When a woman says that she needs to find herself, or to be herself again, it’s usually because she stopped feeling the way she wants to feel in the relationship.
Somewhere along the way, her feelings of respect and attraction for her man started to fade and eventually she began to think something like, “Is this it? Is this what our relationship is going to be like from now on? Where is the love and desire? Where is the fun and excitement?”
Generally, when a woman reaches the point where she begins questioning her feelings for her man, she might then say to him, “I think we need to take a break from each other. I just don’t know who I am, or why I’m here anymore. I need to find myself.”
So, if your ex said something like that to you during the break up, you might be wondering, “What does she mean? I don’t understand what she really wants me to do now. What did I do wrong? How did I make her feel that way?”
4 Reasons Why a Woman Will Say That She Needs to Find Herself or Be Herself Again
The first possible reason why your ex said that she needed to find herself, or be herself again is…
1. She Stopped Feeling Girly and Feminine in Your Presence
In a relationship, it’s the man’s responsibility to maintain and grow the love and attraction between him and his woman.
One of the most important parts of this is to ensure that you continue making her feel like a real woman.
Essentially, this means that you make her feel girly and feminine in comparison to your masculinity (i.e. the manly way that you think, talk, feel, behave and act).
A mistake that a lot of guys make in a relationship is to stop treating his woman like a feminine woman and start treating her more like a friend, or like one of the guys.
It might feel like fun to hang out like friends or to act like her at times, but she will eventually start to lose interest when she realizes that she’s no longer as attracted as she used to be.
Another mistake that some guys make is to think that a woman will be happier if she takes on the more dominant role in the relationship and makes most of the decisions.
What a guy like that doesn’t understand, is that even though most modern women are independent and might make a lot of decisions in the work environment, they are still attracted to and respectful of a man who takes on the more dominant, masculine role in a relationship.
Of course, that doesn’t mean that a woman wants a domineering man to boss her around, tell her what to do and not allow her to have her say.
Instead, it simply means that she wants a man who is emotionally stronger than her, so she can look up to him and respect him, which then gives her the opportunity to relax into feeling like a real woman (i.e. feminine and girly).
So, why does it matter if a woman stops feeling like a real woman in the relationship?
Basically, the less feminine and girly that a woman feels around her man, the less sexual attraction she feels for him.
She starts to regard him as more of a friend or roommate, or in the case where she is more emotionally dominant than him; she starts to feel more like his boss or mother.
So, when a woman finds herself in that position in her relationship (i.e. being friends, being emotionally dominant), she starts to lose her feelings of respect and attraction for her guy.
Without attraction, she might then begin to focus more on the things about him that she doesn’t like and possibly even get into arguments and disagreements with him.
She will begin to distance herself from him and eventually she will break up with him.
So, if your ex is saying, “I need to be myself again and I don’t feel like I can be who I really want to be in a relationship with you,” it could be because she hasn’t been feeling girly and feminine in the relationship with you anymore.
Thankfully, you can easily change how she feels by making some adjustments to the way you interact with her from this point onwards.
You need to show her (via the way you talk, think, behave and interact with her) that you now have the ability to be masculine in a way that makes her feel girly and feminine.
When you become more masculine in the way you interact with her (e.g. make her smile and laugh when she is being cold and distant or is trying to make you submit to her dominance, take charge and lead the way to allow her to relax into feeling feminine in comparison to you), then her feelings will automatically change.
She will then start to think, “Something has changed. I really feel good being with my ex again. Talking to him actually makes me feel excited again. It feels good to be around him. Maybe we really can have a second chance together. Why wasn’t he like before? I would have never broken up with him if this is who he was. Maybe I have to give him another chance before some other girl finds him and gets to experience his new, more attractive ways.”
She will automatically start to think in that way when you trigger her feelings of respect and attraction for you again.
However, if you continue to make her feel like a neutral friend, or allow her to dominate you, she will just keep saying things like, “I still don’t know what I really want in my life. I need to find myself first before I can commit to a relationship again. Maybe one day we can get back together again when I know who I am and what I want, but I can’t do that now. I want to be myself again for a while. Just give me time.”
Yet, here’s the thing…
If another guy comes along who is more masculine than you in the way that he thinks, feels, behaves and takes action in life, she is going to feel attracted to him.
She will feel girly and feminine in comparison to his masculinity and will instantly forget all about “finding herself.”
