Here are 4 tips to help you get her back:
1. Understand that she knows you well, so your usual tactics won’t work so well on her anymore
Chances are high that even though your ex just dumped you for real after so many years together, she probably threatened to do it at least once (but likely many times) before.
For example: After a particularly big argument, she may have said things like, “I’m fed up with you! You’re driving me crazy and I don’t even know why I put up with all your crap. I’d be better off dumping you and moving on with my life.”
In some instances she may even have moved out for a few days (if you and her were living together), or ignored you, if you didn’t.
However, every time that happened, you probably did everything in your power to convince her to change her mind (e.g. you promised her that you would change, you sent her messages or e-mails telling her how much you love her and how sorry you were for hurting you, you bought her flowers or gifts).
Of course, because she loved you too, she allowed herself to be talked into giving you another chance, while in all likelihood secretly hoping that this time you would really change and become the man she was hoping you would be.
Yet, if every time that happened you reverted back to being the same guy as before, it’s understandable that she finally got fed up and dumped you for real.
The good news though, is that you can get her back again, even if she is saying things like, “This time it’s final! I will never get back with you. Just accept that it’s over between us and leave me alone!”
However, you can’t do it the same way you’ve been doing it up to now, because she knows all your tactics and she will likely push you away and say something like, “Don’t try to sweet talk me into giving you another chance, because this time your tricks won’t work. I mean what I say. It’s over between us for real this time!”
This is why, you need to use a new approach and change the way you communicate with her, the style of conversation you have, the vibe you project and the expectations you place on her.
For example: Rather than push her to get back with you, you can tell her that you accept her decision.
Then, you need to use telephone calls and meet ups to re-spark her feelings of respect and attraction for you again, by showing her that you’ve already taken action to become a better man (e.g. if you were too laid back and unmotivated before, you’re now more focused and driven, if you treated her like one of your buddies before, you now flirt with her to create a sexual spark between you, if you were allowed her to call all the shots before making her feel more emotionally dominant than you, you now stand your ground and don’t let her walk all over you).
When you do that, you’ll be amazed by how quickly her attitude changes.
Suddenly, she wants to interact with you more and more.
When she opens back up like that, you can then fully re-attract her and get her back.
Another tip to help you get her back is…
2. Get clear on what parts of the attraction experience were lacking
Right now, you probably feel quite shocked that your girl dumped you after being together for years and you may even be thinking things like, “I just don’t understand what happened. I know we had our ups and downs, but isn’t that how all relationships are? No one is happy all the time. As far as I’m concerned, what we had was stronger than our problems. However, seeing as she dumped me after all these years, she clearly didn’t feel the same way as me.”
If so, you’re not alone.
Many guys who get dumped by their woman don’t really understand why it happened.
However, if you’re going to successfully regain her respect, attraction and love for you, you’re going to have to get to the point where you can see things from her perspective.
When you start to understand what she was seeing/feeling/experiencing in the relationship with you, you can quickly make some attractive changes to your thinking, communication style and behavior and re-attract her.
By the way…
If you’re not quite sure what parts of the attraction experience were lacking in your relationship with your ex, here are some questions to ask yourself to gain clarity:
Did you remain emotionally strong and independent in the relationship, or did you end up becoming too clingy, needy, possessive or jealous?
Did you always treat her with love and respect regardless of how much she annoyed you, or did you unconsciously slip into a habit of treating her badly (e.g. you became too emotional/aggressive/abusive/controlling/selfish)?
Were you able to maintain her feelings of attraction by treating her like a sexy desirable woman, or did you start treating her more like your friend or roommate?
Did you maintain the important qualities that originally attracted her to you (e.g. your confidence, drive and ambition, charm and charisma), or did you slowly slip into thinking that because she loved you, you didn’t have to put in the effort to be that man for her anymore?
Did you keep your promises to her to be a man that she could rely on, or did you often go back on your word (e.g. forget to call, unavailable when she needed you)?
When you understand where you went wrong, you can change and improve those things about yourself and then let your ex experience the new you during interactions.
The more she can see that you’re now at a new level as a man and that if she gives you another chance you won’t be slipping back like you may have done before, the more open she becomes to the possibility of getting back together again.
