When a woman says that she loves you but isn’t in love with you, it simply means that you’re currently not making her feel sexually attracted in the way that she REALLY wants.
You can change how she feels, but you have to be willing to change your approach to her.
For example: A woman might say, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” to her ex boyfriend or husband if…
1. He is too nice to her all the time
There’s nothing wrong with being nice to a woman and there’s nothing wrong with being a good guy, but being nice to a woman isn’t the main thing that makes her feel attracted to a guy.
For example: A guy is in a relationship with a woman and he is always nice to her, lets her have her own way and even allows her to treat him badly (e.g. by being rude or disrespectful towards him, breaking his trust) without ever standing up to her.
Then, after the break up he continues being a nice, forgiving guy and tries to change her mind by being extra romantic and sweet to her.
As he tries to get her back with his nice guy approach, he might do everything his ex wants him to do, suck up to her, make himself available to her every beck and call and generally try to show her that he’s willing to put up with anything to get another chance with her.
He might take her out to a nice dinner or lunch to show her that he’s still willing to provide for her, even though she doesn’t want to be with him anymore.
He might also help her pay some of her bills, buy her expensive gifts and shower her with bunches of flowers and boxes of chocolates.
If someone were to ask him why he is doing that, he might say, “I love her more than anything and I want to show that to her. It doesn’t matter how she treats me. Being a gentleman is what really counts. I’m not going to be a bad boy and start treating her badly. That’s not how I was raised or what I stand for as a man. I believe that niceness is what women really and if a woman doesn’t want it, she must be crazy! So, when my ex realizes that I’m always going to treat her like a princess no matter what, she will naturally change her mind about us. She will see that no other guy will ever love her like I do, or treat her as nicely as I do. I haven’t gotten her back so far because she’s confused about her love for me. If I just keep spoiling her and being extra sweet and romantic, her defenses will come down and her feelings for me will change. I will get her to love me again. I was nice to her before and I will continue being nice to her. It has to work!”
Yet, what he doesn’t realize is that he doesn’t have to be a bad boy to stop using the failing nice guy approach.
What does he need to do?
Be a good guy with balls.
In other words, treat her well, but don’t be a doormat for her to walk all over whenever she wants.
Women do not respect guys who let themselves be pushed around by a woman, because it makes a woman feel unsafe with him as they walk through the world together.
If he can stand up for himself when it comes to her, what kind of protection will he offer if people start treating him and her badly?
Will she have to stand up for them?
Will she have to be “the man” and take control of the situation?
Stopping the nice guy act is NOT about being a bad boy or treating a woman badly.
Instead, it’s about being a good guy who just has some balls.
In other words, a good guy with a backbone.
Put another way, a confident, assertive, good guy who is nice to her and to other people, but doesn’t waste time and energy sucking up to her or other people in the hope that they treat him fairly in return.
If you’ve ever used the nice guy approach in life, you will know that no matter how nice you are, some people are the kind who will treat you badly, unfairly or rudely no matter what to do for them.
This is why women don’t like the nice guy act that men put on as their social strategy in life.
Women like men who are good guys, but who are more real, balanced and emotionally strong.
So, if a guy is being extra sweet and nice to get his ex back when she dumped him for being too much of a nice guy to begin with, she isn’t going to feel amazed that he’s doing even more of it for her now.
Rather than make a woman think, “I’m such a lucky girl! No matter what I do to him or how badly I behave, he’s always so understanding, nice and sweet. Look at how romantic he is and how much he’s always spoiling me, even though we’ve broken up. I’d be making the biggest mistake of my life if I let him go! No other guy would be this nice!” she’ll be thinking, “Why doesn’t he ever stand up to me? He’s always letting me get away with treating him badly. Doesn’t he have any balls? Does he really think that my feelings for him will change just because he’s being nice to me and buying me flowers and gifts? Can’t he see that his confused nice guy approach is actually one of the main reasons why I broke up with him in the first place? Doesn’t he understand that women don’t want a pushover because it doesn’t make us feel safe?”
Here’s the thing…
Although being a nice guy and a gentleman to a woman is perfectly fine (e.g. I’m good to my wife and treat her well, but I don’t put up with her bad behavior, so she is kept in line), when it comes to relationships, or getting an ex back, being extra nice to her is not what works.
