Talking about the relationship isn’t the secret to getting her back.
It can help in some cases, but hurt in others.
For example: Sometimes a woman will want her ex guy back, but will end up feeling exhausted by the discussions they have about the relationship, which then turns her off the idea of getting back with him.
So, here are 11 tips to ensure that you understand when, how and why to talk about the relationship vs. talk other things when hanging out with your ex:
1. Understand that a woman usually won’t care about getting back into a relationship, unless she feels a new kind of attraction for you
The old version of you caused your ex to feel turned off enough to want to leave the relationship.
If you haven’t changed how she feels about you since then, she will almost certainly continue looking at you as the guy she dumped.
If you want her to look at you as the man she should be with, then you’ll need to think, talk, behave and treat her differently to the way you did before (e.g. you use humor vs. getting into arguments, you’re more of a challenge vs. being too nice, or too easy for her), so she can feel a new kind of attraction for you.
Here are some questions to help you understand why you might need to change, in order to make her feel attracted in a new, appealing way:
- What will make her look at me as being confident and emotionally strong vs. insecure and wimpy? Example: She will see you as insecure or wimpy if you seem rejected, lose confidence and doubt yourself in response to her cold, distant mood. On the other hand, she will see you as confident and emotionally strong if you’re able to remain confident, secure and in control of your emotional state, regardless of how she is behaving around you.
- How can I make her feel like a sexy, desirable woman in my eyes, rather than just a neutral friend? Example: If you flirt with her, she will naturally begin to feel turned on and enjoy the fact that you see her as a desirable, sexy woman. If you just talk to her like a friend, then you will almost certainly end up being friend-zoned.
When you make her feel attracted in new ways, she suddenly begins to feel a new kind of love for you.
This time, it feels more mature and a better match for her, so she naturally wants to get back with you, or at least hook up again to see how she feels afterward.
2. Know that talking about other things like a friend can help or hurt you, depending on how you talk about it
In other words, if you talk to your ex in an attractive way, it will help your chances of getting her back because she will be feeling drawn to you.
However, if you are just being a nice, reliable friend who is ‘there for her’ and you aren’t really do anything to attract her, then she won’t feel motivated to want anything other than a friendship with you from now on.
In cases like that, a woman will often continue talking to her ex until she meets a new man who makes her feel sexually and romantically attracted.
At that point, she will either tell her ex to no longer contact her, go cold and stop replying, or tell him that she is happy with the new guy and can only be friends with him from now on.
So, if your aim is to get your ex back, make sure that you’re focused on re-attracting her, rather than just talking to her.
3. Talking about the relationship can cause her to feel as though it requires too much work, or too much effort to fix
If you try to discuss the relationship with your ex (e.g. talk about what went wrong, what needs to be changed or improved), it can result in her:
- Assuming that there are just too many things wrong with the relationship to make it work.
- Feeling stressed out by all the problems you and her will have to fix to be a successful, happy, in love couple.
- Feeling jealous of her friends, family and coworkers who are in relationships that seem to work without a lot of effort, while she has to constantly struggle to make things work with you
As a result, she might then decide that she’s better off finding a more compatible man, rather than trying to make things work with you.
4. If you talk about the relationship, make sure that it’s in a progressive way
In other words, rather than talking about a problem as though it still exists, talk about it in past tense and let her see that you’ve leveled up and are no longer like that.
For example: If a woman felt more emotionally mature than her ex boyfriend (e.g. she was focused on her career while he spent most of his spare time hanging out with friends or playing video games), he will need to let her see that he has changed.
He shouldn’t try to sell himself to her based on the changes (e.g. “I’ve changed that about me. So, will you give me another chance now?”).
Instead, he should let her sense it, see it or pick up on it based on what he reveals during the conversation.
If a guy tries to sell himself to an ex woman, it can cause her to believe that he only changed to impress her and not because he really wanted to.
As a result, she can worry that he’ll only change temporarily and will go back to his old behavior once she settles down with him again.
5. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that you only have two options with her
Some guys feel as though they either have to talk to their ex about the relationship, or ignore her and hope she comes back.
Yet, there is a better option.
- Rather than discussing the relationship and being so serious all the time, you use playfulness and humor to make her smile, laugh and feel good to be interacting with you.
- Rather than being nice or neutral and ending up feeling more like a friend to her, tease her in a playful, lighthearted way to build some sexual tension between you. Example: She asks, “So, what have you been up to?” and rather than just answering in a straightforward manner like a nice friend, you smile and say, “I can’t tell you that because I’ve been asked not to.” She then wonders who asked you not to and will likely say something like, “Who asked you not to?” You can then laugh and say, “Just kidding. I can tell you, but you have to promise not to get angry.” Then, when she says yes to that, you can laugh and say, “What have I been up to? Well, wouldn’t you like to know” and have a laugh with her. You can then tell her after that, even if what you’ve been up to is totally ordinary.
