Just because you see a lot of guys letting their woman “wear the pants” in a relationship, it doesn’t mean that it’s the right thing to do.
For instance, a study in Norway found that men who do the majority of the housework for their woman are 50% more likely be divorced. Another study in the USA found that in college-educated couples, women initiated 90% of the divorces, which could suggest that empowered, educated women who are making enough of their own money are more likely to be trigger happy when it comes to divorce.
Yet, those two statistics are only the tip of the iceberg in the humungous problem that is the modern relationship. The reasons for so many break ups and divorces run deeper than just cleaning the dishes or marrying a woman with a degree.
Your Masculinity is What Maintains Her Respect and Attraction For You
When I say that men should wear the pants in a relationship with a woman, it’s not because I am old fashioned or that I’m not a supporter of the women’s liberation movement, feminism and women in the workforce. I’m also not saying that women getting an education is a bad thing, of course. We all know that women are changing the world today in big ways and I’m a huge supporter of that.
Recommending that men wear the pants in a relationship with a woman is based on the fundamentals of sexual attraction, respect and love between a man and a woman. It’s all very nice to go around saying that men and women should be able to decide who wears the pants in their relationship. That’s fine – each to their own, but the fact remains that if a woman doesn’t respect her man, she isn’t going to feel attraction for him and if she doesn’t feel respect and attraction for him, she will then fall out of love with him.
In almost every case I’ve heard about (by helping clients) or that I’ve seen in the media, when a woman “wears the pants” in a relationship, the couple’s sex life is basically non-existent. If they do have sex, it is on the woman’s terms and only occurs if the man has been on his best behavior. An example of that is Kate Thompson, who has been referred to as “Britain’s worst wife,” which is something that she is proud of.
In Kate’s own words:
“My husband is the kindest, most considerate man in the world. During the seven years we’ve been married, Ben has done most of the cooking, cleaning and ironing without ever being asked. And yes, he works full-time. And if you think I reward his sterling domestic efforts with treats in the bedroom, I’m afraid I fail in that department, too. Intimacy is reserved only for his birthdays – and then just the ones with a zero.
I am shamefully neglectful of my wifely duties. In fact, I am the anti-wife. The truth is that I’m just too busy and involved in my career as a writer to be a traditional, caring wife. The truth is that I’m in awe of the way he looks after me, our sons and our home. He makes my life easier.
Does that make me a selfish, slovenly, neglectful wife?” Probably – but it also makes me a happier one.” Kate Thompson
The fact is that Kate’s relationship with her husband is more about convenience than true love. It’s not the amazing, invigorating, challenging, transformative love that a man and a woman experience when they take on their traditional masculine and feminine roles in a relationship. Kate and her “husband” live together and have more of a friendly love.
I would guess that Kate’s relationship would be quite boring, plain and dishonest. Her husband would have to jerk off to porn every week to clear out the build up of sperm that naturally occurs. He’d be jerking off to sluts and whores in porn and then putting on his apron to cook and clean for his wife, who isn’t interested in having sex with him.
Is it wrong for people to have a relationship like that? No. They can do whatever they want, but just because a strange, sexless couple are living like that, it doesn’t mean that it’s a great idea that the majority of people should be following along with. Most people would rather be in a relationship with a person with whom they love, respect AND feel attracted to. If it’s just love and respect, it’s a friendship.
Kate seems like a busy woman and her husband seems like a good assistant for her, so it would be uneconomical for her to divorce him. However, by the way she describes her husband, it doesn’t sound like she loves him in the same way that she would love (and do anything for) a real man who made her feel sexual attraction and respect for him. If she met a confident, masculine man who made her go “weak at the knees” and he was actually interested in her, it’s possible that she would consider having an affair and then divorcing her assistant…oh, I meant husband.
Different Time, Different Divorce Rate
In 1900, it was shameful for a woman to divorce a man. In most cases, she didn’t have any money and couldn’t get a high paying job to support herself, so she was essentially stuck with whatever man she got. Back then, it didn’t really matter who wore the pants behind closed doors because people rarely got divorced anyway. If the couple was unhappy, they just “put up with each other” until death did them part. The average divorce rate for developed countries in 1900 was less than 10%, whereas in today’s world it is around or more than 50% for most developed countries.
In today’s world, you have to be smart about the way that you approach your relationship or marriage with a woman. Today’s woman won’t settle for being with a guy who isn’t enough of a man for her. She gets way too much influence from TV shows, music videos and Hollywood movies that tell her it’s okay, or even “cool” to dump or divorce a guy. A woman may enjoy bossing a guy around for a while, but she will eventually lose so much respect and attraction for him that she will wonder why on Earth she got with him in the first place. She will then dump or divorce him if he doesn’t change.
