8 reasons why people break up to work on themselves are:
1. Deep down, the woman knows something is missing, but can’t put her finger on it
For example: Some of the things that can make a woman feel unhappy in her relationship with a man, without her being able to explain it are…
- A lack of attraction. She might care for the guy and genuinely feel that he’s a good guy, she just doesn’t feel any excitement when she’s with him. There are no butterflies in her stomach when she’s around him or when he touches her. Instead, they feel more like friends or roommates.
- She can’t look up to him (e.g. because he’s a bit of a slacker and isn’t really making any progress in his life, he’s too much of a people pleaser and never stands up for himself and what he wants).
- She doesn’t feel safe with him due to his lack of confidence or manliness. When she thinks about her future with him, doesn’t believe she can fully rely on him to be a man and remain strong regardless of what life throws at him (e.g. he loses his job or all his investments, is faced with an illness or a death in the family, the responsibilities of maintaining a happy family and raising children).
- He is too giving. Although it’s something she does appreciate, it makes her feel uncomfortable or guilty when she wants to be a bit selfish and do things for herself, which she doesn’t like. She wants to be with a man who definitely takes care of her and is loving and giving, but also takes care of himself and his own needs. He also motivates her to be good to him, rather than always be taking and taking.
- She needs a guy with a bit more edge. He’s too soft, too predictable or too nice. She wants a guy who has a bit more assertiveness and courage to truly be himself.
So, rather than just accept this feeling of unease she takes a break to work on herself.
Yet, in reality, it’s just a way for her to get out of the relationship and find a guy who makes her feel the way she really wants to feel when she’s with him.
2. The woman says it as a way to break up with him softly
Although some women have no problem dumping a guy without giving it a second thought, a lot of women find it difficult to be that direct.
Some common reasons why include:
- She’s a nice person and she doesn’t want to hurt her boyfriend’s feelings, so she tries to pull away from him and the relationship gently, rather than dumping him all in one go.
- She hopes the time apart will allow for him to get over her and she can drift out of his life without having to experience potentially negative consequences right away (e.g. him crying, pleading, begging, becoming angry, forcing her to have long, deep and meaningful conversations about the relationship and her reasons why).
- She doesn’t like the idea of him hating her, so she tries to get out of the relationship in a way that will allow him to continue thinking of her in a positive way.
- She can’t handle confrontations, so she’s giving him a reason that he can’t argue with (i.e. that she needs to work on herself). If he does argue, she then has an excuse to break up with him (i.e. he’s being selfish and doesn’t care about what she wants only what he wants).
In most cases, a guy will accept her decision and even give her some space to figure things out in her life in the hope that when she’s done she’ll come back to him.
She on the other hand, usually uses the time to move on and find a replacement man as quickly as possible.
3. The man or woman do it to fix their issues and then be a better person in the relationship
For example: A guy might have childhood issues that he’s carrying around and allowing them to get in the way of his relationship.
A childhood issue may be that his parents got divorced when he was really young and hated each other, so he grew up believing that all relationships are doomed to fail.
As a result, he remains distant in his relationships with women and can’t open up and commit, even when he knows the woman is ‘the one.’
He might then take some time away from the relationship to work on himself and realize that if he doesn’t get his ex back and become a more loving man, while still maintaining the cool, confident side to himself, he will regret it for the rest of his life.
He may then have to watch her move on and start a relationship and eventually a family with another man, while the pain of losing her eats away at him.
This realization is the shock he needs to become a better man, re-attract his ex and enjoy a happier, more loving and intimate relationship with her than before.
Another example is when a woman has trust issues because one or more of her ex guys cheated on her, or often lied to her.
As a result, she ends up being jealous, suspicious and controlling in her relationship, which leads to a lot of arguments, fights, misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
When she realizes this, she decides to break up to work on herself and fix her trust issues.
She becomes a better person, so when she interacts with her ex again and he re-sparks her feelings, the relationship gets back together again.
Only this time, it’s so much better than before because she’s a better person due to the breakup.
4. The man or woman already has someone new lined up
As a result, they want to be free to move on with the new person, without having to make up excuses over why they don’t want to work things out and give the relationship another chance.