When a woman feels way more valuable than a man because he’s being so nice to her even though she is treating him badly, she just can’t look up to him and respect him, which then ruins any potential for sexual attraction to occur.
Without respect and sexual attraction, it then becomes difficult for her to connect with feelings of romantic love, causing her think, “Something is missing. I love him, but I’m just not in love with him. What is missing between us? I mean, he’s a good guy, but I just don’t feel it.”
She might not be able to explain it herself, but she will be able to feel that something isn’t quite right between you and her and she doesn’t like it.
So, if you want to change your ex’s feelings of neutral, friendly love into romantic, sexual love, you have to actively make her feel respect and attraction for you again by behaving in some of the ways that are naturally attractive to women (e.g. by being more confident and self-assured, being emotionally masculine, standing up for yourself in a loving way, putting her back in her place in a loving way, making her feel girly and feminine when she interacts with you).
If your main approach to changing her feelings is to be nice to her and hope that it will convince her to give you another chance, the only thing you will accomplish is the unwanted result of making her lose more and more respect for you every time she interacts with you.
Don’t put yourself in that position.
Remember: Women don’t reward niceness with love, sex and devotion.
Women only appreciate niceness from men that they respect and feel sexually attracted to.
Another reason why a woman might say that she loves her ex, but isn’t in love with him is that…
2. He makes her feel more dominant than him
Many guys make the mistake of thinking that a woman will be happier if she gets to wear the pants in a relationship.
A guy might then sit back and allow his woman to make most or all the decisions and be more emotionally dominant than him in the relationship.
Yet, rather than make a woman happy, a guy’s lack of emotional dominance only makes her lose respect for him as a man and when she can’t respect him, she also can’t feel sexually attracted to him.
Naturally, this doesn’t mean that a woman wants a man who is overly domineering and bossy and always makes all the decisions for both of them, without taking her thoughts and feelings into consideration.
It simply means she needs her man to be the emotionally stronger one and to take on the role of leading the way to a better life for both of them.
If he can do that (by making decisions and getting her to help in the making of others), she will be able to relax into feeling like a feminine woman around him.
Some guys just don’t understand that about women, so in a relationship, a guy will let his woman be the boss.
He might do that because he thinks it’s unfair that men are expected to be men, or because he thinks it’s outdated to be a man around a woman.
Yet, being a man never goes out of style and never stops being what women really want.
So, if a guy doesn’t take on the role of being the man in the relationship, his woman will lose respect, then attraction and then fall out of love with him.
Then, when she breaks up with him, he will mistakenly continue to put her in a position of control by asking her to explain what he needs to do to get her to change her mind.
For example: He might say to her, “Please give me another chance. Just tell me what you want me to do to make you fall in love with me again? I promise you, I will do whatever you say.”
Yet, rather than please her and make her think, “What a great guy! He wants me to lead him! This is what I’ve always wanted,” she feels turned off even more, because he’s behaving in the exact same way that caused her to break up with him in the first place.
Here’s the thing…
A woman doesn’t want to tell a guy what he needs to do to make her happy.
She wants him to be man enough to figure it out on his own, rather than leaning on her for guidance and support.
If she has to tell him how to be the man she needs, she will lose even more respect for him because he’s not his own man.
He is simply following her instructions, which takes the romance out of the relationship and turns it into something neutral.
It’s neutral because he’s neither a man nor a woman and she’s neither a woman nor a man.
Both of them are kind of somewhere in the middle.
If you want a relationship to last for life, you’ve got to be COMPLETELY DIFFERENT to your woman in terms of your role in the relationship.
In other words, you’ve got to be the MAN and let her be the WOMAN.
So, if you made the mistake of being neutral with your woman (rather than clearly being the man at all times), here’s what you need to do…
To get her back, she needs to be able to see that she can now fully relax into her feminine self and trust that you really are the man.
When she sees that your energy, thinking and behavior has changed to become so much more manly, she will automatically begin to feel respect for you again.
When she can respect you, she will naturally start to feel sexually attracted to you again and with that, her feelings will slowly change from neutral love back to passionate, sexual, romantic love again.
Following on from the previous point…
3. He is more like a friend to her
Another reason why a woman might say that she loves her ex, but is not in love with him, is because his approach to her makes her feel more like a friend to him, rather than his feminine, sexually charged girl when he interacts with her.
