I often get asked about how to keep a conversation going with a girl and how to and keep it interesting, so today I’m going to offer some new insights on the topic.
Let’s start with a question from Ralph…
“Dan I have no problems with girls I’m introduced to by friends. I also have no problems walking up to girls. I’ve been with many girls. But I know I can be with many more.
The part where I fail most is keeping the conversation exciting after I walk up to a stranger. Its the boring “interview type” conversation. I’m actually a funny guy, but I open up more usually after I get to know someone. What you think is the best thing to talk about to keep a conversation going with a girl and keep it exciting?
Ralph, NY, USA”
Reply From Dan
You’ve opened an interesting topic that I’m sure many guys reading this can relate to on some level. To summarize your situation:
- You find it easier to talk to women when you’re introduced through friends.
- You open up more when you get to know someone, so you are usually a bit shy and reserved when you first meet someone.
- When talking to a new woman (a “stranger” as you put it), you revert to an “interview” style of conversation.
The first part I’ll talk about is the fact that you have NO problem talking to women you’ve been introduced to through friends, but you then CHANGE when you’re talking to a new woman. Why do you change?
It’s not because you’re hopeless at conversation. It’s because you CHOOSE to CHANGE your approach when talking to a new woman. You CHOOSE to go into interview mode and treat her DIFFERENTLY than you’d treat a girl you’d been introduced to through friends.
You said it yourself: You look at new women as STRANGERS. What Ben, Stu and I do (and the Naturals that we know) is this: We talk to women with an assumption of rapport/acceptance.
We don’t look at anyone as a stranger, just someone that we haven’t yet met, but will surely like us if we met them. This confident, forward-moving mindset allows us to be present in the moment and be our REAL self.
We don’t put on an act of being shy or reserved when we meet someone; we just talk to them with the assumption that they would like us. As a result, we come across as confident, alpha, charismatic, cool and as someone that most people want to be friends with.
Your Conversation Style Sets the Tone
The fact, there are MANY different approaches that a guy can take when meeting a new woman. However, only some of those approaches will ensure that he gets positive results (e.g. gets the woman’s phone number, kisses her or has sex with her that night).
It’s up to you how you talk to a woman. If you like, you can:
- Talk to her in interview mode.
- Talk to her like you would talk to your male friends.
- Talk to her like you would your best friend.
- Talk to her as though you know she wants you, but you are still deciding whether or not you like her.
- Talk to her in a way where you focus on playfully teasing her about what she is saying and doing.
- Talk to her like she’s a total stranger.
- Talk to her like you would talk to your serious girlfriend.
- Talk to her like you’re not even interested in her ONE LITTLE BIT.
- Talk to her as though you are scared of her.
- Talk to her like she’s scared of you.
- Talk to her as though you’re suspicious of her.
- Talk to her as though you’re hoping to get lucky with her.
And so on…
After approaching and interacting with over 10,000 women in various countries around the world, we’ve found the best approach includes:
- Being open.
- Being expressive.
- Being honest.
- Being daring (i.e. not being afraid to say what you think, not being too politically correct, not being emotionally guarded, etc).
- Being real.
- Being masculine.
Imagine Being a Woman…
As a woman, you are attracted mostly to a man’s personality and how he makes you feel (even though most guys believe that women are attracted to physical appearance and don’t care about personality). Anyway, a guy walks up to you and makes you feel NOTHING because he’s playing it safe with his innocent nice guy, interview-style conversation.
His personality is just like all the other pretenders you’ve met lately. He is putting on an act of being a super sweet nice guy, when in reality, he is just a regular good guy. You know that he’s putting on the act because he wants you to like him and see him as innocent.
So, what do you do?
You ignore him and do whatever you can to get away from him, because you’d rather talk to a real man who makes you feel the powerful emotion of ATTRACTION.
Here’s the thing…
If you can’t make a woman feel sexually attracted to you during conversation, then she is not going to want to date you, have sex with you or begin a relationship with you.
It doesn’t matter how much of a good guy you are; the sexual spark needs to be there. Just like you don’t want to be with women that you’re not sexually attracted to, a woman doesn’t want to hook up with a guy whom she feels nothing for either.
To make women feel desirable emotions when you talk to them, you need to use the approach I’ve outlined above. In your message Ralph, you said “I’m actually a funny guy, but I open up more usually after I get to know someone.” I have to be cruel to be kind here and tell you: That’s not good enough!
To be successful with women and with socializing in general, you need to talk to people with an assumption of rapport.
You can’t start talking to women like a stranger and expect that they will PUT UP WITH the AWKWARDNESS that comes with that approach for 10-20 minutes until you eventually to open up and be normal. You have to do it from the BEGINNING.
Ralph, you mentioned that you already own The Flow, so I’d suggest that you go back and read the parts entitled: Assume Rapport and Accept Yourself. You may have read The Flow, but you are certainly not using the advice 100% correctly.
Once you use the mindsets from the section in The Flow called Assume Rapport and Accept Yourself, you will find that your conversations flow more smoothly, are exciting and remain interesting. I also suggest that you read The Flow again and pay more attention for the many conversational snippets I provide throughout the book.
You might even want to copy/paste them all into a separate document, so it’s easier for you to find them when you need a refresher. Or, just listen to The Ultimate Guide to Conversation – it has 100s of examples on what to say.
Remember: It is you who is CHOOSING to engage women in interview style conversation. It is YOU who is choosing to change your approach when you meet a woman for the first time. STOP doing that. It doesn’t work and NEVER will. You have to be real, you have to be confident and you really have to be yourself.
“Hey dan I like this girl and im doing everything right from the flow…i can hold eye contact with her, i can clooney smile, im more confident thx to your advice, and we have great conversations with each other.
Im getting all the signals that she likes me yet 1 month ago i sent her an email at the weekend saying we should meet up and i didn’t get a reply so i just left it and she didn’t bring it up when weve had conversations since. Can you please explain to me what might be going wrong?
She behaves differently around me too…. like hoping to impress me. Johnny, England”
Reply From Dan
Well done, it sounds like you’re making great progress.
I’m going to keep this simple: If you are getting signals of interest, MOVE IT FORWARD. If you’re worried about her saying no, just organize what I call a Half Date.
A Half Date is where you invite her to a party, bar or event you’re going to ANYWAY with one or more friends. This would work in your case, as it sounds like you’ve built up great attraction with her, but it has then fizzled out due to a lack of further interaction in person.
Get the thing started again with a Half Date. Build up the attraction again and then, when you are getting the signals of interest from her – move it forward, by getting alone with her and at least moving in for a kiss.
If you want to learn how I have moved in for a first kiss with women in many different situations, then check out 21 Great Ways to Get a Girlfriend. All the best with it, hope it works out for you.
By the way…
If you’re reading this now and would love to improve your conversation skills, then go ahead and listen to The Ultimate Guide to Conversation. Learn how to keep conversations going and keep them interesting, so the next time you meet an attractive women, you don’t run out of things to say and lose your opportunity with her.