Sometimes a guy will get broken up by a woman who says that the relationship they had was toxic, or that he was toxic.
Yet, why would a woman say something like that to her ex boyfriend?
Here are 12 possible reasons why:
1. She is using the wrong word to describe what she means
For example: A guy might be jealous and controlling in the relationship and his ex refers to that as toxic.
Sometimes this happens because a woman hears about the word ‘toxic’ online, or in the news and it then becomes part of her vocabulary.
In other words, it’s likely that you’re not actually a toxic guy and the relationship wasn’t toxic, but your ex is using that word because she knows that it makes men feel guilty and horrible about themselves.
Alternatively, she just feels cool by saying the word ‘toxic.’
Essentially, it gives her a sense of importance (e.g. because it causes you to feel like you have to make it up to her, other people give her sympathy and look at you as the bad guy).
Yet, the irony is that people who use the word ‘toxic’ are usually the ones who are toxic, because they’re constantly creating problems, drama and issues with people in their life.
A happy, loving person doesn’t go around calling people toxic.
Instead, they feel empathy and warmth for others and understand why they think, behave and feel the way they do.
2. The relationship was full of manipulation and games
For example: A guy might…
- Use threats and intimidation (e.g. “I will break up with you if you wear those clothes again/go out with those people/spend money without asking me first”), in an attempt to control her behavior.
- Try to make her feel guilty for doing things without him (e.g. spending time with friends, visiting family, taking up a new hobby or simply wanting to go grocery shopping without him). He essentially wants to be included in everything and if she doesn’t accept that, he behaves in a way that she perceives to be toxic (i.e. guilt trips, whining and complaining, pressuring, manipulating).
- Only do nice things for her with strings attached (i.e. he expects something back in return and if she then doesn’t respond in the way he wants, he makes her feel like she’s ungrateful and selfish). “I did this/that for you and what do you do for me? You treat me like crap. I deserve better.” He doesn’t realize that whining and complaining to a woman like that doesn’t make her feel motivated to treat him better because she feels turned off by his desperation and neediness. A woman will feel motivated to treat a guy well when he causes her to feel respect, attraction and love for him and doesn’t need her to do anything for him to make him feel valued, loved or appreciated. She wants to do it to feel more important and valuable in his life. If a guy doesn’t understand that, he will usually whine, complain and nag all the way to multiple breakups throughout his life.
- Make promises that he doesn’t keep. She continues to put her trust in him, but he breaks it again and again. Eventually, she feels like the relationship is based on lies, manipulation and trickery. As a result, she sees him as a toxic guy that she needs to get away from.
3. She felt like he was always blaming her for everything
- If he was having problems maintaining relationships with his friends, he might say that it’s her fault because she takes up too much of his time. In reality, he needs to be in control of managing his time and relationships, rather than blaming her.
- If they were late for an event (e.g. to catch up with friends, a movie, a party, dinner with his family, wedding, work function), he’d make it out to be her fault because she takes too long to get ready. While that might be true, it’s not something to make too much of a fuss about. In romantic relationships, you need to love patiently and forgive instantly, rather than treating the other person as an enemy.
- If he had anger issues, he’d say it’s her fault for setting him off with her actions, behavior or conversation style. While she might be annoying, or might try to provoke a negative reaction from him, it’s still up to him how he reacts. He has to take responsibility for his actions, behavior and reactions. Ironically, when a man does that, a woman almost always stops being annoying, or trying to get negative reactions out of him. She knows that he is a man who can maintain control of his emotions, so there’s no point trying. At that point, a woman will usually just be more loving, respectful and easygoing.
- If he had problems in the bedroom, he’d say it’s because she doesn’t put in enough effort to look attractive for him, is too frigid, or has too many expectations of him. While some of what he’s saying might be true, a man blaming a woman for his sexual problems never works. If a man has problems getting it up, he needs to fix that himself (i.e. by changing his mindset, decreasing or stopping masturbation outside of the bedroom, being more confident and relaxed in the bedroom and so on).
Here’s the thing…
No one is perfect.
Both men and women make mistakes in relationships.
