Here’s what you can do to convince your ex that the relationship is worth saving:
1. Let her know that the spark is still there in the background
Just because you and her have broken up and she currently isn’t interested in getting back together, it doesn’t mean that the spark between you and her is completely dead.
She might feel like the spark dead and even be saying things like, “It’s over. There’s nothing left between us worth saving. I don’t love you anymore,” but the spark is still there and the relationship is worth saving.
She can’t see that at the moment though because she is focusing on her negative feelings for you (e.g. anger, disappointment, regret).
To change how she feels, start by letting her know that the spark between you and her is still there, even if she hasn’t wanted to connect to it since the break up.
Additionally, if you and her catch up and she experiences a renewed sense of respect and attraction for the man you’ve become, she will be happy and most likely even excited about the new feelings she has for you.
Of course, you need to reassure that you understand she probably doesn’t believe that right now.
It’s only natural that she would doubt it, because she is currently focused on her negative feelings for you, so it’s not possible for her to feel happy and excited at the moment.
Yet, if you and her do catch up, she will be surprised at how much she feels for you now that you have changed.
For example: If you’re talking to her on a phone call (not via text!) or in person, you can say something like, “Hey, I know that I stuffed up and based on my previous behavior, there’s no reason for you to believe that our relationship is worth saving. However, I just want you to know that I’m not that guy anymore. I don’t expect you to believe me just because I’m saying so. All I ask is for a chance to show you. We can be friends and you can then experience for yourself whether I’m telling the truth or not. Then, if you feel differently about me, you might then feel like giving our relationship another chance. That’s all I ask. No pressure.”
Of course, saying that to her isn’t guaranteed to make any woman forgive you and restart a relationship immediately.
Instead, at the very least, it makes her drop her guard a little bit and begin to think things like, “Hmmm… maybe he has changed. He’s actually handling our break up in a more mature and emotionally strong way than I expected. So, I guess I don’t have anything to lose if I give him a chance to show me whether or not he has really changed.”
2. Let her know that a reunited relationship feels twice as good if it’s done right
Once she seems more open to talking, you can explain to her that falling back in love after a break up is one of the most amazing feelings a couple can ever experience together.
You can say, “You and I have a lot of history together. I know you…and you know me. If we can learn from our mistakes and become better people, it sets us up for an even better relationship. Likewise, if we can take all the good things about each other from before and add them to who we are now, we can build a relationship that is even stronger and better than it used to be. Being able to get through a rough patch and fix things means that, the next time around, our relationship will automatically be more mature and more connected than it used to be. Our love will be even stronger. We won’t experience those problems again. We will be a better couple. There’s no need to run from that and there’s every reason to run towards it.”
If your ex loved you before and is still kind of open to getting back with you, then she will almost certainly get back with you at that point.
If she isn’t sure about being with you anymore, then the idea of having a better relationship with you will instinctively appeal to her.
A woman’s natural instinct is to try to stick with a relationship for life.
This has a lot to do with her primal breeding instincts.
Even if you and her don’t have children or don’t ever want children, she still has the natural instincts of a woman to find and keep a good man, who would stick around and protect, provide and support her if offspring were created.
This is big part of the reason why women usually take a long time to eventually break up with a guy.
Her instincts are telling her to make it work, so if you can honestly improve yourself, let her experience that and then tell her that a new relationship would be even better, it will connect with her instinctive need to keep a relationship together.
When talking to her, you can also mention that you’ve heard of so many couples getting back together and their relationship being better than it was before.
Let her know that it happens that way if a couple improves and changes and becomes an even better couple as a result of the mistakes that were made.
For example: Maybe it was you who made a lot of the mistakes in the relationship.
If that’s the case, then she would have never gotten to experience the depths of the love and attraction that was possible between you and her.
She could be so much happier, so much more in love and so much more fulfilled this time around.
3. Tell her that she only lives once and if she misses out on experiencing this, she’ll never know
Initially, your ex might be a bit resistant to the idea of giving your relationship another chance.
She might even say things like, “I don’t know if it’s such a good idea. What if we get back together and I end up being hurt all over again? I’m not sure if I want to risk it.”
Of course, trying to convince her that the relationship is worth saving because you feel so much for her and saying things like, “You and I are meant to be together. I just know in my heart that our relationship is worth saving. If you only give us a chance, I’m sure we can make it work. Even if you don’t feel a lot of love for me, I have enough love for the both us. Please give us a chance,” will rarely make her change her mind. Why?
If she’s not feeling enough respect and attraction for you right now, knowing that you still have feelings for her just isn’t going to matter to her.
The feelings have to mutual for her to care about how much you care.
It can’t all be about how much you care and how much you need her or want her.
If you make her feel that way, she will feel as though you’re trying to pressure her into doing something she doesn’t want.
