Just because you’re giving your ex space to figure things out, it doesn’t mean that you have to sit around waiting and doing nothing.
Instead, I recommend that you use the time to understand what really caused her to want to break up with you and then make some changes to improve those things about yourself.
Then, when you when you interact with her again she will see that you’re no longer at the same level you were at when she broke up with you.
She then begins to wonder, “What’s going on here? This is not the same guy I broke up with. I wish he was like this before. I like this new version of him. Why do I no longer feel like I need to push him away?” and she feels drawn to you.
From there, you can build on that spark of attraction and show her that things really are different now.
Preparing to Get Her Back
You can get your ex back after the time you and her spend apart, but to ensure that you succeed, it’s best to use this time wisely.
Here are 4 things that you can do while giving your ex space to figure things out, that will re-spark her feelings of respect and attraction for you when you interact with her again.
1. Get Rid of Your Insecurities
As painful as it might be to admit, there has to be a very good reason why your ex is currently taking a break from you, and not in your arms right now hugging you, kissing you and enjoying a great relationship with you.
So, the first thing you need to do while you’re giving your ex space to figure things out, is get rid of any insecurities that you might have had during your relationship with her, which were turning her off.
For example: If a guy felt like he “got lucky” when he met his girlfriend and couldn’t normally attract and pick up a woman like her, he might eventually begin to feel insecure about his value to her.
As the relationship is beginning, he may think things like, “Wow, I can’t believe my luck! This girl is hot! I can’t imagine why a beautiful girl like her is interested in a guy like me. She’s too good for me, but I’m going to see if I can make this work.”
Yet, by putting her above himself in terms of attractive value (i.e. by thinking that she’s too good for him), he automatically creates feelings of insecurity, which then begin to change his thinking, behavior and actions.
As a result of feeling insecure, he might then become clingy (e.g. by spending all his time with her to the exclusion of his friends, hobbies or interests), needy (e.g. by asking her repeatedly, “Do you still love me?” or “Have you ever loved anyone else in the same way as me?” or “Are you fully over your ex boyfriend?” or “Do you think you would ever cheat on me or leave me?”) and jealous (e.g. by getting upset if she talks to other guys or wants to do something with her girlfriends and doesn’t invite him).
Although his intentions might be good, that type of behavior turns a woman off at a deep level. Why?
Being clingy, needy or jealous are not things that women find attractive about men.
A woman does want her man to want her and appreciate her in his life, but she doesn’t want to get the sense that he needs her for his emotional security and sense of identity in the world.
She wants him to be an emotionally strong man with or without her support or reassurance.
So, when a man is being insecure around her, she feels turned off by what she perceives to be his emotional weakness.
She feels as though without her, he is just a lost, emotionally weak guy who doesn’t yet know what it means to be a man.
Some unattractive or manipulative women do like it when men are lost and emotionally weak, because they can control the guy with a threat of a break up and dump him without a thought if they find a better guy.
However, attractive, normal-minded women do not want to get stuck with an emotionally weak or needy guy.
So, if you have been insecure and that is one of the main reasons why your ex dumped you, she will be looking to see if that has changed the next time you interact with her.
No matter what she says to you, how she is treating you (e.g. cold, bitchy, distant), or how much she tries to get you to react in your old ways, you need to remain confident and emotionally strong.
When she can see for herself that things are different and that you are no longer the same guy that she broke up with, she will begin to feel drawn to you again.
Yet, not all guys prepare themselves to succeed like that and end up turning their ex off even further.
For example: Sometimes, a guy will wait weeks for his ex to contact him and when she finally does, she discovers that he’s still insecure, still needy and still doesn’t know how to be a confident, emotionally strong man that she can look up to and respect.
Even though he might try to hide his insecurity from her by pretending not to be interested in getting back together, all she has to do is say something like, “I’ve figured things out now… I think I want to get back together again. What do you think? Do you think it’s a good idea?” to test him.
If he then jumps at the idea and excitedly says something along the lines of, “Yes! Yes! Yes! My life has been hell without you. I love you so much. I need you. Yes! Let’s get back together again,” she will know his indifference was just an act and she will close herself off from him even more.
2. Improve Your Ability to Attract Her
A mistake that a lot of guys make is only thinking about a woman’s attraction to a man in terms of the physical.
So, when a guy learns that he needs to improve his ability to attract his ex, he may assume that it means he needs to improve on his physical appearance to get her back.
He might then go out and buy new clothes and shoes, or go to the gym and workout, in the hopes that when he interacts with his ex, she will take one look at his new and improved appearance and instantly feel attracted to him again.
Yet, that’s not how it works.
Although a man’s physical appearance is one aspect of what attracts a woman, it isn’t as powerful as her emotional attraction to him (i.e. the way he makes her feel when she’s with him).
- Does he make her feel feminine and girly in contrast to his masculine vibe and approach to the interaction, or does she feel more like a friend, or big sister when she’s with him?
- Is he confident and self-assured, or does he crumble when faced with challenges in life?
- Does he make her feel safe and protected because he’s rising through the levels of life like a real man, or does she feel like she has to take care of him because he’s afraid to live up to his true potential as a man?
- Is he emotionally strong, or is he clingy, needy and insecure?
