So, your ex said that your relationship is unfixable, and you’re probably wondering, “Is it true? Will her and I never be able to get back together?”
Essentially, her saying that the relationship is unfixable is only based on how she’s feeling right now because she doesn’t believe that you can change.
If you waste time trying to convince her that you’ve changed, she will close up and you won’t get much more opportunity to interact with her.
So, what should you do instead?
You need to use any interactions that you’re having with her (e.g. via text message, social media, on the phone, in person) to let her experience the new and improved version of you, without sucking up to her to the point where you seem desperate or are giving her too much power.
Women are turned off when a guy goes into desperation mode and tries to get her back in a frantic, pleading or “pity me” kind of way.
The main thing to remember is that women are attracted to the emotional strength in men (e.g. confidence, masculinity, determination and focus) and turned off by the emotional weakness (e.g. insecurity, desperation, neediness).
If she senses emotional weakness when you interact with her (e.g. if you beg her for another chance, promise to do whatever she wants you to do, tell her you can’t live without her), she will lose even more respect and attraction for you as a man, and she will continue to keep herself closed off from the idea of getting back together again.
Understand What She Really Wants You to Change About Yourself
Understanding the things that caused your ex to break up with you, is the first step to getting her to open back up to you again.
If you don’t know what your ex really wants you to change about yourself (usually completely different to what she is admitting to your face), you will keep behaving in the same ways that were turning her off, and she will then keep on telling you that your relationship is unfixable.
For example: A guy might have fallen into a habit of letting his woman be the more dominant one and left all the important decision making up to her.
Over time, this caused his woman to stop feeling girly and feminine in his presence, and her feelings of respect and attraction for him began to fade because she had to take on the masculine role in the relationship.
She wants to be with a guy who makes her feel feminine because he thinks, talks, behaves and takes action in a more masculine way than she does.
Yet, most women don’t want to admit that to a guy’s face, so they will often say things like, “Sorry, I just don’t feel the same way anymore” or, “You just don’t understand me. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t love you anymore.”
A guy who doesn’t understand the real problem might then begin trying to suck up to her by being extra nice, understanding, respectful and generous (e.g. paying her bills, buying her gifts).
Yet, he’s not giving her what she really wants, which is to feel feminine and girly around him.
…and she’s not going to tell him that either.
So, in order for a guy like that to convince his ex that he’s changed, he must think, talk and behave in a more dominant and masculine way around her from now on.
It’s not about being overly assertive or domineering (i.e. bossing her around), but being lovingly assertive and dominant (i.e. leading the way).
Most guys who are being dumped for not being enough of a man for their woman don’t actually want to be more dominant.
In the guy’s mind, he wants to be sweet, gentle and extra caring because that’s what he believes is the right thing to do with a woman.
Yet, what he doesn’t understand is that a woman only appreciates a sweet, gentle and caring approach from a guy that she can look up to and respect.
In other words, a guy who is more dominant and masculine than her, but who also treats her nicely.
Of course, she’s not going to tell him that though because a woman doesn’t want to be a guy’s teacher about how to be a man.
So, if he continues being emotionally weak around her (e.g. tries to suck up to her, tells her how lost he is without her, begs, plead and cries), her respect and attraction will fade away and she will say that the relationship is unfixable.
On the other hand, when you clearly know the real reasons (usually different to what she is telling you) that caused your ex to say that your relationship is unfixable, you can show her how wrong she is, by instantly changing those things about yourself, and by actively making her feel positive emotions of respect, attraction and love for you again.
Right now, you probably know some of the reasons that caused your relationship to break up, but there could be some that you might be missing.
Here are some questions to help you figure out any other possible reasons you might have missed…
- Did you start taking her for granted in the relationship (e.g. stopped making her feel loved and appreciated, put her in second place to your job/friends/other interests)?
- Did you become emotionally weak in the relationship (e.g. insecure, jealous, unsure of your value to her)?
- Did you have a life purpose that you were working towards outside of the relationship, or did you use the relationship as an excuse to hide from your true potential as a man?
- Did you stop making her feel feminine and girly in your presence (e.g. started to treat her like a friend, allowed her to be the more dominant one)?
- Did you stop trying to make her feel attracted to you?
- Did you say or do things that caused her to lose respect for you as a man (e.g. broke your promises to her, too controlling and bossy, cried to her)?
By understanding the reasons that apply to you and her, you can then make the right changes that will actively make her feel more respect and attraction for you.