Instead, she will jump right into having sex and a relationship with him because what she was trying to find all along was the exciting feeling of attraction that only happens when there is a clear difference between the sexual energy of the man and the woman (i.e. masculine and feminine).
It’s not something that she can ignore. That is the natural attraction experience that a woman is truly looking for.
So, if you want to get your ex back before some other guy snaps her up, make sure that every time you interact with her from now on, you’re triggering her feelings of attraction for you and are making her feel girly and feminine in contrast to your masculine vibe.
2. She Felt Lost About Her Future Because You Didn’t Provide Enough Direction
Part of being the man in a relationship with a woman is taking on the role of being the one who is mostly responsible for guiding you and her to a better life in future.
This doesn’t mean that you have to make all the decisions, do all the work or earn all the money.
Instead, it means that you make sure there a clear plan for your future together and that you both stay on track to get there.
She doesn’t have to be as emotionally strong as consistent as you. You have to be the strong, consistent one who is always pushing forward and making progress towards your long-term goals, dreams and ambitions.
If you do that, she will come along with you, support you all the way and love and respect you deeply.
However, if a guy is just going through life randomly without a clear purpose or direction, it will cause his woman to feel insecure about her future.
She will start to feel as though one of them has to step up and start getting serious about their future.
If her man doesn’t do it, she will do it and as a result, she will feel less feminine and will feel as though she is the more dominant, sensible and “masculine” one in the relationship, which will make her unhappy and confused.
When she thinks about her future with him, she just won’t feel safe and protected.
She won’t feel as though she can fully rely on him to be a man and remain strong all the way to victory.
She will feel as though she’s going to need to keep lifting him up, encouraging him along and deciding which direction to head and what decisions to make along the way.
For example: A woman might have the idea of wanting to eventually settle down, buy a house and start a family with her man.
Yet, if he’s just drifting along in his life without making any effort to reach for his true potential, she will start asking herself, “Is this really going to work? Do I really want to stick around for years or decades in the hopes that this guy eventually realizes that he needs to do something with his life so we can have a safe future together? What would happen if I suddenly got pregnant? The way that things are now, he would struggle to take care of me and our child. I’m not saying that he has to be super successful for things to work out between us, but he does need to be moving forward, pursuing his goals and providing direction for our future together. I’m not sure if he is capable of doing that at all. Right now, he’s emotionally immature and hasn’t yet grown up and become a real man, which is making me feel lost and confused about what the future might bring.”
Essentially, a woman wants to be with a man confidently leads the way and makes her feel protected and safe because he is always emotionally strong no matter what happens.
When a woman can see that her man is emotionally strong and is rising through the levels of life and reaching for his true potential, she will feel safe with him, respectful of him, attracted to him and will fall more in love with him over time.
On the other hand, if a woman realizes that she’s constantly encouraging, or even nagging her man to stop hiding from his true potential because of laziness, or a fear of failure, she will eventually lose respect for him and will say something like, “I need to find myself” or, “I need time apart to think about what I want.”
3. She Had to Change Her Personality Too Much to Be With You
At the beginning of a relationship when the love is new and exciting, a woman will usually ignore negative things about her relationship with a guy.
She might even say, “It’s not so bad. I’m sure he will eventually see what he’s doing wrong and change.”
Yet, over time, when she realizes the guy’s behavior isn’t changing at all, she might find herself losing respect for him and reacting in ways that she doesn’t like.
For example: A guy might be very emotionally sensitive in the relationship with his woman, to the point where he becomes insecure and needy.
He might constantly ask her, “Do you still love me? You wouldn’t break up with me would you? You know I would just fall apart without you, don’t you?”
She might then find herself reassuring him, taking care of him and avoiding doing anything that might upset him or make him feel insecure.
She doesn’t want to have to be that reassuring girlfriend (or wife) and just wants to be a man’s woman, where she can look up to him and respect him.
Yet, he constantly needs her reassurance that she loves him, finds him attractive and won’t ever leave him.
Over time, she might realize that rather than feeling like his woman, she feels more like his mother who is taking care of his emotional well-being because he hasn’t yet grown up and become an emotionally strong, emotionally independent real man.
Another example of a woman having to change her personality too much to suit the relationship is when guy starts taking her for granted (e.g. he breaks his promises to her over and over again, doesn’t pull his weight, criticizes her, expects her to put up with his bad attitude).
In a situation like that, a woman might find herself nagging at him to change his ways and she may then become very angry and bitchy when he ignores her nagging and just keeps doing whatever he wants.
