To stop being her back up plan, you first have to understand why she currently sees you that way.
Here are the 5 most common reasons why a woman will keep her ex around as a back up plan only, rather than feeling the need to get back with him right away:
1. She knows that he will wait for her, in case things don’t work out with her new guy
If a woman is already seeing a new guy, but can see that her ex boyfriend is waiting around and hoping for another chance with her, she may give him signs of hope that they could get back together, as a way of stringing him along.
That way, if things don’t work out with her new guy, she can go back to her ex.
Yet, if she gets into a relationship with a man that feels more respect, attraction and love for, she will usually then cut off all contact with her ex or tell him that she’s not going to change her mind.
Alternatively, she might be a bit cruel to her ex and still give him hope, therefore giving him the impression that he is her back up plan.
From her perspective though, it’s over and she’s not going to give him another chance.
So, here are some options of what you can do at this point:
- Option 1: Interact with her again, make her feel attracted to the new and improved you and then tell her that you wish her all the best. Then, don’t contact her for a week. If you’ve done a great job at re-attracting her, then her feelings for you will be reactivated, you will be on her mind and she will be missing you. As a result, she will almost certainly contact you and you can then get her on a phone or video call, attract her further and then arrange to catch up in person. You can then hook up with her and start getting the relationship back together.
- Option 2: Start seeing other women and let her find out about it through friends, or by seeing you in photos with a new woman (or women) via your social media profile.
- Option 3: Completely cut off contact and just wait.
The last option seems like the easiest option, but it’s actually the hardest on the man.
If you cut off contact with your ex girlfriend, who you love and want to be with, then you’re going to be missing her, stressing out about her hooking up with new guy and worrying about never hearing from her again.
Everything is going to be up to her and if she doesn’t feel very attracted to you anymore, then she’s almost certainly not going to come running back to you just because you cut off contact.
I highly recommend Option 1 above because it gives you control over the situation with her and is probably going to be a lot easier for you to do than Option 2, depending on your level of skill with women.
Some guys can easily go out and pick up new women, but many can’t.
So, if you can’t get out there and pick up other women to make your ex jealous (and impressed), then go for Option 1 so she misses you and wants to see you again.
Another reason why a woman will keep her ex around as a back up plan is…
2. She knows that if she starts feeling lonely, she will be able to reach out to him to make herself feel better
Since he is still missing her and hoping to get back with her, he will most likely be nice, sweet and loving towards her when she calls him or texts him.
For example: He might listen to her and talk to her for hours on the phone, tell her how he will always be there for her, compliment her and tell her how much she means to him.
Then, by the time she hangs up the call, she will be feeling happy, confident and good about herself again.
She will know that she doesn’t have to worry about feeling lonely, because he is there as a back up plan in case she can’t find a suitable replacement guy.
So, she knows that she doesn’t have to contact him often, or worry about him moving on and can relax and continue to move on behind his back.
Additionally, because he’s being so nice to her, it doesn’t really turn her on or make her want to rip his clothes off, so to speak.
As you probably know, nice guys struggle when it comes to dating because women just aren’t attracted to ‘only nice’ behavior from men.
It’s totally fine to treat women well, but if you’re only nice, then you’re usually only a friend to her.
So, don’t become your ex’s nice, reliable friend who is always available when she’s feeling lonely or needs a friend to talk to.
Sure, talk to her, but be attractive (i.e. be a bit of a playful challenge when you talk to her, flirt with her, playfully tease her).
For example: Rather than answering the phone with, “Oh, hi, how are you?” answer with, “You again…hhh…what do you want?” and then pause and have a laugh.
That is attractive to women because you have the balls to joke around with her like that, rather than always being on your best behavior.
If you don’t have the balls to do that and she meets another guy who does, she is going to want him, not you.
So, don’t be her nice, polite, sweet guy friend.
Be the guy she wants to kiss, touch and have sex with due to the attraction she feels when she interacts with you.
3. She wants the benefits of having an ex boyfriend who still loves her and wants to be with her, but without giving him any of the commitment of a relationship
Some women behave in a selfish way after a break up, where they want to keep an ex boyfriend around to have real love shown to them, but then show fake love and interest in return.
If a guy is experienced with women, or is the type of guy who can easily attract pretty women, then he knows not to accept that.
However, when a guy has been dumped by a girlfriend who is more attractive or cooler than previous women he’s been with, or the types of girls he can attract, then he might feel so overwhelmed by his desire for her that he becomes willing to put up with her bad treatment just to get to spend more time with her.
When a woman senses that, she feels turned off because she sees it as desperation.
Desperation is never attractive to women, especially pretty ones.
Yet, if a woman is being selfish after a break up, she will often pretend to feel attracted or in love with her ex, just to keep him around showing her love and adoration, so she can feel good about herself as she moves on without him.
