If you were only with your ex for a short time (i.e. she was a fling, you were just having casual sex for a while), you can still get her back and make the relationship work for real.
Here are 5 tips on how to make it happen:
1. Interact with her in person again and let her see that you and her can be more than what you’ve been together so far
When you and her first started the fling, it probably seemed like that was more than good enough.
You may have felt like you were cool with that kind of arrangement, but now you want her back.
If she is still thinking that, “It was only a fling,” then you need to change her perspective of you by offering her a new type of relationship experience that she will be attracted to.
In many cases, that will involve you completely changing the way you approach attraction in the relationship.
For example: She might have been happy to have a short term relationship with you because she could see that she would get bored of your approach in the long run (e.g. because you were too nice, or too much of a player).
She always knew that it wouldn’t last and therefore, mentally prepared herself to be able to break up with you and move on without any worries.
Yet, when you interact with her again and let her see that you are now capable of offering her the kind of relationship experience she would happily commit to, then she feels like she doesn’t want to lose you.
Another tip for getting an ex back who was a fling, is…
2. Make sure you fill in the missing pieces of the attraction experience this time around
For a woman to feel motivated to go from having a fling with a guy to being in a more serious relationship with him, she needs to be able to see that he’s the kind of guy she can look up to, respect, feel attracted to and love in the long run.
That means, he displays the kind of behaviors and personality traits that she’s looking for in a man (e.g. confidence, emotional strength, dependability, emotional masculinity, courage, resilience, ability to be a bit of a challenge for her to continually win over), rather than just being a good guy and treating her well.
Women can find thousands of good guys who would treat her well, but it’s the men who have the personality traits and behaviors that make women feel respect, attraction and love in the long run that they are really looking for.
This is why, if you want to get your ex back who was a fling, you’re going to have to show her that you’re more than a good-time-Charlie (i.e. a frivolous guy who doesn’t take things seriously), a fuck boy (i.e. a player type of guy that women just hook up temporarily), or a nice guy who is hoping to ‘save her’ from all the bad boys.
By making the correct adjustments to your conversation style and how you behave and interact with her, she will naturally begin to see for herself that you’re more than as just a fling.
Instead, you are the kind of man she wants to hold on to, because she knows how difficult it is to find a wholesome man who is able to make her feel the kind of respect, attraction and love she really wants to feel in a relationship.
She also knows that if other women meet you, they will naturally feel attracted to the new and improved you and will try to get you into a relationship.
She doesn’t want to lose you to another woman and she doesn’t want to end up dating a whole bunch of other guys who don’t understand respect, attraction, love and relationships the way you do.
As a result, she opens back up to sleeping with you again, hanging out and seeing where things go.
So, the next time you interact with your ex (e.g. on a phone call or in person), ask yourself:
- Am I turning her on right now (by being confident, emotionally masculine, emotionally mature, being a bit of a challenge and making her laugh), or am I turning her off (by being insecure, unsure of myself, timid, too laid back and disinterested, too much of a try hard, too aloof, too jealous or too needy)?
- Do I make her feel like I’m interested in more than just sex with her (e.g. by listening to her, showing interest in what she likes, doing things together without it having to end in having sex), or do I make her feel more like I’m just passing time with her until another, better woman comes along?
- Does she feel like she could win me over and get my commitment if she treats me well enough, or does she feel like I would probably never commit, so there’s no point?
- Does she feel the need to impress me to win my commitment (this is what women want, as long as you are also treating them well), or do I make her feel like all I want is commitment and will do anything I can to impress her and win her over (almost all quality women get turned off by that approach)?
- Am I making her smile, laugh and enjoy talking to me, or does she feel bored being around me when we’re not having sex, or does she feel like I’m just too serious, uptight or closed up emotionally so she finds it difficult to connect with me emotionally?
- Does she feel like she can look up to me, respect me and depend on me to be an emotionally strong man, or does she feel like I’m too irresponsible, emotionally immature or unreliable for her?
- Does she feel like we’re socially compatible enough (i.e. you’re able to vibe with her on her level, without her feeling the need to be gentle with you, or suppress her real personality), or does she feel a lot cooler than me, or as though I wouldn’t be able to get along with her friends or family?
If you are doing it right, she will naturally look at you as serious boyfriend material (or husband material), rather than just a fling.
She will know how difficult it is to find a guy who can attract her in the ways you can and as a result, she will let down her guard and open herself up to seeing where her feelings for you will take her.
Another tip for getting an ex back who was a fling is…
3. Start having more conversations that bring you closer as a couple
When a couple is having a fling, they will often try to avoid talking about anything too deep or significant.
Instead, the conversations will usually be kept to fairly basic topics (e.g. they might talk about movies they’ve seen, clubs they’ve been to, music they listen to, celebrity drama, food, travel) to avoid getting to know each other on a deeper, more personal level.
