If you’re having trouble getting over a break up, here are 4 things you can do from now on to feel better and move on:
1. Come up with a list of positives and negatives about her
Right now, you’re probably still missing your ex in many ways and that alone is causing you to feel troubled by the break up.
For example, you may remember how great she was in bed, how amazing she smelled, how her skin felt next to yours, how you used to feel about her beauty, how she had a cute giggle that made you smile and so on.
Yet, continuing to think like that isn’t going to help you get over the breakup.
It will just keep you stuck on her.
So, if you want to get past her and into a new woman, it’s very important that you start making progress in a new direction.
One of the best ways to do that to is by making a list of your ex’s positive and negative qualities, to help you realize that she isn’t perfect.
In fact, there are no perfect women in the world, just like there aren’t any perfect men.
Your ex may have been perfect for you in many ways, but if you want to get over the break up, you need to start focusing on the negatives too.
Here are 10 examples of potential positives and negatives that a guy might come up with about his ex girlfriend or ex wife.
- She’s beautiful.
- She’s smart.
- She has a great sense of humor and can make me laugh.
- She’s supportive of my goals and dreams.
- She’s nice to my family and friends.
- She’s a good cook.
- She likes many of the same things that I do.
- She’s ambitious and driven.
- She’s fun-loving.
- She’s great in bed.
- She’s a bit of a nag.
- She likes to throw tantrums and be very annoying to get my attention.
- She’s too much of a party girl and probably isn’t ready to settle down.
- She’s a bit lazy and doesn’t pull her weight.
- She isn’t affectionate.
- She always insists on doing things her way.
- She’s closed-minded.
- She refuses to try new things.
- She is always saying bad things about other people to make herself feel better, but it just ends up making her bitter and insecure.
- She expects me to pay for everything.
These are just some examples to get you thinking about the things that might be applicable to your ex.
What positives and negatives come to mind right now as you think about your ex?
Try to think about it for a couple of minutes.
Just make sure that you avoid focusing mostly on the positives and thinking things like, “I can’t come up with anything really bad about her. I mean, she really is an amazing girl. No one is perfect. I’m not perfect either. Maybe I need to accept her flaws.”
Yes, that is a possible path to take, but if you want to get over her, you need to focus on her negatives and use that as a reason to find a new woman who doesn’t have those negatives.
If you are finding it difficult to do that, try hard to think of the potential long term consequences of her negatives.
For example: Imagine a woman who always insists on doing things her way in a relationship.
Over time, the guy might get tired of arguing with her about it and he may start giving in to her more and more.
Eventually, she ends up being the one with all the power in the relationship and she then feels more emotionally dominant than him.
When that happens, she gradually begins to lose respect for him for being such an emotional wimp around her and not being man enough to stand his ground in a dominant, but loving way.
When she stops respecting him, she naturally stops feeling attracted to him and without those two things, she will eventually fall out of love with him as well.
This can then lead to her breaking up with him, because she no longer feels like she can look up to him and respect him as her man.
In another example, imagine a woman who is lazy and doesn’t really care about her man.
That type of behavior will usually only get worse in the long run, which will lead to arguments, resentment and then possibly cheating, or straight to a break up or divorce.
This is why it’s important to admit to yourself that your ex wasn’t perfect.
It’s not about seeing her as being a bad person.
Instead, coming up with a list of positives and negatives is a way of putting your relationship with her into a more balanced perspective, so you can stop being so troubled emotionally about losing her.
The next thing you can do to get over the breakup is…
2. Decide if you want to get her back just one last time
You might be having trouble getting over your breakup, but that doesn’t mean you want your ex back for life.
Sometimes, you can feel a lot better by re-attracting your ex, hooking up with her again sexually and being together briefly as a couple, before breaking up with her on your own terms.
You can then walk away feeling less rejected and hurt because she accepted you back and you then broke off the relationship when you were ready.
Many men and women do that to the person who broke up with them, so they can then stop being so troubled by the break up and move on.
If you are willing to do that with your ex, then you will need to follow through on the ex back process to get her back and give yourself that shot.
The first step of the ex back process is re-attraction.
This means, you need to interact with your ex every chance you get via text, social media and most importantly over the phone and in person and begin re-attracting her (e.g. by making her laugh and smile and feel good to be talking to you again, being confident with her regardless of what she says or does to make you feel unsure of yourself, showing her via your attitude, actions and behavior that you’ve transformed yourself into a better man than before, flirting with her to create some sexual tension).
Then, after you’ve completed the other steps of the ex back process, proceed to hook up with her sexually and get a relationship started once again.
If you then want to break up with her at that point, proceed with it, but if you want to give the relationship a real chance and see if you and her can make it last, then go for it.
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by giving it a try.
Alternatively, if you don’t want her back at all and just want to get over her, here is something else you can do…
3. Start having fun outdoors with new people
Right now, the idea of getting out, meeting new people and doing anything fun without your ex might seem too hard for you, or just like something you don’t want to do because you feel like being anti-social at the moment.