However, if a woman notices that her boyfriend essentially blames her for everything, she may end up growing to resent him and what she refers to as his ‘toxic’ approach to the relationship.
4. She felt like he was holding her back in life
This can happen if a guy is too clingy, needy and wants so much of his woman’s time and attention that she stops pursuing her own goals and dreams.
She has to always put him first and give him her undivided attention, otherwise he will feel insecure and try to make her feel guilty about it.
As a result, she can begin to feel trapped by the relationship, which can make her resent him and see his approach to her as being toxic.
During the relationship, she might end up missing out on doing things that are important to her (e.g. building a career by investing more time into her work, going traveling, getting a degree, spending time with her girlfriends) just to ensure he doesn’t feel left behind, or overlooked by her.
5. He was overly suspicious of her social media account
For example: If a new guy clicked ‘like’ on one of her posts, it could turn into an argument, with accusations of cheating or wanting to cheat, or just a lot of tense questions about who the guy is and why she added him as a friend.
In some cases, it can even get to the point where her boyfriend secretly logs into her account to check her messages, or monitors her online activity in other ways, which she eventually discovers.
When she realizes what he has been doing, she is angry, shocked, disappointed and turned off by what she sees as a toxic approach to relationships.
What a guy in that situation often doesn’t realize is that, in order for a relationship to work, you have to give a woman 100% of your trust and let her be responsible for it.
Don’t pressure her, monitor her, sneakily check up on her and so on.
Just trust and allow the relationship to unfold naturally.
Also know that if you are making her feel respect, attraction and love for you, then she’s almost certainly never going to want to cheat on you, or leave you.
So, there’s nothing to worry about.
You can worry if you want to, but if you do, you will almost certainly end up behaving in ways that she labels as toxic, controlling, insecure or annoying, which may then lead to a breakup.
It’s always better to just trust and let the relationship happen, without feeling the need to monitor or control a woman.
Trust her, love her and get on with enjoying a relationship together.
6. She felt like he was trying to turn her against her family and friends
For example: A guy might…
- Complain to her and say that certain family members, or friends of hers don’t like him and are rude, mean or cold towards him.
- Stop her from spending quality time with them (e.g. if she says, “I’m going to visit my mother today” he might sigh, shake his head and say, “I wanted to go to [somewhere] with you today. I was really looking forward to it”].
- Speak badly about her family or friends and accuse them of trying to break up the relationship, or cause problems between him and her.
- Refuse to get to know her family or friends.
- Continually point out the negative qualities of her family or friends, to hopefully make her no longer want to spend time with them.
Here’s the thing…
Not everyone has a close family and/or circle of friends that they want to see often.
Yet, when a guy is in a relationship with a woman who values and loves her family and friends, he has to be aware of that and adapt to it, rather than trying to stop her from seeing them.
If he can’t adapt, she will begin to feel like her life is getting worse as a result of the relationship, rather than better.
She may also begin to see him as a toxic guy who is creating problems in her life that she doesn’t want.
As a result, she will eventually dump him and try to move on.
7. He often made her feel dumb, stupid or naive and used that as a way of controlling her
For example: He made fun of her dreams, ideas or opinions and tried to make her feel stupid for thinking that way, wanting what she desired or dreaming of achieving certain things in life.
He may have also scolded her if she made a mistake, or pushed her out of the way and angrily finished a task that she was having trouble with (e.g. lifting the garbage out of the bin, cleaning up a broken glass from the floor, rearranging furniture in the house).
He might have also put her down, disrespected her, not stood up for her, or regularly made fun of her in front of other people.
In some cases, a guy will behave like that because he hopes that making her feel stupid will cause her to stick with him and the relationship because no other guy would want a girl who is as dumb, naive or incompetent as her.
That approach can work for a while on some women, but a woman will eventually grow tired of it and realize that her boyfriend’s behavior is manipulative, unloving or what she refers to as ‘toxic.’
8. The relationship made her feel depressed, rather than happy and uplifted the way it should
A relationship should make you feel better, not worse.
So, if a woman notices that she feels worse with her boyfriend than she did while single, or while with previous boyfriends, she will begin to see him as the problem.
She may then begin to see patterns in his behavior that are causing problems between them and leading her to feel depressed, rather than happy and uplifted.
