If your ex feels as though you abused her emotionally and is reluctant to give you another chance, it doesn’t mean that you have no chance with her at all.
Even though emotional abuse isn’t a good thing, the reality is that millions of couples break up and get back together over much worse things that emotional abuse.
So, don’t count yourself out yet.
You still can get another chance with her and create new, happier, more loving and mature relationship that feels amazing for the both of you.
You can do that if you approach the ex back process correctly (i.e. in a way that makes her feel attracted and drawn to you and wanting to be with you again).
If you want to achieve that and get another chance with her, be sure to avoiding making any of the following common following mistakes that other guys make when in a situation like yours:
1. Not getting clear on new and better ways of communicating with her, before reaching out to her again
Better ways of communicating with her doesn’t mean going from being a bit of an asshole, to being a super nice, sweet, polite, caring guy.
That’s just not going to work.
Guys who use the nice guy approach with women struggle with dating, when in relationship and when trying to get an ex back, because women simply don’t find it attractive when a guy is being too nice, in order to suck up to her.
Additionally, being too nice often comes from a place of desperation (i.e. the guy is desperate to get laid or get a girlfriend, but has no idea how to make women want him. The guy notices that his girlfriend is losing interest and thinking of breaking up with him, so he becomes really nice to hopefully get her to take pity on him and not leave. The guy feels guilty for emotionally abusing his ex, has no idea how to re-attract her, so starts being really nice to hopefully get her to take pity on him and give him another chance).
So, if you want to get your ex back, you need to make sure that you are ready and willing to use a communication style with her that will actually re-attract her.
For example: If you didn’t really listen to her opinions before and would put her down, start listening to her opinions and being open to them, but don’t just agree with everything she is saying to hopefully get her to take pity on you.
Instead, she will feel as though she’s got too much power over you now (due to your desperation to get her back) and as a result, she will feel turned off by you.
So, listen to her opinions, be open to them and take some of them on board, but also remember to make the interactions feel fun and cause her to feel attracted to you, by adding in some humor, playfully making fun of some of the things she is saying, playfully making fun of yourself and just generally making the situation feel a little lighter and more easygoing, rather than so serious, angry and confrontational.
So, if she angrily said, “You always pointed out my faults and never complimented me” you can say (in a joking way), “That’s because there is nothing to compliment.”
You can then smile, laugh and say, “Just kidding. I was an asshole for not complimenting you, when there were so many things about you that I could have complimented and that I could compliment you on now. I never told you that I thought you looked beautiful in the morning when you would wake up. You always looked cute in the mornings, but I never said it. I also never told you how much I appreciated your support of me; just the way you are as a woman. You had my back, but I didn’t have yours because I was being an asshole.”
When a woman hears you say something like that with sincerity, she can then realize that you really do get where you were going wrong with her and more importantly, that things might actually be different if you got back together.
Additionally, this is a more subtle point, but is also very important.
That is, many women are attracted to the idea of turning an asshole of guy (or a bad boy or player,) into a good, loving, committed man, who still maintains his confidence and masculinity (i.e. he doesn’t turn into a soppy, nice guy).
It’s not something that women like to go around admitting openly, but many women do feel attracted to unpredictable, challenging, emotionally unavailable men who they can potentially tame and turn into a more loving, present man.
Likewise, many women struggle with understanding what they actually want from men because a woman will often meet a really nice guy, who is kind, committed and totally serious about her, but she won’t want to be with him, even though that is what she wants.
What’s missing for her is the attraction, because guys like that are often too nice, accommodating, predictable and easy (i.e. she doesn’t really have to do anything and the guy treats her like a princess and is totally committed to her. She can even treat him very badly, ignore him, disrespect him and use him and he’ll still keep treating her like a princess. As a result, she feels as though he is desperate, or has no backbone).
It’s a difficult thing for a lot of people to understand, but the answer is simple.
It’s about attraction.
If a woman feels attracted to a guy (e.g. because he’s confident, a challenge, a good man, charming, charismatic, funny), but he’s also a bit emotionally unavailable or emotionally abusive, she will usually be much more willing to try and make that relationship work, compared to a relationship with a guy who she isn’t attracted to, but he is doing all the ‘nice’ things that come with a relationship.
A lot of women really struggle with that and end up getting in and out of relationships into their 30s and 40s as a result.
Yet, if one of those women were to find a good man who treated her well, but also knew how to make her feel attracted, then she would happily settle down with him.
The problem for women is that those men are so hard to find.