Another tip to help you get her back is…
3. Don’t try to get her to want a relationship before you’ve properly re-attracted her and hooked up sexually at least once
For the time being, your ex is convinced that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore.
So, if you then start pressuring her by saying things like, “I miss you so much! I hate that we’ve broken up. Can’t we just work things out and get back together again? Let us at least try. After all, we’ve put so many years into our relationship, isn’t it worth saving?” chances are she’ll close herself off from you even more and possibly even block your number/unfriend you on social media so that you can’t easily communicate with her.
Here’s the thing…
If you don’t first reactivate some of your ex’s sexual and romantic feelings for you, suggesting that you just get back together again because you and her were together for years will likely just make her think something like, “He just doesn’t get it. He expects me to overlook all the problems we have simply because we’ve been together for years. He’s so selfish! He only cares about what he wants, without even bothering to see things from my perspective. I have to do whatever it takes to make it clear to him that it’s over, so he won’t pressure me anymore, even if that means hooking up with another guy as soon as possible.”
So, if you don’t want that type of response, don’t put that kind of pressure on her.
Instead, just focus on using every interaction you have with her to spark some of her feelings for you (e.g. by using humor to break down her defenses, by flirting with her to create some sexual tension between you, by showing her that you’ve already started to transform into the kind of man she always wanted you to be).
Once she starts feeling respect and attraction for you again, you can then progress to giving her a hug (i.e. after a catch up) and if she doesn’t pull away, give her a kiss as well.
From there, if she’s open, you can go to your place or hers and hook up with her sexually.
When you re-attract her and then have sex with her, it becomes easier for her to fall back in love with you, because it feels good, different and exciting.
You and her can then get back together in a relationship that is far more mature, loving and deeper than the last one.
Another tip to help you get her back is…
4. Give her space if she needs it, but continue to re-attract her and make her feel like she is missing out on being with the new you
Sometimes a woman is undecided about how to interact with her ex.
Part of her likely misses him (after all they were together for years) and wants to hear his voice on the phone or see him in person and the other part of her wants to cut off all contact with him so that she can heal and move on.
This is why, your ex might not be as open to interacting with your as you might like.
However, don’t let that stop you from interacting with her and give her too much space (e.g. 30 or 60 days), because if you do, you may end up giving her the time she needs to fully get over you and possibly even find a new man.
Of course that doesn’t mean you should become a pesky, desperate ex boyfriend who won’t leave her alone for a minute either.
Instead, you should give her a few days of space if she needs it (up to 7) and then you need to get her on a call with you and spark some of her feelings of respect and attraction for you.
For example: Some of the ways you can do that is by…
- Using humor to break down her defenses and make her feel happy to be hearing from you again, rather than wishing you hadn’t called her.
- Being confident and self-assured on the call with her (even when she’s being cold or distant), rather than sounding insecure, nervous or unsure of yourself and turning her off as a result.
- Responding to what she says differently so that she can see that you’ve changed and improved since the break up (e.g. if she tries to dominate you during conversation, rather than give in to her like you used to do in the past, you now stand up to her in a firm, yet loving way).
- Flirting with her to create some sexual tension between you and her and make her feel like a feminine woman in your presence, rather than being too nice, sweet or neutral with her so she feels nothing.
Then, once you’ve reactivated some of her feelings for you again, cut off contact with her for a few more days (again nothing longer than 7 days, but preferably less than that), so that she can begin to miss you.
She will then likely start to think things like, “I really thought it was over between us, but I can’t seem to get over him after all. I realize now that he’s changed and I like who he has become. After all the years of being together, I want to be the woman who gets to enjoy the new version of him. I don’t want to lose him now that he’s become the man I always wanted him to be.”
Then, when you get in touch with her again a few days later, she will be happy to hear from you.
Her guard will be down and you can then meet up with her and show her that she really will be missing out if she doesn’t give you another chance.
From there, continue to build on her sexual and romantic feelings for you and then get to a hug, a kiss, sex and into a new relationship with you.
