5 things you can do now to fix the problem:
1. Understand that even though she was annoying you, physical abuse is never the solution
Sometimes, a man will try to justify his actions, by saying that a woman brought the anger out of him because she was hitting him or being annoying.
Yet, what the man usually doesn’t realize is that he has other options to handle annoying behavior from a woman.
For example: He can laugh at her and tease her as she tries to be tough and intimidate him.
He can smile, laugh and say, “Ohhh, you’re so tough” and have a laugh with her about that. Be loving about it as you laugh and say, “Let me see your muscles. Ooooh scary!”
If she is being physically aggressive or ridiculously unreasonable, he can also break up with her, get her to leave his house or leave the house to walk away from the situation until she cools down.
However, what he must not do, is react by becoming violent towards her every time she does something to annoy him or get under his skin.
Here’s the thing…
Although there is nothing wrong with a guy getting angry at his girlfriend if she is out of line or is treating him badly, losing control of himself and becoming violent is the quickest way to ruin her feelings of respect, attraction and love for him.
Rather than think, “It’s okay that he choked me. I’m partly to blame for what happened between us. I pushed him into reacting like that,” a woman will usually think, “A real man would never behave in that way towards a woman, no matter what she’s saying or doing to him. If he can’t control himself with me now, how will he react if he is faced with something even more serious in our relationship in future? What if I stepped out of line in a way that he doesn’t like, such as flirting with another guy? Would he then beat me, or worse, kill me, because he can’t control his anger? He’s just too emotionally immature right now and I can’t risk staying with him under these circumstances. I could get seriously hurt or even killed, so I have to leave him.”
The fact is, if you want to get your ex back, you need to get to the point where you fully understand that violence is not the answer.
You’re not a bad person for having choked her.
You made a silly mistake.
Everyone makes silly mistakes at some point in their life.
However, you’ve got to get to the point now where you honestly acknowledge that using physical violence against a woman isn’t the solution to your relationship problems.
There is always a better way to handle the situation and approach the relationship.
For example: Watch this video that I made about creating a more positive, easy-going and light-hearted dynamic in a relationship…
If you can honestly acknowledge that there are better ways to handle an annoying woman, then you’re already a better man right now.
You have learned from the experience, leveled up as a man and as a result, you deserve more respect.
In terms of interacting with your ex girlfriend from now on….
No matter what happens between you and her from this point onwards and no matter how much she pushes your buttons and tries to set you off, tell yourself now that you’re not going to react by getting physically aggressive with her.
When she can see for herself that regardless of how much she tries to trigger your anger, you remain cool, calm and collected and use humor and an easy-going attitude to turn the situation around, she won’t be able to stop herself from feeling some respect for you again.
You can then build on those feelings and get her back.
The next thing you should do is…
2. Calmly, sincerely and briefly apologize to her if you haven’t done so already
Naturally if you haven’t already apologized to your girlfriend for your behavior, make sure that you do so right away.
Here’s an example of what you might say to her…
“I just want to say that I’m truly sorry for the way I behaved. My behavior was inexcusable. I don’t expect you to forget about it or forgive me just because I’m apologizing to you. However, I want you to know that I am completely aware that I made a terrible mistake. I have obviously learned from the experience and would never do something like that again. Once again though, I don’t expect you to believe me or forgive. I just want to say that I am sorry for reacting in such a silly, unloving way by choking you. It’s actually pretty embarrassing to think that I behaved like that. I guess we all live and learn though. I’ve learned my lesson from it and know that it was a stupid, immature thing to do and I’m sorry.”
She can then stop focusing on how badly you stuffed up and begin to consider that you might have actually learned a lesson and changed.
As a result, her guard starts to come down a little and she becomes more open to talking to you over the phone and seeing you in person.
The next thing you need to do is…
3. Prepare yourself to be ready to react in different ways from now on
From now on, your ex is going to test you to see if you really have changed, or if you’re just saying that you have changed to quickly get her back.
For example: She might be cold and bitchy and say things like, “Forget about it! I’m never going to forgive you for choking me! You’re crazy, you’re out of control and I’m never going to be able to forget that,” or “You must think I’m stupid if you believe that I would ever forgive you and give you another chance after what you did to me. I hate you now and I never want to see you or talk to you again! Just go away and leave me alone. You scare me. Leave me alone!”
She might then become angry and aggressive towards you (e.g. swear at you, push you, hit you, call you names) as a way of testing whether you’ll get angry and retaliate by hitting her back or choking her once again.