So, in terms of you and your ex: You most likely have a lot of qualities that she looks for in a man and she probably felt a lot of attraction for you in the relationship.
As a result, she is probably still feeling a certain level of attraction to you and wondering why she feels that way, even though you were emotionally abusive.
It’s not that she wants the emotional abuse, but she wants the attraction she felt with you, as well as a relationship where she is treated well, loved, respected and appreciated.
If you can interact with her and let her sense that you are now that kind of man (don’t tell her that, because it can easily appear to her that you’re trying to sell yourself to her out of desperation), she will struggle to get over you and will want to give you another chance.
So, here’s the thing…
Your ex is likely expecting you to talk and behave in the same ways you did before the break up (e.g. not listen to her and insist that your opinion is the right one, take everything she says too seriously and then get annoyed or upset with her), or try to get her back with a nice guy approach (i.e. suck up to her).
If you approach her in those ways, it’s an almost 100% chance of failure.
So, don’t do it.
Instead, surprise her and reawaken her feelings for you by communicating in a new and better way that matches where you and her are at right now.
When you do, you will see a complete change in her and her treatment of you.
Yet, if you use the same old approach, or turn into a nice guy, then she’s going to keep moving on without you.
Another mistake to avoid is…
2. Seeking forgiveness in a way that seems selfish to her
For example: A guy might apologize by telling his ex girlfriend how guilty he feels about the pain he caused her and how he hasn’t been able to sleep or eat since she left him.
He will tell her that he has been suffering emotionally and may even be depressed now because of it.
He might also say that he’ll never be able to forgive himself if she doesn’t accept his apology.
From his point of view, he’s trying to emphasize how deeply sorry he is, but from her perspective, all she’s basically hearing is, “Me, me, me!”
As a result, she naturally perceives him as being selfish and not having changed at all.
So, she continues to move on without him.
3. Hoping she will be impressed and want him back, if he says that he’s been going to a therapist, or psychologist to get help and fix his issues
Women don’t like it when an ex guy goes to therapy, or sees a psychologist and then tells her all about it to hopefully get her to praise him for becoming a better man, or to feel pity for him and give him another chance.
It can not only make the woman feel like the guy is a mess and she should steer of him, but it can also make her feel as though he’s trying to manipulate her into giving him another chance by making her feel guilty (i.e. how could she dump a guy who has huge issues stemming from his childhood, or previous relationships? How could she just leave him like that? Does she have no heart?).
So, what should you do instead?
What a woman wants to see from her ex after a break up (if she is still interested in him), is that he levels up as a man and then lets her experience that, without having to tell her all about the journey he has been on (i.e. going to therapy sessions, seeing a psychologist for hours and crying his eyes out about his childhood or previous relationships).
A woman doesn’t want to feel like she has to say, “Oh, there, there. You poor thing” like a mother, or big sister.
She wants a man that she can look up to, respect and feel proud to be with, not a guy who is a mess and needs her to take pity on him.
So, if you have to fix, adjust, change or improve certain things about yourself, then by all means, do it.
Just don’t tell her all about it.
Instead, let her experience the new and improved you, feel attracted to you because of it and then naturally want to give you another chance as a result.
If she doesn’t open up to giving you another chance right away, it will be on her mind all the time because she has felt a renewed sense of respect and attraction for you.
As a result, she will begin missing you, worrying about you moving on without her and fearing that she may regret not giving you a chance while she still can.
4. Writing her a letter to explain everything he has learned, what he’s sorry for and how much she means to him
Sometimes a guy will do that because he hopes that if he puts himself down enough times in the letter, his ex will feel like she has finally gotten through to him and he is now worthy of another chance.
Yet, a letter leaves way too much room for misinterpretation because she can’t hear the sincerity in his voice, sense his vibe or assess his body language.
As a result, rather than giving him the benefit of the doubt (i.e. totally believing that he is coming from a sincere place, is confident, has truly changed), she may assume that his letter is another way for him to attempt to manipulate her and abuse her emotionally (i.e. by making her feel sorry for him enough to give him another chance. Then, she finds out that he’s still the same as before. Yet, before she has a chance to dump him, he dumps her for revenge).
That is why, you should try to achieve everything via texts, emails or messages with your ex.
If you want your ex to forgive you and want to give you and the relationship another chance, the best approach is to interact with her over the phone (audio or video call) and preferably in person.
When you talk to her over the phone or in person, you should give her a brief, sincere apology and then just focus on reawakening her feelings of attraction for you.