If your ex is pushing you away by saying things like, “I don’t want to give you another chance because I’m afraid of getting hurt again,” here are 3 possible reasons why…
1. She Knows That You Can Make Her Fall in Love With You Again, But She Also Knows That You Will Continue to Make the Same Old Mistakes
Often, when a guy realizes that his woman is feeling unhappy in the relationship and is about to dump him, he will try whatever it takes to make her change her mind so he doesn’t lose her.
For example: A guy might start making all sorts of promises and saying things like, “Please baby, don’t give up on me. I love you so much and I promise to change. Whatever it is that you want me to do to make you happy, I’ll do it. Just give me one more chance. I promise… this time I really will change.”
In most cases, when a woman really loves a guy, she will agree and give him another chance initially because she doesn’t want to lose him.
Yet, if he breaks his word to her again and again, she will begin to push her love for him into the background and allow more negative feelings such as anger, disappointment and betrayal, to give her the courage to break up with him for real this time.
If the guy then tries to get her back by making even more promises, she will push him away by saying something like, “No. I don’t want to get hurt by you again. I just don’t trust you anymore. You’ve broken your promises to me many times already. Enough is enough. I’m not going through this with you anymore.”
She knows that he can make her love him, but she also knows that he is probably going to keep making the same old mistakes and expect her to put up with it.
If she’s given him chances before, she will know that she’s just going to have to go through another break up with him if she gives him another chance.
So, to get her back, he must first understand her real reasons for breaking up with him (e.g. he wasn’t manly enough in his behavior, or he was too giving to her and she ended up feeling like she was using him), rather than the excuses she might be giving him.
If he can truly change and let her experience that on a phone call or in person, she will begin to open back up to him again because she will be able to see that things really would be different this time around.
However, if he doesn’t change, she will remain closed up and give him a vague reason why she can’t get back with him (e.g. “I need more time” or, “I love you, but I can’t be with you right now,”).
Here are 9 common reasons why a woman will give a vague break up reason…
- She doesn’t want to hurt his feelings.
- She knows that if she gives him too much information about what is turning her off, he will easily talk her out of her decision because she still cares about him and feels attracted to him.
- She doesn’t want to have to take on the role of being his teacher and have to educate him on how to be the man that she needs him to be.
- She, like almost all women, is afraid of a guy getting aggressive or even violent if they break up with him directly.
- She is tired of having to explain everything and doesn’t want to keep taking on that responsibility.
- She wants to give herself some time to find a replacement guy, so she won’t be the one who is left behind if he moves on before her.
- She wants to see what it would be like to not be in a relationship. Will she enjoy being alone? Will she enjoy going out with her single girlfriends?
- She wants to make him feel like he is fully losing her, to hopefully get him to wake up and start being the man she really wants.
- She wants to hurt him by stringing him along and treating him badly, to get back at him for how he treated her during the relationship.
This is why most women will just give a guy a vague break up excuse and then get away from him as quickly as possible before he makes her change her mind.
The guy is then left feeling lost, confused and potentially even angry at her for leaving him like that.
If he starts begging for another chance, he will turn her off.
If he becomes extra nice, sweet and considerate to suck up to her, he will turn her off.
If he gets angry and starts calling her names or treating her badly, he will turn her off.
So, what should he do instead?
Remain calm, understand the real reasons why she is ending it, begin fixing those things, apologize and then re-attract her.
When you fully understand where you went wrong with her, you can then interact with her (e.g. on a phone call, or in person) and let her experience (via the way you talk, think, behave and interact with her) that you are no longer the same guy that she broke up with.
For example: If a woman broke up with a guy because he was overly protective and jealous of her, when he interacts with her and she talks about other guys, or acts cold and indifferent towards him, he needs to show her that he no longer reacts like that anymore.
Where previously he might have gotten angry or upset with her, he now just laughs and makes a joke of her behavior.
For example: She says, “I was walking around the shopping mall today and some guys whistled at me. I was so embarrassed.”
To show her that he has changed and is no longer the jealous type, he can laugh and say, “Of course they whistled. Who wouldn’t? You’re hot. Why didn’t you go and chat to them? You should have given them your phone number. You’re so shy” and then have a laugh.
She will then think, “Huh? That’s not what he’s normally like. He would have been angry at me and we would have gotten into a fight. Now, he’s encouraging me to move on without him? He has changed.”
Since he seems to be pushing her away, it creates a gap between him and her that she doesn’t want to be there.
All of a sudden, she is feeling attracted to him and considering him again as a boyfriend (or husband) and he’s not even chasing her.
Yet, he is still being a good man by giving her a compliment and telling her that she is hot.
This confuses her and makes her want to interact with him more to see if he really has changed.
If he has, she will naturally feel attracted to him and want to give him another chance.