So, by telling their boyfriend or girlfriend that they need to work on themselves, it gives them a good excuse to break up without hurting their feelings more than necessary.
Additionally, they can also ask the other person for space (i.e. not to be contacted for a couple of weeks or even months) and get it.
They can then quickly move on with their new woman/man.
Then, by the time their ex contacts them again, they can say, “Sorry, but I’ve met someone else. It was never my intention to hurt you, but this just happened. I’m a different person now. I’ve changed and I don’t think we would have been compatible if we got back together. I wish you all the best and I hope you find someone who deserves a great woman/man like you.”
5. The man or woman wants to start dating and experience new people to figure out what they want
Some reasons why a woman or man might feel that way are:
- They got together with their boyfriend/girlfriend when they were really young (e.g. they meet in school or immediately after) and feel as though they missed out on dating different people.
- This was their first serious relationship and aren’t sure they want to settle down yet before they’ve had a chance to see if there’s someone better out there for them.
- There’s a big age difference between them (e.g. he’s a lot older and more experienced than her) and they want to try being with someone closer to their own age.
- The relationship started off feeling fun and exciting, but the romantic and sexual spark has gradually fizzled out and now being together feels dull, boring and predictable.
Essentially, the person wants to go out and get a bit more relationship experience before finally settling down with one person for life.
Although this can result in that person meeting someone else and falling in love with them, there’s also a chance that they will realize their boyfriend/girlfriend was perfect for them and the breakup was a mistake.
In cases like that, a couple will get back together again and enjoy a long and happy relationship together without any regrets or doubts (i.e. wonder if they’re missing out).
6. The relationship feels like too much effort, so the person wants to be alone for a while
For example: That might happen when one person…
- Is very insecure and needs to be reassured all the time by the other person that they are loved and wanted. If they don’t get that reassurance they become insecure, jealous, controlling and clingy, which leads to arguments, fights and hurt feelings.
- Texts too much every day and causing the other person not to have much time for anything else.
- Feels like they are always the one trying to improve the relationship and fix any issues they have, while the other person pretends as though nothing is wrong or he refuses to acknowledge that there are problems they need to work on.
- Keeps making promises to change (e.g. stop being so jealous and controlling, stop nagging all the time, stop being so closed off and distant), but they never stick to it.
- Makes the other person feel like nothing they do is ever good enough.
- Feels as though they have to put in a lot of effort into the relationship to make it feel like a normal relationship, because they aren’t really in love with each other and are just sticking together out of habit or fear of starting over again with someone new.
So, rather than continue to deal with the stress of being in a relationship like that, a person might decide to break up instead and just spend some time alone.
They can then focus on their career, friends, family, health, fitness and life goals for a while, rather than spending all their time texting, hanging out, or putting up with the other person’s moods and issues.
7. The person feels like they are losing their mind, so they want to be alone for a while
For example: Sometimes a guy fears he will lash out at his girlfriend if he stays in the relationship with her.
They just seem to have too many arguments and disagreements and he’s getting to the point where he’s losing control of his emotions, which he doesn’t want.
So, rather than say or do something he will regret, he prefers to just break up and work on finding a way to deal with things in a more effective, mutually beneficial way.
Another example is if the woman fears she will be too moody, unreasonable and difficult, which could lead to a permanent breakup down the line.
She might then choose to break up for a while to work on herself and learn to be a more loving, affectionate, patient woman to her man.
In cases like that, a breakup can be a good thing and result in the relationship becoming even better than it was before.
8. It’s used as a way to keep the door open if you want them back
Some reasons why might be:
- They’re not sure if they can find a high quality replacement man/woman, so they keep their ex as a backup, rather than risk ending up alone.
- They want the freedom of dating other people with the security of knowing that if things don’t work out, they can always go back to their ex.
- They don’t want their ex to move on first and end up being left behind.
- They want to see how they feel without their ex (e.g. will they miss them? Will they enjoy doing things without them? Will they forget all about them as they move on and start having fun with other people?)
- They want to make sure that they’re not making a mistake by permanently breaking up and regret it later on when they realize the other person was ‘the one.’
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