Even if she does believe that you and her can make it work, she will probably keep playing hard to get and giving you mixed messages to see how you react.
- Will you lose confidence in yourself and your attractiveness to her?
- Will you resort to begging and pleading with her if she doesn’t change her mind?
- Will you lose control of your emotions and get angry at her?
- Will you be trying so hard to suck up to her and make her give you another chance that you end up putting up with her disrespectful behavior towards you?
In other words, she wants to see how she will feel now that you no longer have a guarantee of being with her in a relationship.
So, here’s what you need to do:
1. Get her to understand and agree with you that a couple’s love becomes stronger and more meaningful when they overcome temporary issues like what you and her are experiencing now
In most cases, a man and a woman will get into a relationship without really knowing what is required to make it last a lifetime.
For example: Some couples believe that a successful relationship is all about always being happy, never disagreeing with each other or having any arguments or fights and never getting bored or frustrated with each other.
As a result, when they begin to disagree or fight, or the excitement wears off a little bit, either one of them or both of them will think that the relationship is doomed and cannot be fixed.
The woman might think, “This isn’t what I signed up for. I don’t want to be stuck in a boring relationship, or have to deal with a guy who gets sometimes angry at me and shouts. I can do better than this. I want a relationship that is happy all the time. That’s how it supposed to be.”
What she doesn’t understand is that successful couples (those who stay happily together for life), understand that arguments, disagreements and mistakes are bound to happen, no matter how perfect the relationship, or how in love with each other they both are.
It’s totally natural, normal and expected.
As long as each person continually improves and doesn’t keep making the same old mistakes, then it’s all good.
The relationship just gets better and better over time.
When a couple understands that fact about relationships, they know that a few bumps in the road isn’t a good enough reason to walk away from an otherwise loving, happy relationship.
In fact, the great thing about making mistakes in a relationship is that when those mistakes get fixed and improved, the relationship becomes even stronger and more enduring than ever before.
So, if you want to make your ex believe that you can make this work, it’s important that you understand where you’ve been going wrong with her and then make some real changes in those areas.
It’s also essential that you get her to understand (and agree with you) that a couple’s love becomes stronger and more meaningful when they make an effort to overcome minor problems in the relationship.
When a couple does that, they always become stronger together and respect and love each other more and more, rather than running from one relationship to the next and never sticking with it through the rough times to eventually get to blissful love that last for life.
So, you might say to her, “A relationship that lasts forever isn’t always perfect and happy in each moment. There will be ups and downs and we won’t always agree with each other on everything, but that doesn’t mean we have to give up and walk away. If we learn from our mistakes and improve as a result, our relationship will get even better and stronger over time. I know you feel hurt right now and you probably don’t want to believe me or you may not even care to try, but I believe that actions speak louder than words. So, if you give me a chance to show you that I’ve changed, I’m going to prove to you that I’m the man you want me to be and that our relationship really can work. ”
Important: You need to already have made some changes and improvements before saying something like that to her.
Don’t offer her promises of what you will do in the future, if she can see with her own eyes that you haven’t even changed in the present.
You need to allow her to experience some of the changes in you, so she has some evidence to believe your claims about how you will be better.
That leads me to the next point…
2. Show her that you’ve already changed, rather than telling her that you will change
When a woman is saying things like, “Look, it’s over between us. We keep coming down the same road again and again and nothing ever changes. I can’t keep lying to myself anymore. I just don’t believe we can make this work,” it’s only natural that a guy will want to prove to her that she’s wrong.
He might then say, “Please just listen to me. I promise that if you give me another chance, I’ll change. Please believe me when I say that we can make this work. I’ll do anything you want me to do to make you happy. Just give me a chance to show you that I mean it this time.”
Yet, if she’s given him many changes to change in the past and he hasn’t, she might say something like, “This isn’t the first time we’ve had problems. Every time you’ve promised me that you would change, you never have. So, why should this time be any different from all the other times when we tried to make this work? I just don’t believe you anymore.”
So, what should you do instead?
Just let her see that you have already changed based on how you now interact with her.
For example: If a woman broke up with a guy because he didn’t believe in his value to her as a man and was constantly afraid of losing her (and as a result became very jealous and controlling), she’s not going to fully believe him if he tells her, “I’m a changed man. I promise that this time I’ll be more confident and I won’t be clingy and overprotective.”
To test him, she might say something along the lines of, “I don’t know. I’ve been hanging out with other guys since we broke up and I’ve really enjoyed it. Maybe we can get back together, but if we do, I want to have an open relationship, so I can see other guys if I want to. What do you think?” and see how he reacts.
If he looks horrified at her suggestion and pulls away from her and says, “Are you crazy? What kind of an idea is that? I love you and I want to make this work and you’re talking about seeing other people. I can never accept that. It’s all or nothing. I love you and would be 100% to you only and I would expect the same back from you,” she will know for sure that he hasn’t really changed.
