When a guy says, “I don’t have friends,” he often also means, “I don’t have friends to hang out with; I don’t have friends to do fun stuff with; I don’t have friends I can call on when I need help; I don’t have friends to pick me up when I’m down”…and the list goes on.
When you don’t have friends, you feel there’s something missing in your life, and the bottom line is you feel lonely, right?
I Don’t Have Friends = I’m Lonely
Everyone needs friends. This might sound like a well-worn, clichéd song lyric but it is a scientific fact based on our basic human need for companionship.
Human beings are gregarious by nature, something proven by the fact that the vast majority of people all over the world live in “communities” of some sort and only a tiny minority actually choose to live in total isolation …and let’s be honest, those who do are considered to be weird social outcasts, aren’t they?
So, if you don’t have friends, does that make you a social outcast? No. There’s a big difference between choosing to live in isolation and finding that you are living with unwanted feelings of isolation through not having a good network of friends who love you, care about you and appreciate your unique personality.
So the next question must be; if you want friends, why don’t you have friends? The key to answering that question begins by taking a good look at how you view your situation…
View # 1: Maybe you don’t see yourself as someone people want to be friends with
If this is you, you’ve slipped into focussing on what you don’t have in life. You don’t think you’re very interesting, you perhaps see yourself as a bit boring compared to other guys, or you don’t think you’re “cool” enough for people to want to hang out with you.
Yet, here’s the thing, the way you see yourself influences the way other people see you. The more you focus on what you see as negatives, the more difficult you make it for anyone else to see anything other than those negatives.
It’s not being a perfect person that makes you a perfect friend.
You don’t need to be like one of the characters from “Friends” for people to want to be friends with you! Guys just want to be friends with other guys, and genuine friends are exactly that – genuine people.
The world is full of real people, not sit-com characters, and all it takes to change your situation is a switch of focus from who you think you’re not to who you really are. Real and genuine guys make real and genuine friends.
View # 2: Maybe you don’t see yourself “fitting in” with other guys
Being “one of the guys” is a popular expression used to describe the sort of man that all men seem to like hanging out with. This can make not being “one of the guys” feel like not fitting in.
But, here’s the thing, the groups of guys who hang out together are groups of individuals who all have their own thoughts, opinions and interests in life, and it’s not just a shared interest that keeps them together.
You don’t need to have everything in common with someone to strike up a friendship; in fact, some of the best friendships grow between guys with very different characters. Very often, it’s learning from one another’s experiences in life and having another person’s perspective that brings out the best in everyone.
Fitting in is not about having everything in common.
Being “one of the guys” is not about being the same as the other guys, it’s about being yourself and, most importantly, being reliably yourself. Even if you’re the one everyone can rely on to disagree with everyone else, it’s the fact that you know who you are and what you stand for in life that makes you a reliable friend.
So What Makes a Good Friend?
“I don’t have friends” does not equal, “I can’t make friends” unless you choose to see it that way. There’s a saying, “If you want to have a friend, you have to be a friend,” meaning you have to get out there and interact with people in the way you want them to interact with you. If you’re not prepared to be a friend, you can’t expect others to befriend you.
Those “popular” guys you see, the guys that are always surrounded by friends, both male and female, have certain character traits in common. They include:
- Self-confidence – they’re comfortable in their own skin and they’re not pretending to be anyone other than who they are.
- Pro-active/decisive – they know what they want and they go after it, they take the lead.
- Charisma – they are natural leaders in social situations but they’re not domineering or arrogant; they don’t hog the limelight.
All of the above traits are traits that are attractive to women and also traits that attract friends. In fact, the more you improve your ability to attract women, the easier it will be for you to make and keep friends.
Why? Women love to be around guys who make them feel attracted, even if they only ever get to be his friend because he already has enough women in his life. Guys wants to be around other guys who know how to attract women because it makes it easier to meet women.
Common Mistakes That Repel Potential Friends
1. Off-loading all the time – friends are there for one another through good and bad but if you slip into off-loading your problems onto your friends every time you meet, you’re no longer good fun to be around. Friends can only “soak up” so much before they’ll start to avoid you rather than have you drag them down.
2. Trying too hard – if you try too hard to “fit in” in an effort to make everyone like you, you run the risk of coming across as a fake. Groups of friends don’t see eye-to-eye on everything, so if you’re seen as someone who changes his opinion to suit the group, you’re not the real deal.
3. Being “too nice” – this follows on from “trying too hard” in that playing it safe and only ever saying or doing what you think others want you to say or do rather than being yourself and saying or doing what you really want to can make you come across as fake. Of course, this doesn’t mean you should be “not-nice”! Guys respect guys who know their own mind and are not afraid to stand up for what they believe in, and women love men that other men respect.
4. Being “over the top” – sure, everyone loves to be around a “fun guy” who knows how to have a good time but if you’re being loud or showy in an effort to make yourself the centre of attention all the time, you’re going to find your friends drifting away before too long. Being confident is not the same as being a loud mouth and charismatic guys know how to have fun by making it fun for everyone – it’s not about them!
Making friends is one thing, but keeping hold of friends and building lasting friendships is another thing. Real friends are real people, and it’s being genuine that makes a guy popular with both men and women.
Guys hang out with guys they can trust; guys that they feel totally relaxed just being themselves around. Women are instinctively attracted to guys who have real friends because having friends is a good indicator that he’s the real deal; the real man she’s looking for.
And if that’s not good enough reason in itself to get out there and make some friends, how about the fact that scientific research has likened loneliness to being an alcoholic or smoking 15 cigarettes a day in terms of the devastating effect it can have on your health.
Being lonely and feeling isolated is as bad for your health as not taking regular exercise, and twice as bad as being overweight or obese.