So, a better way to react if she says something like that, is by saying something along the lines of, “Sure, you can walk away from our relationship and never look back if you want to. Yet, if you do, you will never know if we could have had the kind of relationship that people only dream of. Just for a minute, allow yourself to believe that what I’m telling you is for real. Imagine that I am now actually the guy that you’ve always wanted me to be. When we get back together again, we’re going to have the kind of relationship that you and I have always wanted. We’re going to be happy and in love and it’s going to keep getting better and better over time. We will be one of those couples that other people look at and wonder how we are so happy and in love. On the other hand, imagine that you walk away right this minute and then spend the rest of your life going through relationship after relationship because nothing ever feels right. Do you really want to do that? Life is just too short not to take this chance with me. Put it this way. If we give it another shot and it doesn’t work out, you’ll never have any doubts that you made a mistake. On the other hand, if you give me another chance and it does work out, you will be grateful that you did because you and I will be happy together for life.”
By saying something like that to her, you plant seeds of doubt in her mind about her desire to want to remain broken up.
She starts wondering, “What if he’s right? What if I do walk away and regret it for the rest of my life? What if he ends up being the one that got away and I end up with a guy who I never really love? What if I get get married to someone else and then get divorced because I can’t ever seem to fully move on and be happy?” and she then becomes more open to giving you another chance.
You can then…
4. Tell her that you and her don’t have to commit to anything other than a week of being back together
If she still seems a bit nervous about trying again because she doesn’t want to commit to a long term relationship right away, then put her mind at ease.
Tell her that all you and her need to really commit to is giving the relationship a try for another week.
Then, after a week, if she decides that she still doesn’t feel like the relationship is worth saving, you will respect her wishes, stop trying to get her back and never contact her ever again, if that’s what she wants.
Note: Saying that you will never contact her ever again will tug at her heartstrings if she is actually starting to feel respect, attraction and love for you again.
She won’t want that to be the outcome and as a result, she will have an additional little reason to try and make the relationship work during the week that you are back together.
During the week, you must focus on reawakening and building on her feelings of respect, sexual attraction and love for you.
Make her feel so much that, by the end of the 7 days, she will be saying, “I’m so glad you encouraged me take this chance with you. I can’t believe I almost lost you forever. Thank you for not giving up on our love. I’m so happy now. I now that we can make this work.”
How can you make her feel that way?
You need to…
5. Show her that you really have changed the things that she broke up with you for
Nothing is more convincing to a woman that a relationship is worth saving than seeing that her guy is now at a completely different level to the one he was at when she dumped him.
Not only has he understood where he went wrong, but he has also taken steps to quickly change and improve and become a better man as a result.
So, before you do anything else to get her back, I recommend that you get clear on what caused her to break up with you in the first place.
For example: Ask yourself…
- What was it about my thinking and behavior that turned her off? (e.g. Did I become too insecure and emotionally dependent on her? Did I take her for granted? Did her and I end up wanting different things in the relationship)?
- What do I think was missing from our relationship? (e.g. did she feel more like my friend or roommate, rather than my woman? Did the spark die out? Was the sex too boring or even non-existent?)
- Did she want me to behave in a way that I wasn’t aware of? (e.g. more ballsy, more motivated and purpose oriented, more affectionate, less of a loner).
- Was I trying to get her to accept things about me that just aren’t attractive? (e.g. my insecurity about my value to her, my jealous or controlling behavior)?
When you really think about where you went wrong with your ex, you can then change and improve the things that actually matter to her.
Then, when you interact with her and you let her know that a reunited relationship feels twice as good when done right, she will be able to believe you because she will be felling a renewed sense of respect and attraction for you already.
On the other hand, if she can see that you’re just saying that a new relationship would be better, but nothing about you has improved, she won’t be interested in starting again.
3 Mistakes That Other Guys Often Make When in Your Situation
Many guys find themselves in your situation (i.e. dumped by a woman they love and she isn’t interested in saving the relationship, even though he is a good guy and is promising to do better this time around).
As a result, many guys make one or more of the following mistakes, which only pushes her away even further…
1. Explaining all of his deep feelings in a letter
As you may have noticed so far in this article, at no point have I told you to express your feelings via text, e-mail or letter.
There is a very good reason for that.
When you simply write things to her, she doesn’t get any first hand, real life evidence that you have changed and as a result, she assumes that you’re still the same.
For example: She can’t hear the confident tonality of your voice, so she assumes that you are feeling insecure and unsure of yourself, which turns her off.
She can’t see your confident body language, so she imagines that if you said that to her in person and she was being cold and distant, you would probably begin to look nervous and unsure of yourself.
This is why it’s never a good idea to hide behind texts, letters or e-mails with an ex woman.
A woman’s attraction for a man works differently to a man’s attraction for a woman.
Women need to interact with a man either on the phone or in person, to get a feel for how he is coming across (i.e. Is he confident or nervous? Is he angry or easy-going? Is he desperate or calm?).
