Here are 7 common reasons why a woman will say that to her ex man.
Which one do you think most applies to you and your relationship with her?
1. She is trying to make him feel guilty, so he feels like the break up was all his fault
Sometimes, a woman doesn’t want to admit the fact that she was at least partly to blame for the relationship problems between her and her ex.
So, to avoid having to take responsibility for her actions (e.g. because she doesn’t want to look bad in other peoples eyes, she doesn’t want to have to change and improve, she wants to get sympathy from people), she will accuse him of being emotionally abusive to her.
That way, she puts all the blame on him and makes him feel guilty for ruining their relationship, while she gets to be the suffering victim.
Of course, most guys are good, honest men and being accused of something like that can be very shocking and cause a guy to feel very guilty and regretful of his actions.
He can start to view himself as being a horrible boyfriend, when in fact, he simply got a little annoyed or angry at her at times, which she also did with him.
Maybe he went a little further with his annoyance or anger than her, or maybe he tried to control her or make her feel worse about herself than she did to him, but in almost all cases, he isn’t a horrible, bad man that needs to feel deeply guilty.
Instead, he simply stuffed up because he didn’t know how else to deal with the relationship problems.
Yet, he has learned from the experience now and knows that he would react differently, if he could only get another chance with her.
Unfortunately though, some women are very good at making their ex boyfriend feel like the worst man on Earth, so in many cases, he will feel guilty and see the break up as being all his fault.
She can then manipulate him and make him follow her wishes (e.g. tell him to leave her alone and never contact her again because she can’t deal with talking to him due to all the emotional abuse and how hurt she still is from it, get him to do favors for her to help her out, force him to be extra nice to her and suck up to her), because he’s feeling so much guilt for what he did to her.
Meanwhile, she doesn’t have to feel any guilt for all of the angry outbursts she had, the insults she dealt him, the selfish behavior or anything else she did.
She is the victim and he is the one at fault.
Another reason why a woman will tell her ex that he was emotionally abusive is because…
2. She is being overly-dramatic to make him feel as though he has no chance with her now
In some cases, a woman doesn’t want her ex to try and get her back because she knows that if he does try, he will probably succeed.
She will give in, open up to him and give the relationship another chance, if he is able to successfully re-attract her.
So, to avoid giving him the chance, she will accuse him of being emotionally abusive to her, in the hope that he will feel so bad for what he supposedly did to her that he will stop chasing her and leave her alone.
She can then move on and start seeing new men, rather than being seduced back into a relationship with her ex.
Unfortunately, a lot of guys don’t realize what is happening and end up believing the overly dramatic show that their ex girlfriend (or wife) is putting on when texting him, talking to him on the phone or in person.
She’s acting like he was such a bad guy who has caused so much emotional damage, pain and hurt and trying to make him see that he has no chance with her now because of it.
Yet, the reality is that if her ex sticks around and uses interactions with her to reawaken her sexual and romantic feelings for him (e.g. by using humor to diffuse awkward, negative interactions and make her smile, laugh and feel good to be interacting with him. Staying calm, composed and confident, rather than panicking and getting sucked into her fake drama that she is creating to make him feel insecure and unworthy of her), she will naturally begin to change her mind about not wanting to give him another chance.
Not because she simply changes her mind, but because he is making her feel attracted to him again.
Attraction changes everything.
When a woman experiences new, exciting and interesting feelings of attraction for her ex, she realizes that she’s not done with him yet.
She still has feelings for him and will want to explore them, rather than missing him for months and trying to get over him, or not giving him a chance and then regretting it when she sees him with a new woman.
So, for example, if she is being a drama queen about the whole thing and the guy has already apologized to her, he doesn’t need to keep apologizing.
Instead, he can remain calm, confident and composed and then laugh at her in a loving way as he says, “You’re such a drama queen. Oh, I was so emotionally abusive, wasn’t I? I was the worst boyfriend in the world. Your poor thing.”
