Here are the 4 steps to take to get your ex to desire you the way she used to:
1. Make her feel attracted to the new and improved you, but don’t try to get back with her right away unless she wants to
It’s very important that when you interact with your ex from now on (e.g. via text or e-mail, on social media, over the phone and in person), you’re not coming across as a neutral friend.
Instead, you must use the interactions as a way of making her feel sexually and romantically attracted to the new and improved you.
A great way to do that is by using humor to bring down her defenses and show her that, even when she tries to make you feel insecure by being cold and unfriendly towards you, or by pretending that she doesn’t desire you anymore, you maintain your confidence around her.
It also allows her to see that you believe in your attractiveness and value to her, which is very important to women, but is something that they rarely, if ever, admit to men.
If women admitted that they like it when a guy believes in his attractiveness to her regardless of her behavior, most guys would take it the wrong way and begin acting arrogant.
That’s not what a woman wants.
A woman wants a guy who is confident and believes in himself, without feeling like he needs to put on an act of thinking that she should feel lucky to be talking to such an awesome guy as him.
So, make sure that you believe in yourself no matter what she says or does, but also be a good guy at the same time.
In addition, make sure that you focus on flirting with her so she can enjoy the building sexual tension between you and her.
Then, stop and go back to talking normally for a few minutes and then repeat the process all over again (i.e. be very confident, flirt with her, make her laugh and smile).
Let the sexual and emotional tension build up until she feels like she wants to release it with hugging, kissing and sex.
In some ex back cases, this happens instantly.
However, in more difficult cases, it usually takes 3-7 days to get her to the point where she’s thinking things like, “I don’t know what’s gotten in to me. I’m feeling so drawn to him all of a sudden. I wish that he will take me into his arms and kiss me. I want to have sex with him again. Why am I even thinking like this around him? We’re supposed to be broken up! I’m so confused.”
Then, getting back together becomes something that she wants to do to as well, rather than it just being about you wanting her back.
However, be warned…
Don’t push her to get back in a relationship again if she doesn’t seem ready.
Instead, just continue showing her the new and improved side to yourself (e.g. your new and improved confidence, masculinity, emotional independence) and keep building on her feelings of attraction for you.
From there, you need to…
2. Get her to forgive the old version of you
Note: This step applies to more difficult ex back cases.
If your ex is easy to get back, you won’t need to get her to forgive you.
However, if you’re like most guys who need help to get an ex woman back, your ex hasn’t been making it easy for you, right?
She’s been saying no and holding onto her reasons why she broke up with you.
So, you need to get her to let go of those reasons and see the new and improved you by first forgiving the old version of you.
The forgiveness has to be for real though.
She can’t just say something like, “Yeah, sure I forgive you” and not actually mean it.
That doesn’t work.
You have to get her to forgive you for real.
If she doesn’t get to the point where she forgives you for real, she won’t be able to feel complete desire for you.
Instead, she will just continue to focus on the reasons why you and her shouldn’t be together anymore.
Then, whenever you do something she doesn’t like or approve of, she’ll say to herself, “I knew that nothing about him has really changed. He’s just been putting on an act to try and get me back, but underneath it all he’s still the same jerk I broke up with. Well I’m not going to fall for that this time. We’re broken up and I don’t see any reason why I should give him another chance. It’s over. I have to move on fully and get him out of my life.”
On the other hand, when you get her to the point where she really does forgive the old version of you, it makes her drop her guard and allows her to start seeing you as the man you are now.
She stops judging you based on your past actions and behaviors and she starts to look at you as the new you; a guy she can actually feel respect, attraction and love for again.
From there, you need to make sure that you…
3. Stop turning her off in the subtle ways that she probably hasn’t told you about
Women have a hard time opening up and saying what they really want from a guy in terms of sexual attraction.
For example: A woman is with a good guy who treats her well, cares about her and even makes her laugh and smile.
That’s all great, but if there are many subtle, but important things that turn her off sexually about him, it’s just not going to feel right to her.
For example: He might…
- Try to control how she thinks, feels or behaves so he can feel better about himself (e.g. She has to be nice to him all the time and never throw a tantrum, otherwise he gets angry or upset at her for being disrespectful and then begins to treat her badly. She has to not look at other guys when they are out and if she does, he gets angry and emotional and begins to sulk or give her the silent treatment).
- Act too much like her, rather than acting like a man (e.g. he giggles and acts girly like her too often, he cries when life gets tough, he gossips about people all the time, he uses cute body language like a woman would, he is afraid of things that usually only scare women, such as spiders or even harmless insects).