She might also bring a friend with her when meeting up with you, to make you feel guilty for causing her to feel so afraid to be alone with you.
Yet, just remember…
Whatever she does to set you off (even when you might be justified in getting annoyed), you must find a way to react differently to her.
For example: If she’s being cold and bitchy towards you, you can use humor to break through her defenses and make her laugh and smile.
Alternatively, if she says that she will never be able to forgive you for what you did, you can calmly and confidently say, “Hey…I understand how you feel and I’m not going to push you to feel anything else. However, you and I are both mature adults and I’m sure, deep down, you know that you would only be hurting yourself by not forgiving me and holding a grudge against me for life. At some point, you’re going to realize that I made a stupid mistake and I learned from it and became a better man. You will remember that I was sorry about it and felt like a real idiot for doing it. Me being sorry and regretting the stupid thing that I did doesn’t take it away, but hey – we all live and learn. We all make silly mistakes at some point in our life and we can learn from that and become a better person. So, if you don’t want to forgive me now, I understand that and accept. Yet, I know that you will forgive me later on when you realize that I was just being stupid and immature and I then changed as a man and grew up as a result.”
If she hits you or becomes violent, you can just walk away and say something along the lines of, “Clearly you’re not ready to talk right now. I’ll call you in a couple of days when you’re feeling calmer and we might be able to talk then.”
The important thing to remember is that regardless of what she says or does to make you angry or annoyed, you show her that you’re not that kind of guy anymore.
By making some adjustments to the way you talk to her, interact with her and respond to her, she naturally begins to look at you in a more positive light.
As a result, she naturally becomes more open to being around you.
You can then build on her willingness to be around you by fully reawakening her feelings of respect, attraction and love for you.
When that happens, she will want to give you another chance to avoid losing the opportunity to be with you again.
However, make sure that you…
4. Only attempt to get her back if you know for sure that you aren’t going to react violently anymore
If you’re currently thinking, “Yeah, of course! I would never do that again” then great – you should get her back.
However, if you’re thinking, “Well, I don’t know…I tend to get pretty angry at her when she’s being a pain in the butt. I probably could hit her or choke her…I don’t know” then give yourself some more time to change, before you attempt to get her back.
You might want your girlfriend back right now before she moves on, but if you can’t stop yourself from reacting in a violent way when she pushes your buttons (e.g. says things to annoy you, becomes verbally or even physically abusive towards you), then maybe you need to accept that you’re just not ready to handle a woman like her.
The fact is, when a man and a woman are right for each other, they bring out the best in each other when in a relationship, not the worst.
For example: In a happy, healthy, long-lasting relationship, a man and a woman will:
- Make each other laugh and smile (even when things get tough), rather than taking everything too seriously.
- Want the best for the other person, rather than just trying to take love from the relationship (e.g. get compliments, support, affection) and give nothing or not much in return.
- Stand by each other when things get difficult, rather than getting annoyed at the other person for not being able to handle a particular situation.
- Help the other person improve and become a better person, rather than bringing that person down.
- Be willing to change and improve themselves, rather than thinking that they are perfect and everything wrong in the relationship is the other person’s fault.
So make sure that when you try to get your girlfriend back, you’re 100% ready to react in a new way around her.
Let her experience it for herself by interacting with her and presenting a new, improved and more mature version of yourself.
When you do that, she will naturally feel a renewed sense of respect and attraction for you.
Don’t try to push for a relationship at that point though.
Just let her experience it, want you back and naturally begin to head in that direction with you.
If you push for a relationship too soon, she will probably say something like, “I’m not sure…I need more time…I’m still scared…I just don’t know if I can trust you.”
So, make sure that you focus on re-attracting her in person and allowing the relationship to naturally come back together.
5. Contact her and attempt to get her to meet up to have a chat as friends
If you’re going to convince her that you really are a different man and would never react by choking her during an argument, you’re going to have to do it face-to-face.
So, pick up the phone, spark her feelings of respect for you on the call and get her to agree to meet up with you in person.
For example: Start off by using a bit of humor to make her smile and laugh and break the ice between you and her.
Then, once she’s feeling more relaxed and open you might say to her, “Hey, I accept that we’ve broken up, but let’s meet up for a quick coffee to say hi this week as friends. It’s not about us getting back together again of course. I obviously ruined my chances of that with my immature behavior recently. Instead, catching up to say hi is just about us trying to move forward as friends, rather than enemies. Afterward, if you decide you never want to talk to me again, I’ll respect your decision and never contact you again.”
