3 times when it’s okay to see a therapist after a break up:
1. If you can’t get any help online
If you want to get over your ex and move on, then maybe seeing a therapist is a good idea for you.
However, what most guys generally want is advice on how to make their ex forgive them and give them another chance and they can usually find the help they need to deal with a break up online.
Watch the video above and Dan Bacon, an ex back expert (and founder of this website here) will help you understand what you need to do to get her back.
Important: Most therapists out there are not dedicated to helping a guy get his ex woman back.
Instead, they will try to help him get over her, because they don’t know how to teach him how re-attract her.
So, if your intention is not to get over your ex and move on without her, seeing a therapist will likely not be in your best interests.
Instead, you’ll end up wasting a lot of time where you’re trying to fix your issues to hopefully prove to your ex that you’re serious about being a better man to her, only to discover that she hasn’t been waiting around for that to happen.
So, while you’ve been working hard with your therapist to improve yourself, she’s been moving on without you and possibly even hooking up, dating and falling in love with someone else.
This is why, if you want to get your ex back, find the help you need to achieve that (if you’re reading this article then you’re in the right place), rather than going to a therapist in the hope that your ex will be so flattered that you’re so willing to improve yourself for her, that she will say something along the lines of, “Well done. I’m so impressed that you went to see a therapist. That’s all the proof I need to convince me that you’re going to be an amazing boyfriend/fiancé/husband from now on. Okay, now we can get back together again.”
Yet, here’s the thing…
If your ex has lost respect and attraction for you, she’s not going to really care that you’re seeing a therapist.
Instead, if she currently perceives you in a negative light (e.g. she believes that you’re insecure and lack the kind of confidence she wants in a man) she’s likely just going to think that you’re desperately trying to impress her and she will feel turned off by you even more.
She may then say something like, “Well good for you, for seeing a therapist. However, I don’t really care one way or another. We’re not a couple anymore, so I don’t have to live with your stuff ups. It just doesn’t matter to me what you do now.”
So, rather than try to impress your ex by seeing a therapist, why not focus on re-attracting her instead.
For example: Some of the ways you can do that are…
- Understand what turned her off about you before and make some attractive changes and improvements to yourself based on that (Remember: You don’t have to be perfect, only better than before).
- Interact with her over the phone, but mostly in person and show her that you’re much more confident and sure of yourself than you used to be.
- Use humor to bring down her guard and make her laugh, smile and feel good to be seeing you again (especially if she’s initially being closed off, distant or even a little bit bitchy towards you).
- Flirt with her to create some sexual tension between you and her.
- Turn her negative feelings about the break up into something you can both look back at as a lesson learned and then laugh about together.
The more she can see for herself that you’re truly a different, better man now, the less she will be able to hold on to her decision to remain broken up.
She won’t be able to stop herself from dropping her guard a little bit and allowing herself to imagine what it would feel like if you and her were a couple again.
She will then likely want to be around you more and more and from there getting her back becomes easy and effortless.
Another example of when to see a therapist after a break up is…
2. You are seriously contemplating going through with a suicide
Sometimes, the shock of a break up can make a guy spiral into a deep depression, where the only way he can think of to escape the pain and despair he’s feeling is to actually kill himself.
Now matter how often he tells himself, “Get a grip man!” or, “Stop being such a wuss!” he can’t seem to snap out of these negative, harmful thoughts.
In a case like that, it’s probably a good idea for the guy to get some help right away and go see a therapist.
Note: Almost everyone has briefly considered suicide at some point in their life.
The difference is when you really feel like you are going to do it for sure and need someone to talk you out of it.
However, in almost all other instances, a guy doesn’t really need to see a therapist after a break up, because making mistakes and dealing with the consequences of those mistakes (i.e. being broken up with) is part of life.
Yes, there will almost certainly be heartache and bouts of depression and moments where the guy is thinking negative things like, “I can’t believe she’s gone. I feel so lost without her. It’s like my life is over and I will never be able to feel happy and fulfilled again. My life sucks and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to feel better and move on.”
However, most of the time, he gets past this stage of grief pretty quickly and before long he’s feeling a lot more optimistic about his future.
He might then decide that he’s perfectly fine without his ex and that he doesn’t really miss her all that much after all.
