If your ex is currently saying things like, “I don’t want to start dating you again. It’s over between us,” you may be thinking, “Why is she being so stubborn? Why won’t she at least try to work things out with me? I know for sure that I will be a better boyfriend (husband) this time around if she would only give me a chance.”
So, why is she currently saying no to dating you again?
Here are the 3 most common reasons why a woman will say that to her ex…
1. She Doesn’t Want to Call it “Dating” Because That Makes it Sound Like She’s Going to Commit to a Relationship
So, rather than referring to it as a “date” or asking her to consider “dating” you again, just refer to it as “meeting up” or “catching up.”
That takes the pressure off her and she can then relax and see what happens when you do meet up in person.
If you will make that simple change to your wording, you will see an immediate shift in how she reacts to your suggestions.
In approximately 90% of the ex back cases that I’ve worked on over the years, when a guy interacts with his ex woman and sparks some of her feelings again, she immediately or very quickly becomes open to meeting up with him in person and seeing how she feels.
Yet, she doesn’t want him to refer to it as a “date” because that makes it feel as though it’s a date and then a relationship.
She first wants to see if he has truly changed and improved the things that caused her to break up with him in the first place (e.g. he wasn’t being enough of a man for her, he had become insecure), or if he’s just been putting on an act to get her back and will soon go back to being the same guy that was turning her off before.
For example: A guy might be clingy and overly protective in a relationship with a woman, so after she breaks up with him, to get her back he might try to be more easy-going and relaxed around her.
Yet, once she agrees to dating him again, he may then slowly start falling back into his old ways (e.g. getting upset if she tries to do things independently of him, insisting on knowing her every move, looking over her shoulder when she is using her phone, asking about her male coworkers, asking what her girlfriends have been saying about him).
For these reasons, a woman will usually say “No” to dating her ex again until she feels confident that he has truly changed the things about himself that turned her off and isn’t just pretending to get her back.
So, in cases like that, a guy just needs to keep showing his ex (via his actions, behavior, communication style and the way he responds to what she says and does now), that he really has changed.
He needs to do that regardless of whether she is being open and friendly to him or not.
Many women will act cold or become closed off after a break up, because they don’t want to make it easy for their ex (especially an insecure ex) to feel confident as he gets her back.
She wants to see that he is confident with or without her help and reassurance of her feelings.
2. She Currently Doesn’t Feel Enough Respect and Attraction For Him
Generally speaking, most women don’t just give up on a relationship with a guy for no reason at all.
For a woman to break up with a guy, she will have usually reached a point where she is thinking things like, “I don’t know why I’m with him anymore. I used to enjoy being around him and he used to make me feel good. I used to love it when he touched me and kissed me, but now I don’t feel attracted to him anymore. I don’t feel like I’m being my real self when I’m around him either because I seem to always be in a bad mood. I want to smile and feel happy with my man, rather than feel like I need to get away from him to breathe and feel normal again.”
In most cases, when a woman reaches a point where she’s thinking like that, she may hint about what’s bothering her in an attempt to get the guy to change his behavior.
If he doesn’t notice or doesn’t care to change for her and continues behaving in ways that turn her off, she will gradually lose respect for him.
Without respect, it then becomes very difficult for her to feel sexually attracted to him and without respect and attraction, she will then start to disconnect from her feelings of love and will usually just break up with him if she gets a sense that he just won’t change.
So, when a guy comes back after a break up and says something like, “Please give me another chance! Let’s just try and work things out. Why don’t we just start dating again and see where things go? I’m okay with taking it slow if you want” it usually doesn’t work.
Most women will think something like, “Huh? Why would I want to date you again? Based on your recent actions, I don’t believe anything about you has truly changed. So, I think I’d prefer to remain broken up rather than get back into the same rut that we were in before.”
She knows that he will be on his best behavior if she says yes to dating him and will likely buy her gifts, take her out to fancy dinners and try to romance her.
Yet, all of that is not him. It’s just stuff and things outside of him.
A woman needs to be in a relationship with you, not the things you give her.
She has to be able to feel sexually attracted to you, not what you do for her out of the kindness of your heart.
So, what should you do instead?
Start making her feel attracted to the new you…
A woman will usually say no to dating her ex again, unless he makes a sudden, dramatic change in how he communicates and interacts with her and re-sparks her feelings of respect and attraction for him.
Without re-sparking her feelings first, she’s just going to keep behaving coldly towards him and saying, “No. I’m not interested in dating you again.”
Yet, when he makes some adjustment and improvements to his behavior and the way he interacts with her (e.g. he’s more confident and emotionally mature vs. being insecure and needy, he’s more relaxed and can handle her distant attitude vs. getting upset, being emotionally sensitive and taking things too seriously) she will naturally begin to change her opinion about him.
