When a woman breaks up with a guy, it’s usually because she has lost respect, attraction and love for him over time.
So, if you want to cause your ex begin wanting you back, you have to make her feel the following powerful emotions…
What is respect?
According to the dictionary, respect is defined as:
Respect (noun): A feeling of admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
When a woman loses respect for a guy, it’s usually because he has stopped behaving in ways that allow her to look up to him and admire him.
For example: A guy might be on his best behavior when he first meets a woman and gets to know her, so he acts a lot more confident, assertive, loving or ambitious than he really is.
Then, once they are settled into a relationship, he might stop behaving in those attractive ways and become clingy and self doubting, take her for granted or stop focusing on his goals to spend all his time with her.
When that happens, a woman will likely start to think, “What’s going on here? What happened to the confident/loving/ambitious guy I hooked up with? This guy is too clingy/treating me badly/going nowhere in his life. I’m not sure if I want to be with anymore” and she then begins to lose respect for him.
If the guy doesn’t realize that this is happening and continues thinking and behaving in the same unattractive ways (e.g. being insecure, treating her badly, not following through on his big goals in life), a woman will gradually begin to lose attraction for him.
After a while, she may then break up with him and say something along the lines of, “I just can’t be with you any longer. I don’t respect you anymore. You have become a different person to the guy you were when we first met. I don’t like who you’ve become. It’s over.”
A guy might then try to gain back her respect in all the wrong ways.
For example: He might try to get her to respect him again by…
- Being extra nice to her.
Sometimes, a guy hopes that if he’s really, really nice to his ex (e.g. does everything that she wants, acts like a really good friend who just wants to help her and make her happy, runs errands for her, is supportive when she’s going through tough times) she will suddenly realize that he’s way too valuable to lose and will then change her mind.
Yet, a woman doesn’t care how nice a guy is to her if she doesn’t have strong enough sexual or romantic feelings for him.
Sure, she might appreciate that he’s being a good guy to her after the break up, but most women won’t suddenly think, “Oh well now, this changes everything. He’s being so nice to me, so I have to get back together with him. I can’t lose a good guy! There’s such a shortage of them!”
What most guys don’t realize is that most guys are good guys, especially in their relationships with women.
…and women know that.
So, sucking up to by being really nice doesn’t actually make women think that they must get back with you because you’re way too valuable to lose.
In fact, if a woman realizes that her ex is only acting that way out of desperation, she will lose even more respect for him.
Likewise, if he keeps being nice, generous and giving to her when she is being cold or disrespectful towards him, she will lose respect for him because he doesn’t have the balls to put get her to respect him.
He’s just putting up with her bad behavior so he can be around her, which a woman sees as desperate.
…and desperation in men is a huge turn off for women.
The thing is, a woman doesn’t want a guy to feel like he needs to suck up to her to get her respect back.
To get her respect back, all a guy has to do is show her (by the way he now talks, thinks, behaves, interacts with her and reacts to what she says and does) that he is now the kind of man she can look up to and respect.
So, even though there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a good guy and being nice to a woman, it’s not what will make her respect you and want you again.
The next common mistake that many guys make when trying to regain the respect of an ex woman is…
- Telling her that he will change anything she wants if she will just tell him what to do.
A guy might say something like, “I’ll do anything you want me to do. Just tell me what you want me to change and I’ll do it. I promise. I will do it. Just tell me what you want me to change.”
Yet, asking a woman to tell you what she wants you to change about yourself is actually one of the fastest ways to lose even more of her respect for you.
A woman doesn’t want to be a guy’s teacher about how to be a man in a relationship with a woman.
For her to be able to respect him again, she wants him to be able to figure it out on his own (or get help and not tell her about it) and then make some changes to himself.
When he has done that (i.e. within a few days or a week), he needs to interact with her on a phone call or in person (not via text) and show her that he is now the kind of man that she can feel proud of, look up to, respect and feel attracted to.
By the way…
He doesn’t have to tell her about all the ways he has changed.
He just needs to be the new and improved version of himself and she will pick up on it.
Women are very good at analyzing the details of men’s behavior when they are interacting with them, so she will pick up the subtle (but very important to her) changes that he has made (e.g. he’s more ballsy now, he’s more charismatic, he doesn’t get insecure when she tests his confidence by being cold or bitchy).
Here’s the thing though…
Most women will never admit to you what they really want you to change because they don’t want to teach you the subtle details that really make a woman happy when with a man.
