5 reasons why a woman will have her emotional walls up with an ex:

1. She can see that he doesn’t understand what she truly wants

After a break up, some guys try to get an ex woman back by promising to fix things that don’t even matter to her.

For example: A woman might feel too emotionally dominant over her man (i.e. she can push him around, get her way with him even when she’s being a brat, dominate him during a conversation, make him feel uncomfortable with her very confident personality).

As a result, she can’t look up to him and respect him because he is emotionally weaker than her.

Then, when she breaks up with her boyfriend, he might start saying things like, “I will do whatever you tell me to do to make you happy” or, “I’m sorry, it’s all my fault. I should have treated you better. I promise to make you happy from now on. Just tell me what I need to do and I’ll do it.”

He hopes that he is somehow saying and doing what she wants to hear to convince her to give him another chance.

So, when she doesn’t open back up to him and instead puts up an emotional wall that he can’t break through anymore, he feels confused and lost.

He might then ask himself, “Why is she being so unresponsive? What am I doing wrong? What will it take to break down her emotional walls? I love her so much. Doesn’t that mean anything to her? How could she go cold on me like this? She used to really love me? Why isn’t she opening up?”

The answer is simple…

A woman will remain closed off to her ex if she gets the sense that he doesn’t understand what she truly wants.

She will get that sense if he is trying to get her back by offering things that she doesn’t even care about (e.g. to treat her better, when she really wants him to be more ballsy and make her feel like she needs to treat him better).

Another possible reason why a woman will have her emotional walls up with an ex, is…

2. He’s trying hard to understand her, when what she really wants is for him to attract her

Sometimes a guy will spend days, weeks or even months trying to understand what his ex woman is thinking, so he can then crack the code and get her back.

As a result, he over-analyzes everything she says or texts him, to hopefully find a clue about why she’s staying closed off to him.

Yet, what he doesn’t realize is that women are like an endless puzzle that cannot be solved by trying to put all the existing pieces together.

When you put all the pieces together, a woman changes the puzzle and you’re back to where you started.

So, the secret is not to try to put a woman into a fixed arrangement of behavior and thinking.

You have to let her be free to be an ever-changing woman, without trying to understand her.

When a man allows a woman to be like that, she will feel instinctively drawn to him and won’t want to leave, because he is one of the rare men in this world who can allow a woman to think, feel and behave like a real woman (e.g. unpredictably, emotionally, without having to make sense, illogically, irrationally).

Women can be sensible, rational and logical of course.

However, when it comes to a romantic, sexual relationship, a woman wants to be free to be feminine.

Being feminine is different to being masculine.

Generally speaking, being feminine is about going with how she feels, changing her opinion in the moment, being unpredictable in how she behaves and so on.

On the other hand, generally speaking, being masculine is about going with what makes sense, having an opinion based on facts and being more stable in terms of behavior and feelings.

So, if a guy tries to make a woman fit into a nice, predictable pattern of thinking and behavior, she will continue to change (e.g. one day she gets annoyed with him for calling her and the next day she is happy to hear from him), leaving him feeling confused and not knowing what to say or do to please her.

This is why, if you want to break down your ex’s emotional walls, you need to forget about trying to understand her and focus instead on making her feel drawn to you.

Women tend to go with how they feel, so don’t try to get her to understand your logical reasons why you and her should be together.

Make her feel attracted and drawn to you and she will flow with that.

So, when you interact with her, on the phone and especially in person and make her feel sparks of respect and sexual attraction for you (e.g. by being more of a challenge, using humor to ease the tension she’s feeling, maintaining your confidence with her even when she’s being stand-offish and distant) her emotional walls will naturally come down because she feels drawn to you and wants to open up to you in the moment.

Another possible reason why a woman will have her emotional walls up with an ex, is…

3. He has been trying to get her to commit to a relationship right away, even though she’s not attracted yet

If a woman’s ex guy keeps talking about the relationship and how he wants to fix things so they can get back together, it’s understandable that she might put up some defensive walls.

The fact is, unless a woman is still in love with her ex, feels that the break up was a big mistake and wants to get back together again right away, she won’t feel comfortable being pushed back into a relationship.

When her ex is pushing for a relationship, she will be thinking things like, “I just want to take things slow for now and see where it leads to. Maybe we can get back together again and maybe we can’t. I don’t know yet. I kind of feel drawn to him, but I don’t know. I don’t want to jump back into a relationship with him just because he’s pushing me, only to discover that nothing about him has changed and improved. If I do that, I’ll then have to go through the trauma of breaking up with him all over again.”

As a result, she will remain guarded and put up a wall that her ex can’t seem to get through.

So, if you want to get her back, don’t put any pressure on her to commit to the idea of a relationship.

Instead, just focus on making her feel sparks of sexual and romantic attraction for you whenever you interact with her on the phone or in person.

Let her truly experience the new and improved you, so she wants you back for her own reasons (e.g. she’s attracted to you again and worried that if she doesn’t give you another chance, you might move on with a new woman), rather than trying to pressure her into making a decision and pushing her further into her shell.

Another possible reason why a woman will have her emotional walls up with an ex, is…

4. He’s stuck in the friend zone with her now

A guy will sometimes remain friends with an ex as a way of getting her back, which can work if he approaches it correctly.

Unfortunately, many guys don’t know how to use a friendship with their ex woman to get her back, so they end up being friend zoned while she moves on and starts sleeping with new men.

This happens because the guy is simply being friendly towards her, rather than using the so-called friendship as an opportunity to make her feel sexually attracted and turned on.

For example: A guy might think, “If I stick around long enough and be her nice, reliable friend who is always there for her, she will realize that no-one else is as devoted to her as I am. She will then see that she made a mistake by breaking up with me and we can get back together.”