It’s a fact of nature that women are attracted to the strength in men (e.g. confidence, masculinity, drive, determination) and turned off by the weakness (e.g. insecurity, nervousness, letting her push you around, etc). A man may “get lucky” and score himself a relationship with a woman who overlooks his shy qualities in the beginning, but if he fails to become and be the man that she is really looking for in a relationship, she will dump him or divorce him.
The Politically Correct and Confused 50/50 Relationship
Women have done so many great things for the world since they’ve been allowed to have a voice in society. I could go on all day about the amazing women in this world who I respect and admire (e.g. the late Joan Rivers (a very bold, uncensored comedian who made the world less uptight and sensitive about things), Theresa Caputo (Long Island Medium), Elizabeth Blackburn (Nobel Prize winner for discovering the “immortality enzyme”), but I also have point out that women having a voice has caused a lot of confusion as well.
The fact is that we humans don’t always have the right answer to complex problems and random women appearing on TV talk shows is a great example of that. On Oprah’s original TV talk show for example, she had many female guests come on and say (with confidence, belief and passion) that men should do the housework, change the baby’s diaper and essentially do half of a woman’s traditional role. Eventually, people started referring to this phenomenon as the “50/50 Relationship” and everyone felt like they’d finally worked it out.
Yet, it wasn’t the answer. Why? It’s not as simple as that.
There is nothing wrong with a man doing some housework or changing the baby’s diaper, just like there is nothing wrong with a woman taking out the trash or hammering a nail into the wall to hang up a painting. The problems occur when men and women start acting like FRIENDS in a 50/50 relationship, rather than being a man and a woman who are in a sexual, romantic relationship.
Based on this confused ideology, millions of couples slowly transformed themselves into being neither a man or a woman, but neutral or “in between.” When they did that, they lost the natural spark of sexual attraction that is created when a clear masculine/feminine dynamic is present between two individuals. Just like a battery needs a positive and negative charge to create the power force, two humans need a clear masculine and feminine divide between them to create sexual attraction.
With so many confused women rejecting their femininity and trying to be more manly, many women began to feel embarrassed to be “girly” or feminine and started acting tough like men. Did it make people happier? No, of course not. It’s no surprise that sales of Prozac and other anti-depressants sky-rocketed during the years when women started acting like men.
In the early 2000s, I remember that many female guests on Oprah’s talk show began saying that they had gone back to traditional male/female roles and were happier than ever. A TV news show in Australia covered the story as well. They interviewed a bunch of young, Australian housewives who previously thought that they wanted to “take on the world like a man,” but eventually got tired of that and felt depressed and unhappy deep down.
When they embraced the traditional role of a woman, they felt happier and more in control of their identity as a woman. They stopped fighting against it and began to embrace being a traditional woman. They loved the idea of cleaning the house, cooking a hot meal for their man (the breadwinner) and spending time with him in the evening.
To some people, that may sound like a time from way back in the 1950s that has long gone and can never be recovered. Yet, I disagree. I think that there is no ONE single way that a relationship can be or ONE way that a woman SHOULD think, behave or act in a relationship. In my opinion, people should do whatever makes them the happiest. That said, I think most of the couple couples where the woman wears the pants will CLAIM to be happy and in love, but they are really just good friends who are together for convenience, financial security and emotional security.
I’m not saying that all women should behave in a feminine, traditional way, but I am saying that most women feel happier, healthier and more fulfilled when they do. Yes, some women have more of a masculine essence to them and feel great being like a man, but the majority of women don’t. That’s not media brainwashing, it’s just nature.
The Modern Man Approach to Relationships
So, what approach do The Modern Man coaches (Dan, Ben and Stu) take in their relationships with women?
- Power balance: You are the man and you are more dominant than her. However, that does not mean that she is less important, less intelligent or doesn’t have a say. Your woman’s opinion, needs and wants are just as important as your own. The key is to lead the way as the man, while also taking your woman’s opinions, needs, wants and desires into account. It’s fine for her to take charge at times or to be in charge of certain things, but at the end of the day, you are the man and she is the woman.
- Respect: The respect is mutual. You have to respect your woman, listen to her and really care about her as a person, as well as a lover. You also have to maintain her respect by being a confident, masculine, honest man. She has to respect you as a man. If she is disrespectful, then you let her know that you’re disappointed in her and request that she change her behavior. If she doesn’t change her behavior, you warn her that you will break up with her. If she still doesn’t improve, you break up with her. If you’re the sort of man that she doesn’t want to leave, then she will modify her behavior and become a better woman for you and for herself.
- Attraction: You maintain the woman’s attraction by being a man who is rising through the levels of life and reaching for your true potential. You’re confident, fearless and wise around her and in life. You also maintain her attraction by not letting her push you around. You’re strong and masculine, while also being loving and kind.
