The 5 steps to make your ex feel safe with you again are:
1. Get her to forgive the old you, so she can see that the new you is real
Forgiveness the old version of you allows her to stop assuming the worst of you every time she interacts with the new version of you.
It’s draws a line in the sand between before and now and allows her to see you in a new, more positive light.
For example: Imagine what will be going through a woman’s mind if she doesn’t forgive her ex man for how he used to behave or what happened in the relationship to cause the break up.
When he asks for another chance, she might think something like, “No way. He must be joking if he thinks I’m going to forget about all the ways he stuffed up and then give him another chance because he wants it to happen. I don’t care what he wants anymore. I have to take care of myself now. He hurt me and I’m not going to just forget about that. It’s going to take a lot more than him apologizing and saying that he’ll do anything to make me feel safe with him again for me to be able to trust him.”
This is why you need to get her to forgive you, before you even get to the point of asking her to give you another chance.
By the way…
Getting her to forgive you isn’t about constantly apologizing to her until she finally says, “Okay! I forgive you.”
Firstly, a woman will rarely forgive a guy that she has dumped simply because he keeps apologizing.
Secondly, constantly apologizing for your past mistakes doesn’t get to the core of the problems between you.
Sure you’re being sincere and are really apologizing to her, but to her, it doesn’t guarantee that you really have changed and will now be able to be the kind of man that she could feel safe with again.
So, how can you get her to forgive you for real?
Start by saying to her (over the phone or in person, but not via text), “Look, I know I stuffed up and I’m genuinely sorry about it. I’m not going to make excuses for my actions, but even though it may sound unbelievable, I’ve learned from my mistakes and I’m not that guy anymore. I don’t expect you to believe me right now or take me back just because I’m saying that to you. However, I also don’t want you to move on, only to discover that you can’t fully be happy again because you haven’t been able to forgive me and let go of the past. That wouldn’t be fair on you. I’ve learned that the mature way to handle a break up is if we both forgive each other and acknowledge that people make mistakes in relationships sometimes. It doesn’t mean they are bad people and cannot ever change. It simply means that they stuffed up. We don’t have to get back together at all, but it’s the right thing to do to genuinely forgive each other. In our case, it’s just you who needs to forgive me because you really didn’t do anything wrong. So, can you do the mature thing here and forgive me? That way, we can both feel better about the break up and move on. If we do think about each other, it will be to remember some of the good times we had, rather than feel hurt by the bad times.”
The great thing about asking your ex to forgive you in that kind of way, is that she suddenly stops feeling so angry at you for stuffing up.
She relaxes and begins to see the new you in a more positive light.
She starts to believe that the new you is real (i.e. because you’re genuinely caring about her and her feelings, rather than just giving her an empty apology to get what you want from her).
The next thing to remember is…
2. Don’t let her make things more dramatic than they really are
Some women enjoy creating drama in relationship and making a big deal out of little things that didn’t have to be such a big deal.
For example: In a relationship, a woman might often throw a tantrum over something seemingly insignificant.
In most cases, she will do it just to see how her guy will react.
Will he give in to her and do whatever she wants?
Will he lose control of his emotions and get angry at her?
Will he stand up to her and lovingly put her back in her place? (This is secretly what she wants him to do).
Will he laugh at her tantrum and not take it so seriously. (Women also like this reaction from men at times).
Women always test men by changing the mind all the time, being moody and generally just trying to be difficult.
It’s part of a woman’s survival instinct to align herself with a man who can remain confident and in control of his emotions, regardless of what people might say or do around him.
If a man is unable to pass a woman’s tests of his confidence, she will lose respect and attraction for him and eventually fall out of love with him.
She will also stop feeling safe with him because he’s not someone who she can rely on to maintain control of a situation.
He’s just not man enough for a woman like her…yet.
He can improve and be man enough for her, but in most cases, guys just don’t know what to do to change.
In other cases, men simply blame the woman and think she is bipolar, crazy or a pain in the ass.
Yet, she’s just following her natural instincts to be with a man who makes her feel safe by being confident and not losing control of his emotions when tests.