Initially, she might act shocked that he’s not reacting the way she’s expecting him to and she may say, “How dare you make fun of my feelings that way! That just proves my point that you’re emotionally abusive.”
Yet, she will know that he is only joking and that he is being a good guy, because he has been treating her well and said something like the above in a loving, easy-going manner.
He didn’t say it in a mean, aggressive manner.
He was smiling and remaining composed, in the face of the chaos that she was trying to create in the moment.
Women respect that and they feel attracted to it, even though they might not admit in the moment.
So, when a guy has the balls to say something like that in a confident, composed, loving manner, his ex woman will respect him and feel attracted to him for not getting dragged into her drama and losing control of his emotions as a result (e.g. getting angry, pleading with her, losing confidence).
Another reason a woman will say that is because…
3. He was emotionally abusive and she realizes that now
Sometimes, a woman will be so in love with a guy that she will accept whatever he throws at her (e.g. he patronizes her, criticizes the things she is interested in, makes hurtful jokes about her, withholds affection to punish her).
She might even make excuses for his bad treatment of her by saying, “It’s just how he is,” or “It’s his way of talking. He doesn’t mean any harm” or, “He will change. I know it.”
Yet, if nothing ever changes, she will start to wonder if she is going to be happy with him in the long run or not.
Will he just dump her and leave her for another woman one day?
Will he get worse and start being physically abusive as well?
Will he lose more and more interest in her over time and expect her to just remain in the background of his life, while he focuses on things he loves and enjoys?
Will she ever be truly happy with him?
Likewise, if she notices how well the husbands and boyfriends of her girlfriends, coworkers and female family members treat them, she may feel envious of them without fully understanding why.
She knows that something about her relationship feels ‘off’ but she can’t explain it to herself, or she doesn’t want to completely blame her man.
Then, when she eventually decides to go through with breaking up with him, the realization might dawn on her that he was emotionally abusing her (e.g. he never made her feel good enough, he controlled her, he manipulated her, he caused her a lot of unnecessary pain and stress).
At that point, she might then feel angry with herself for putting up with his bad treatment for as long as she did.
If he asks for another chance, or asks why she left him, she might even admit it to him, “You were emotionally abusive. You made me feel like crap the whole time I was with you” or, “You made me feel guilty about everything. You tried to get me to focus only on you because you are so insecure. I couldn’t even talk to anyone else without you going crazy, or making me feel like I was a disloyal, cheating bitch!” or, “You caused me so much stress and anxiety. I am no longer like that, so I know it was you” and so on.
Another reason a woman will say that her ex was emotionally abusing her in the relationship…
4. He took her for granted and expected her to put up with it
Most guys are good guys.
Yet, even though a guy is a good guy and has good intentions with a woman, he might fall into the trap of believing that the love between him and his woman will last for life because it was so good at the start.
A guy like that might become neglectful and careless with his affection (e.g. stop complimenting her for the efforts she makes to look attractive for him, focus on the negatives about her physical appearance, rather than complimenting her on the positives to make her feel beautiful and feel motivated to put in more effort to look beautiful) and participation in the relationship (e.g. stop helping out with the chores, or complain or become moody when he has to do something).
So, if a woman notices that she’s always cleaning up after him, doing most of the housework and errands and generally putting in more effort than him in the relationship, she may begin to feel taken for granted and emotionally abused.
Likewise, if he also isn’t really making her feel as beautiful as he used to when they first met, she will start to feel taken for granted.
Yes, her body might have changed a little since they met, but it’s still her and she still wants to be loved and made to feel beautiful.
If he wants her to put more effort into her physical appearance, it will come from her loving her and accepting her as she is, while also creating a relationship dynamic where she wants to impress him.
When a man does that, a woman will feel appreciated and loved, but will also want to maintain her physical appearance to continue impressing him and being attractive to him.
Unfortunately, a lot of guys don’t realize that until it’s too late (e.g. they’ve been picking on the woman’s appearance for months or years and criticizing her).
A woman will usually put up with it for a while, but might also begin to complain to him about it in the hope that he will change.
