For a man to get a woman back, he needs to get to a place where he wants her back, but doesn’t need her back to make himself feel emotionally secure and stable again.
It’s totally fine for him to still care about her and want her to be part of his life again, but he has to know that he sincerely doesn’t need to get her back to feel good about himself and his life.
If he is just acting like he doesn’t need her, she will pick up on it if she interacts with him and it will make her keep her guard up around him.
Rather than make her think, “That’s so sweet. My ex must really love me if he can’t get on with his life without me. I think I should give him another chance! After all, he needs me! I just have to do it. It’s the right thing to do,” she will probably be thinking, “If my ex is falling apart because we broke up, chances are high that he won’t be able to cope with other big challenges in his life, like maintaining a happy family, raising children, or paying off a mortgage. Knowing that he can’t cope very well under pressure doesn’t exactly make me want to run back to him. I now don’t feel like I can fully relax with him and know that he’s emotionally strong enough to take care of me and our family if we have one. In fact, if we ever got back together again, he would probably turn into the kind of guy who needs to rely on me to take care of him and guide him through life and a relationship. That’s not what I want. I want a man I can respect, look up to and feel safe with. A guy who can not only cope on his own, but thrives on his own.”
When she thinks those kind of thoughts, her guard remains up and she won’t open back up to her ex, no matter how nice he is to her, how much he ignores her to pretend that he’s over her or how often he texts her to stay in touch.
She won’t tell him, but somewhere inside of her she will know that he just isn’t ready to handle a woman like her and needs to figure out how to be the kind of man she needs.
So, if you want to show your ex that you care and want her back without seeming needy or desperate, just make sure that you first begin to focus on finding joy and emotional fulfillment in your life without her.
I know that it might be difficult to think of doing anything without her or doing anything else other than trying to get her back, but if you are feeling needy, it’s going to turn her off.
When you find yourself thinking things like, “I really miss my ex. I just don’t know what to do now that she’s not here anymore. I need her back. Life isn’t enjoyable without her. I don’t want to do anything until I get her back,” turn your energy towards other things that you may have neglected in your life as a result of your relationship with her.
- What are your big goals or dreams for the future? If you’re not sure, right now is your chance to found out. Ask yourself, “What do I wish I was doing with my life?” and then begin to pursue that, even if you only take one step towards it. Just start making progress in that direction and you will begin to feel less needy for her.
- What have you been putting off doing because of your relationship? Maybe you always wanted to take up a hobby (e.g. hiking, sailing, photography, martial arts, group exercise classes) but you never got around to it. Well now you can and if you do, it will make you feel less needy for your ex.
- Is there somewhere you’ve always wanted to go? Is there a city or country that has always fascinated you? You can now take that trip you’ve always thought about, but never felt was possible. If you can, go with some friends or attend expat meet ups (i.e. meet ups for people from your country who are living in that country) or stay at a hostel so you instantly meet lots of new people and have fun with them partying around the city.
- Is there something you’ve been longing for? Maybe you’ve secretly wanted to go after a promotion at work, but you were too afraid it would take time away from your relationship. Now you can go for it by putting in extra time at work to land the better role.
When you start doing things that make you happy, you will discover that not only do you become an even greater man than you already are, you also become more attractive to your ex (and other women).
You then become the kind of man that women respect (e.g. confident, masculine, determined, ambitious) and feel attracted to, which makes you feel great about yourself.
Then, when you interact with your ex again, either on a phone call, or in person and she experiences the new, confident, happy you who is getting on with his life without her, she begins to see you differently.
She starts to think, “I really thought that my ex was going to fall apart when we broke up, but he’s being so emotionally strong and mature about it. He’s not the same guy I broke up with. In fact, he’s actually behaving in the ways that I always hoped he would. I really like this new version of him. I actually want to be around him now. He’s fun and interesting and I feel good when we interact. Maybe we can actually get back together again after all. Maybe we should just give it another shot. After all, he has proven himself to me and I feel so differently about him now, so why not?”
When the Need to Get Her Back Causes You to Make Mistakes
Sometimes, a guy will be so desperate to get his ex back, that he will rush head first into trying anything that he can think of to make her change her mind about him (e.g. begging, pleading, buying her gifts, being extra nice to her).