She may start thinking, “He is definitely behaving differently now, compared to how he behaved before we broke up. He’s being so much more mature and emotionally strong now. I could possibly say yes to dating him again if he behaved like this from now on.”
When she starts to think like that, she drops her guard and becomes open to meeting up or catching up with you to see what happens.
On the other hand, if a guy tries to get his ex back without first re-sparking her feelings for him (i.e. by showing her that he’s now a different man to the one she broke up with) and instead continues to interact with her in ways that turn her off, then she’s just going to say things like, “No…I’m just not interested. Please leave me alone.”
So, if you want to turn your ex’s no into a yes, make sure that you re-spark her feelings of respect and attraction for you first.
Another reason why your ex might say no to dating her ex is that…
3. The Relationship Problems Haven’t Been Fixed and She Doesn’t Believe He Can Fix Them
In most cases, a relationship doesn’t just break up at the first sign of trouble.
When a woman is feeling unhappy in her relationship with a guy, she will usually try different ways to let him know about it (e.g. becoming distant, throwing tantrums, nagging, complaining), in the hopes that he will then take action and fix the problems.
For example: If a woman feels that her guy is whining about his life like a victim (e.g. He might say something like, “My boss is always making me work late and he never appreciates what I do!” or “I’ll never be able to get a good job because I didn’t go to university”) she might then start pushing him to make some changes and saying things like, “Well, why don’t you stand up for yourself with your boss? Why do you let him push you around like that?” or “If you want a better job, why don’t you do something about it?”
When that happens, some guys will think, “Yeah, she has a point there,” and then immediately begin to take action and fix his problems.
The woman then notices that he is taking action to become a better man and her love for him grows even deeper.
That’s how a relationship gets stronger over time. The couple is always making progress and it never gets stale.
Yet, in most cases, rather than listen to what as she is trying to tell him, the guy will continue whining even more and he might say something like, “Look…you don’t understand. If I stand up to my boss he will fire me,” or “I just don’t have the money to go to university. Can’t you see that? I can’t do anything about my situation” and he continues behaving in the same old ways until his woman loses all respect and attraction for him and breaks up with him.
He might then start pleading with her and saying, “Please give me another chance. I promise you things will be different now,” but by that stage the woman doesn’t believe that he can change.
It’s also likely that he doesn’t even know what she really wants him to change and he’s hoping that she will tell him.
It would be nice if women did that for men, but that’s not the role that women want to take on in the life of men.
When in a relationship, a woman does not want to have to take on the role of teacher for her guy and explain to him how to be the real man that she (and every other women) wants and needs.
She wants him to figure things out by himself and then take action like a real man by making the necessary changes to his thinking and behavior.
When he does, she can then look up to him and respect him as her man again.
If he then asks her to get back together again, she will be open to the idea because she can see that he’s at a different level now.
However, if she gets a sense that he hasn’t changed, doesn’t even know how to change and is still the same guy that she broke up with, she’s just going to be saying, “No, I don’t want to do that.”
So, the first step to getting your ex’s respect and attraction back is to fully understand the real reasons why she broke up with you.
In that way, the next time you interact with her (e.g. on a phone call, or in person) you will be able to show her by the way you talk to her (not by telling her) and interact with her, that you truly understand where you went wrong in the relationship and are no longer the same guy that she broke up with.
When she can see for herself that you’re no longer avoiding making changes to yourself and are now a completely different man from the one she remembers, she won’t be able to hold on to her negative opinion about you for long.
She might initially feel skeptical and may say to herself, “I wonder if he’s really changed or if he’s just putting on a act to try and get me back? Is it possible that he is different now?”
Yet, when she interacts with you and sees that no matter what she says or does, you no longer behave, talk or react in the ways she expects you to.
- She expects you to whine and complain like you used to, but you’re now positive, focused and driven in life.
- She expects you to be nervous and insecure around her, but you’re confident, relaxed and emotionally strong now.
- She expects you to give up and walk away with your tail between your legs when she’s being cold and distant towards you, but you laugh at her attempts to push you away now.
All of that makes her drop her guard and feel more open and even happy to be interacting with you again.
She starts to feel that you’ve actually made the effort to see things from her point of view and she begins to feel respect and attraction for you again.
On the other hand, if you try to get her back without fixing the relationship problems first, then she will usually just continue saying no to dating you again.
Don’t Try to Get Her to Commit to Getting Back Together Before You Re-Spark Her Feelings For You
It’s perfectly fine for a guy to want his ex woman back after a break up.
In fact, I had to make a video on that very topic (see above) because many people say things like, “Ah, who cares about an ex? Just forget about her and find another woman.”
Obviously those people haven’t ever lost someone they really loved and known that they could do so much better in the relationship if they just got another chance.
So, just know that it’s totally fine for a man to want his woman back.
