man up.”
So, if you want to create a spark with your ex and make want you again, don’t make the mistake of letting your entire purpose and reason for living be about being in a relationship with her.
Instead, begin to focus on your goals, interests and friendships that are separate from your relationship with her, while also going through the quick and easy ex back process that I teach here at The Modern Man.
Another important part of keeping a relationship together between a man and a woman is that…
5. They have a mutually agreed future that they’re aiming for
It may seem like an obvious thing to say, but a couple needs to want the same things in the relationship long term, if they are going to be able to remain together long term.
For example: It will be a lot more difficult for a relationship to last if a man likes to go clubbing all the time and enjoys hanging out and getting drunk with his friends, whereas his woman wants to get serious, settle down, start a family and be responsible.
So, if the man and woman aren’t aiming for the same things, it’s unlikely that the relationship will last for life.
Eventually, one person is going to get tired of waiting for the other to get onboard with their vision for the future and unfortunately for men, it’s usually the woman who feels that way.
Remember: For a relationship to work, a couple must have a shared, long term vision that they are both happy about working towards.
So, if a man and a woman find themselves at different levels of maturity and emotional development, a break up becomes an almost certain inevitability.
Women in the past used to put up with it, but modern women don’t have the same kind of patience.
Modern women want a relationship that is satisfying and emotionally secure, so they can feel safe about spending their time with a man and knowing that things will work out okay in the long run.
So, if you and your ex have an amazing connection as friends, but there is no spark, could it be because you’re at different levels emotionally?
For example: Ask yourself…
- Do her and I want the same things in life, or are we going in very different directions (e.g. I want to settle down and be stable, but she wants to travel and live a carefree life. She wants to start having children, but I don’t want to take on that kind of responsibility right now)?
- Is there too much of a gap between her relationship intelligence and mine?
- Does she understand how to be effective in a relationship and make things work much more than I do, or do I have a lot more experience and relationship intelligence than her and she feels like she just can’t be responsible like I am?
You Can Relight the Spark Between You and Her
Okay, I hope you have been learning something from this article so far and getting a better idea of what you need to do to make a relationship work with your ex.
One thing that I really want you to be clear about is that you CAN relight the spark between you and her.
It’s not dead.
The spark between a man and a woman is something that is CREATED by way of the man’s actions, behavior and approach.
In other words, from now on, you are either going to be talking to her and interacting with her in a way that makes her feel neutral or sexually attracted and aroused.
It’s completely up to you and how you approach her from now on.