Eventually, she will begin to resent coming across as a nagging, complaining woman who is always angry and looking to start an argument with her man.
She then might begin to think, “Look at what you have become. Do you really want to be this person for life? Why are you so unhappy these days? Is this who you really are? You used to be so happy, cheerful and easy-going. Why are you so stressed out now? It’s because of him!”
When she realizes that he has been causing her personality to change in ways that she doesn’t like, she will then break up with him and say that she needs to find herself or be herself again.
At the time, it won’t make much sense to the guy being broken up with, but it will make full sense to the woman.
She will feel as though she has to get away from him to begin reconnecting with her old self, which she was much happier as before he began to turn her into a nagging, stressed woman.
4. You and Her Have Grown Apart
One of the most important aspects of a relationship is that the man and woman are both going in the same direction in life.
Whether it’s to have fun, party and travel together, or to settle down, buy a house, pursue a career or have a family together, a couple needs to have a shared, long term vision that they are both happy about.
So, if a woman discovers that she has matured a lot faster than her guy (e.g. she’s ready to be more serious and focused on achieving her goals, while he’s still sitting around playing video games, living at home with his parents or stuck in a dead-end job), she may start feeling like they are growing apart.
She might say to herself, “We no longer want the same things in life. All the things we had in common (e.g. partying, traveling) that drew us together are now the things that are pulling us apart. I don’t want those things anymore, but I can see that he’s not ready to change. I don’t know if I can stick around in the hopes that it will happen someday soon. Maybe we need a break from each other, so we can figure out what we really want.”
Initially, she might try to stick around and see if he changes, but if he remains emotionally immature in contrast to her growing emotional maturity, she will break up with him and begin to look for a new man who wants the same things as her.
If You Give Her Too Much Time to Find Herself, You Might Lose Her
The main reason why a woman will break up with a guy is because something about his way of thinking, behavior and attitude has made her lose respect and attraction for him.
For example: He became too insecure, jealous, controlling or over-protective.
If a guy doesn’t realize her true reasons for breaking up with him and just gives her time to “find herself,” she will simply move on because there is nothing different to come back to.
In her eyes, he is still the same guy who still doesn’t understand what she wants and needs, so she will just seek to find it in another man unless her ex changes and guides her through the ex back process to get the relationship back together.
So, if you’re thinking about waiting around in the hopes that your ex will call you up one day and say something like, “Hey! I’ve found myself! I now know who I am and what I want in my life… and what I want is you! Let’s get back together again,” you’re almost certainly going to be disappointed when you find out that she “found herself” with another guy.
What should you do instead?
The best thing to do while your ex is finding herself, is use the time wisely by becoming the kind of man she actually wants to come back to.
For example: Some of the things you can do that will re-spark her feelings of respect and attraction for you are:
- Understand her true reasons for breaking up with you (e.g. Were you making her feel girly and feminine in your presence or was she more of a neutral friend? Did you want the same things in life or were you going in different directions? Were you manly enough for her or did you end up acting a bit like her? Were you confident and emotionally strong, or did you become insecure and emotionally sensitive?).
- Begin fixing those things about yourself so that when you interact with her (e.g. on a phone call, or in person) she will be able to sense that you’ve changed.
- Improve your ability to attract her (e.g. make her smile and laugh, make her feel girly and feminine), so she will definitely have some feelings for you again the next time you interact with her.
- Get to the point where you feel happy with, or without her in your life (e.g. focus on your dreams and goals, have fun going out with friends or other women), so you aren’t emotionally dependent on her.
Once you’ve begun to make some adjustments and improvements to yourself (you don’t have to be perfect, you just need to be at a different level from where you were when she broke up with you), call her up on the phone and let her experience the new you.
On the phone call, get her laughing, smiling and feeling happy to be talking to you again and get her to meet up with you in person.
At the meet up, focus on sparking her feelings of respect and attraction for you via the way you react and respond to what she says now (e.g. you are confident rather than insecure, you are masculine rather than neutral or feminine).
When you interact with her in ways that re-spark her feelings, her perception of you automatically begins to change.
She drops her guard and then the process of getting her back becomes really easy, because she is feeling open to you.
When she’s with you now, she can finally be herself again.
Being herself is about being a feminine woman who is in love with a man.
It’s about her being able to feel happy and free to be who she truly is, without feeling like she needs to look out for how her man is feeling because he’s so emotionally sensitive or emotionally dependent on her.