Yet, here’s the thing…
Just because he is thinking, “Okay, I get it now. I stuffed up, I have learned my lesson and I’m ready to be a better man for her. I want to give the relationship another shot by starting off just dating again like we did in the beginning,” it doesn’t necessarily mean that a woman feels the same way.
Trying to get your ex to commit to dating or starting again from the beginning, just because you want her to, is usually the fastest way to scare her off.
It’s just too much too soon for some women, especially when the guy hasn’t really done anything to recreate the spark of sexual attraction between him and her.
He is attracted to her, but she’s just not feeling it yet.
So, if he starts saying things like, “I think we should go out again. We can start at the beginning and work things out. It will be like the first time. We can go on a date and see how we feel,” she starts to feel that he’s coming on too strong.
She feels nervous about saying “Yes” because she’s afraid that by agreeing to a date, she would be committing to more than just catching up and seeing how she feels.
According to Wikipedia, dating is defined as: “A stage of romantic and/or sexual relationships in humans whereby two or more people meet socially, possibly as friends or with the aim of each assessing the other’s suitability as a partner in a more committed intimate relationship or marriage.”
A woman doesn’t want to feel like she’s being forced back into a relationship with her ex again, especially when he hasn’t made her feel sexually attracted to him first.
So, if you are serious about getting your ex back, don’t try to get her to commit to anything right away.
Instead, focus on interacting with her over the phone and mostly in person and making her feel surges of respect and sexual attraction for you based on how you talk to her and interact with her.
What to Do: Call Her, Get Her Laughing and Feeling Good and Then Suggest a Catch Up, Not a Date
Before you even get to the discussion having a relationship again, you have to first make her feel attracted by calling her (or talking to her in person), getting her laughing and and then suggesting a time to catch up.
When you catch up with her, you need to focus on rebuilding her feelings of respect and attraction for you.
Don’t try to talk her into having a relationship with you until you have had sex again. After sex, she will naturally be more open to having a relationship with you again.
So, don’t ask her to date you or think about having a relationship again.
You first need to focus on making her feel attracted and feel good around you and a great way to do that is with humor.
When you make a woman laugh and smile, she can’t continue to feel nervous or defensive around you for very long.
Even if she tries to act cold or distant towards you initially, eventually she will find herself feeling good and her walls will start to come down.
So, if you want to get your ex back, the best approach is to avoid getting too serious about a relationship too soon and instead focus on making her feel attracted and happy every time she interacts with you.
For example: If a guy calls his ex after a break up and almost immediately says something like, “Hey Tania, how are you? I was wondering… how about we go out on a date sometime?” there’s a very high chance she will say no.
He didn’t do anything to bring down her guard and make her feel good around him. Instead, he just went right after what he wants; a date.
Yet, he is forgetting that she needs to be able to feel attracted to him as well. A relationship can’t be one sided.
So, if a guy approaches his ex in that way, the woman will think something like, “No way – we just broke up! I don’t want to go on a date with you. You’re expecting way too much from me here. I still don’t know if I’ve forgiven you for what happened between us,” and she will likely reply with something along the lines of, “No, I don’t think so. It’s over between us.”
Alternatively, she may give him false hope by saying, “Maybe sometime in the future, but not now.”
That’s not the reaction you want to get from your ex, which is why you have to make her laugh and smile and then suggest catching up for a coffee, not a date.
Here’s how you can do it…
Imagine that you’re talking on the phone with your ex right now and she’s being a bit cold and distant towards you and maybe even trying to get off the phone.
She might then say something like, “Look, I’m really busy. What do you want to talk to me about?”
You can then say something along the lines of, “I really need your help.”
Most women are nice, so she will instinctively drop her guard a little bit because you are asking for her help and she may say, “With what? What’s wrong?”
You can then reply in a joking way, “I’ve just come from the doctor’s office. Apparently he says I’m severely dehydrated and the only thing that will prevent me from dropping dead is having a cup of coffee from that little coffee shop we used to go to…remember? So, I really need you to help me out and meet me there for a coffee… it’s a matter of life and death!”
She will probably then realize that you were joking with her all along and she will likely laugh about getting caught out with your joke.
She may then begin to feel curious about your ability to joke with her in a light-hearted way, even when she’s being so cold towards you and will naturally feel some respect and attraction for you for having the courage to tease her in that way.
When that happens, she opens herself up to the idea of meeting up with you again, because she doesn’t feel threatened.
You can then go ahead and say something like, “I was only joking, but how about we get that cup of coffee anyway? It will be fun to see each other again and catch up as friends.”
That eases her mind even more and she will likely be more open to saying, “Yes, why not?” rather than feeling threatened and saying, “No.”
When you see her in person, just focus on building on her newfound feelings of respect and attraction and then gently show her that getting back together again will actually be an exciting new adventure for both of you.