Yet, in order to have a relationship that lasts for life, you do need to be able to slowly open up to the other person and have them open up to you.
You need to be able to truly understand each other, because ‘feeling understood’ and supported, is one of the most fundamental things people look for in a relationship.
When someone finally ‘gets you,’ and they’re not judging you for it AND you feel attracted to them, then it’s not a relationship you want to get rid of anytime soon.
Yet, it’s important to point out that just understanding a woman isn’t enough.
If she secretly doesn’t feel very attracted to you (e.g. because you’re too nice, too gentle, not enough of a challenge), then she isn’t going to want to stick with you for life just because you understand her.
Attraction is at the core of relationships between men and women.
Without that, it’s just not going to last.
So, if you feel like your ex does feel attracted to you, but you just weren’t connecting with her on more deeper levels, or making her feel understood, then you can do that when you next interact with her.
For example: You can have deeper, more interesting and complex conversations that allow you and her to connect on much more meaningful levels, rather than just sticking to the superficial layers of a topic.
For example: You can talk about your childhood experiences and how they shaped you into the person you are today.
However, as a man, it’s always best to talk about how you overcame problems, became stronger, wiser and more resilient, rather than being one of those guys who remains stuck in life based on childhood issues.
Women are always more attracted to men who become more from the experiences they encounter in life, rather than guys who go into their shell and become less of a man as a result.
Also, don’t go looking for pity from her, or a pat on the back and a, “There there, it’s okay.”
Always let her see you as a man who can overcome obstacles and become stronger, wiser and more resilient over time, so she can then look up to you, respect you and feel attracted to you as a result.
At the end of the day, a woman wants to be with a man who she feels safe and protected by, not a guy who need her protection and is scared of things due to the experiences he has had.
So, if you are going to have deeper conversations with her that bring you and her closer together, make sure you do it in a way that increases her respect, attraction and love for you, rather than decreasing it.
Another tip for getting an ex back who was a fling is…
4. Don’t seem to be desperate for a relationship, even though that’s what you are now trying to create with her
If she currently believes that a casual fling was all she really wanted with you, then she isn’t going to react well to you pushing for a relationship.
So, don’t push for a relationship at the moment.
Instead, just make interactions with you feel fun and commitment free, while at the same time, focusing on building her feelings for you by interacting with her in a way that reawakens her respect, attraction and love for you.
Let her experience you in ways that she never has before, so she wants you back for her own reasons (e.g. she’s attracted to you again sexually, but at the same time she now feels worried that if she doesn’t give a relationship with you a chance, another girl will take you and she might end up regretting that later on).
The more you make her realize that you’re the man she wants to be with in the long term (e.g. emotionally strong, emotionally mature, dependable, charming, ambitious, interesting, funny, a challenge for her to win over), the more she will want to take the next step and commit to being with you.
On that note…
5. Make her fall in love with the man you are now, so she wants to be your girl
Some of the ways you can do that are by…
- Making sure that you believe in yourself and in your value to her as a long term boyfriend, rather than feeling as though she’ll never think of you as anything more than a fling. If she senses your self-doubt, she will feel turned off. So, make sure that you subtly project confidence and self-belief in your attractiveness and value as a man. I say ‘subtly’ because you shouldn’t start boasting or telling her that you’re a catch. Just let her sense that by subtly letting her sense that you have a lot of confidence in your value and attractiveness to her and other women.
- Being prepared for her to potentially play a bit hard to get with you, so you can maintain your confidence in the moment, rather than suddenly seeming insecure, or as though you’re being rejected by her.
- Using humor to make her smile, laugh and feel relaxed to be around you again, rather than stressing her out by getting into emotionally exhausting, drawn out discussions where you try to ‘work things out’ with her and get her to commit.
- Not being afraid to flirt with her and keep the spark alive, rather than just acting like a friend and potentially making her feel like there isn’t enough of a spark between you and her anymore to have a committed relationship.
- Showing her (by your actions, behavior and conversation style) that you really are the kind of man that she can look up to, respect, feel attracted to and love, rather than behaving in ways that make her perceive you as being just a fling.
- Giving her a new attraction experience that makes her see you as a man worth committing to.
When she feels the kind of respect and attraction that causes a woman to fall in love with a man, she will naturally start looking at you as more than just an ex that she had a fling with.
She will begin to worry that you might be ‘the one that got away’ and she might end up dating a whole bunch of guys who never turn out to be the one.
As a result, she opens back up to you and starts seeing you again in the hope that you and her become more than just a fling.