He will then make himself available to meeting, hooking up and dating other women, until he finds himself another woman who makes him feel happy and fulfilled when in a relationship with her.
Alternatively, the guy might decide that he’s not going to give up on getting his ex back.
In a case like that, he will focus on quickly changing and improving himself in some of the ways he knows are important to his ex.
He then calls her on the phone, re-sparks some of her feelings of respect and attraction for him (e.g. by making her laugh and smile, by flirting with her to create some sexual tension between them again, by not responding to her in the ways that used to turn her off), and gets her to agree to meet up with him.
At the meet up, he shows her that he’s truly changed and improved and is now a better man than before (e.g. more confident, more emotionally masculine, more assertive and able to stand his ground with her and with other people).
When she sees that he’s now able to give her the attraction experience she always wanted from him but never got, it becomes a lot more difficult for her to continue looking at him in a negative way.
Her defenses come down and she then opens up to the idea of being his girl again.
So, right now, you need to honestly decide how you really feel after your break up.
If you’re at a point where you can’t seem to find your way out of your negative thoughts and feel totally hopeless and like you don’t want to go on living, then by all means get the help you need to pull you out.
Then, when you feel better, you might even decide that you want to get your ex back and go about making it happen.
On the other hand, if you’re just going through the normal stages of grief after your break up (i.e. shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, acceptance), then you probably do not need to see a therapist.
Instead, just focus on regaining control of your emotions and then decide what you want to do (i.e. move on and find yourself an even better, more attractive woman than your ex, or re-attract her and get her back into a relationship with you that’s 100% better than before).
The choice is yours.
By the way…
There are some guys who say they’re going to kill themselves, but that’s only because they want to make their ex feel sorry for them and then hopefully give them another chance.
However, they’re not really serious about committing suicide and they probably wouldn’t really want to see a therapist either because he/she would catch them out in their ploy (i.e. that they’re only faking wanting to kill themselves to trick their ex into a relationship again).
Another example of when to see a therapist after a break up is…
3. You can no longer function properly as a person, even though the break up was weeks ago
Sometimes, a break up can really dent a man’s confidence to the point where everything in his life starts falling apart.
For example: He might…
- Get into trouble at work (e.g. being late, handing in sloppy work, missing important deadlines, being rude to customers or clients, disrespecting his boss).
- Get into fights or arguments with anyone or everyone (e.g. with his friends or family, every time he goes out to a bar or club, his co-workers).
- Not be eating or sleeping properly anymore.
- Start becoming more and more dependent on external stimulants to cope (e.g. alcohol, prescription pills, drugs).
In a case like this, the guy will probably benefit from seeing a therapist to help him calm down and figure out the best way to move forward.
However, if he’s coping fairly well and is simply going through the natural grief most people experience after a break up, then chances are high that he doesn’t need to see a therapist.
By the way…
If you’re currently feeling lost and panicked without your ex woman and possibly even thinking things like, “I don’t know what to do without her. She was my reason for living and everything seems dull and pointless without her. Everyone keeps telling me to forget about her and move on, or that there are plenty fish in the sea, but I don’t want to get over her! I just want things to go back to the way they used to be at the beginning of our relationship where we were so in love and happy. Maybe I should see a therapist to help me get over her?” don’t despair.
There’s no reason to see a therapist if what you really want is to get your ex back.
However, you can’t do that from a place of weakness and desperation, because when you interact with her (over the phone and in person) she will automatically pick up on your hopelessness and despair and she will feel even more turned off by you, which is not what you want.
So, what should you do?
To begin with, you have to get to the point where you believe and accept that you don’t need her in your life to be happy and fulfilled.
Of course, you really want her back, but you don’t need her back.
Sure, you miss her and feel sad without her, but you will not die without her.
Yes, your life will be great with her in it, but if that doesn’t happen, you will survive and you will be able to live a happy life without her.
When you start thinking that way, you will discover that not only do you stop feeling so emotionally dependent on her for your emotional well being, you also start to feel better about yourself and your future, even if she’s not in it.
When your mindset changes in that way, something amazing happens…
You instantly begin to become more emotionally attractive to your ex, because you’re now more confident, emotionally independent and emotionally masculine.