Women yearn to be in a relationship with a man who can have that sort of strength, while also being loving, kind and considerate towards her. Women refer to men like that as a “real man” and they are very hard to find because they are usually taken or sleeping with a few of the many women who are interested in them.
When a woman can’t find a real man, she will feel pressured to accept a lesser man so can at least have a relationship. If she accepts a man who lets her wear the pants, she will never truly love, respect and feel an attraction for him as much as she would for a man who stands his ground like a real man. Some women will not admit that to your face, but it’s the truth of what she is really thinking and feeling deep down.
Regardless of Her Achievements in Life, a Woman Wants to Relax into Your Masculine Direction
These days, many women are heavily involved in changing the world, building their career and making a difference. However, regardless of her achievements outside of your relationship with her, when she is with you, she wants to know that you’re “the man” and that she can relax into being a woman around you.
Some women have more of a masculine spirit and don’t want a man to lead the way, but most women do. Most women want to know that the man is steering the ship and is clear on direction they are headed and how they are going to get there. A woman wants to support her man and help him achieve whatever it is that he wants for the two of them. Knowing that you have a plan, a direction and also have the confidence, drive and integrity to see it through, allows a woman to relax into her feminine role and be your woman, rather than your buddy or “partner” in a friendly, but sexless relationship.
So, Do I Need to Take Charge of Everything?
A woman taking charge of things in a relationship is good for both of you. For instance, she may be “in charge” of doing the cooking and keeping your home looking neat and tidy. You, on the other hand, might be the one who handles taking care of your vehicles, finances and household repair jobs. The both of you might be work together to come up with ideas of what to do on the weekend, what restaurants to eat at, what friends you will hang out with as a couple and so forth.
Of course, it’s also possible that those roles occasionally get switched around and that is absolutely fine. For instance, many guys love to cook. In fact, the majority of the great chefs of the world are men, so if you love to cook or even want to whip up a meal occasionally, that is fine. It’s also possible that she’s better at math and record-keeping so keeping your books and finances in order might be something that she is “in charge” of.
Depending on the task, who does what and when also will often be determined by who has the time, expertise and ability to handle what needs to get done. The person who is in charge of a certain task can change from time to time depending on what’s happening in your lives.
What About Women Who Don’t Have Time to Cook or Clean?
Not all women have enough free time to cook and clean for their man, in addition to studying at university or managing a challenging career. In the cases where a woman simply doesn’t have the time to cook and clean, should the man do it?
To maintain a woman’s attraction and respect, a man needs to be rising through the levels of life and reaching for his true potential as well. If he just gives up on his dreams or hides away in fear from his true purpose in life, she isn’t going to think, “Wow, I’ve got an amazing man! I want to have sex with him all the time.” Instead, she will end up behaving more like Kate Thompson and treat her man more like an assistant or friend, than lover or husband.
If a woman is unable to cook and clean, it is fine to either split the duties 50/50 or, if you’re both earning enough, hire a cleaner and eat out at restaurants. However, if you, as a man, take on the traditional role of a woman, most women will lose respect and attraction for you as a man. When that happens, the woman usually falls out of love with the guy and if they stay together, it’s more for connivence (i.e. until a better option comes along) rather than the passionate, committed love that a traditional masculine/feminine couple share.
Some feminists will say that I’m being old fashioned and that men should behave more like women, but they know how horrible their relationships are in their personal life. As you would have seen by watching candid interviews with celebrities (especially female pop singers), they will ACT one way in their music videos and then act another way in real life. For instance, the strong, independent, “I don’t need a man” image that Beyonce portrayed in her music videos is in stark contrast to the feminine woman she is in real life.
It doesn’t matter what women SAY in the media or online, what matters is what actually works. If you want your relationship to last a lifetime, don’t be a woman’s bitch. Be her man. That doesn’t mean you can’t ever wash the dishes or cook a dinner, but it does mean that you shouldn’t be doing the majority of those things in an effort to “keep her happy.” That approach to women and relationships simply does not work.
She Doesn’t Want to Feel More Masculine Than You
These days, many women have important jobs and command respect in their work environment, but when a woman walks through your front door, you are the boss. She expects that, wants that and appreciates that from her boyfriend/husband. It’s not about putting her down, treating her badly, being domineering or any other ineffective, unloving behaviors.
It’s about taking the lead and allowing her feel feminine in response to your masculinity. Just because she’s the boss at work, it doesn’t mean that she wants you to behave like one of her subservient team members. Why? Women are sexually attracted to the strength in men (e.g. confidence, masculinity) and turned off by the weakness (e.g. insecurity, self-doubt, nervousness, etc).
No matter how confident, independent and successful your woman is, she still wants you to be her man. You need to respect the person she is, but make sure that you are the sort of man that she can look up to and respect.