Alternatively, if a woman broke up with a guy because he took her for granted and made her feel unloved and unappreciated (e.g. by not committing to her, treating her like crap), he now needs to show her (via his actions) that he understands his mistake and that he’s working towards becoming a better man and a better boyfriend (fiancé or husband) as a result.
It’s not about sucking up to her and trying really hard to prove that you’re such a nice guy now.
Just be the cool, confident guy that you’ve always been, but add in some niceness as well.
Don’t go overboard with it though.
When a woman dumps a guy for taking her for granted, she doesn’t want to see him desperately change into a Super Nice Guy and suck up to her.
She wants him to remain being the cool, confident guy that he is and just add in some more niceness, sweetness and kindness from now on.
Another reason why your ex might fear getting hurt if she gets back with you is…
2. She Feels Like You Might Get Her Back, Make Her Fall in Love and Then Break Up With Her to Get Revenge
Sometimes, if a woman has had a bad experience with a previous relationship where the guy tried to get revenge for breaking up with him, she might fear that her current ex will do the same thing to her.
Alternatively, if while in a relationship with her, her ex has previously said something like, “If you ever break up with me, I don’t know if I will be able to stop myself from doing something crazy to get back at you,” or “I never let a woman dump me. I’m always the one who does the dumping,” or, “If you ever broke up with me, I would make you regret it,” she may feel nervous about getting back with him again.
Likewise, if he said something like that while she was dumping him, her guard will be up and she will be expecting him to try to get revenge on her in some way.
In the back of her mind, she will be thinking something like, “I remember what he said when we were together. What if he just wants me back so that he can make me fall in love with him again and then dump me to get his revenge? I know that he might really want me back, but what if he doesn’t and it’s all a ploy to teach me a lesson for hurting him? Do I really want to take the risk of getting hurt again?” and then she may just decide that it’s just not worth it for her.
So, to make your ex believe that you’re not going to do something like that to her, you need to put her mind at ease by having an honest, heart-to-heart conversation with her about her fears.
For example: You call her up on the phone and after a bit of chit chat, you say something like, “I know that you’re afraid right now of getting hurt again if you get back with me. It’s only natural that you might feel nervous and you may even be thinking that I only want you back so that I can make you love me again and then dump you or something crazy like that. I know that you probably won’t believe me if I tell you that I would never do a thing like that to you, so all I’m asking is for you to give me a chance to prove it to you. Let’s just hang out as friends for a while and get to know each other again based on the people that we are now, rather than the people we used to be. We don’t even have to get back together if you don’t want. Let’s just catch up and say hi. You are in control. I’m going to accept whatever happens, but I would like us to be able to meet and say hello based on the people we are now…even if you decide that you don’t want to see me again after that.”
She then begins to wonder, “If he really wanted to get revenge on me, would he really be that honest with me?” and she then drops her guard and opens herself up to the idea of at least meeting up to see how things go.
From there, you need to use every interaction you have with her (e.g. over the phone and in person) to spark her feelings of trust, respect and attraction for you and make her want to be more than just friends.
3. She Thinks That You’re Too Good For Her and is Worried That You Will Eventually Realize it
If a woman is insecure about her attractiveness (e.g. she thinks that she’s not very pretty, she’s a bit overweight, she doesn’t like her face, butt or thighs), she might fear that you will one day realize you are too good for her.
She worries that you will realize that you can get a more attractive woman and will just coldly dump her when that happens.
Alternatively, in some instances, a guy might be very successful, or from a wealthy family, while his ex is not well educated, or comes from a poor background.
She might then think, “Why does such a rich, successful guy like him want a woman like me? He’s just too good for me. Maybe right now he’s romanticizing our relationship, but when reality sinks in, he will realize that I’m just not good enough for him and that he can get another woman who is better educated and more successful than me. Then, he will just dump me. I don’t think I can bear the pain of losing him again. I think it’s better if I just move on and find guy who isn’t out of my league.”
If you genuinely love and appreciate your ex and believe that she’s the woman you want, it’s up to you to show her (via the way you talk, think, behave, interact with her and respond to what she says and does) that you do.
Initially, she might try to push you away, but when she realizes that you want her for who she is, she will almost certainly change her mind because the idea of losing you becomes more painful to her than her fear of not being good enough for you.
You can say to her, “I know that we come from different backgrounds (or have different careers or qualifications), but I love you for you. It’s not about who has the better job, who’s family is wealthier or the differences in our childhood or upbringing. What matters is how you and I make each other feel, how much we love each other and how much more we can love each other and enjoy a great life together.”
As long as you have made her feel attracted to you again before saying that, she will be open to hearing it and excited.
However, if you try to skip the re-attraction part of the process and go straight into telling her something like that, she will remain closed up.
If You Want to Convince Her to Change Her Mind, Don’t Make These Classic Mistakes
When a woman is saying, “I’m afraid of getting hurt again if I get back with you,” it’s only natural that a guy might try to say and do whatever he can to convince her that his intentions are pure.