Yet, what he doesn’t realize is that rather than convince a woman to give him another chance, his approach causes her to remain closed off.


There’s no sexual attraction and respect to make her feel motivated to want to open up to him emotionally.

She doesn’t see the point of opening herself back up to a man that she can’t see a romantic, sexual future with.

She’s not looking for a friendship.

She’s looking for a sexually attracted, romantic relationship that causes her to fall more and more in love over time.

So, if you want to break down your ex’s emotional walls, you need to use the so-called friendship that you now have with her to re-attract her sexually and romantically.

This means you needs to change your approach from being her nice, neutral friend to using interactions to turn her on sexually, so she actually has a reason to get back into a relationship with you.

Another possible reason why a woman will have her emotional walls up with an ex, is…

5. He’s giving her logical reasons why they should get back together again, rather than making her feel it

A guy might sometimes try to convince his ex to get back together again by giving her many logical reasons why the relationship can be saved, or why they are meant to be together.

He might say things like, “Can’t you see that what we had together was one of a kind? We have such a special connection. I’ve never felt that way with any other woman and I know that you never felt that way with another guy. You used to always tell me how much you loved me. How can you now forget that? Sure we had some problems, but don’t all couples disagree sometimes? Having a few arguments or problems doesn’t mean we should just throw everything away. In fact, if we don’t quit now that the going is rough, our relationship will be even better than it was before. We’ll prove to everyone that what you and I have is indestructible. We’ll be one of those couples who have made it through a rough patch and have fallen more in love as a result. That can be us. So, just give me a chance. I love you more than anything. Just give me one more chance to make it right.”

Alternatively, he might use excuses like, “We need to be role models for our friends and family. They all thought we were perfect together and if we give up now, we would be proving to them that relationships are hard to keep together these days. That would be so sad to disillusion everyone just because we’re going though a small bump in our relationship. We owe it to them to at least try and work things out. People look up to you and me. We’ve got to show them that we can do it.”

Essentially, he’s hoping that if his argument is good enough, she will change her mind about breaking up.

Yet, regardless of whether his argument is valid or not, trying to convince a woman to stay in a relationship that she doesn’t want only makes her put up more walls to protect herself.

Here’s the thing…

A modern woman doesn’t want to stay in a relationship with a guy out of a sense of duty, or because she feels guilty about leaving him behind.

She wants to be with him because he makes her feel good right now and from now on.

So, if you want to break down your ex’s emotional walls and make her want to get back together again, you need to stop trying to convince her to give you another chance based on logical reasons.

Make her feel attracted and in love with you again as you talk to her and she will then want to give you another chance based on how she feels now.

3 Common Problems That Guys Encounter When Trying to Break Down an Ex’s Emotional Walls

After a break up, a woman usually won’t make it easy for her ex to get her back right away (e.g. because she doesn’t want to seem too easy, she wants to see if you’re emotionally strong enough to break down her walls).

So, at the moment, you might be facing one or more of the following problems…

1. She isn’t listening to your point of view

From your point of view, there are many good reasons why you and her should get back together.

Your point of view is based on your intense feelings of love and attraction for her.

Yet, her point of view is based on her feeling turned off and repelled by you at the moment.

This is why you shouldn’t be aiming to get her to understand your point of view because she just won’t see it your way based on she’s feeling at the moment.

If you keep trying to get her to bring her emotional walls down and open up to you, she will keep pushing you away.

Then, to avoid getting back with you, she will force herself to begin moving on by flirting with and potentially hooking up with a new guy.

So, focus on making her feel a renewed sense of respect and attraction for you, rather than trying to get her to understand your point of view.

Your point of view is based on your feelings for her and need for her.

If you want her point of view to change, then change how she feels by changing your approach to her.

Another problem you might be experiencing with her is…

2. She treats you like just a friend now, or worse, like a stranger

This usually happens when a guy makes the mistake of being on his best behavior around his ex.

For example:

  • He talks to her in a nice, polite way.
  • He pretends that he’s not sexually interested in her anymore, so he doesn’t flirt with her to create sexual tension.
  • He’s too serious around her, rather than using ballsy humor to make her laugh, relax, open up and feel attracted to him again.

Without feelings of respect and sexual attraction, a woman doesn’t feel motivated to bring her emotional walls down and get back with a guy.

So, make sure that you don’t make the mistake of being extra nice, polite and sweet to hopefully make her see that you only want to be her friend.

You don’t just want to be her friend.

You want a sexual, romantic relationship with her and the path to get to that is via sexual attraction.

Another problem you might be experiencing with her is…

3. She doesn’t care that you have changed

A guy will sometimes try get another chance based on telling his ex woman that he has changed.

For example: If his girlfriend broke up with him because he was too needy and insecure in the relationship, he might say something like, “Look, I really have changed. I’m a different man now. I promise, I don’t feel needy anymore. All of that has gone. I’m so much more confident now. If you give me another chance, I will prove it to you.”

Sometimes that can work, especially if a woman can sense that her ex has changed and she is already feeling attracted to him because of it.

Yet, if a woman can sense that her ex has only slightly changed, or hasn’t changed and is hoping to trick her into giving him another chance, she will close up and reject him.

Additionally, in many cases, a woman won’t want to hear about how her ex has changed.


To some women, saying, “I’ve changed. Please give me another chance” annoys them because you’re essentially looking at her as being in the power position.

Women don’t like it when guys feel desperate for them and try hard to get a chance.

What women find attractive is when a man believes in himself and doesn’t need a woman to tell him that he is good enough.

He knows that he is good enough and just gets on with interacting with her, attracting her, turning her on and moving to a hug, kiss and then sex.

Remember: Women like to go with how they feel, so if you make her feel attracted and turned on, she will drop her guard and open up to you.

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