Be warned though…
If you try to get her back without first changing anything about yourself, she is just going to keep telling you that your relationship is unfixable.
You’ve obviously pushed your relationship to the point where she is sick and tired of giving you chances.
Now is not the time to take a lazy approach to getting her back. You’ve got to do this right and do it without her help.
Don’t Expect Her to Tell You What You Need to Change
When a guy doesn’t really know why his ex is so convinced that their relationship is unfixable, it’s only natural that he’d want to ask her what he did wrong so he can change and improve the things that are important to her.
However, asking a woman to tell you what you need to change about yourself so that she will feel attracted to you again doesn’t work.
A woman doesn’t want to be a guy’s teacher in life about how to be a man.
She doesn’t want to have to show him how to think, act and behave to make her feel the way she wants to feel in the relationship with him.
If she has to teach him how to be the man that she needs him to be, she will feel like she has to take care of him like his mother or big sister would, which is a huge sexual turn off.
She wants him to figure out how to be the kind of man she needs him to be without her help, rather than him asking her what he needs to change to make her happy.
You Are Either Attracting Her or Turning Her Off
If your ex is telling you that your relationship is unfixable and you want her back, it’s only natural that this will make you feel upset, and maybe even a little bit disheartened.
However, just because she is saying “No” to you right now, it doesn’t mean her feelings are set in stone and can never change.
Feelings change all the time (e.g. think about someone you didn’t like and then when they changed their communication style towards you, you started liking them) and when they do, a person’s perspective changes too.
When you first met her, your ex went from seeing you as a stranger, to liking you, and then loving you as her boyfriend (fiancé or husband), to finally feeling like she didn’t want to be with you anymore.
Her feelings for you literally changed four times.
So, nothing is stopping you from getting her feelings for you to change again, as long as you use every interaction you have with her from now on as an opportunity for her to experience the new you.
Remember: You are either attracting her, or turning her off by what you are saying and doing.
If you are saying and doing things that turn her off, you can’t expect her to want to open up and give you a chance.
However, if you are saying and doing things that make her feel a renewed sense of respect and attraction for you, her perspective of you and the relationship will change.
She will begin to see that it is fixable because it’s already begun to change and feel better.
Here’s what you need to remember…
1. What your ex says she wants and what she will actually respond to are often two completely different things.
Based on her memories of you and your relationship together, your ex has now made up her mind that she doesn’t really believe you can change, and therefore, she has decided that she doesn’t want to get back with you.
However, when you change your communication style with her in a way that actively makes her feel the positive emotions of respect, attraction and love for you, she will naturally become more open towards you even though right now she is saying things like, “Go away! Our relationship is unfixable. Leave me alone.”
A common mistake that guys mistake is thinking that by leaving her alone for a few weeks or months, she will change her mind about him and come running back.
However, the reality is that if a woman doesn’t have feelings for a guy when she breaks up with him and is thinking, “This relationship is over. It’s unfixable. He doesn’t get it,” she’s not going to feel like she’s missing out on much if she suddenly doesn’t hear from him for a while.
In fact, she will likely feel relieved and will usually find another boyfriend very quickly and move on with her life in other ways as well.
So, regardless of what your ex is saying to you right now, and despite how hopeless the situation might look to you, you need to understand that what she says she wants, and what she will actually respond to, are often two completely different things altogether.
A woman might be saying to her ex that she wants time apart and for him to respect that.
In her mind she is still likely remembering all the problems in their relationship together (e.g. he was insecure, he was emotionally weak and she had to be the dominant one) and therefore, she feels happy about the idea of not seeing or hearing from him.
It makes total sense for her to be telling him to leave her alone and that there’s no chance to get her back.
Yet, her perspective of him will change if he actively interacts with her and gets her laughing, smiling and feeling attracted to him.
For example: If he calls her up and she says something like, “I told you to leave me alone. It’s over between us,” rather than him reacting like he would have in the past (e.g. get upset, beg her to listen to him) he instead reacts in a calm, relaxed way that displays his masculinity and emotional control.
When this happens, it’s only natural that she will stop in her tracks and begin wondering, “What’s going on here? This isn’t the way my ex usually reacts? Why is he behaving so differently? What’s changed about him?” and she won’t be able to stop her guard from coming down a little bit.
He can then build up some attraction and make her feel good by using some humor to get her laughing and smiling.
Then, her guard comes down even more and before she knows it, she’s saying, “Yes” to meeting up with him for a chat or a meet up to just say hi as friends.