You might just want to be left alone to try and heal, or at least to hang out with friends or family where you feel comfortable and don’t have to put in a lot of effort to look cheerful or interested.
Yet, that’s not going to help you get over your breakup.
Here’s the thing…
Catching up with existing friends (or family) will inevitably lead to discussions about your ex, which will most likely make you miss her even more than you already do.
You will likely see your friends or family happy and secure in their relationships, which will make you feel like the odd one out.
As a result, you will keep going back to missing your ex and wishing that the break up didn’t happen.
The more you miss your ex and feel the deep pain associated with it, the more likely it is that you will begin to think, act and behave in unattractive ways (e.g. you may appear sad and lonely, you might say things from a place of insecurity, neediness or loneliness, which will turn your ex off and likely any other attractive, single women that are in your life, you may keep looking at photos and videos of you and her and wishing you could go back in time to be there with her again).
If you fall into that way of thinking and behaving, you will on the wrong path to re-attracting your ex.
Women are instinctively attracted to the kind of men who are emotionally strong and can cope with whatever life throws at them (e.g. a difficult breakup) and turned off by men who fall apart, go inward and feel lost when faced with a challenge.
So, if you interact with your ex (e.g. on a phone call or in person) and she senses that you’re not coping very well without her, she will interpret it as emotional weakness and naturally feel turned off.
This is why it’s so important for you to start having fun again with new people and not just with your old friends.
Even though it may be hard for you right now, make the effort to get out and meet some new people.
If you’re unsure how, here are some ideas to get you thinking.
- Attend a meet up group in your area (for ideas check out meetup.com).
- Start a new hobby (e.g. dancing classes, martial arts, hiking).
- Join a group exercise class.
- Join a travel group and start getting away over the weekends and exploring new and exciting places with the group.
Additionally, if you’re friends aren’t available to go out meeting women with you, here are some tips and techniques for you to go on your own:
The more you focus on having fun without your ex, the more you will find yourself feeling better every day.
As an added bonus, the happier you become without her, the more attracted to you she will feel if and when you interact with her.
Suddenly, you’re no longer her dumped ex who can’t live without her and has had trouble getting over the break up.
Instead, you are happy, confident and getting on with your life.
Sure, you might still want her back, but you know that you no longer need her back to be able to enjoy your life or feel good about yourself.
If you do interact with her, she will pick up on that and it will make her feel a renewed sense of respect and attraction for you.
At that point, you can re-attract her and get her back if you want, or just feel good that your ex wants you back and use that as an additional confidence boost as you get on with enjoying your life without her.
The next thing you can do to get over the breakup is…
4. Become more emotionally independent as a man
To feel emotionally independent as a man (a quality that women find irresistible in men) you need to reach the point where you can…
- Be happy and content with or without your ex in your life.
- Be confident in yourself, regardless of what happened between you and her, or whether she is still there to support or reassure you.
- Be confident in yourself regardless of what anyone says or does around you (e.g. they aren’t nice to you, they exclude you, they overlook you).
- Believe in yourself and in your attractiveness as a man, regardless of what your ex may have said about you when you and her broke up.
Important: Being emotionally independent doesn’t have to mean that you don’t want her back no matter what.
Instead, it simply means that you’re not going to sit around and let years of your life pass you by just because she’s not your girl anymore.
Watch this video I made about the decades of your life…
How are the remaining decade of your life going to play out with women?
Are you going to always miss your ex and wish you used your chance to get her back while it was still possible?
Are you going to move on and attract new women who might be an even better match for you?
Are you going to get over your ex, move on and never look back?
Whatever you do, start making decisions and taking action from a place of emotional independence.
It’s the best way to live life as a man.
It frees you up to go after what you want (even if that is your ex for now) without ever feeling needy, insecure or reliant on one particular woman to make you happy, secure and confident in yourself.
In the case of wanting an ex back, quickly get yourself to the point where you want her back, but don’t need her back to feel good about yourself or to live a successful, happy, confident life.
Whether you get over her and move on, or get her back, it’s just so important that you achieve emotional independence.
One of the reasons why is that some guys mistakenly think that to make a woman feel loved, happy and appreciated in a relationship, he has to make her the centre of his world.
Everything he does should be for her.
No, no, no.
That’s not emotional independence.
That’s betting his entire happiness and fulfillment in life on her being happy with how much he gives to her and does for her.
That just doesn’t work in the long run.
Yet, many guys don’t realize it until they’ve wasted years or decades of their life trying to please women in that way.
For example: A guy like that might want to give up his interests and hobbies, put his dreams on hold and even stop hanging out with his friends to spend more, or even all of his time with his girl.
He assumes that by putting her in first place in his life, she’ll see how devoted he is to her and she will then in turn be equally devoted to him too.
Yet, that’s rarely how it works.
Instead, when a man makes his woman his main purpose in life and reason for living, he will eventually begin to behave in an insecure, clingy, needy way (e.g. he will need her to keep showing him how happy she is, how in love she is, otherwise his entire world will be threatened).