On the other hand, if he maintains his confidence, bursts out laughing and says with a naughty grin, “Hey, that sounds like a great idea. My birthday will be fun this year with you and all the other women I’ll be dating coming to my party at the same time! I’ll get lots of presents and bathroom blowjobs” she will have the proof that she’s been looking for to convince her that he really is different now.
Of course, he doesn’t actually have to date other women and as I said earlier, a woman will usually only test her guy by saying that she wants an open relationship to see if he’ll be insecure.
Essentially, he’s just calling her bluff and raising her. (If you understand poker terms. If you don’t…)
Essentially, he’s showing her that he isn’t intimidated by what she’s saying and in fact, he’s even going to take it a little further.
When she can see that he’s not getting insecure, clingy and needy like he used to, she will automatically begin to feel some respect and attraction for him again.
He passed her test with flying colors and she can now naturally feel a renewed sense of respect and attraction for him, rather than him wasting loads of time and energy trying to convince her that he won’t be an insecure, needy or clingy guy anymore.
This is why it’s so important that you make some real changes and adjustments to yourself, before you try to make your ex believe you can make your relationship work.
Then, when you interact with her (on the phone and in person) she will be able to sense it via the tone of your voice, your body language and the way you react and respond to what she says and does.
You won’t have to try and convince her by giving her long-winded explanations that go on for hours and hours and drain both of you of your energy.
Instead, the process is quick, simple and effective because you’re actually showing her and letting her experience it for herself.
She can then believe that you truly have changed and that it’s actually possible for you and her to make the relationship work now.
The next step is to…
3. Attract her in the ways that she really wants, but probably isn’t telling you about
This one is really important for your situation, so pay attention.
A woman will sometimes break up with a guy without ever telling him her real reasons why, because she doesn’t want him to get angry, try and talk her out of her decision, or start making wild promises to change the things she has mentioned.
Alternatively, in some cases, she may not even know what to tell him.
She just knows that something doesn’t feel right to her and he needs to fix it.
Naturally, because of that, a guy might then try to discuss the relationship in detail with her to try and work things out.
For example: He might say things like, “I know that I stuffed up and I’m sorry. I really want to be able to make this work because I love you and only want to be with you. So, just help me understand what I did wrong and I will then make those changes right away.”
In his mind, it sounds like he’s just being a good guy and trying to work things out, so he doesn’t see a problem with what he’s saying.
Yet, what she hears is something like this, “I don’t know what I did wrong. As far as I’m concerned everything between us was perfect and you’re just being an unreasonable, moody woman about everything. Besides, if you don’t like something about me, why don’t you just come out and tell me what you want me to do, rather than expect me to figure it out on my own? Be clear with me woman. I can’t read your mind. Just tell me what to do.”
As a result, she becomes even less willing to want to work on the relationship.
A woman doesn’t want to be responsible for teaching her man how to be the man that he needs to become.
She wants him to figure it out on his own (without her having to spell it out for him), make some changes to himself and show her that he is now the kind of man that she can look up to, respect, feel attracted to and love.
So, rather than using your interactions with your ex to discuss the relationship in detail, just focus attracting her in the ways she really wants, but isn’t telling you about.
For example: Some possible reasons why your ex broke up with you, but didn’t tell you about, could be that:
- You made it a 50/50 relationship, rather than being the more dominant one, so she was unable to be a feminine woman around you.
- You had (and possibly still have) no purpose in life that you are actively following through on, so you became too emotionally dependent on her (e.g. clingy, needy, jealous, over protective).
- You felt very lucky to be with, which made her feel like she was too good for you or that she could do better. As a result, you gave her too much power, sucked up to her or on the other end of the scale, tried to ruin her confidence and make her feel dependent on you, so she wouldn’t leave you.
- Her expectations of the relationship weren’t being fulfilled (e.g. she wanted you to commit, but you kept delaying. She wanted you to have fun and enjoy life more, but you were just too serious all the time to the point where you became quite irritable).
- She felt taken for granted (e.g. because you broke your word to her too often, didn’t take her seriously, treated her badly, didn’t really care about making her feel attracted to you anymore).
- You didn’t see each other often enough, so you drifted apart.
- You were too emotionally sensitive, so she had to dull her confident personality down and be gentle with you, otherwise you’d get upset or feel very insecure.
- You needed her to regularly show you or tell you that she loved you and only wanted to be with you, otherwise you’d start feeling insecure.
- You gave her too much power in the relationship to the point where she felt like your mother or big sister at times.
When you understand your ex’s real reasons for ending the relationship, you can then make the right changes to yourself.
Then, when you next interact with her (on the phone and in person) and you make her feel attracted in the ways she always secretly wanted, she will open back up to you.
For example: You’re now so much more emotionally masculine in comparison to how emotionally feminine she is, so she now feels like a girl around you.
You now maintain your confidence when she’s being cold and distant, rather than getting upset or insecure.
You now use humor to ease the tension between you and make her laugh and feel good, rather than getting angry at her.
When you make changes that really matter to her, she will automatically start feeling respect and attraction for you again.
She will then believe that it finally might be possible to make a relationship between you and her work.
