It’s very easy to assume that a woman is a dismissive avoidant, but in most cases, the real reason a woman behaves like that is due to a lack of sexual and romantic attraction.
She might have been like that with you, but it doesn’t mean she would be the same way with another guy.
So, here are 4 reasons why your ex may seem to have a dismissive avoidant personality when she actually doesn’t:
1. She didn’t feel attracted to you in the kind of way that would make her want to be close with you
Sometimes a woman will get into a relationship with a guy that she isn’t fully attracted to, but hopes that she will be able to feel more attracted to and fall in love with over time.
She will justify her decision by thinking something like, “He’s a really nice guy and he treats me so well. I don’t feel butterflies around him, but maybe when we get to know each other better over time, the spark will grow. Besides, there has to be more to a good relationship than sexual attraction, right? I mean, I want a good guy and I’ve found one, so I need to try to be happy with what I’ve got. Hopefully I will feel more attracted to him over time and then, I will have secured myself a good guy that I’m very attracted to, so it will work out well in the end.”
Yet, as time goes by, she may notice that she’s not feeling more attracted to him and doesn’t really feel motivated to fully open up, commit and be his girl for life.
Well, with a girl like her, it’s almost always a guy who is more of a challenge (i.e. a guy who makes her feel the need to impress him and win more and more of his love over time in the relationship).
You didn’t offer that to her, right?
What you offered her was a relationship experience where YOU were trying to win more and more of her love over time.
She didn’t feel the need to win more of your love, because you took that role from her.
You played the part that she wants to play and that will make her open up, fully love and commit to a guy.
Another possible reason why your ex girlfriend may seem to have a dismissive avoidant personality when she actually doesn’t is…
2. You gave her too much power in the relationship, which she didn’t want
Some guys make the mistake of thinking that in order for a woman to be happy in a relationship, she needs to feel like the more powerful or valuable one who is essentially in charge of how the relationship unfolds.
A guy like that will pretty much always give in to his woman’s demands (even if she is being unreasonable and disrespecting him) and leave all the important decisions up to her.
He will justify his actions by thinking something like, “If I make decision that she doesn’t like, then she will get annoyed and feel unhappy with me. Yet, if she chooses what she wants all the time and I just go along with it, then she will have no reason to be unhappy or annoyed. That way, she will always be satisfied and won’t want to leave me.”
Additionally, women who tend to bring that side out of a man are usually women who complain and tell stories of how they were treated badly by ex boyfriends, or abused as a child or abandoned and so on.
Essentially, women like that will put on a ‘pity me’ act and if the guy falls for it and starts being softer, more gentle and more timid when it comes to her, she will lose respect for him for not being able to get her behave like a sensible, grown up woman.
At the end of the day, she doesn’t want a wimpy boyfriend who falls for her act of being a messed up girl who doesn’t know what she wants.
She knows what she wants.
She wants to look up to a man and respect him, feel attracted to him and be in love with him.
She wants him to be able to laugh at her (in a loving way), when she’s going on and on about her past and trying to use it to manipulate him into being a pussy around her.
The ONLY man that a woman like her will open up to and fully commit to is a man like that.
Not a pussy, not an emotionally sensitive guy who is always there for her and not a shoulder to cry on.
Instead, man who has the balls to laugh at her (in a loving way, of course) and get her to laugh at herself when she’s being a pain in the butt.
A man who gets her to grow up and start being a sensible woman (regardless of whether she is young or very mature in terms of age) who opens up to experiencing fearless, committed love.
That’s the man who will win her heart and keep her.
You can be that man, but you can’t use the same old approach you used with her that lead to you getting dumped.
You’ve got to understand her psychology and start giving her the attraction and relationship experience she really wants.
She doesn’t want to feel like she has a lot of power over you.
She doesn’t want you to be afraid of saying or doing things around her, because you’re worried about her getting annoyed, angry, becoming moody or throwing a tantrum.
She wants you to be fearless in the face of her ridiculousness.
She wants you to be able to do that, so she can laugh at herself and start to mature emotionally.
If you can’t do that, then you’re not the man for her.
If you can, then she will stick to you like a magnet and will want to continue the relationship, so she can finally grow into the fearless, loving woman she has always wanted to be.
3. You weren’t able to create enough of a masculine/feminine dynamic in the relationship to make her want to be loving, attentive and affectionate towards you
Regardless of what a woman does for a living, or what kind of personality she has (i.e. submissive vs. assertive), when it comes to her relationship with a man, she almost always wants to relax into thinking, talking and behaving like a feminine woman.
In other words, even if she’s the boss at work who calls all the shots, when she’s with her man, she wants him to be the more emotionally masculine one (i.e. be more courageous than her, more decisive, more emotionally strong, more emotionally stable and steady) so that she can let go and be a real woman around him (i.e. she can cuddle into his arm when watching a scary movie, act girly and giggly around him, be emotional and cry when she needs to).
Only a masculine man can bring that side out of a confident, independent modern woman.
If a man is soft in comparison to his woman’s strong personality, then she won’t feel like being girly around him, which will make her feel deeply unsatisfied, restless and even angry.