For example: If she doesn’t show enough affection or interest in him, he becomes emotionally sensitive and starts sulking, treating her badly or trying to get emotional revenge.
She then loses more interest and he gets even worse (e.g. loses control of his emotions, cries, becomes very angry or aggressive, or does things to manipulate or hurt her emotionally).
She then begins to see him as a toxic guy and wants out of the relationship.
9. He wasn’t willing to improve how he treated her, no matter how much she did for him
For example: Overall, she was a good, loving, attentive woman to him.
She put in a lot of effort to look attractive, take care of him and make him feel loved and appreciated (e.g. by doing nice things for him, keeping their home clean and tidy, being good to his friends and family, trying to look as physically attractive as possible).
Yet, despite all of her efforts, he took her for granted (e.g. didn’t appreciate any of her efforts, disrespected her family and friends, expected her to always change her plans for him, but got angry if she wanted him to do the same for her, didn’t pull his weight arouse the house or in the relationship, was disrespectful towards her, was emotionally selfish, expected her to wait around in the background of his life while he worked long hours, or played video games, or drank, got high or spent a lot of time with friends).
Initially, she tried to change his attitude and treatment of her through talking, then sulking, then getting into arguments and even threatening to break up with him.
Yet, he didn’t seem to care and may have even gotten angry at her for creating drama and being so demanding of him.
He may have also assumed that because she loves him, she’d just put up with his behavior and stick around.
10. He would never admit when he was wrong
Women know that emotionally mature men take responsibility for their actions.
An emotionally mature man isn’t afraid to say, “Yes, I made a mistake. Sorry” or, “I didn’t realize that. Thanks for letting me know.”
He knows admitting his mistake doesn’t make him lose power with a woman.
Instead, she loves and respects him even more for being so emotionally fearless as a man and for loving her enough to admit when he is wrong.
So, if a woman finds herself in a relationship with a guy who struggles to admit when he is wrong, or never admits when he is wrong, she will naturally feel turned off by him and see his behavior as immature, weak and lacking in maturity.
Additionally, when a guy doesn’t admit his mistakes, the problems don’t go away.
Instead, the problems remain and pop up in all sorts of ways, as they go through everyday life (e.g. he makes a mistake and comes up with endless excuses why it happened, rather than just saying that he made a mistake and trying to do better, or approach it differently the next time).
This results in arguments, frustration and reduces her respect and trust in him as ‘the man’ in the relationship.
Eventually, she gets sick and tired of his emotional immaturity and decides to leave.
If he then asks her why she left him, she might say that the relationship was toxic and was making her unhappy, stressed or depressed.
11. He regularly made her feel unattractive by pointing out things he didn’t like about her physical appearance
For example: She is a normal-looking girl.
If a guy truly loved her, he wouldn’t be focused on trying to find physical flaws or pointing out things that he didn’t like about her physical appearance.
Instead, he’d look at her in a positive light no matter what.
That’s what happens when you truly love someone.
You love them no matter what.
Ironically, loving a woman in that way almost always results in her wanting to look more attractive for you because she wants more of your love.
So, it turns out to be a win-win relationship.
Yet, if a woman finds herself in a relationship with a guy who regularly makes her feel unattractive by pointing out things about her physical appearance that he doesn’t like, she will begin to resent him.
She will see him as the person who is ruining her confidence, making her feel miserable and hating her body, or appearance.
She will then want less and less of his love and attention, until she eventually decides to go through with a breakup.
12. He was always trying to point out the mistakes in her thinking or behavior
While there’s nothing wrong with pointing out mistakes in a loving, supportive way, there is a problem with doing it in a demeaning, belittling kind of way.
If a woman notices that her boyfriend is always criticizing her, or pointing out why she is wrong for thinking or feeling a certain way, she will begin to see him as lacking the ability to love patiently and be supportive in a relationship.
In a relationship, you have to give the other person a chance to learn from their mistakes and realize things in their own time.
If there is too much pressure or criticism from one side, the relationship can begin to feel more harmful, than helpful in a woman’s life.
As a result, she may end up labeling her ex or the relationship as being toxic.
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