However, sometimes a guy will go overboard and rather than make her change her mind, he actually scares her off even more.
So, if you want to convince your ex to try again, avoid making these classic mistakes:
1. Continually promising her that you won’t hurt her, to the point where you seem desperate, too sweet and too romantic as you pour your heart out to her.
For example: A guy might say to his ex, “I know that right now you’re scared I might hurt you again, but I promise you that it will never happen again. I’m going to prove it to you no matter what I have to do, or how ever long it takes. You mean so much to me. I love you so much. I am willing to do whatever it takes. Please just believe me. Please.”
He may then look for opportunities to show her how much he cares and prove to her that he would never hurt her.
He might think to himself, “If she’s afraid that I will hurt her, then what I need to do is be extra sweet and nice to her to make her feel safer around me. I need to show her that she has nothing to fear from me. What I’ll do is take her out to romantic dinners, buy her flowers and gifts and treat her like a princess. Hopefully, she will then realize that if I wanted to hurt her, I wouldn’t be wasting my time being so nice to her and spoiling her. I will show her that I care about her more than anything else and that I’m willing to do anything to make her happy.”
He might also shower her with attention every time he sees her (e.g. if they happen to work together, live in the same apartment building, or go to the same school or university), while at the same time continually pouring his heart out to her by saying things like, “I really care about you. I would never do anything to hurt you. Hurting you would be like cutting my own nose off to spite my face. I just want to take care of you. I miss you. Please give me a chance to show you that our love can be even better than before.”
Yet, she just feels turned off by his desperation, which confuses her even more.
She ends up wondering why she is so turned off by him all of a sudden and assumes that it must be a sign that they aren’t meant to be together.
Another classic mistake to avoid is…
2. Taking what she is saying too seriously, rather than getting rid of her fear by making her smile, laugh and feel good around you.
In most ex back cases, what both the man and woman don’t know is that the woman would feel attracted to him again if he would just calm down, be confident and get her smiling and laughing again when talking to him.
When you focus on getting her smiling and laughing, she naturally relaxes and opens back up to you.
As long as you are being confident and emotionally masculine (i.e. you’re not being a sensitive wussy), she will naturally feel attracted to you and will be motivated to give the relationship another chance.
Remember: Just because your ex might be saying that she fears getting hurt again, it doesn’t mean she can’t change her mind.
Most women don’t want to come across as being too eager or desperate to get back with their ex.
So, don’t take what she’s saying right now so seriously.
The best way to melt her defenses is by making her smile and laugh when you’re interacting with her and making her feel good to be interacting with you again.
For example: If you’re talking to her on the phone and she says something like, “I don’t know if I want to get back together again, I’m afraid of getting hurt,” you can use it as an opportunity to spark her feelings for you and make her smile and laugh.
For example: You can say in a joking way, “Hey I know how you feel. I don’t know if I can take the pain of your eating your cooking again either. However, I’m willing to take the risk– even though I fear for my life – because I care about you. You can at least give me a chance too. I’m sure we can live on burnt toast and love. They say all you need is love, but burnt toast helps as well.”
Saying something like that will make her laugh and ease the seriousness of the situation.
All of a sudden, she becomes open up to the idea of at least meeting up with you to see where things go from there because she can see that it would feel good and wouldn’t be as awkward as she may have imagined.
Another mistake to avoid is…
3. Asking her what you can do to remove the fear and then obeying her often unnecessary, unreasonable, or needy requests.
Sometimes a guy might go overboard to alleviate a woman’s fears about getting back together by doing whatever she asks him to do.
For example: A woman might say to her ex, “I don’t know if I can back together with you. I’m afraid you’ll hurt me again. You’re just too easily influenced by your friends. They mean more to you than I do,” or “I can’t accept sitting around at home waiting for you, while you’re busy putting your job before me. I don’t know if I can do that again. It’s just too painful.”
The guy might then try to show her how devoted he is to her by getting rid of most of his friends, leaving his job and spending every spare minute around her.
He might also reassure her by saying things like, “I would never hurt you. You mean the world to me. I’ve even given up hanging out with my friends so that you don’t feel like they’re more important to me,” or “Nothing else is more important than you. I’m not going out anymore without you.”
However, if you let your ex call the shots, she will eventually start feeling more emotionally dominant than you.
Then, even though she was the one who initially made all those unreasonable demands, she may begin to resent you for not being ballsy enough to stand up to her and she will feel turned off by what she perceives as your emotional weakness.
Don’t do that to yourself.
You can’t convince her that you won’t hurt her again by becoming her puppy dog.
It’s fine for you to reassure her, but for the most part, she wants to see that you are man enough to lead the way and guide both you and her into deeper feelings of love, respect and sexual attraction.
When she is feeling attracted to you and can see that you’ve changed, her fear will go away and will be replaced by loving and wanting for you.