So, if you ask her what she wants you to change, she will almost always tell you things that she doesn’t even really care about (e.g. do the dishes more, buy me more things, listen to me more).
The next mistake that some guys make when trying to regain their ex’s respect is…
- Buying her gifts or paying for some of her expenses.
Sometimes, a guy might say to himself, “My ex said she doesn’t respect me anymore. So, maybe if I lavish her with gifts and take care of some of her expenses, she will see that I’m the kind of guy she can rely on. It will show her that I can support her and that I’m even this generous when she is being cold and bitchy towards me. When I do that, she will then start to respect me again and she will want to give me another chance.”
However, a woman doesn’t respect, feel attracted to and fall in love with a guy because of what he can buy for her.
She respects, feels attracted to and falls in love with him because of the way he makes her feel when he interacts with her.
…and that is free.
It’s based on how you talk, behave and react to her when you are interacting with her.
In other words, when you talk to your ex on the phone or in person, do you make her feel attracted and happy, or turned off and uncomfortable?
That’s what matters.
Yet, a lot of guys don’t know that simple truth, so they hope to buy their ex’s love by showing her how willing they are to spend money on her.
For example: A guy might buy a woman beautiful gifts and pay for her expenses and she might even say, “Thanks, you’re so kind” and be nice to him before ending the phone call or asking him to leave.
Yet, that doesn’t get her back, especially if he was being unattractive by displaying insecurity, self doubt and awkwardness when around her.
Women are attracted to confidence, not insecurity.
So, even though he has probably just spend half or most of his paycheck on her, she doesn’t care and she doesn’t want him back because his behavior doesn’t make her feel sexually attracted to him.
If she finds herself considering giving him another chance out of pity, she might then ask herself, “Do I really want to be with a guy who is trying to earn my respect and love by buying me gifts, even though he doesn’t know how to make me have real feelings for him? Is that going to make me happy? Should I just take advantage of him for a while?”
That’s not the kind of thought pattern you want your woman to be getting into.
It doesn’t work to get an ex back, but in the rare cases where a woman does keep the guy around, she just uses him and doesn’t give him what he wants (i.e. love, affection, sex, commitment).
What really works to get an ex back is to focus on her feelings.
You’ve got to make her feel something for the new and improved version of you (e.g. you’re more confident and emotionally strong now, you’re making progress on your big goals in life, you’re more emotionally masculine, you’re more charismatic).
When she can see for herself that you’re a brand new man, it then feels natural and normal for her to drop her guard and open up to her feelings of respect for you.
So, you first need to focus on getting her respect back.
Then, you need to focus on her feelings of…
What is attraction?
Attraction (noun): A quality or feature about someone that evokes interest, liking or desire.
Without attraction, a woman will find it difficult to connect with her feelings of romantic love for you, so she will just try to move on with another guy who makes her feel attracted.
Where some guys mess up is by trying to make a woman feel attracted in all the wrong ways.
For example: A guy might try to get his ex to feel attracted by…
- Wearing better clothes, losing or gaining some weight or getting a new hairstyle.
When some guys discover that they need to re-spark their ex woman’s feelings of attraction, they immediately make the mistake of thinking about attraction in terms of the physical.
For example: He will start wearing better clothes (e.g. if he’s a jeans and t-shirt kind of guy, he will begin wearing expensive designer clothes), get a new hairstyle and go to the gym in the hopes of losing some weight, or gaining some muscle.
He’s hoping that when he bumps into his ex, she will be impressed by his new look and think, “Wow! My ex has really changed. He’s so hot now. I just love his new clothes/hairstyle/body. I’m so attracted and turned on by him now. I wonder if we can get back together again? I want him!”
Yet, even though a woman might appreciate that the guy has made some improvements to his physical appearance, it’s not the main thing that women focus on.
When deciding whether or not to give her ex another chance, a woman looks for the changes to his way of thinking, conversation style and behavior.
If he’s still the same guy she broke up with (e.g. insecure, jealous, controlling, needy, wimpy), then she’s not going to suddenly feel attracted to him just because he’s wearing nicer clothes, has a new hairstyle or bigger muscles.
So, if you are serious about making your ex want you back, you have to spark her feelings of attraction for you again in the ways that really matter to her.
In other words, don’t waste a lot of time changing your physical appearance (unless it’s something that you want to do for yourself, not for her).