Where Guys Go Wrong After Being Dumped By a Long Term Girlfriend
There’s no denying that it sucks to get dumped by the woman you love after being together of years and you may even be feeling a bit hopeless at the moment.
However, the good news is that when you change your approach and begin making your ex feel sparks of attraction and respect for you every time she interacts with you, the more open she will become to getting back together.
Of course, the opposite applies too.
If you continue turning her off every time you interact with her, she’ll feel even more convinced that she made the right decision to dump you and she will then double her efforts to get over you and move on.
So, to prevent that from happening, make sure you avoid making the following mistakes:
1. Expecting her to want to continue the relationship after all you’ve been through
No matter how long you and your ex were together, how many hurdles you have overcome as couple, or how madly in love with each other you used to be at one time, it’s all in the past now.
So, if you try to convince her to give you another chance based on that, she’s likely not going to fall for it, because what matters to her is how she feels now and how she feels now is that she doesn’t want to be with you anymore.
So, if you want to change that, how you make her feel now is what is most important and what will work to get her back.
Here’s the thing…
Unlike in the past where a woman was expected to stay with her man for life, despite how she felt about him, these days, if a woman isn’t feeling the way she wants to feel in a relationship, she can break up with her boyfriend (fiancé or husband) and move on regardless of how long they’ve been together or what they’ve been through.
This is why, if you want your ex back, don’t bother trying to convince her based on what you and her have been through in the past.
She needs to feel respect and attraction for you right now based on experiencing the new and improved version of you.
How you make her feel now is what counts.
So, focus on that.
Another mistake is …
2. Offering her the same kind of attraction experience, which then makes other guys seem more appealing
Some guys miss out on getting their ex woman back because they keep giving her the same attraction experience that worked on her the first time around (e.g. being really nice and passive, buying her gifts, listening more, letting her call the shots).
Yet, if that approach was as effective, she wouldn’t be an ex.
So, if your ex is not opening up to you, it’s probably because your approach to attraction isn’t very attractive to her anymore.
This is why you need to change your approach and begin giving her a new attraction experience, so she feels motivated to get back together again (e.g. if you’ve always been submissive around her, start being more ballsy, while still being a good guy, if you’ve been treating her like she’s your best friend, start treating her more like she’s a sexy, desirable woman).
Only when she feels attracted to you in new ways, will she be happy to try and work things out with you.
However, if you keep giving her the same attraction experience over and over again, she’ll naturally feel drawn to other men who make her feel more excited, turned on and desirable than you.
Another mistake is …
3. Trying to discuss the relationship or work things out via text
Although texting might seem like your only option of staying in touch with your ex if she’s being distant and offish towards you, using it as your preferred method of working things out is a big no, no.
First of all, it will likely make your ex feel like you don’t even care enough about her to talk to her over the phone or in person.
She may then think things like, “After all the years we spent together as a couple, all I’m worth to him is a half-hearted text message trying to convince me to change my mind. He doesn’t even care enough to call me and talk to me in person.”
As a result, she closes up even more and possibly even blocks your number on her phone so that she doesn’t have to see your texts to her.
Secondly, when a woman has a lot of time to look at and analyze your words, she can easily start reading things into what you’re saying that you never intended.
For example: You might say something like, “After so many years together I think we owe it to ourselves to try and fix things,” but she then interprets it as you saying, “I miss all the chores you used to do around here and I think you owe it to me to come back and do those things for me.”
Of course that’s not what you’re saying at all.
However, because she’s angry and annoyed and she can’t hear the tonality of your voice and see your body language which will prove to her that you’re a new man and that you’re being sincere about wanting her back, she will usually interpret everything you say to her via text based on her feelings for you (i.e. in a negative way).
This is why, if you want to get your ex back for real, you need to leave discussions about your relationship for when you’re talking to her face-to-face at a meet up and then, only after you’ve re-sparked her feelings of respect and attraction for you.
Approach things in the correct way and you will easily melt her defenses and get her back.
On the other hand, approach things the wrong way (i.e. try to get her back via text) and she will continue saying things like, “I’m sorry. I know we were together for years, but it’s over now. You need to put what we had together behind you and move on.”