So, when a woman like that breaks up with her, she will often make the break up process out to be so dramatic and so painful to her emotionally, just to see how he reacts.
The mistake that some guys then make is sucking up to her with extra nice behavior (e.g. taking the blame for everything that happened between them, buying her flowers and gifts, possibly even pay for some of her bills, making himself available to her 24/7).
Alternatively, he might say things like, “I’m sorry. Please don’t get upset. I’ll do whatever you want to prove to you that I won’t hurt you ever again. What do I have to do to make you believe me? Just say the word and I’ll do it. I’ll do anything. I care about you so much. I want to make you feel safe.”
Yet, rather than make her think, “I really am behaving like a spoiled brat here, aren’t I? Clearly my ex is trying to make things right between us, so I should stop being such a drama queen and give him another chance,” she will just feel even more turned off by him.
For example: She will notice that he’s too easily manipulated by her, he’s wimpy and weak-minded, she feels more emotionally dominant than him and he doesn’t know how to get her to stop creating fake drama and change the relationship dynamic back to a more relaxed, open and loving one.
As a result, she will then pull further away from him than she already has and begin to say things like, “Look, you have no chance of getting me back, so just give up. It’s over” because she can see that he doesn’t even understand how to be attractive to her.
Here’s the thing…
Even though you are most-likely a really good guy who is trying to make things right between you and your ex, don’t make the mistake of getting sucked into her all of her fake drama.
Of course, that doesn’t mean you’re denying what happened, or even that you made some mistakes, but it also doesn’t mean every interaction you have with your ex needs to turn into a damn soap opera.
Don’t take her drama so seriously.
Laugh at her for being a drama queen, retain your confidence and use your emotional masculinity (i.e. the emotional toughness of a man) to guide the conversation or interaction back to a more loving, easy-going place.
3. Focus on making her smile, laugh and feel good around you
Imagine that you’re meeting your ex at a coffee shop.
When she arrives, she sits down sighs in an annoyed way.
After a few moments, she says something along the lines of, “I don’t think meeting up with you is such a good idea after all. I’m going to leave now.”
One option is to take her reaction seriously and start trying to convince her to stick around and give you a chance to explain.
Yet, that’s not going to spark her feelings of respect and attraction for you and will just turn her off and annoy her even more (i.e. because you’re getting sucked into her unnecessary drama, rather than being the man and leading the way to a more fun, easy-going dynamic).
So, what other way can you react to her?
Just have the balls to turn what she says into something to laugh about together.
So, if she says, “I don’t think meeting up with you is such a good idea after all. I’m going to leave now,” you can say in a light-hearted, joking way, “At least wait until after get I my order. It shouldn’t take that long… I only ordered 17 burgers, 5 apple pies, 23 portions of fries, 19 cups of coffee, 14 doughnuts, 8 milkshakes and a diet coke,” and have a laugh with her about that.
Alternatively, you could jokingly say, “Okay, but at least wait until my order comes. I will then get the check and hand it to you. You’re paying” and then have a laugh with her about that.
Alternatively, you could jokingly say, “Okay, but before you leave, come here and give me a high five” and then get her to high five you and have a laugh with her about it.
By approaching a potentially “serious” situation like that in a funny way, she’s much more likely to relax, smile, laugh and be more open to sticking around and talking to you.
Of course, she might act like she is still annoyed, but still stick around and you can then say, “Well, are you Little Miss Fussy Pants today? Or, maybe, Little Miss Moody. Which one is it? Moody or Fussy Pants?” and have a laugh with her about that.
Using humor to get her laughing creates some positive feelings in her, which then makes her stop focusing on the negatives about you as much.
Even if she tries to block the rush of feelings she will be experiencing for you, she just won’t be able to.
Attraction is an automatic reaction that men and women have to each other.
So, she just won’t be able to stop herself from feeling respect for you again for having the confidence and emotional strength to make her laugh and smile in a serious moment like that.
…especially, if you previously would have gotten dragged into her fake drama and started sucking up to her.
After you make her smile and laugh, you then need to…
4. Build on her feelings of respect, attraction and love
One way you can do that is by showing her that you’re taking her feelings seriously.
