If you’re looking for advice on how to control jealousy in a relationship, the first thing that you need to know is this…
You shouldn’t try to “control” jealousy in a relationship; you should try to get rid of it completely.
How can you get rid of your feelings of jealousy?
Give Her Your 100% Trust and Let the Relationship Unfold Naturally
When in a relationship with a woman, you have to give her your 100% trust so that the relationship can be free to grow, mature and reach higher levels of love, respect and attraction. You have to trust that she feels attracted to you, trust she loves you and trust that she is committed to you.
She might break that trust, but that’s the risk you have to take if you want the love, respect and attraction to grow and mature between you. Without the foundation of unconditional trust, neither of you will ever be able to fully relax and enjoy the type of companionship, intimacy and closeness that comes with an emotionally secure relationship.
You Have to Remain Strong, Especially When She Tests You
Women are not attracted to the emotional weakness or insecurity of men, so if you want to remain attractive to your woman in a relationship, you have to remain emotional strong and secure at all times.
…especially when she tests you.
Regardless of how great the relationship felt early on (e.g. you had awesome sex, she said “I love you” 20 times a day, you could talk to each other on the phone for hours, etc) or how smooth things seem to be going between you and your woman right now, she will ALWAYS test your emotional strength to see if you are man enough for her.
The tests that a woman will put you through will go on for the rest of your life, so you’d better get used to it now. It never ends and there is a good reason why, which I will explain later.
Two of the guaranteed tests that a woman will put you through during a relationship are:
- When she pulls back her interest and stops being affectionate towards you.
- When she tries to make you jealous in very subtle or obvious ways by saying that other guys are interested in her, or that she finds another guy attractive.
How a guy reacts to those tests will determine the path that the relationship will take. If he reacts with insecurity and jealousy, she will begin to lose respect and attraction for him and if that happens often enough or for long enough, she will gradually begin to disconnect with the desire to be in love with him.
On the other hand, if he reacts with confidence, love and emotional strength, her feelings of love, respect and attraction for him will deepen over time. The couple will be able to reach the higher levels of the relationship and get to experience what it feels like to be truly in love in an emotionally secure relationship.
A personal example of a test that my girlfriend (who is now my wife) hit me with happened while we were watching MTV on the sofa at home. The singer Will.i.am came on the screen (the black guy from Black Eyed Peas) and she said, “I love his eyes. Now, he’s a handsome black man…I like him.”
She didn’t have to say that out loud to me. She could have kept it to herself, rather than putting it out there to see how I would react. Yet, she was just doing what women do; they instinctively test men to see how emotionally secure they are.
Why? Women are attracted to the strength of men and turned off by the weakness. If a man continually reacts in an emotionally insecure way to her tests, a woman will not only lose touch with her feelings of attraction for him, but she will begin to lose respect for him and then begin to fall out of love with him. It’s just how it works.
Anyway, so when my girlfriend mentioned that Will.i.am was handsome and that she loved his eyes, I could have begun to feel insecure and jealous about her finding Will.i.am to be attractive. Yet, I didn’t. Why?
I am aware that the fleeting attraction that I feel for 100s of women that I see on TV means nothing compared to what I feel for her. She’s the one who I am sitting on the sofa with and she’s the one who I’ve chosen to be with in a relationship, not those random women on TV who will be gone in a flash.
The same applies to her.
I am the guy that she is in love with, in a committed relationship with and it doesn’t matter to me if she feels a fleeting attraction for some random guy on TV or a guy walking past us on the street. I trust in the fact that we love each other, are attracted to each other, respect each other and are growing together as a couple.
Me feeling a temporary attraction to a woman walking by us on the street or a woman on TV isn’t going to make me break up with her and vice versa.
By the way…
In case you’re wondering what my reaction to her comment was, it was this, “Yes, he’s a handsome man…” and I then talked about how great his music is and what the Black Eyed Peas did for the music industry.
30 seconds later, her and I were reminiscing about a time when we were dancing to the Black Eyed Peas song, “Don’t Stop the Party” at a club with some friends and one of our friends got up on a podium and started dancing like a nutter. He ended up getting so into the song that he spilt his drink on his shirt. We were laughing and shaking our heads at the same time. Crazy night.
Can you see what happened between me and my girl there? Instead of allowing a situation like that to make me feel jealous and insecure, I actually used it as a way to deepen her love, respect and attraction for me. We connected about the some good times we had in the past and she felt respect and attraction for me because I didn’t become insecure and jealous.
She knows that no matter what she says or does, I will always remain strong and I won’t be affected by it. Knowing this, she cannot help but feel respect and attraction for me. As a result of being that emotionally strong, I feel better and she feels better, so everyone wins.
Yet, if I had reacted with jealousy and insecurity to her comments, neither of us would have felt good.
How to Avoid Being Jealous in a Relationship With a Woman
If you want to avoid being jealous, controlling and insecure in a relationship, you need to establish the right foundation as a man.
You’ve got to:
1. Be able to attract women by choice, rather than accepting whatever you can get and then trying to make it work with an incompatible woman
If a man “gets lucky” with a woman and somehow fumble his way into a relationship with her, he is always going to secretly know that he got her by chance and doesn’t really know how to attract and pick up other quality women like her.
So, when she begins to withdraw her affection or tries to make him jealous as a way of testing his emotional security, he will most-likely react in an insecure way because he will be very afraid of losing what he’s got.
Her sudden lack of interest in him will make him begin to doubt himself, accuse her of being interested in other guys, ask her if she still feels the same way about him or tell her how much he needs her in his life.
He may even begin to treat her nicer, buy her lots of gifts or try to convince her to marry him or start a family with him, because he doesn’t know how else to get her old feelings back.