So, if you weren’t able to create a relationship dynamic where she felt girly in comparison to your masculine strength (i.e. your courageousness, your fearlessness about life, your emotional strength, your confidence) and instead, made her feel like you and her were equals in terms of emotional strength or worse, she was stronger than you, then it’s only natural that she would seem like she had a dismissive avoidant personality.
Yet, I assure you that if she meets a man who can bring out her girly side, she ain’t going to be a dismissive avoidant.
Instead, she will totally into him, will completely open up and be madly in love with him.
He will be ‘the one’ for her.
You can be that man, but you have to be willing to create a very clear difference between you and her, rather than making her feel like your equal in terms of emotional strength.
You have to embrace your masculinity (i.e. accept and embrace that you are the man and she is the girl), so she can feel completely different in her energy compared to you.
When you do that, she will automatically feel attracted to you on a deep level that will cause her to want to see you, spend time with you and explore her new feelings for you.
4. She doesn’t like guys who want to discuss their feelings all the time
If you watch politically correct TV talk shows, or read politically correct articles online, you will be told that women want to be in a relationship with a nice, sweet, dependable guy who listens to them and can open up and discuss his feelings like women do.
Unfortunately, that’s only ONE side of what I call, The Coin of Attraction.
On one side, you have all the nice stuff (i.e. sweetness, generosity, gentleness, kindness and so on) and on the other, you have the things that people are rarely willing to talk about (i.e. ballsy humor, challenging behavior, an undertone of aggression while still being a good man, assertiveness, laughing at a woman when she is being a pain the butt, roughly caressing a woman during sex sometimes, rather than always being soft and gentle and so on).
If you only offer a woman one side from The Coin of Attraction, then she’s just not going to feel deeply attracted and turned on by you.
She will see you as a nice guy and will most likely appreciate you, but that primal urge to take your clothes off and start riding you or sucking you, just won’t be there.
Unfortunately, a lot of guys don’t realize this and end up paying way too much attention to all the nice stuff people talk about on TV shows, in person, online and in movies.
That can lead to a guy being overly emotionally sensitive in a relationship with a woman, with him constantly talking about his feelings with her (e.g. about work, their relationship, his family, his problems) and being really nice, gentle, generous and sweet to her pretty much all the time.
In his mind, he believes he is being the ultimate boyfriend (or husband) because he thinks what he is doing is what women really want in a relationship.
Secretly though, he will feel pissed off at the lack of affection and respect he gets from his woman and may even complain to her about how she treats him by saying, “I’m such a good guy to you and this is how you treat me. It’s unfair. I deserve to be shown love. I deserve to be respected. Why are you treating me like this?”
Well, it’s not as if the woman is going to say, “Because you’re being a pussy. You’re just too nice. I need you to have more balls. Put me back in place sometimes. Don’t put up with my BS so much. Make me feel the need to impress you. Be more of a challenge.”
She’s not going to admit that because she doesn’t want him focusing on one side of The Coin of Attraction and going from being a total nice guy, to a total asshole, in the hope of impressing her.
She wants a guy who has the ability to maintain the right balance, where is being a good guy to her, but is still a challenge (i.e. she feels the need to impress him, look good for him, respect him, treat him well and win more and more of his love over time).
So, if you were the type of guy who was regularly discussing your feelings with her and coming across as being a little too sensitive, it would be one of the reasons why she seemed like a dismissive avoidant to you, even though she most likely isn’t one.
Here’s the thing…
There’s nothing wrong with feeling emotions as a man, but when you regularly want to discuss your feelings with a woman, she ends up looking at you as being more like a woman, which kills her attraction.
You’re not a woman, of course, but you feel like one to her if you are always going on and on about your feelings.
It’s just how it works.
Unfortunately, a lot of guys don’t understand how women feel attracted to men, so they make the mistake of talking about their feelings like a woman talks about her feelings.
This often happens in a long term relationship, where a guy essentially starts to copy his girlfriend’s behavior (i.e. he gets moody like her, he becomes emotionally sensitive and reactive like her and so on).
Yet, what you need to understand is that in order to make a woman feel the most attraction possible, you have to be the OPPOSITE of her in terms of your emotional energy.
In other words, you need to have the emotional energy of a MAN, so she can have the emotional energy of a WOMAN.
If she feels like you are pretty much like her, or one of her girlfriends, rather than an emotionally strong man that she can look up to and respect, then she just won’t be able to feel much or any attraction for you.
What you need to understand is that, even though many women act like they are strong these days and don’t need a man to take care of them, they still feel vulnerable in this world.
Instinctively, they still feel the need to be with a man who makes them feel protected, based on his emotional strength.
This is why women all over the world are attracted to men who are confident, emotionally strong and able to cope with whatever life throws at them.
Some women will temporarily accept an emotionally weak or sensitive guy, but they won’t want to stick with him in the long run and will get out of the relationship when they can (i.e. when she can afford to pay rent on her own, when she meets a new guy, when a girlfriend invites her to come and live with her for a while, when the kids are old enough to take care of themselves and so on).
If you want to get your ex back and you want to keep the relationship together for life, you simply must be willing to quickly grow into your masculinity.
Embrace being the man and let her sense that things really would be different if she got back with you.
Don’t tell her that.
Let her sense it based on how you now interact with her.
When you do that, you will see that she instantly stops being so avoidant and dismissive when it comes to you and instead, opens up to what she has now found in you.