Over time, his needy, clingy behavior will drive a wedge between them and cause her to lose respect and attraction for him.
When that happens, staying in a relationship with him will become something that no longer appeals to her.
It will feel forced and as though she is just sticking around to help him avoid crumbling and falling apart without her.
That’s not what a woman wants, even though movies and TV drama shows might pretend that it is.
Women want a man who is emotionally independent, loves her and makes her feel wanted, but also gives her the feeling that she needs him and that it would be her loss if the relationship ended, not the other way around.
So, if you want to get your ex back, one of the main things you need to show her is that you haven’t been sitting around feeling sad, lonely and lost without her.
Instead, you are now emotionally independent and feel really good about yourself and your life without her.
Don’t rub that in her face by saying it, but just let her sense that via your social media posts (i.e. you having fun with new people) and the way you talk and interact with her (i.e. without any sense of neediness, but while still being a good, loving man).
When she notices that, she will like it and it will attract her to you.
She may initially feel confused about her feelings, but she won’t be able to ignore them if you continue to interact with her and build up more attraction.
Soon enough, she will be the one who is having trouble getting over the break up and will want to get back with you to make herself feel better.
Try to Avoid Making the Following Mistakes When Getting Over Your Break Up
These days, a lot of men have trouble getting over break ups with women and often then make one of the following mistakes, which don’t solve the problem…
1. Assuming that the solution is to unfriend her, block her and completely delete her from his life
Right now, it might feel comforting to get rid of all signs that your ex ever existed in your life (e.g. unfriend her, block her, delete photos of her, get rid of anything personal that she left behind).
Unfortunately though, that doesn’t take away the pain or the deep memories of her.
Instead, you’re just left with what you can remember, which is usually just going to be the stuff that makes you feel good about her.
As a result, you just end up feeling stuck, depressed, lonely and like you’ll never be happy again without her, which doesn’t help you feel the confidence that you need to feel to get her back, or get over her.
Remember: Hiding from your problems doesn’t make them go away.
They’re still there.
At some point, you will come across your ex again (e.g. at the mall, university, work, a mutual friend’s house, she sends you a friend request, she opens her social media profile to be viewable publicly, you search and find photos of her at her new place of work, a friend sends you a pic, a friend runs into her and passes on a message for you, etc).
At that point, you’re either going to be ready to re-attract her, or you’re going to be at a loss of what to do because, up until that point, you’ve been pretending she doesn’t exist.
She does exist.
The question is: Are you going to pretend she doesn’t and try hard to ignore the deep memories you have of her, or are you going to face up to reality and decide that she exists and you’re either going to get her back or move on with new women to get over her?
Try to make a decision and then begin making progress in the direction you have decided to go.
In the meantime, another mistake to avoid is…
2. Not improving your ability to attract her and as a result, feeling lost and hopeless without her
One of the most important elements of being a confident man around women, is knowing how to attract them at will (i.e. on purpose, not by luck) and then how to keep a relationship together.
If you don’t have the skill of being able to attract a woman at will and make her want to please you and stay with you in a relationship, you will always feel a lack of confidence around women.
You either have it or you don’t.
So, a mistake that a lot of guys make when they get dumped by a woman is to go into their shell and hide themselves away from women for a long time.
During that time, most guys won’t learn how to improve their attractiveness to women, or they will focus on improving things about them that are only external (e.g. their looks, career).
Yet, even if a guy improves his appearance or career, he still has to be able to handle the first 5 minutes of a conversation with an attractive women.
He still has to be able to make her want him and hope to be his girlfriend.
He still has to be able to keep the relationship together for life, rather than ending up getting dumped again or divorced.
It’s not something that any of us guys can escape.
So, if you’ve been feeling lost without her because you know that it’s difficult for you to attract new, quality women, then now is the time to get this area of your life handled.
Don’t make the mistake of just hiding yourself away and developing insecurities about women, or assuming that all of your problems with women will go away if you go to the gym or improve your career.
Guys with muscles get dumped and guys with a great job get dumped too.
What matters is your ability to attract a woman as you talk to her and interact with her and your ability to keep a relationship happy, attracted and in love for life.
When you have that skill, you will be confident with women for life.
Yet, if you remain stuck at the level you are at now, you will almost certainly always feel insecure and unsure of yourself around attractive women and fear getting dumped, cheated on or divorce throughout the rest of your life.
Another mistake to avoid making is…
3. Focusing on the painful emotions of being dumped, rather than seeing the break up as an opportunity to become the man he knew he could have been becoming all along
You can let this breakup bring you down and cloud the rest of your life with a dull pain that you always feel in the background, or you can use it as a springboard to a much better, stronger, more desirable version of you.
You can literally become so much more confident, strong and wise from this moment onwards, or you can weaken and fade into a version of yourself that you won’t be happy with.
So many guys let a break up with a woman destroy them for years or decades.
Don’t do that to yourself.
Use the break up as an opportunity to quickly become the amazing man you know you can be.