For example: You might say to her, “By the way…I was only joking before and I don’t want you to think I don’t care about how you feel. I understand that right now, sitting down and talking to me probably feels uncomfortable for you. You probably still want to leave and walk away from me forever. That’s fine. However, I just want you to know that I now understand what I did wrong when we were together and I’m truly sorry for hurting you. I don’t expect you to believe me that I’ve changed and I don’t expect you to care either. Yet, can we at least try to be friends rather than ex’s who are now enemies and can’t even say hi to each other?”
She will likely say, “Okay” and you can then focus further on building on her feelings of respect and attraction for you again (e.g. by displaying some of the traits and behaviors that are naturally attractive to women, such as confidence, humor, emotional masculinity, emotional maturity).
You can display those traits by…
- Making her feel feminine and girly in your presence, rather than just making her feel friendly or neutral around you.
- Letting her see your masculine confidence by not feeling nervous or unsure of yourself when she is being cold. This allows her to see that you’re not intimidated by her or the situation, which is attractive.
- Using humor to put her at ease when talking to you, rather than allowing the conversation to feel awkward.
- Showing her that you’ve moved past the level you were at when she broke up with you, rather than making the same old communication mistakes as you did before (e.g. giving her too much power).
When she starts to feel respect and attraction for the new you, she will become willing to look past your mistakes and see you as the man you are now.
Her feelings will grow and she will start to feel like the relationship between you and her isn’t over.
Finally, make sure to…
5. Be the kind of man she really wants now
When you first met her, she most likely had a different idea of what she would ultimately accept in a man.
To properly re-attract her and get her back, you need to let her see (not tell her) that you are now the kind of man that she really wants.
You’ve changed and become so much more emotionally masculine and emotionally strong.
She now feels like your girl, rather than like a friend or a neutral ex who doesn’t feel a spark with you.
Sparks are flying between you and her because you are making her feel sexually and romantically attracted to you, based on how you can now interact with her.
By the way…
Sometimes, it is fine to talk about the changes you’ve made, but make sure that you only do is briefly and add it in to the conversation casually.
Don’t make it out to be a long-winded speech about all the things you’ve learned, everything you’ve changed and everything you now want to continue improving.
Just let it surface in conversation naturally and casually and only talk about it briefly.
For example: If a guy made his ex feel unsafe by being irresponsible (e.g. he didn’t have a good job or didn’t have a job), to show her that he’s changed, he needs to casually tell her about the things he’s been doing to improve himself since the break up.
If he was unemployed or was stuck in a dead-end job, he might say, “By the way…don’t laugh, but I wear a suit and tie these days.”
His ex will most likely be shocked and ask, “What? Why? What are you doing that requires you to dress like that?”
He then can say, “Well, I’ve got a great job now. I’m working as a…” and then briefly tell her about it.
If she wants to ask more, he can answer her, as long as he’s not giving off the vibe of, “So, now do you like me? Am I good enough now?”
A woman wants to see that a man is improving his life because he wants to, not because he’s hoping that it will get him a pat on the head from her.
Alternatively, if a guy abused alcohol or drugs and made her feel unsafe in that way, he might say, “By the way…I went to rehab after you broke up with me. It was the best thing I ever did. I’m grateful to you for not letting me get away with that reckless behavior any longer.”
The Most Important Thing of All
The most important thing of all when getting an ex back is to focus on making her feel respect, sexual and romantic attraction for you again.
When you do that, she naturally feels drawn to you in a way that feels good to her.
If she can see that you’ve become a much more balanced, complete man, it will be easy to respect you.
Likewise, if she can see that you don’t get dragged into her fake drama anymore and now have the balls to laugh at her, ignore it and just let her rant or turn it into something both of you can laugh about, then it will be easy to respect you and feel attracted to you again.
When that happens, she starts to feel love for you again.
When that happens, she starts to believe that it really is possible to feel safe with you again.
She opens up and gives you another chance.
By the way…
It doesn’t take weeks or months to get a woman to change how she feels.
This is something that you can achieve right now or within a few days.