So, if you want your ex to feel true desire for you again, you must ensure that you’re not turning her off in the same old subtle ways, or in new ways (e.g. now you’re very hesitant around her because you don’t believe in your attractiveness and value to her, which turns her off because women aren’t attracted to a lack of confidence in men).
4. Start to deepen her feelings for you by being a man that she can look up to and feel proud to be with
For a woman’s feelings to grow and flourish in a relationship, she needs to feel that her man is a ‘catch.
Being a catch doesn’t mean that he has to be model good looking, super rich, famous or successful, but rather that he has the personality traits and behaviors that women naturally find attractive (e.g. confidence, charisma, charm, humor, determination to succeed, emotional strength).
If a guy has traits like that, a woman will feel good around him.
She will feel as though he is one of the rare guys who has it all together and is capable of being successful, protecting her and enjoying a great life with her.
This doesn’t mean that a guy has to be successful to be desirable to women.
Simply having the potential to be a successful man is enough to arouse the desire of almost all women.
It’s simply about a woman’s natural breeding instincts. She doesn’t want to get stuck with a guy who is going to be more of a burden than a benefit, especially since she is the one who is going to have to raise the offspring.
Note: This applies even if she doesn’t want children, hates children or is too old to have children.
The same rule applies.
A woman’s breeding instincts compel her to find a guy who is capable of protecting her, providing for her and the offspring and having a good life with her.
As mentioned, this doesn’t mean that a guy has to be successful to be desirable.
It’s simply about having the potential to be successful based on your confidence, charisma, social skills and determination to succeed at anything that you do in life (even the small, seemingly insignificant things).
If you have the personality traits that a woman naturally and instinctively finds attractive, she will automatically feel desire for you and feel good around you.
For example, when a man is interacting with his ex woman…
Does he make her feel turned on, or does she feel neutral, or even a turned off by him (e.g. because seems nervous and unsure of himself now)?
Does he make her feel good, or does she feel bored, tense or stressed out?
Is he the kind of man she can look up to, respect and feel proud of, or would she now feel a bit embarrassed to be associated with him?
That’s what really matters to a woman.
If you don’t know how to be the kind of man that your ex desires and wants to be associated with anymore, then be sure to keep reading along…
6 Mistakes to Avoid Making if You Want to Get Your Ex to Desire You Like She Used To
Quite often, when a guy gets broken up with, his instincts tell him to do whatever it takes to get his woman back right away.
As a result, he may then begin to behave out of character and say and do things to her that he will later regret.
1. Begging and pleading with her for a second chance
Why does this turn her off?
An important part of a woman’s attraction for a man is based on ability to make her feel like she can look up to him and respect him as a man.
So, when a guy is begging and pleading, she perceives him as being too emotionally weak and needy, which causes her to look down on him.
Additionally, a woman doesn’t want to feel like she will be stuck with a man who resorts to begging and pleading when life isn’t going right for him.
A woman’s natural instincts are to align herself with a man who maintains his composure when under pressure.
Another mistake to avoid is…
2. Apologizing to her over and over again
Why isn’t that appealing to her?
Although there’s nothing wrong with giving a woman a heartfelt apology for your mistakes, apologizing to her repeatedly is a waste of time.
When a guy is apologizing excessively and essentially taking the blame for everything that went wrong in the relationship, it simply makes him look desperate in her eyes.
Even though he is being sincere, nothing about his behavior is making her feel like if she gives him another chance, things really will be different this time.
He’s just apologizing, but he’s still the same guy she broke up with and now, he’s turning her off even more by being desperate.
3. Asking her to tell him what he needs to change to make her desire him like she used to
Why don’t women like it when a guy does that?
If a woman has to explain to a guy what he needs to do to attract her, he will start to look like a confused guy who still hasn’t grown up and become a man yet.
She will then feel that getting back into a relationship with him will be a mistake, because he doesn’t even know how to be a real man without her telling him what to do.
Instead, she will have to guide him along and help him to grow up and become more mentally and emotionally masculine over time.
She doesn’t want to run the risk of being with a guy like that because he might not maintain his motivation to improve.
He might just be saying that he is willing to change so he can get her back, but he will stop trying later on once they are comfortable again.
Her instincts will urge her to find a man who understands how to be a man, likes being a man and is always becoming an even stronger man (mentally and emotionally, not physically) over time.