Then, whenever you interact with her on a phone call, or in person and she notices that you are now emotionally strong and happy in your life without her, she begins to see you in a different way.
Suddenly, her sexual and romantic feelings for you that she pushed into the background get woken up, and she feels drawn to you again in a way that feels good to her.
She then becomes open to hanging out with you more and more to see how she feels.
This is why it’s so important that you get to the point where you want her back, but you don’t need her.
You can do that within days and you do not need to see a therapist to achieve it.
Where Many Guys Go Wrong After a Break Up
Although there are definitely certain times when a guy should talk to a therapist, it can also become a crutch for a guy who doesn’t know how to cope with his emotions and either move forward with his life (i.e. find a new woman), or get his ex back.
So, before you decide whether you should see a therapist, consider the following mistakes that guys make in a situation like yours:
1. Making the pain worse by talking about it with a therapist who is willing to listen because he/she gets paid by the hour
A therapist’s main function is to help a patient clarify his feelings in order to solve the problems he is facing.
This can take weeks of appointments and cost a lot of money, with you never really getting a solution on how to get your ex girl back.
A therapist will listen, but they won’t always be able to fix the problem.
Although there might be some benefits in expressing your feelings to a therapist, the truth is that talking about it isn’t going to change what happened between you and her.
Only taking action will.
By the way…
According to the founder of the International Center for Clinical Excellence (an international consortium of clinicians, researchers, and educators dedicated to promoting excellence in behavioral health services), studies have actually proven that therapy is actually not very effective at all.
In fact, 5-10% of patients actually get worse after therapy and 35-40% of patients experience no benefit whatsoever.
So, if you want to get your ex back, you’re better off focusing on interacting with her and re-attracting her, rather than seeing a therapist and repeatedly expressing your grief week after week without really making any progress.
Another mistake that guys make in a situation like yours is…
2. Not knowing that there is an easier way to get a woman back
Sometimes a guy simply doesn’t know how to cope with a break up.
All he does know is that he feels bad and he wants her back, but he doesn’t know how to make that happen.
As a result, he might think to himself, “If I go see a therapist, maybe my ex will take it as a sign that I’m making an effort to be a better man for her. She will then be more willing to give me another chance, because I’m actually dealing with my issues this time.”
Yet, what he doesn’t understand is that a woman doesn’t want to hear about a guy’s struggle to become a better man by seeing a therapist.
Instead, she just wants him to get on with fixing his issues, without needing her approval for getting the job done.
The truth is, there’s a much quicker and easier way to get an ex woman back, other than getting therapy.
You need to get her on a call or to a meet up with you right away and begin sparking some of her feelings of respect and attraction for you again.
The more you awaken those feelings inside of her, the more open she becomes to giving you another chance.
Remember: What matters to a woman is how you make her feel when she’s with you (e.g. attracted, excited, turned on, in love vs. bored, annoyed, turned off, disappointed).
So, focus on that and you will be amazed by her response.
Another mistake that guys make in a situation like yours is…
3. Feeling sorry for himself, rather than regaining control of his emotions and getting her back
Feeling some pain and despair after a break up is perfectly normal.
However, wallowing in misery and feeling sorry for yourself isn’t going to help you accomplish anything.
If anything, it’s going to make your ex feel justified in her decision to break up with you, because in her eyes, you being unable to get control of your emotions is a sign of an emotionally weak and wimpy man.
Here’s the thing…
When a woman sees a man falling apart after a break up, her natural instincts kick in and she starts thinking things like, “I see now that he’s definitely not the man for me. He’s so much more emotionally weak and sensitive than I imagined. He can’t even cope with a break up. That makes me wonder what would happen if he was faced with something really challenging in his life. He’d probably crumble and expect me to hold his hand and take care of him. No thanks! I need a real man that I can depend on to take care of me, not the other way around.”
So, if you want to re-attract your ex, make sure that you don’t turn her off by feeling sorry for yourself.
A better approach is to quickly get control of your emotions and then show her (during interactions) that you’re a confident and emotionally strong man.
She will then automatically feel respect for you for coping so well.
She will also start to feel attracted to you again and from there you can build up her feelings for you and make her want to be your girl once more.