- Does she look up to him and respect him, or does she look down on him and feel like she has to be his teacher in life on how to be the kind of man that she needs him to be?
- Is he the dominant one in the relationship, or does she wear the pants?
These are the kinds of things that a woman looks for and finds most attractive in a man.
So, when a man isn’t able to give her the attraction experience that she wants because he is lacking in those areas, she will usually break up with him and say something along the lines of, “I don’t know how I feel about you anymore. I just need some space to figure things out.”
A guy might then think that the best way to re-attract her is to redo his wardrobe, add some muscle, get a better haircut and spray on a trendy cologne.
Yet, those things are superficial and a woman know it.
If you’re serious about getting your ex back, you have to improve your ability to attract her based on who you are when you interact with her.
She is much more interested in how you think, feel, talk, behave and act around her than what you’re wearing or how you look.
3. Get to a Point Where You Want Her, But Don’t Need Her
There’s a big difference between wanting to get your ex back, and needing to get her back.
If you need her and can’t seem to function properly without her, she will pick up on that neediness when you next interact and may say something like, “Look, I’m not sure about this. I still haven’t figured things out. I need more time.”
Essentially, she’s just trying to keep you at a distance so she can move on without you because she can see that you still don’t understand how to be the kind of man she needs.
So, before you do anything else to get your ex back, you first have to get to the point where you feel happy without her in your life.
Of course, you would be excited and happy if she called you up right now and said, “I want to get back together.”
However, you need to also be okay if she said, “It’s over. I never want to see you again.”
I know that it’s not easy, but you need to do get to that point emotionally, otherwise you just won’t be very emotionally attractive to her.
Women are not attracted to neediness.
You’ve got to be able to feel more emotionally independent and be happy, confident and excited about life with or without her.
However, if you need her back and simply cannot handle the thought of being without her, then you’re not ready to get her back.
The thing is, even if you try to hide it, women are very perceptive and can sense when a guy is putting on act of pretending to be fine without her.
If you want your ex back, you have to get to the point where you truly believe, “If my ex wants to get back together with me, it will be great, but if she decides that she doesn’t want to do that, I’ll still be happy without her.”
When you can feel happy and emotionally fulfilled without her and then let her experience that on a phone call or in person with you, something amazing happens…
Suddenly you seem more attractive to her and she begins to wonder, “How can this be? He said that he still loves me and wants us to get back together again, but instead of being sad and depressed, he’s happy. This is so uncharacteristic of him. I was expecting him to be needy and desperate, but he’s not. I think I like this new version of my ex. He’s like a real man now. I like this. Why am I feeling this way?”
A lot of guys make the mistake of trying to show a woman that they are NOT happy without her, because they don’t want to give her the impression that they don’t need her.
Yet, that is a huge mistake.
A woman’s attraction for a man works completely different to a man’s attraction for a woman.
Women are attracted to men who can remain emotionally strong under pressure and who are not dependent on a woman for their sense of confidence, identity or happiness in life.
Without having to think about it, a woman instinctively understands that only a guy who is emotionally strong can feel happy without her, which means that all the behaviors that were turning her off about him in the past (e.g. his insecurity, self-doubt, neediness) are no longer a major part of who he is.
He’s a different man now and she feels drawn to him because he has the traits and behaviors that she can look up to, respect and feel attracted to.
Naturally, your ex might be initially confused about why she feels attracted to the new new version of you, but she won’t be able to stop herself from feeling drawn to you.
4. Get Ready to Guide Her Back Into a Relationship.
As the man, you have to be masculine enough to take the lead and guide her back into a relationship with you, rather than waiting and hoping that she will figure things out and do it for you.
Most of the time, when a guy doesn’t get another chance with his ex, it’s usually because he’s been waiting too long for her to come back on her own, or he fumbles when she gives him a subtle chance to get her back.
For example: A woman might text her ex as way to open up the lines of communication between him and her.
The right thing for him to do then is to text her back and then call her up to get her smiling, laughing and feeling happy to be talking to him.
From there, he needs to then arrange a time to catch up in person, where he can continue to actively trigger her feelings of attraction for him again.
However, where some guys go wrong, is rather than call or text her back, the guy completely ignores her texts as a way of not seeming needy.
He may think, “If I text back, she’s going to think that I have nothing else going on in my life and that I’ve just been waiting around all this time for her to figure things out.”
Yet, here’s the thing…
To get your ex back, you need to be a man about this.
You have to be the one who guides her back into a relationship with you.
You can’t sit around playing pointless mind games with her, and then feeling hurt or disappointed when she moves on because you didn’t act on her subtle hints that she wants you back.
Some guys might ask, “Why can’t she just tell that she wants to get back together rather than hinting at it?”
The reason is because you are the man and if you want to get your woman back, you have to be the more emotionally courageous one who guides her back into the relationship.
When getting a girlfriend (fiancé or wife) back, you have to be the stronger one.
If you can do that, your ex will start to look up to you and respect you again.
When a woman respects you, she will be able to connect with her feelings of attraction and when that happens, she will begin to love the new you.
On the other hand, if she doesn’t respect you, she won’t be able to feel much attraction for you and her heart will remain closed.