Instead, focus on saying and doing the types of things that are going to keep turning her feelings on for you (e.g. being confident and charismatic, making her laugh and smile when you interact with her, being emotionally masculine and making her feel feminine and girly in your presence).
When you do that, she feels drawn to you again.
From there, you can build on that spark of attraction by showing her that you really are a different man now.
That is the best, quickest way to make your ex begin wanting you back for real.
Another mistake that guys will often make in their attempts to re-attract an ex is…
- Lying or bragging about having other women interested.
For example: He might say to her, “I’m having such a great time being single. I’ve been on quite a few dates since we broke up.”
He’s secretly hoping that the idea of him moving on with another woman will shock her into realizing what a catch he is, which will then trigger her feelings of sexual attraction for him.
Yet, lying or bragging about having other women interested in you rarely works if she currently perceives you in a negative way (e.g. she still thinks you’re insecure, she can see that you don’t even know what she wants you to change to make her feel attracted, she senses that you’re secretly trying to get her back to make yourself feel better).
Rather than suddenly wanting you back because she feels jealous, a turned off ex will think something like, “Good for you. I don’t care. I’m glad you’re moving on. That’s better than you bugging me and trying to get me back when I’m not even attracted to you.”
She then focuses on finding a replacement guy to protect herself from potentially starting to miss her ex and feel jealous that he is moving on faster than her.
In some cases, this leads her to having sex with a guy, enjoying it and finding yet another reason why she doesn’t want her ex back.
By the way…
If your ex finds out that you’re actually lying to her about having other women interested just to make her jealous, it will only make her lose more respect and attraction for you and then getting her back becomes a lot more challenging.
In some cases, a woman might even try to get revenge on you by hooking up with another guy and then telling you all about how great he is the next time you interact with her.
She wants you to know that two can play at that game and women (in most cases) can get laid way easier than men can.
So, don’t waste time trying to trick your ex back.
Instead, focus on becoming more emotionally attractive to her (e.g. be more confident, charismatic, make her laugh and smile when talking to you, especially if she is being bitchy and cold).
When you do that, she will begin associating good emotions (e.g. happiness, excitement, anticipation) with you and naturally begin to open up to the idea of getting back with you.
Another ex back attraction mistake is…
- Texting her in what he thinks is a cool way to hopefully impress her.
Where some guys go wrong is by thinking that they can make an ex woman want to get back together again just via text.
For example: If a woman broke up with a guy because she felt he was too timid in the relationship, he might text something like, “Hey pretty lady, I was thinking about you and I thought I’d make your day by saying hi.”
He’s hoping she’ll think, “Wow, my ex has really changed. He sounds so cool and confident now. He is just so sexy. I need to see him again right away!”
Yet, in most cases, because a woman can’t see a guy’s body language, or gauge his state of mind, she will usually be rolling her eyes and thinking, “Oh boy! That sounds so cheesy! Does he really think I’m going to believe that he’s confident now just because he’s being Mr. Cool via text? It’s easy to hide behind text messages, but I bet if he were looking me in the eyes, he would be the same old insecure, timid guy that I broke up with. I can’t believe he thinks that a crappy little text is going to impress me and make me want him back. Lame. ”
Based on all of my years of experience helping men to get women back, I can confidently say that texting should only be used as a stepping stone to get your ex on a phone call with you.
On the phone call, you can then actively trigger her feelings of attraction by making her smile, laugh and feel good to be talking to you again.
When you do that, her guard comes down and you can then get her to meet up with you in person.
When she experiences the new you in person for herself, she begins to see you with different eyes and her attraction for you naturally and automatically reawakens.
On the other hand, if you try to impress her by hiding behind text messages, she will probably keep reminding herself of all the reasons she broke up with you.
For example: You weren’t ballsy enough, you were too insecure and needy, you didn’t have a plan for your life that you were following through on passionately, you ended up treating her badly in the end and so on.
If she’s only getting texts from you, she will almost always assume that you’re just putting on an act to impress her.
As a result, she will lose even more attraction for you and feel good about her decision to leave you.
What is love?
Love (noun): An intense feeling of deep affection.
Love (verb): To feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone.
When a woman breaks up with a guy, it’s usually because she has gradually disconnected from her feelings of love for him.
She might even say something like, “I just don’t love you anymore,” or “My feelings for you have changed. I don’t feel the same way anymore.”
What that really means is, “I have disconnected myself from the love that I once felt for you. It has been replaced by more negative emotions like disappointment, regret, disgust or apathy.”