In most cases, these attempts fail and a woman may lose even more respect and attraction for a guy because he is coming across as so desperate and needy now that she has broken up with him.
So, if you want to get your ex back, try to avoid making the following mistakes…
1. Needing her back when she is fine without you
If your ex is doing fine without you, she will be even more turned off it she senses that you need her to feel good about yourself again.
It makes her feel like you need her to be like a mother figure in your life and take care of you, because you’re so lost and confused without her.
Women are fine to take on that role if it’s for their son, but not for their boyfriend or husband.
She wants a man who loves her and wants her back, but does not need her to feel good about himself and feel “sane” again.
Sometimes, a guy might spend his time after a break up worrying and thinking things, “I’m so lost without my ex. She was everything to me and now life just feels empty without her. I don’t feel like doing anything if she’s not in my life to share it.”
He may then go around for days, weeks and even months, moping and feeling like he cannot get on with his life without his ex.
Deep down, he might hope that if his ex finds out how much he needs her and that he’s lost without her, she will change her mind about him and want to get back together again.
Yet, that’s usually not the case.
When a woman doesn’t have feelings for a guy, she’s not really going to care about his emotional needs in their relationship.
Instead, she will usually avoid him and try to maintain her own happiness, rather than calling him up, making him feel better and telling him exactly what he needs to do to get her back.
Rather than being his savior, she will just think something like, “I know you’re feeling sad and lost without me, but I’m feeling fine. In fact, I’m moving on. Grow up and take responsibility for your life. Be a man. Stop relying on me like a boy relies on his mother. Be your own man.”
In most cases, she wishes he could hurry up and improve his ability to make her feel respect and attraction so she can give him another chance.
Yet, if he doesn’t do that, she simply has to move on rather than trying to help him become the man that she needs.
If a woman feels like he won’t be able to change and be the kind of man she wants him to be, then she will usually prefer to cut him out of her life completely so that she can get on with finding someone else.
So, if you’re serious about getting your ex back, you need to make her want you back as much as you want her.
How can you do that?
By interacting with her and making her feel respect and attraction for the new you.
When you renew her feelings of respect and attraction for you (e.g. by making her laugh, smile and feel good when she interacts with you, showing her that you’ve moved past the level you were at before), her perception of you changes.
She feels motivated to want to interact with you more, to see if you genuinely don’t need her and are now emotionally independent, or if you’re just putting on an act to get her back.
If she senses that the changes in you are real, she naturally feels respect and attraction for you and her guard comes down.
The next mistake to avoid is..
2. Trying to get her back without reactivating her feelings first to make her want you back
Guys who can’t cope without their woman will often waste time trying to get her back without realizing that they have to reactivate her feelings first.
A guy like that is generally only thinking about his own feelings and how lost and helpless he feels without her.
He’s not really thinking about how he needs to make her feel at all.
He doesn’t clearly understand or accept that getting a woman back is about making her feel a renewed sense of respect and attraction, rather than giving him another chance because he wants it so much.
So, instead of focusing on saying and doing the types of things that will reactivate her feelings of respect and attraction for him, he instead does what he thinks will make her want him back.
For example: A guy might…
- Beg and plead with her to give him another chance.
- Ask her to help him understand what he’s doing wrong so that he can change.
- Tell her how much he needs her in his life.
- Try to convince her by bringing up the past and saying things like, “Remember all the good times we shared together. It wasn’t all bad. We can get that back if we try, can’t we? After all we’ve been through, you can’t just give up on us like this. Please remember what we used to have. We can have that again. Just give me another chance. I will prove it to you that I’ve changed. You will see. I might not have changed yet or even know exactly what you want, but I will. I promise. Just give me another chance.”
- Being extra nice to her in the hopes that it will convince her to change her mind.
Yet, here’s the thing…
If a woman has lost respect and attraction for her ex, him behaving in desperate ways around her, isn’t going to make her change her mind.