3 Mistakes to Avoid Making if You Want a Relationship With an Ex Who Was a Fling
What you may not realize is that many couples start off having a fling with each other (i.e. casual sex, no commitment or not much of a commitment), and then transition into a loving, lasting relationship or marriage.
People usually don’t want to admit that though, because they don’t want to ruin their love story in the eyes of friends and family, but it’s the truth.
Many couples who end up together life, were only dating and having fun initially and it ended up turning into something much more.
You and your ex can be one of those couples too.
Whether or not you achieve that though, all depends on your approach to her from this point onwards.
To get it right, avoid the following mistakes:
1. Coming on too strong while trying to show how keen you are to commit to her now
Essentially, women rarely respond well when a man is desperate for a relationship.
It’s just not attractive.
To get a woman to want to commit to you, it’s always best to make her be the one who is trying to get you to commit.
You then allow her that privilege.
Many women won’t ever admit that they love it when they meet a guy who makes them chase and they then finally win him over, but it’s the truth.
Women don’t like to admit it because they don’t want guys going too far with it and being too arrogant, or making them chase too much.
So, what women do is that they go for guys who give them that feeling, but they rarely openly admit.
Instead, they say things like, “I like him. He’s really nice. He’s a great guy deep down” while her friends say, “He’s a player. You can do better” and so on.
Yet, she is reacting to how he is making her feel.
She is excited to feel so attracted and in love and wants to be able to use her charm to hopefully win him over.
If he does commit, then she gets the man she wants and she feels special to have been chosen by him.
On the other hand, when a man puts himself in the position of desperately trying to get with a woman who only saw him as a fling, it doesn’t turn her on and make her feel special.
It’s just not how a woman’s attraction works.
Women aren’t turned on by desperate men who have no clue how to make them feel attracted and in love.
So, whatever you do, just don’t go showing her that you’re super keen to have a relationship and will do whatever you can to hopefully get her to commit.
That won’t work.
Another mistake to avoid is…
2. Treating her way too nicely, when she’s actually attracted to more of a bad boy type of guy
Part of what is attractive to a woman about having a fling is that the guy usually displays bad boy qualities (e.g. he doesn’t suck up to her with a nice guy act, he doesn’t get all romantic and soppy after sex, he gives her the impression that he could take her or leave her, he has other girls interested in him and is probably seeing them on the side).
Even though women will rarely admit it, they feel attracted to guys like that because the guy is a challenge compared to how men normally are (i.e. nice, trying to secure a relationship with her, fall in love pretty much right away).
So, when a guy has a fling with a woman that he doesn’t initially intend on sticking with, he will often accidentally display bad boy qualities that attract her.
Yet, if he then starts feeling attached to her, he might switch into being a bit of an insecure, needy, jealous and clingy guy, which women simply don’t feel attracted to.
She might then dump him, or just say that she doesn’t want to keep seeing him and that he needs to accept that it was only ever a fling.
He might then panic and think that he can get her to want more by being really nice to her (e.g. sending her sweet messages, offering to help her financially, buying her things, being the best friend to her that he can, or doing whatever he can to make her see him as a good guy).
Yet, if she senses that he’s doing it out of desperation and not having a clue about how to attract women, then she’s doing to feel turned off.
She might even get to the point where she wonders what she ever saw in him in the first place.
So, here’s what you need to understand…
Pretty much every woman is attracted to and wants to be in a relationship with a good man who treats her well, but is enough of a bad boy to also make her feel as though she needs to be a good girl for him too.
She needs to get the sense that if she doesn’t treat him well, maintain her attractiveness and make him happy, then she could lose him.
Of course, women will rarely admit that, but it’s what they feel most attracted to, as long as the guy is also a good guy and treats her well.
So, don’t make the mistake of thinking that you need to be a good boy who agrees with everything she says, lets her call all the shots and essentially treats her like a princess in order to get her back.
Treat her well, yes, but also make her experience the exciting, irresistible feelings that come with feeling the need to impress you and maintain your interest.
Let her feel the challenge that women want to feel in a relationship, while also making her feel loved, appreciated and wanted.
If you can do that, not only will she want you back, but other women will wish they could be with you as well.
Another mistake to avoid making is…
3. Hiding behind texts and ending up losing her to another guy
In today’s world, communicating with people via text and social media is the norm.
Yet, when it comes to getting a woman back into a relationship after a break, just texting her rarely works.
You’ve got to move things forward to either a phone call, video call or a catch up in person.
If you just hide behind texts, hoping that she will eventually make it obvious that she wants you back, then you’ll most likely lose her to another guy.
Another guy will come along, interact with her in person, hook up with her and you will just be a bunch of texts on her phone and memory of a fling.
If it works out with him, then you’re left behind.
If it doesn’t, then she might start texting you again, but you still have to make a move and get things to a phone call, video call or in person meet up.