So, if you want to get your ex to desire you like she used to, make sure that you use every interaction to spark her feelings for you (e.g. by making her laugh and smile, making her feel feminine and girly in contrast to your emotional masculinity).
The more she enjoys interacting with you, the more she will begin to respect you again.
When she can respect you, she will then also be able to reconnect with her feelings of desire for you.
On the other hand, if you keep turning her off by saying and doing the wrong things (e.g. begging, pleading, crying, making promises to change, pouring your heart out to her), she will just keep saying, “Sorry, but it’s over between us. Please accept it and move on.”
4. Trying to romance her before regaining her respect and attraction
Some guys hope that being very romantic to their ex woman (sending her flowers or a card, writing a poem, buying her gifts like chocolates, perfume, jewelry or a cute teddy bear), will result in her feeling so much desire that she wants to get back with him again.
Yet, it just doesn’t work in almost all ex back cases.
Romance is only enjoyable to a woman if the feelings are mutual (i.e. if she respects him, feels attracted to him and feels love for him).
When a woman breaks up with a guy, it’s usually because she no longer has strong feelings for him.
In other words, the feelings are no longer mutual, so she isn’t going to enjoy his attempts to be romantic.
She will see it as him trying to get her back by distracting her with things that have nothing to do with him (i.e. physical objects such as teddy bears or cards).
To get her back, he has to be able to attract her to him, not to objects and nice gestures of romantic affection (e.g. poems, sweet texts).
He has to interact with her on a phone call or in person and let her experience the new and improved him in person, otherwise she just won’t be seduced by his attempts to be romantic.
For example: If an insecure guy sends his ex woman flowers, it’s unlikely that she will think, “Who cares that he’s insecure?! He sent me flowers! I have to give him another chance now. Flowers are the most important thing to me! I don’t care about feeling sexually attracted to him. I just need flowers!”
Instead, she will assume that he’s still insecure and is hiding behind a traditional romantic gesture.
Remember: Romance is only enjoyable to a woman when the feelings are mutual.
Traditional romantic gestures don’t work on an ex woman who doesn’t have feelings for you anymore.
You have to make her have feelings for you first, by allowing her to interact with the new and improved you on the phone or in person.
Of course, a woman isn’t going to tell her ex that.
In many cases, a woman will secretly laugh and just enjoy the desperate, confused attempts by her ex to get her back.
She will usually also accept any gifts or financial help he offers her (e.g. many guys try to stay in their ex woman’s life by helping to pay her rent, mortgage or bills), but it won’t make her want him back in a sexual way.
So, make sure that you don’t fall into the trap of being very generous and romantic towards her in the hope that it makes her want you in a sexual way again.
It simply doesn’t work.
What does work?
Making her feel sexually and romantically attracted to you based on how you interact with her on the phone or in person.
For example: When talking to your ex on the phone or interacting with her in person…
- Do you make her feel like a real woman by being more masculine than her, or do you make her feel like she’s the more dominant one?
- Do create a spark of sexual attraction between you and her and build on the sexual tension to the point where she wants to kiss you and have sex with you again, or do you act in a neutral manner and make her feel like you and her are just friends now and nothing else?
- Do you turn her on by being a confident, emotionally strong, self-approving man, or do you turn her off because you’re too insecure, nervous and self-doubting?
- Does she feel relaxed and happy in your presence, or does she feel tense, bored or stressed out?
Those are the kinds of things that truly matter to her.
Another mistake that a guy might make in your situation is…
5. Hoping that being extra nice to her will make her regret her decision
For example: A guy might treat his ex like a princess and let her get away with being rude to him, or take advantage of him (e.g. by asking him to run errands for her, or to borrow money from him, she has no intention of paying back).
Secretly, he’s hoping she will say something like, “You know…I’ve never realized just how much you still care for me, until now. I know that we’re broken up and I really have tried to move on, but I now realize that no other guy compares to you. Can you ever forgive me for leaving you and give us another chance? I just can’t bear the thought of losing you for real.”
It would be nice if women reacted in that way to niceness, but they rarely do.
If a woman does react in that way, she is simply being manipulative and has every intention of using the guy for her benefit for a while, before cheating on him and telling him about it, or dumping him when he thinks that everything is fine.
Pretty much every other woman is going to see right through the Mr Nice Guy act, not be interested in and continue to move on.
So, does that mean a guy shouldn’t be nice to his ex woman?
Of course not.