Then, at the meet up, he makes her feel a strong, renewed sense of respect and attraction for him and her guard comes down, she opens up and he’s able to get her back.
So, if you’re saying, “My ex said that our relationship is unfixable and I must leave her alone,” and you’re considering giving her lots of space so she will hopefully change her mind on her own, think again.
In most ex back cases, a guy doesn’t need to give his woman more than a few days of space.
Giving her a week of space is usually the maximum that I would ever recommend because any longer than that is simply a waste of time and it also increases the chances of her moving on with another guy.
The best approach to use to get your ex back is to do it quickly by interacting with her and actively making her have some feelings for you again.
By actively making her have feelings for you again when you interact with her (e.g. by making her laugh, smile, feel attracted, feel respectful of you again) you are much more likely to get her back, than if you spend a lot of time ignoring her hoping she’ll change her mind all by herself.
2. The more he panics, the less respect and attraction she feels.
Sometimes, when a guy is faced with the reality of losing his woman due to a break up, he starts to panic.
Rather than doing the things that will attract her and make her re-think her decision to stay broken up, he begins to behave in ways that make her lose even more respect, attraction and love for him.
For example: A guy might start begging and pleading with her and saying, “Please! Please! Please! Don’t do this to us. I know we can work things out. I will do anything to make you happy. Just tell me what you want from me and I’ll do it! I promise. I will change anything you want. Just please give me another chance.”
Yet, that actually makes her lose more respect for him because she sees him being desperate.
Women simply aren’t attracted to desperation in men.
By the way…
If you did beg and plead, here’s how to recover from it…
Just don’t look at the fact that you begged and pleaded with her as a big deal, because it really isn’t.
You’re a better man because of any mistake that you’ve ever made and learned from.
Be proud of the man you have become, rather than feeling ashamed of the mistakes that taught you valuable lessons in life.
Most guys don’t ever get told what you just read there.
We’re made to feel ashamed of the fact that we are human and need to learn a few things along the way.
Don’t beat yourself up for the mistakes you’ve made in the past. Be proud of how the great man that you’ve become and are becoming.
3. The more he tries hard to work things out with her, the more stressed and overwhelmed she feels.
Another common reaction that guys have when an ex refuses to give them a second chance, is try to work things out with her by constantly texting her things like, “I’m deeply sorry for what I did. How many times must I tell you that I’m sorry for you to believe me?” or “I miss you. Please don’t ignore me,” or “I need you to let me explain my point of view. I believe we can fix this,” or even, “At least let us be friends if you don’t want to be together anymore.”
Yet the only thing this accomplishes, is to make her feel even more stressed out and overwhelmed. Why?
Essentially, nothing about this type of communication is addressing the core problems that led to their breakup, and nothing about it is indicating to her that she has been heard and understood.
He’s just the same guy with the same mistaken mindset, trying to get her to give him another chance for his own reasons.
She doesn’t see the benefit to her because she can see that he still doesn’t understand how to make her feel the type of respect and attraction that she wants to feel for a man in a relationship.
Eventually, she gets to the point where she says that the relationship is unfixable and asks to be left alone, because she doesn’t want to help him get her back and have to teach him so many lessons about how to be the man that she wants and needs.
So, if the only means of communication that you have with your ex is via text messages, don’t waste that opportunity by saying and doing things that will make her close herself off from you even more.
Instead, use texting as a way to make her laugh and smile, so her guard comes down.
Then, get her on a phone call where you can actively start making her feel respect and attraction for you again, so her guard comes down even more.
From there, you need to get her to meet up with you in person.
When you meet up with her in person, focus on making her feel the important positive emotions that she needs to feel (e.g. respect, attraction, love) to make her open up to giving the idea of giving the relationship another chance.
All Relationship Problems Are Fixable
Every relationship problem (e.g. jealousy, lack of attraction, trust issues) have a quick and easy solution that millions of other couples use to keep their relationship happy and problem free.
It’s not her role to fix the problems in your relationship though.
As a man, you have to take responsibility as the leader of the relationship to provide solutions to relationship problems and lead the way.
If you don’t know how to fix the problems between you and her, you need to quickly learn that rather than expecting her to want you back even though nothing will actually change.
You don’t have to be perfect, just better.
Just do a better job at communicating with her and interacting with her from now on and her guard will come down, she will open up to you and you can then quickly guide her back into a relationship.
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