In fact, she may even think, “My ex is losing it. He just can’t stop himself from reacting to everything in his life in a needy, desperate, overly emotional way. I hope he doesn’t think that his behavior is actually going to make me change my mind about him. I’m done taking care of him and being his emotional support system in life. I want a guy who makes me feel as though I don’t need to take care of him emotionally. That way, I can be the girl. I can be the emotional and vulnerable one and actually feel like a real woman for a change. I want a guy who is confident and emotionally strong, rather than being so emotionally sensitive and needy. I want someone that I can depend on and feel safe with, rather than a guy that needs me to take care of him.”
In most cases after a serious break up, a woman will only give her ex another chance when he can reactivate her feelings of respect and attraction first.
So, don’t waste your time trying to convince your ex to give you another chance by trying any of the desperate methods mentioned above, because you will only be wasting your time.
Instead, make her want you back by reactivating her feelings of respect, attraction and love for you first.
You can do that by making her smile, laugh and feel girly in your presence and by showing her (via the way you talk, think, behave and interact with her) that you’ve moved past the level you were at when she broke up with you.
When you reactivate her feelings for you again, she will be more open to the idea of getting back together with you again.
Yet, if she senses that getting back together with her is mostly about making yourself feel better, she will remain closed off to you.
3. Trying to get her to see how much you care in the hopes that she will then realize that you are the one
Sometimes, a guy might say to himself, “Nothing that I’ve tried has worked to get my ex back so far. Maybe if I’m extra nice to her and spoil her in different ways, like buying her the things that she really wants but cannot afford, helping her pay her university fees or rent or running errands for her, she will see how much I care for her and she will stop pushing me away and realize that I’m the one for her. Maybe I just need to be the most helpful ex boyfriend (or husband) possible. Maybe then she will realize that she does need me in her life.”
Yet, when a woman has broken up with a guy because of his neediness, she will perceive his actions as another desperate way of keeping her close to him.
She might think, “He’s just buying me all these nice things and treating me so well so that he can have an excuse to be around me all the time. He still can’t let go and feel good without me. He needs me to love him to feel good about himself. Sure, it’s nice to get spoiled, but I know what his real motives are…he needs me back. He can’t live without me. He must be losing sleep and worrying all the time. Why can’t he just let go and be happy without me? If he did that, I would at least be able to respect him and lower my guard around him. Yet, he can’t do that. He’s just so needy for me. I don’t want to be his reason for living anymore.”
So, rather than trying to get your ex to see how much you care by being fully available physically, emotionally and financially, focus instead on making her care about you by reactivating her feelings of respect and attraction for you first.
The more you reactivate her feelings of respect and attraction for you, the faster she will become convinced that you’re at a different emotional level now.
She will see that she loves you, respects you and wants you back in her life, even though you’re not doing anything special for her.
Then, when you get her back and do some special things for her, she will appreciate them so much more and feel lucky to have an awesome man like you.
Going From Needing Her Back, to Wanting Her Back, to Getting Her Back
If you want to get your ex back, you need to actively make her have strong feelings for you again and then guide her back into a relationship.
Don’t waste time making the same old mistakes with her (e.g. texting like a friend, apologizing over and over) and expecting that she will suddenly say, “Wow! You know what? I just realized that I want you back now that you’ve apologized for the 100th time and sent me yet another friendly text.”
You first need to show her via your actions and behavior that you’re not the same insecure, needy guy that she remembers.
You really have changed.
Then, if she tests you (e.g. by pretending to be interested in getting back together again and then pulling away) and you remain relaxed and even turn her behavior into something to laugh about, she will be shocked (in a good way) and she will be drawn to you an a way that feels nice.
She may then start to wonder, “What happened to my ex who was so needy and insecure? He didn’t react at all like I was expecting him to. He’s like a completely different man now. A man that I can actually respect and look up to.”
Her feelings or respect and attraction for you will then begin to awaken and she will start to look forward to hearing from you.
She might get back together with you right away, but if she doesn’t, don’t give up.
Just keep making her feel a renewed sense of respect and attraction for the new and improved you.
Every time you interact with her and she sees that you are still confident and emotionally strong and that you haven’t reverted back to the old you, it will melt another bit of her heart until she’s totally in love with you again.