Some guys don’t want to face up to a potential rejection if they call their ex woman or talk to her in person, so they hide behind text.
For example: If a guy finds it difficult to express himself in person (e.g. he tends gets angry or upset, becomes tongue-tied and says the wrong things), he might feel like his best option is to write everything down in a long letter.
He hopes to make his ex understand just how much she means to him and how desperately he wants her back.
Yet, this rarely works out in the way a guy hopes.
Unfortunately, even though he’s being 100% honest and sincere, to his ex it’s just a bunch of words on a screen (or a piece of paper).
Firstly, if all he is doing is writing her a letter without first sparking her feelings of respect and attraction for him even a little bit, she’s not going to really care how he feels.
The feelings have to be mutual or at least kind of mutual, before a woman will care how you feel.
It can’t all be about him getting her back because of how much he feels for her or needs her.
Secondly, because she can’t see his body language, look into his eyes, or at least hear the tonality of his voice, an ex woman will usually judge a guy based on the last impression that she had of him (i.e. when she broke up with him).
If he didn’t take the break up well (e.g. he begged and pleaded for another chance, sulked to her or possibly even cried), she will remember that and assume he is still the same emotionally weak guy.
So, although it seems like a guy is doing a nice, noble thing by writing out all of his feelings and explaining how much a woman means to him, it doesn’t appear that way to her.
In fact, many women see the old ‘letter to an ex’ approach as a selfish act, because it’s usually all about the guy’s feelings, wants and needs.
A guy will add in compliments about her and tell her how wonderful she is, but it doesn’t mean much or anything to a woman if the feelings aren’t mutual.
Another mistake that guys make in your situation is…
2. Not being assertive enough to get her to meet up with him in person
Even when a woman still has feelings for her ex, she won’t necessarily make it easy for him to get her back.
If he asks her to meet up with him, she might say things like, “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea,” or “I’m not ready to see you yet.”
In most cases, she is simply testing him to see if he’s got the confidence and emotional strength to persevere and get a meet up with her, or if he will become nervous, self-doubting and give up.
Depending on his reaction, she will either feel a resurgence of respect and attraction for him for being man enough to go after what he wants in life (i.e. her), of she will lose respect and attraction for him for doubting himself giving up so easily.
So, if you want your ex back, don’t give up until she agrees to see you in person.
Of course, that doesn’t mean you should bully her or try to force her into meeting up.
Instead, just make her feel so good to be interacting with you again over the phone (e.g. by making her laugh and smile), that the idea of saying “No” doesn’t even cross her mind.
If she does say, “No” to a meet up, be assertive in a loving manner.
For example: Laugh and say, “Okay, well let’s never, ever meet up again!” and have a laugh with her about it.
Then say, “No, look…there’s no need to be so dramatic about it. We are mature enough to catch up for 10 minutes and say hi as friends. There’s nothing wrong with us catching up for a coffee and saying goodbye in a friendly way. We can do that. So, let’s catch up tomorrow or the next day. I can do 6pm tomorrow, or 3pm the next day. Which is best for you?”
Essentially, don’t give up at the first sign of resistance because, in many cases, a woman will simply be testing her ex’s confidence and resolve.
She wants to see what kind of man he really is.
Of course, if she says, “Absolutely not! I will never meet up with you again,” then you will need to use another approach to get her to calm down and open up to catching up with you to say hi.
Remember: Human emotions aren’t permanent.
Humans always change how they feel about things and you can make a woman go from hating you, to forgiving you, to accepting you, liking you, feeling attracted to you and loving you again.
Couples all over the world break up and get back together all the time.
Your relationship and your woman is unique, but at the end of the day, both of you are still human.
Humans can change how they feel and you will see evidence of that all around you as you watch couples break up and get back together.
Another mistake that guys often make in your situation, is…
3. Trying to get her back before he’s made her feel a renewed sense of respect and attraction for him
Some guys focus more on what they want (i.e. to get their ex back), than on making her feel that way she needs to feel to open back up to having a relationship.
Approaching the ex back process in that way is doing thing backwards.
The correct way to approach the ex back process is to focus on making her feel a renewed sense of respect and attraction for you, as you interact with her.
Interact with her and make her feel sparks of respect, attraction and love.
Not via text.
On a phone call or in person.
Make her feel attracted to you again and then, the idea of getting back with you seems like the next, natural step.
On the other hand, if you don’t spark her feelings for you first and just focus on telling her how much you love her, or on reminding her about how good things used to be in the past, she’s not going to change her mind.
What matters to her is how you make her feel right now.
So, focus on making her smile, laugh and feel good every time you interact with her.
Let her feel good when interacting with you.
Don’t make it all about you and how much you want or need her back.
Make the feelings mutual (or at least kind of mutual) before you try to do anything else.
If you approach the ex back process in that way, she will want to save the relationship just as much as you do.