- Rather than being on your best behavior and accepting whatever she says like a scared, rejected ex who is afraid of ruining his chances with her, you have the courage to challenge some of the things she says, in an assertive, loving, respectful manner.
When you approach talking to your ex in that way, she naturally feels attracted and wants to get back with you, without you having to get into exhausting, stressful conversations about the relationship.
6. Make sure that you level up emotionally before talking to her
Emotional attraction is most important to women, when it comes to men.
When a woman dumps a guy, it’s almost always because he’s not emotionally attractive enough for her to want to stay in a relationship.
For example: He’s too needy or insecure, he lacks emotional manliness or doesn’t behave in a manly enough way around her, he’s emotionally selfish or is too giving to the point where she takes him for granted.
There are literally hundreds of subtle things that can either turn a woman on or off emotionally.
So, before you talk to your ex again, make sure that you’ve leveled up emotionally and as a result, can now attract her in ways that are important to her.
Many of those ways will be subtle (e.g. how you react when she is being moody or difficult, how you express yourself in a challenging moment, your attitude towards her) and you don’t have to get them all right before talking to her.
However, make sure that you level up first though.
If you don’t, then she won’t feel enough emotional attraction and will then almost certainly reject you.
7. Focus on creating new, happy moments with her, rather than dwelling on the negative past
A few happy moments with an ex can make her stop focusing on how bad she felt before (annoyed, disappointed, sad) and start enjoying how she feels around you now (happy, optimistic, attracted).
She is then able to drop her guard and open up to the possibility of getting back with you.
8. If she isn’t attracted to you and gets the sense that you just want a relationship, she will remain closed up
It doesn’t matter if you talk about other things with your ex (e.g. talk about politics, the weather, food, sports, philosophy or religion).
A woman can still sense what you really want from her.
If you’re texting her, she picks up on it based on the way you express yourself, what you type, what emojis you use, how willing you are to laugh at her jokes and so on.
She also picks up on it based on how you react and respond to certain things she says.
If you’re talking to her in person, she picks up on it via your tone of voice, body language and how you react and respond to her.
For example: Do you tense up and appear upset, rejected or disappointed when she talks about moving on or other guys being interested in her, or do you remain calm, confident and sure of yourself and your value to her?
9. If she isn’t willing to take any responsibility, you might end up seeming like the cause of all problems in the relationship
Sometimes a guy will talk to his ex woman, but won’t try to defend himself if she puts all the blame on him for the breakdown of the relationship or problems in the relationship, because he doesn’t want to annoy her or cause her to stop talking to him.
He hopes she will take pity on him, but she instead feels disgusted at how weak he is and also feels turned off by how much power she now has over him.
At the end of the day, she knows that she made mistakes too.
Yet, that doesn’t mean a guy should become argumentative and focus on getting her to admit all of her mistakes.
That will almost always result in the woman becoming defensive, closing up and potentially threatening not to talk to him anymore.
So, what’s the best approach to use when talking to your ex?
Being lighthearted and use humor to get her to laugh at some of her mistakes, rather than making it out to be a serious crime that she is guilty of.
When you approach the conversation in that way, she feels more willing to acknowledge that she stuffed up too and also appreciates that you’re not trying to make her feel bad about it.
She will then drop her guard a little more, which will make it easier for you to fully re-attract her and get her back.
10. Understand that talking about the relationship with your ex can lead to closure, or to you and her getting back together
It all depends on how you approach the conversation.
For example: If a guy is insecure, nervous and worried about saying something wrong or upsetting her, she will feel turned off by him.
As a result, she will feel more convinced that breaking up with him was the right decision.
Insecurity and fear are not attractive to women.
Women are attracted to confidence and courage, as long as a guy is still being respectful and coming from a loving place (i.e. he’s not being arrogant or forceful about it).
Another example is where a guy talks to his ex, but is only friendly and nice towards her during the conversation.
That can result in the woman believing that there’s no longer a sexual and romantic spark between them and that they could only ever be friends now.
He could have made her feel sexual and romantic sparks by being attractive (e.g. flirting, being playfully challenging at times, being assertive in a loving way), but he chose to just talk to her in a nice, friendly way.
Another example is where a guy is being slightly attractive (e.g. he’s confident, maintains control of his emotions), but mostly talks about the relationship and tries to clear things up with her.
They end up getting into a discussion about what went wrong, he admits his mistakes, she admits her and it ends with them parting ways as friends.
In that way, they get closure by talking things through before parting ways.
11. It’s usually better to discuss the relationship after you’ve re-attracted her and have at least gotten to a hug or kiss
When she is feeling attracted, her guard will be down and as a result, she will be more open to giving you another chance.
On the other hand, if you try to talk her into giving you another chance when she is only experiencing neutral, or friendly feelings for you, then she is much more likely to reject your attempts to get her back.
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