When he reacts with insecurity or desperation in response to a woman’s test of his emotional strength, it will instantly begin to erode her feelings of respect and attraction for him.
It doesn’t matter how good the relationship was up until that point; the fact that he can’t be the emotionally strong man that a woman ultimately wants and needs will make her begin to question her decision to be with him in a relationship.
As a man, you have to be able to know how to actively attract women so you can have your choice of women, otherwise you will probably accept second best or end up with a woman who isn’t a compatible match for you.
The relationship might feel good in the beginning when all the lust and new emotions are present, but once the dust settles and you really aren’t a good match for each other, the relationship will gradually begin to fall apart.
By the way…
Do you know how to attract women when you meet them? Are you able to naturally trigger feelings of intense sexual attraction inside of woman when you talk to her, or do you hope to get lucky or be liked because you’re such a good guy?
Watch this video to find out…
2. Your woman cannot be your number one purpose in life
When in a relationship with a woman that you are truly committed to and in love with, she should definitely be a very important part of your life, but she should not be your “everything.”
If you make a woman your “everything” and base your most of identity, sense of self worth, happiness and emotional security on your relationship with her, she can easily make you feel jealous and insecure by pulling back her interest in you as a test.
Women test men in this way because they are instinctively driven by nature to encourage men to be stronger. It’s much more beneficial for everyone if a man is brave enough to do more, achieve more and make life better for her and humanity, rather than just hiding behind a woman and the safety of a committed relationship.
If you make a woman your number one purpose in life, she will resent you for it. She might like all the attention and endless time on the couch with you in the beginning, but she will eventually grow tired of it and begin to complain that you are not doing enough with your life.
3. You have to be fearless with love
Love is at it’s best when you can be fearless and let it grow and unfold naturally. If love is being held back by the constraints of insecurity and emotional weakness, it will never reach its full potential and you won’t ever get to experience what it’s like to be truly in love.
As a man, you have to be able to love your woman completely and fully open up your heart to the love without worrying about the potential negative consequences (e.g. feeling hurt if the relationship breaks up, being cheated on, etc).
You have to be brave and love fearlessly. Without that, the love will only ever be shallow or temporary and will easily be forgotten if the woman moves on and gets into a relationship with a guy who loves more fearlessly than you do.
However, despite his best efforts, a man will never be able to love a woman fearlessly if she is his purpose in life, as mentioned in point 2 “Your woman cannot be your number one purpose in life.”
If a man doesn’t have any dream, ambition or purpose that he is working towards in life, which is much bigger and more important than her, then he will naturally fall in to the trap of fearfully loving his woman.
Instead of being a balanced man who loves his woman and wants her in his life, but doesn’t need her for his emotional security, he will be an imbalanced man who needs his woman more than she needs him. He will be worried that his world might come crashing down because she is his world and she is responsible for his emotional security, sense of purpose, self-worth, etc.
All it will take for a relationship like that to begin to fall apart is for the woman to test the man by pulling back her interest, trying to make him jealous or pressing down on some his emotional weak spots.
As soon as she does that, she will see the change in him and realize that he isn’t a complete man and has been hiding from his true potential as a man behind her and relationship. That will be a killer blow to her feelings of respect and attraction for him. Instinctively, she will feel turned off at a deep level. Why?
We men instinctively seek to breed beauty and health into the human race via women, which is why we are mostly attracted to beautiful, youthful looking women who are of breeding age.
Women instinctively seek to breed strength, bravery, skill and innovation into the human race, which is why they are mostly attracted to confident, alpha males who go after what they want, challenge the status quo and seek to create a better life and a better world for themselves, the woman and for humanity.
Jealousy is a Choice
One of the most important lessons that you will ever learn about handling your emotions as a man, is that pretty much all of it comes down to a choice.
Happiness is a choice, confidence is a choice and likewise, jealousy is also a choice.
It’s all a choice.
As a man, you have to be emotionally intelligent enough to make the choice to be happy, confident and emotionally secure, rather than choosing to be unhappy, self-doubting, insecure and jealous.
It’s all within your control. You have to take the reigns of that control and build on what you already have emotionally. For example: You have to build on the confidence that you have, you have to build on the happiness that you have and you have to build on the emotional strength that you have.
It’s a constant evolution, development and strengthening of who you are as a man. The stronger you become, the more attractive you are to women and the more effective, productive and successful you will be in life.
Yet, if you choose to regress, fall back into your old ways or be controlled by painful memories from your childhood or the painful experiences of your early dating and relationship life, it means that you’re not growing up as a man. You’re not becoming a bigger and better man because you are choosing hold yourself back.
From this day onwards, what you need to know is this…
You can be a confident, happy man who is successful in a loving, committed and trusting relationship with a woman. You can pass a woman’s tests with ease and you can become an increasingly strong, wise and powerful man over time throughout your life.
As a Man, You Have to Be the Brave One
When you look at the world around you, it will become clear that we men are expected to be the brave, emotional strong ones and women are free to cry, complain, bitch and moan about anything and everything. That’s just how nature works and when you understand and accept the deeper reasons why it works that way, you will really appreciate it.
The tests that women put us men through are well designed by nature to ensure that the human race continues to become stronger and reach its ultimate destiny. It’s a very good system that works surprisingly well.
Yet, imagine if it didn’t work the way it did…
Imagine a world where women reward men with sex, love and devotion for being emotional weak and afraid. It would be a completely different world. Countless generations of humans would breed more and more weakeness and fear into the human race and we’d probably end up living underground in fear. *Laughing as I imagine it*
So, learn to appreciate the way that women work. It really is a blessing to you as a man that women will always test you. The more emotionally strong and secure that you become as a man, the better you feel and the more love, respect and attraction that your woman will feel for you.