For example: During a guy’s relationship with a woman, it might have felt like fun to hang out with her like friends (e.g. play video games together, go to the park every weekend to play baseball, get her involved in his hobbies, talk to her about guy stuff and so on).
Although initially a woman might go along with that, she will eventually start to lose interest when she realizes that she’s no longer as attracted to him as she used to be.
She goes from seeing him as her man and feeling like his woman, to seeing him more like a friend and feeling like “one the guys” or a buddy to him.
Then, after the break up, rather than use every interaction he has with her (e.g. over the phone and in person) to re-spark some of her feelings of sexual attraction for him, a guy will often make the mistake of continuing to use his friendly approach on her.
He might say to himself, “Even though right now she says that she isn’t in love with me anymore, I just need to stay around her long enough as a friend to make her change her mind. If she sees that I’m not going no matter what, she will realize that she’s actually still in love with me and she will want me back.”
Yet, here’s the thing though…
Although staying in touch with an ex and even being friends with her is definitely a good thing (because you can use interactions as opportunities to reactivate her feelings of sexual attraction), it’s not going to make any difference to her feelings for you if you’re just being friendly.
If you’re just being friendly around her, she’s not going to get those special feelings of sexual and romantic attraction that happen when a guy is using an attraction based approach.
Instead, with a friendly approach, she’s going to say something like, “I really do love you and I don’t want to lose you, but I just don’t feel the same way about you as I used to. I don’t know what it is. Maybe I’m messed up in the head or something. Maybe I just need time. I don’t know. So, even though we can’t be a couple anymore, I’m glad we can be friends like this. I can’t guarantee that I will get back with you, but I’m open to being friends because I do love you and care about you as a person.”
Then, because she doesn’t feel sexually and romantically attracted to her ex, she opens herself up to new guys who do make her feel that way.
The next thing her ex knows, she is texting him to say, “Sorry, I can’t maintain our friendship anymore. My new boyfriend doesn’t like it and I don’t want to ruin things with him. I wish you all the best.”
In other words, if you want your ex back, don’t use a friendly, non-sexual approach.
You’ve got to make her feel those special feelings that bring a man and a woman together and keep them together in a sexual and romantic way.
If you just make her feel friendly feelings, all you will get is a temporary friendship will it’s still possible or convenient for her.
Another reason why a woman will say that she loves her ex, but isn’t in love with him is…
4. He has ruined her respect for him by crying
Life can be challenging sometimes (e.g. a guy might have trouble with his boss at work, lose his money in a bad investment, get caught up in disagreements or arguments with friends or family) and it’s natural when things go wrong, he might want to blow off some steam by talking about to his woman.
It’s totally fine to talk about problems to your woman and work towards a solution.
Yet, if a guy becomes a complainer who often cries or sulks when life gets tough, his woman will soon begin to lose respect for him.
It’s a fact of nature that women are not attracted to emotionally weak, wimpy men.
On TV, women might say that they like men who cry, but that’s just due to political correctness or it’s coming from an unattractive woman who can’t keep a real man, so gets in and out of relationships with emotionally weak men who sometimes cry and usually desperately chase after her when she breaks up the relationship.
Yet, in real life, real women are turned off by men who cry when life gets tough, or when they are being broken up with.
So, when a man becomes emotionally sensitive and starts whining about his life like a victim or crying about the fact that she is breaking up with him, a woman will instinctively start to lose respect and attraction for him.
For example: He might say to her, “How can you do this to me. Isn’t my life bad enough already without the added pain of losing you? I can’t bear the thought of being without you. It’s just too much! I need you. Can’t you see that? Please don’t do this to me. I need you. I love you more than anything. Please. Have a think about how you’re making me feel. You’re killing me. Please.”
He’s hoping that if she feels sorry for him, she will change her mind and give him another chance.
Yet, that only turns her off even more because a woman doesn’t want to think of her relationship with a guy as a charity case.
She wants to be with him because it feels good to her, not because she feels that he will fall apart without her.
So, if you want to change how your ex feels about you, don’t try to use the “pity me” approach on her because it may work for a short while on some women, but it won’t work forever.
Women aren’t attracted to emotional weakness in men, so you’ve just got to be strong.
When she sees for herself that you’re the kind of man she can now look up to, respect and depend on, she will automatically begin to feel some respect and attraction for you again and her feelings will naturally change from neutral love to romantic love.