Sometimes, being a good guy is always the best approach to life and relationships, but there’s a big difference between being a good guy and being a desperate, ass kissing nice guy.
If a woman senses that her ex guy is being extra nice because he doesn’t have any idea how to re-attract her, then she’s going to feel turned off by his cluelessness and desperation.
Women know what attracts them to men (e.g. confidence, emotional masculinity, charisma, balls, humor), but most guys don’t know that, or don’t know how to display it, especially when they have been rejected or dumped by a woman.
If a guy has been dumped, he needs to show his woman that he still believes in himself, still has the balls to crack jokes and still has the emotional masculinity to remain strong and guide him and her back into a relationship, regardless of how difficult she is being.
If a woman is secretly open to getting back with her ex, she won’t always show that to him.
In many cases, she will act as though she’s over him or as though he is so annoying to talk to now.
She wants to see if he can retain his composure under pressure, or if he will crack and show his true colors.
Women don’t want to be stuck with a guy who can’t handle the pressures of life and after a break up, a woman has the perfect opportunity to test her guy’s confidence and see what he is really made of.
It’s easy for a guy to feel confident when a woman is showing him love, affection and attention, but it’s another story altogether when he has been rejected or dumped.
So, in the case of a guy sucking up to a woman by being extra nice, she looks at that as meaning that he lacks confidence in his attractiveness to her.
He felt confident in his attractiveness to her when she was nice to him in the relationship (that the easy part), but now can’t handle the pressure after being dumped (the more challenging part).
He needs to stop sucking up and start showing her that he believes in himself and his attractiveness to her.
Note that I said “start showing her” and didn’t say, “start telling her.”
Show her, don’t tell her.
If you tell her something like, “I know that you’re attracted to me” all she has to do is say something like, “No, I’m not. You’re delusional” and you’re screwed.
However, if you remain confident around her and let her see that you are confident in yourself no matter what she says or does, she will then start to change her body language, vibe and approach to show you that she is attracted.
That’s how it works.
Leave it unspoken.
Show her that you believe in yourself and let her feel the attraction that comes with it.
Another mistake that a guy might make in your situation is…
6. Working hard to improve his physical appearance to hopefully make her desire him in that way
Since the majority of men feel the most amount of attraction for a woman based on her physical appearance, they assume that women operate in the same way.
This is why, when a guy is trying to get his ex to desire him like she used to, he might think to himself, “Women are always talking about how they love guys with big muscles, six pack abs, a cool hairstyle and expensive clothes. So, if I’m ever going to re-spark my ex’s feelings of attraction, I won’t be able to do it looking like my old self. I’m going to have to give myself a major makeover (e.g. update my wardrobe, lose some weight, build some muscle, change my hairstyle) to impress her and make her desire me again.”
Yet, here’s the thing…
Although those things can make a nice superficial impression on a woman and even make her say something like, “Oh, you’re really looking good. I love your new look,” it’s not going to change how she feels about her ex if he is still turning her off emotionally.
For example: If he has big biceps and a six pack, but lacks confidence around her, he will quickly lose his appeal because she will be emotionally turned off by his lack of confidence.
Instead of feeling desire for him, she will be be thinking something like, “What a pity he didn’t upgrade his confidence. He’s still the same guy, even though he’s done all these superficial things to his appearance. If he was as confident, self-approving and emotionally masculine, I would feel so attracted to him right now. Yet, his attractiveness is only superficial. He’s still the same old, weak guy on the inside.”
So, make sure that if you want to get your ex to desire you like she used to, you focus on displaying some of the deeper traits that are naturally attractive to women, such as confidence, masculinity and emotional maturity, rather than hoping to get her back by improving your superficial appearance.
Naturally, there’s nothing wrong with looking good or improving your appearance if it’s something you want to do for yourself, but don’t make the mistake of thinking it will get your ex back.
Instead, focus on changing the things that are truly important to your ex (e.g. becoming more emotionally independent, being more assertive and dominant than her, making her smile and laugh in your presence, being emotionally masculine rather than being emotionally sensitive) and she will naturally begin to desire you like she used to, because you are now a truly desirable man.
You might be worried that whatever you try may not work on her.
Don’t think like that.
Women thrive on a man’s confidence.
You’ve got to believe in yourself and your attractiveness to her.
You’ve got to be confident and let her experience that in person.
Let her feel attracted to the new and improved version of you and you will see a change in her body language, vibe and openness.
When that happens, you’ve just got to guide her through the rest of the ex back process and she will be yours once again.