If he fails to change, she will eventually begin to feel resentful and will start disconnecting from her feelings of love for him.
Soon after, she will decide to break up with him.
Then, she will try to find a replacement guy who makes her feel the way she wants to feel in a relationship (i.e. loved, appreciated, respected), if she doesn’t line a new guy up prior to the break up, that is.
Many women will already have a new guy lined up, or will cheat to get out of the relationship and cause their ex emotional pain, in revenge for how he treated her.
5. He used her insecurities and fears to control her, by making her feel like she needed him
If a guy is insecure and secretly worried that his woman could do better than him, he might try to make her feel as though she needs him more than he needs her.
For example: A woman might want to start a university course for adults, so she can get a degree, which may then lead to her getting a better job.
Yet, she’s worried that she’s not smart enough to accomplish it, or might not have the follow through to complete it, or might not have enough time and so on.
If she mentions her fears to her boyfriend, rather than encourage her and support her, he might say, “Don’t be ridiculous, you can’t do that! I’ve never seen you follow through on anything for more than a couple of months. You’d give up, believe me. Besides, I’m here to take care of you anyway. As long as you’ve got me, you don’t need to get a better job.”
He can then feel a little bit safer (even though he’s still worried), knowing she probably won’t leave him for another while yet because she still needs him.
6. He didn’t know how else to handle the relationship problems they were having
As a result, he would get angry at her and become emotionally abusive by…
- Yelling and screaming at her as a way of intimidating her and making her give in to him and accept his point of view.
- Calling her names (e.g. stupid, bitch, idiot).
- Using the word “always” when pointing out what he perceives as her mistakes (e.g. “You always make a big deal out of everything,” or “You’re always on my case about something,” or “You’re always stuffing up and then taking it out on me”). Generally speaking, that is how some women (not all) talk when they are being overly dramatic about things. It’s not how a man should talk though. If a man is going to be respected and looked up to by his woman for life, he needs to maintain control of his emotions and be logical and rational. She has to be able to trust in him as her rock, rather than being something that crumbles under pressure.
- Blaming her for all their problems as a couple.
- Stomping out of the room in the middle of their argument, thereby keeping the problem unresolved. Then, being very moody when she tried to talk to him, or when he went to talk to her again.
Those sorts of behaviors naturally erode a woman’s feelings of respect, attraction and love for guy and then, the idea of sticking around doesn’t appeal to her anymore.
When she looks back on it, she might come to the conclusion that he was an emotionally abusive guy, without ever really giving him the benefit of the doubt (i.e. realizing that he just didn’t know what else to do).
Another common reason…
7. He was too controlling
For example: Some of the ways that a guy will become too controlling of his girlfriend, include…
- He insists on knowing where she is at all times and demands that she responds to his calls or texts immediately, no matter where she is or what she’s doing (e.g. at work, driving, hanging out with a friend).
- He shows up unexpectedly to check if she’s where she said she would be (e.g. at her parents’ house, at a specific coffee shop with friends).
- He checks her internet history, emails, texts, and social media account and might even demand that she give him all her passwords.
- He insists they have a shared bank account and then makes her ask him for money or get permission to buy things, rather than trusting her to spend the money wisely, or respect their budget.
- He tries too hard to control how she talks or behaves when around him, to the point where she can’t relax and be herself anymore.
What a guy like that often doesn’t realize, is that even if he means well (i.e. he just wants the relationship to work), when he is being controlling, he is literally destroying his woman’s feelings of trust, respect, attraction and love for him over time.
Then, without enough of those feelings present in the relationship, she simply stops feeling motivated to stick with him.
Deep down, she may still love him and wish things didn’t turn out that way, but she won’t want to get back with him again, unless she can see that he truly gets it now.
He knows where he went wrong and is a completely different man now.
More importantly, she can feel that, sense that and see it when she interacts with him.
When she feels differently around him (in a good way), she realizes that what they had doesn’t have to be over and could actually be a lot more enjoyable this time around.