Another reason for the old, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” speech from a woman is that…
5. He hides from his goals by spending most of his spare time on her and the relationship
Although there’s nothing wrong with being a devoted, committed boyfriend (fiancé or husband), it absolutely cannot be your main purpose in life if you want your relationship to last.
Almost all women on the planet hate it when a guy makes her his purpose in life because he’s either too afraid or too lazy to step up and become the man he can be and achieve the things he is capable of.
For example: Sometimes a guy might use his relationship with a woman as an excuse not to go after his dreams and goals in life.
He might say to himself, “She’s so much more important to me than any goal I might have. So, I’d rather focus my attention on building our relationship and spending as much time together as possible, than going after some dream that may never come true anyway.”
He may even convince himself that giving up on his goals in life is the ultimate proof of his love for her and that she’ll feel flattered for LIFE that he’s willing to give everything up for her.
Yet, women just don’t work that way.
Although a woman wants to be loved and appreciated, she doesn’t want to be the number one source of her guy’s emotional security, sense of identity or reason for living.
When a guy does that to a woman, it makes her feel responsible for his happiness, confidence and sense of self worth.
It makes her feel like she has to be emotionally consistent and stable like a MAN in order to make him feel confident, happy and worthy in life.
If she acts like a WOMAN and changes her emotional state all the time, it causes him to become insecure or possible clingy, jealous, controlling and angry at her at all the time.
That’s not what a woman wants.
She doesn’t want a guy who needs her to think, feel, behave and act consistently like a MAN.
She also doesn’t want to feel like she has to be like a “mother” figure to him because he needs her gentle, unconditional love.
Women give CONDITIONAL love in a relationship with a man.
If you can be the sort of man that she feels respect and attraction for, she will love you and be nice, affectionate and caring.
If you are being the sort of man who is ruining her respect or attraction, she will disconnect from her feelings of love and stop being so nice, affectionate and caring.
If a woman feels like she has to “take care” of her guy because he needs her love to feel good about himself, she definitely won’t want to give it to him.
For example: A guy might try to get a woman by saying things like, “Please baby… I’m nothing without your love. You’re the reason I get out of bed in the morning. Without you, I don’t see the point in living anymore. I mean, what would be the point of doing anything if I can’t share it with you? Please give me another chance. I need you. Please.”
He’s hoping that if he expresses his love for her in that way, she will see it as romantic, feel flattered by how much he needs her and it will then change her mind.
Yet, that’s just not how women work.
Rather than making a woman think, “Oh no! What am I doing to him? His love for me is so strong and I’m throwing it all away. I’m being so selfish and ungrateful. I have to give him another chance!” she will likely think, “That’s the very reason why my feelings for him changed before! He was just smothering me with his neediness. He has no serious goals and ambitions in his life besides me. Yes, he wants to achieve the standard things in life like other people, but he’s not striving to become a better man. He is afraid of becoming the man he knows he could be. I just can’t be with a guy who is using his love for me as an excuse to avoid becoming and being a real man in this life.”
She then tells him something like, “Sorry, I just don’t feel the same way. You have to leave me alone” and he is confused.
He doesn’t understand how she could love him as a person, but not be in love with him.
Worse still, she isn’t ever going to tell him the REAL reason she is turned off by him at a deep level.
She’ll just say things like, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you. I’m sorry. It’s over” because she doesn’t want to give him clues on how he could re-attract her.
She wants a man who either understands how to be a real man and is living in that way, or a guy who learns how to be a real man and starts being it, so she can then experience a renewed sense of respect and attraction for him.
So, if you want to make your ex fall in love with you again, you need to start by showing her that you have become an emotionally independent, confident, real man now who isn’t afraid of his potential.
Let her see that you have some big goals that you are striving towards and you are doing the things you were putting off because of your relationship with her, or because of your fear of your own potential as a man.
When your ex can see for herself that you’re now the mature, emotionally strong man she always wanted you to be, you will automatically become more attractive to her.
It literally happens automatically, whether she wants it to or not.
So, don’t worry if she doesn’t say, “Wow! OMG! I want you back!” right away.
In most cases, a woman will act like she’s only kind of impressed or isn’t impressed at all to test her ex guy’s confidence.
She wants to see if he really has become a real man, or if he’s still the same kind of guy who needs a woman’s approval and encouragement before he feels okay about himself.