4. Don’t ask for a relationship right now. Just meet up with each other a couple more times to see how you both feel
It’s only natural that if a guy notices that his ex is relaxing her guard around him and is possibly even opening up a little bit, he might be tempted to push her into committing to a relationship right away.
Don’t make that mistake.
Let her want it.
Let her start imagining being back with you, while she is feeling an increasing amount of respect and sexual attraction for you.
If you do that, she may even be the one to suggest that you and her get back together.
Of course, not all women are the same and you need to keep that in mind.
Some women will play hard to get, even though they are feeling attracted again.
For example: She might think, “I’m not going to tell him that he can have another chance with me yet. Let him squirm for a little bit. He deserves to run around and try to make things up to me after the way he behaved in our relationship.”
If the guy then starts being desperate or insecure, she will feel turned off and her thoughts will change to something like, “Actually…I’ve changed my mind. I just don’t feel it with him anymore. I’ve got to end this and move on.”
So, make sure that whatever her reaction is during the ex back process, you always remain confident and emotionally strong.
Don’t lose confidence in yourself if she plays a little hard to get and don’t start trying to suck up to her to hopefully get her to take pity on you and give you another chance.
Instead, just keep the interactions between you light and relaxed, and focus on sparking her feelings for you by making her laugh, smile and feel good to be around you again.
Don’t rush to get her to commit to a relationship unless she is really making it obvious that she wants it.
For example: Rather than saying to her, “Let’s get back together again. I know we can make this work,” you can instead say something along the lines of, “Well, it was good to catch up with you. Maybe we can catch up again sometime soon to say hi.”
If she is feeling drawn to you and secretly wanting to give the relationship another chance, she will agree to it and will see you again soon.
That way, not only are you taking the pressure off her to get back together again, but you’re also taking control of the ex back process, rather than letting her play hard to get with you and mess with your head.
She can no longer string you along and enjoy having power over you, because you are in control.
She’s feeling attracted to you again, the relationship doesn’t feel like it’s over to her and she wants something to happen.
She also notices that you’re not desperately chasing her to commit.
You’re just suggesting to catch up again and say hi.
You are in control.
She wants you and she hopes that you will make a move on her the next time you meet.
From that moment onwards, you just need to…
5. Keep building on her newfound feelings for you
Some of the ways you can do that are by:
1. Continuing to change other things that really matter to her
Don’t focus only on the reasons she told you about when breaking up with you, (e.g. she’s tired of always fighting and arguing with you).
Instead, focus on the deeper reasons probably won’t admit to you (e.g. she doesn’t want to be the leader of the relationship, she feels more like a neutral friend around you than a sexy, desirable woman, your emotional state is no longer appealing to her, she doesn’t like that you’re so emotionally dependent on her, you’re too emotionally sensitive).
2. Wanting her back, but not needing her back
Get to the point where you genuinely feel happy and fulfilled with, or without her in your life.
Yes, you want her back, but don’t continue to sit around thinking, “How can I make my ex believe that we can make this work?” all the time, at the expense of everything else in your life (e.g. your biggest goals and dreams, your hobbies and interests, your friends).
You really have to start enjoying your life whether she’s with you, or not.
Some guys worry about doing that and say, “Won’t that make her angry at me? Won’t she want to get revenge by enjoying life without me too?”
Some women will get angry and seek revenge, but most women won’t.
Seeing you happy without her makes her feel respect for you for having the confidence to enjoy life without her support.
She then feels attracted to who you are now and begins to feel the pain of losing you.
That’s what works.
Yes, you run the risk of her potentially getting angry, but it’s worth it.
She still feels respect and attraction for you anyway, which then makes it so much easier to get her back.
However, if you just want to show her that you’re sad, lonely and lost without her, then she’s not going to feel respect for that.
In fact, she will lose respect for you for being so dependent on her and will begin to feel attracted to guys who are more emotionally independent and confident.
3. Being active about the ex back process, rather than passive
Actively focus on reactivating your ex’s feelings for you (e.g. by calling her on the phone and meeting up with her in person), rather than waiting around hoping she will take the lead and get you back.
Actively re-attracting her is not about trying to convince her to give you another chance.
Instead, it’s about interacting with her (on the phone and in person is best) and actively making her have strong romantic and sexual feelings for you again.
When you do that, she will naturally start believing that you can make it work.
6. Guide her back into a relationship
When your ex has forgiven you and is feeling attracted to you again, she stops feeling so defensive around you and opens back up to you.
She allows herself to see you as the man you are now (e.g. confident, emotionally masculine, emotionally independent), rather than the man you used to be (e.g. insecure, wimpy, clingy, needy).
The more she accepts the new you, the less desire she will have to keep pushing you away.
Her walls will come down and the thought of hugging you, kissing you and even having sex with you all start to feel really good again.
When she gets to that point, you don’t have to waste energy trying to convince her that you can make things work because they already are working.
She respects you, she feels attracted to you and she loves you.
You are a different man now.
She feels good around you and wants to be with you.