Getting the Love Back
What she probably doesn’t even know herself is that her love for him is still alive, but it has simply been pushing into the background and covered over by negative emotions.
To get her love back, you need to get rid of those negative emotions by getting her respect back and then making her feel attracted to you again.
When you do that, she naturally reconnects with the love.
Yet, most guys don’t know about that.
So, a guy might try to get his ex woman to love him again by…
- Explaining how much she means to him.
If a woman doesn’t have feelings for her ex, him saying, “I want you to know that I am still in love with you and I want us to be together again. You mean the world to me and my life is empty and meaningless without you. All I care about is you. You mean everything to me,” isn’t going to make that much of a difference to her.
Essentially, if a woman has lost respect and attraction for a guy, it won’t matter to her that he still cares about her.
She might feel a little bit sentimental about what they once had together and she may feel a bit sad for him, but that isn’t going to make her want him back.
A woman doesn’t want to be with a guy because she feels sorry for him.
She wants to be with him because he makes her feel respect, sexual attraction and love.
So, if you want to make your ex begin wanting you back, don’t bother telling her how you feel.
If she doesn’t love you right now, she won’t really care about how you feel.
Instead, just focus on making her feel the way she wants to feel (i.e. respectful of you, attracted and in love).
When you do that, she will then be happy to hear that you still care about her.
However, if you try to get her back without sparking her feelings for you first, she will just keep pushing you away by saying things like, “I want you to stop texting and calling me. It’s really over between us. Please accept it and move on.”
Another way that guys mistakenly try to get their ex woman to love them again is…
- Explaining to her how difficult it is to find the kind of love that they have experienced together.
Telling a woman that the love you’ve shared together is one of a kind and she will never be able to feel that way again with anyone else is pointless if she’s lost touch with her feelings of respect, attraction and love for you.
In fact, reminding her of how good things used to be and how deep your love used to be, will only highlight to her how bad things are now.
Rather than make her think, “He’s right! What we had together was really special! No matter what else went wrong between us, at least I know her really loves me. I shouldn’t rush into breaking up with him like this. Maybe I should give him another chance,” she will likely be thinking, “Yes, we did love each other very much before, but that’s not enough. Love has to be nurtured and grown over time, not taken for granted and ruined over time. He just expects me to love him regardless of all the things he’s done in the meantime to kill that love inside of me. It might be difficult to find another guy who loves me like he does, but I’m not willing to settle for a relationship with a guy who doesn’t make me feel the way I want to feel just because he loves me, or because our love used to be great once.”
So, don’t waste time trying to get her to realize how great the love and relationship used to be.
Just make her feel attracted to the man that you are now.
Remember: How you make her feel right now and from now on is what really counts, not how you used to make her feel in the past.
Another mistake that guys make is…
- Telling her that he will wait for her to change her mind.
If a woman is saying things like, “Leave me alone. It’s really over between us,” a guy might try to convince her to change her mind by saying something like, “Look, I know that right now you feel as though you can’t love me anymore, but don’t rush into making a decision. Let’s just take some time apart to think things through. I will wait for you no matter how long it takes. Just promise me you will think about it. I know that we can make things work between us. I am willing to wait as long as it takes.”
He might then give her weeks and even months of space in the hopes that the time apart will make her realize how much she still loves him.
Yet, in most cases this simply doesn’t work.
When a woman has lost respect, attraction and love for a guy, not hearing from him for a long time actually helps her get over him even faster.
While he’s being a good guy and waiting in the wings for her to come back, she is using the time apart to get over the pain of the break up and possibly even find a replacement guy.
Then, when he contacts her after a long time, rather than her saying, “I’m so glad you gave me the time apart. I’ve had a chance to think things through and I now see that you and I were meant to be together. Let’s get back together! Yayy!” she will likely say something like, “I’m sorry. It’s too late. I’ve already moved on. I’m seeing someone else now.”
Although it’s totally fine to give a woman a few days of space after a break up to allow things to calm down between you and her, anything longer than 3 to 7 days usually causes more harm than good.
So, don’t wait around at home hoping that your ex will suddenly realize her mistake and begin wanting you back.
It usually doesn’t happen that way.
If you want to make your ex begin wanting you back, you need to trigger the powerful emotions of respect, attraction and love inside of her.
She then naturally drops her guard and the idea of getting back with you begins to sound good to her.