Chances are high that she will agree to meeting up, even if it’s because she’s currently hoping that you will leave her alone after that.
Yet, when you re-attract her at the meet up, she will drop her guard and become open to seeing you again.
In many cases like yours, a guy will get his ex girlfriend back the first time he meets up with her.
However, just make sure that you are 100% prepare to re-attract her at the meet up.
Don’t try to attract her in the same old ways that caused her to feel turned off by you or bored by you in the relationship.
To ensure success, I recommend that you use a new, more interesting and appealing approach to attraction, so she has a reason to get back with you.
Watch the video above for some examples of how to level up and re-attract her.
3 Mistakes to Avoid if You Want to Get Her Back
Believe it or not, in most instances, a woman will forgive a guy for almost anything if he shows her that he’s truly changed and become a better man as a result.
So, if you want your ex to forgive you and open herself up to the idea of getting back together again, make sure you don’t make any of these classic mistakes:
1. Apologizing over and over when she has already heard your apology
Sometimes a guy feels so shocked by his behavior, that he can’t stop apologizing to his ex about it.
He’ll go on and on saying things like, “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry for what I did! I can’t believe I behaved like that. You cannot begin to know how much I regret what I did to you. Please forgive me!” in the hope that she will see his remorse and forgive him.
Yet, apologizing over and over again doesn’t actually get to the core of the problem.
Although he is being 100% sincere about his regret for hurting her, nothing else about his behavior is making her feel like if she gives him another chance, things really will be different this time.
He’s just apologizing, but he’s still at the same level that he was at when she broke up with him.
She can’t see any obvious changes in him, other than constant apologies, so she looks his apology as being just empty words.
She fears that if she gives him another chance, the same thing will happen weeks, months or years from now.
So, rather than risking it, she just continues trying to move on without him.
Here’s the thing…
If you’ve sincerely apologized to your girlfriend for choking her out of anger, then there’s no need to keep apologizing to her.
Once is enough.
After apologizing once, it’s much more important to then show her, via your actions, behavior and the way you respond to her when she tests you, that you no longer react the way you did before.
When she can see that you now have full control over your emotions, it will make her feel a renewed sense of respect and attraction for you.
Then, the idea of giving you another chance starts to feel like something she may be willing to do.
However, if you just apologize to her repeatedly in the hope that she will think, “Awww…I feel sorry for him because he’s so remorseful and totally regrets his mistake. He keeps apologizing, so he must be telling the truth. I should give him another chance,” you’ll be very disappointed because she will likely just move on without you.
Remember: Actions speak louder than words.
Apologizing once is fine, but you then need to get on with making her feel a renewed sense of respect and attraction for the new and improved you.
Another mistake to avoid making is…
2. Going to ‘anger management therapy’ when you don’t actually need it
Some guys definitely do need help from a therapist or anger management counselor (e.g. if a guy has a long history of losing his temper often and becoming aggressive or violent towards women) and in cases like that, a guy should get help.
However, in most cases, especially where a guy has choked his girlfriend out of anger and has instantly realized his mistake and regretted it ever since, a guy does not need to go to a counseling session.
Most guys just need to honestly realize that reacting with physical violence when a woman is being annoying isn’t the answer.
There are always more loving ways to react and respond to a woman who is being angry, aggressive or annoying (i.e. use humor, walk away from the situation, break up with her).
As long as have learned your lesson and know in your heart that you won’t ever want to choke your girlfriend (or another woman) again, then there’s no need to rush off to a therapist or get counseling so you can prove to her that you are serious about changing.
In fact, women hate it when a guy goes to therapy or counseling and then tells her all about it and wants her to be part of his journey to become a better man.
A woman just wants you to get on with being a better man, without needing her to hold your hand along the way or pat you on the back about any progress you make.
Another mistake to avoid making is…
3. Feeling unworthy of a relationship with her, or other women, because of a silly, immature mistake
Every man makes silly mistakes at some point in his life.
The greatest men of all learn from their mistakes and become even better men than they were before.
So, if you have learned from your mistake, are sincerely sorry for doing it and know that you won’t ever hurt a woman like that again, then it’s a valuable lesson.
It wasn’t the right thing to do of course, but everyone makes mistakes.
Don’t put yourself down because of what happened.
It was a silly mistake.
It doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person, or that you don’t deserve to get your girlfriend back (or be with another woman).
It simply means that you stuffed up.
Let it go and just focus on being a better man.
Once you are ready, contact her, interact with her, re-attract her and guide her back into a relationship with you.