Finally, another reason why a woman will love her ex guy, but not be in love with him is that…
6. She’s lost trust in him as a man that she can look up to and rely on
When in a relationship, a woman needs to feel that she can rely on her man to guide both himself and her to a better life in future.
Essentially, a woman’s natural instincts are to find a guy that she can stick with for life (or at least a very long time), because of the risk of getting pregnant by him.
It’s not because women are money hungry ho’s or because women are lazy.
It’s just about their natural instinct to be with a guy who will be able to protect and provide should she get pregnant and have to raise offspring.
So, when a woman hooks up with a guy, at the back of her mind she’s wondering, “Is he the one? Can I trust him to stick by me and be a mature, emotionally strong man that I can rely on? Will he be able to provide for me and protect me? Will I be able to depend on him if we have any children together in the future?”
Women hate wasting their time on a guy who is pretending to be a well-balanced man when he’s really not.
For example: A guy might sometimes put on an act to get a woman to go out on a date with him, but once they are in a relationship together, his insecurities begin to shine through.
For instance, he might…
- Realize that he got very lucky by scoring her and then start feeling the fear of potentially losing her. He will then become needy, clingy and insecure in the relationship with her.
- Take her for granted (e.g. stops treating her in the same loving, respectful way that he did in the beginning, becomes argumentative and critical towards her) because he assumes that she loves him and she will never break up with him now.
- Think that letting her make all the decisions in the relationship will make her happy.
- Continue behaving like he’s still single (e.g. hangs out with his friends and doesn’t pay much attention to her, spends his weekends playing video games, goes out partying without her and gets drunk around other women who might be interested in him).
- Behave in an irresponsible way and not follow through on his promises to her.
Although a woman might put up with this type of behavior for a while, eventually her instincts will start telling her, “He’s not the guy you thought he was. You can no longer look up to him and rely on him to be the man you need him to be. What if you fall pregnant or some serious problem comes up in your life? You won’t be able to count on him to take care of you or protect you. Get out of the relationship now before it’s too late.”
She will then try to let him down easy by saying something like, “This isn’t working for me. I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore. I need time to think about what I really want.”
She might add, “Who knows… maybe sometime in the future we can give our relationship another try, but for now, I need to be alone for a while.”
He might then cut off all communication with her for a few weeks or even months, because he’s hoping that she will be working through her feelings for him and will soon call him and tell him that she’s ready to get back together again.
Yet that rarely, if ever, happens because she’s not in love with him in a romantic, sexual way, so she doesn’t feel motivated to give the relationship another try.
She knows that she will just end up seeing him as more like a friend and won’t feel the spark, so she doesn’t follow through on getting him back.
Instead, she tries to use the time apart to get over him, move on and hook up with another guy who she hopes that she will be able to continually look up to, respect, rely on and depend on to be the man that she really needs.
Then, when her ex calls her after giving her weeks or more of space, she will say something like, “Sorry. We just weren’t meant to be. It’s too late. I’m in love with someone else now. I’m sorry it didn’t work out between us. You’re a really nice guy and all. I wish you the best from here on out. I’m sure you will find a nice girl one day who will appreciate you.”
Of course, she then gets off the phone and knows that she didn’t tell him the truth, but told him what would help her get away from him.
If she were to tell him the truth, she would explain what you’ve been learning so far in this article.
Yet, she doesn’t want to do that because she doesn’t want him to say, “I can’t be like that, I promise! Just give me a chance to prove it to you!”
If she did that, she would feel like his leader, guide or mother figure in life.
She doesn’t want that.
So, if you don’t want to lose your ex to another guy, you’ve got to re-attract her now, before it’s too late.
Interact with her (e.g. over the phone and in person) and show her via the way you talk, think, behave and interact with her, that you’re a different man now.
When you can show her that you’ve changed the things that turned her off (e.g. you’re more emotionally masculine now, you’re confident and self-assure, you’re emotionally independent and have a big purpose in life), her instincts will kick in and she will begin thinking, “Now this is the kind of man I always wanted. I can definitely rely on him, look up to him, feel attracted to him and love him. Maybe I should just give him another chance. I feel good about this now, so why not? I should do it!”
Her walls then come falling down and the love in her heart starts to feel different.
Instead of feeling neutral, friendly feelings when she interacts with you, her heart starts to skip a beat ever time she hears your voice or sees your face.
She’s in love with you again.
You and her are back together.
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