So, some guys will stick around and essentially be a woman’s boyfriend without getting what comes from being in a committed relationship with her (e.g. exclusive sex, being there for him emotionally, taking care of chores, being with him the entire weekend as a couple, looking attractive for him, taking a sincere interest in his life, going to family functions with him, hanging out with him and his friends, traveling together, posting photos of them together on social media).
All he really gets are texts from her, the occasional phone call and maybe a catch up in person, but she doesn’t want sex, or doesn’t want to discuss the relationship.
Essentially, everything is on her terms and he’s got to put up with that, or else she will cut him out of her life.
So he does.
He puts up with it, but she then sees him as desperate and loses even more interest in him.
4. She never really felt motivated to commit to him because he wasn’t enough of a challenge for her
Sometimes a guy will fall for a woman too easily and without much, or any effort on her part (i.e. she never felt the need to impress him because he made it clear that no matter what, he just wanted to be with her. She could treat him badly, be disrespectful, be late, ignore him and he would still keep coming at her, hoping to get her to love him more. Alternatively, he said I love you first and often, before she even felt like she loved him).
Yet, that’s not what the majority of women really want from a boyfriend-girlfriend, or even husband-wife relationship.
Instead, a woman wants a man who stands up to her in an assertive, but loving way and makes her feel the need to impress him and maintain his interest as well.
In terms of saying, “I love you” most women want to be able to say it first and only when they truly love a guy.
So many guys make the mistake of saying, “I love you” on the first night, first date or simply before the woman says it or feels it.
As a result, he takes that away from her and she doesn’t get to be a woman who is in love with her man and hoping to get him to love her as much as she loves him.
Instead, she’s with a guy who is love with her, while she is still unsure if she is in love with him.
So, if something similar happened with your ex girlfriend, then you need to know that she will be searching for a rare feeling that so many women never get to experience.
The feeling of wanting to impress a man and win him over.
You can still make your ex feel that way about you, but you have to start approaching interactions with her in a completely different way.
In other words, you need to start being a challenge for her, so she lights up and feels compelled to impress you, be good to you and win you over.
In the process of doing that, her feelings for you will awaken and she will feel drawn to being with you.
She will realize that she doesn’t want to keep you around as a back up plan anymore because if you happen to meet a new woman, that woman will almost certainly like you now.
So, to avoid being left behind by you, she opens up and gives the relationship another chance.
Another reason for a woman to keep her ex around as a back up plan is…
5. She is uncertain whether or not he is right for her, so she wants to date other guys to find out
When a woman is with a man who makes her feel the way she wants to feel in a relationship (i.e. respectful of him, attracted to him, in love, wanting to impress him and maintain his interest, proud to be his girlfriend, feminine in comparison to his masculine approach to the relationship, hopeful about a future together), she doesn’t feel the need to be with anyone else.
She knows that it would be her loss to leave him, because she’d struggle to find another man who can make her feel the way he does.
As a result, she feels motivated to be the best woman to him that she can be, so he will want to stick with her for life.
On the other hand, when a woman wants to date other guys, it means that something was missing from the attraction experience she was getting from her boyfriend.
For example: Some of those things might be…
- He stopped being the confident guy she fell in love with and instead became insecure and needy. This caused her to stop feeling respect for him and no longer feeling as proud to be his girlfriend.
- He let her boss him around and get her way, even when she didn’t deserve it, rather than be the one wearing the pants in the relationship. This stopped her from feeling the need to impress him. She also felt turned off by his lack of masculinity because he couldn’t even stand up to a woman and get her to comply and be respectful towards him.
- He made her feel more like a non-sexual friend than a desirable woman. As a result, she stopped feeling as though she was in love with him in a boyfriend-girlfriend way and started feeling as though they were just buddies now.
- He became emotionally dependent on her (i.e. needed her to show him love, interest and affection, otherwise he couldn’t feel confident and secure). This caused him to become clingy and smothering, which made her lose respect for him.
How about you?
What part of the overall attraction experience in a relationship was missing between you and her?
What part of it weren’t you able to offer her (i.e. did you become insecure and as a result, weren’t able to offer the feeling that comes with being with a confident boyfriend)?
If you honestly want to stop being your ex girlfriend’s back up plan and want to get her back, you need to focus on understanding the type of attraction experience she really wants and then begin giving it to her during interactions with you.
Don’t ask her what she really wants though, because women don’t tell guys about that.
You either know this stuff, or you don’t.
A woman doesn’t want to be a guy’s teacher in life about how to be a man.
If you need to learn that, you learn it from other men, or from a lot of experience with women throughout life.
I’m here to help you, so make sure you learn what you need to learn and then interact with her and re-attract her, so you can get her back.
5 Mistakes to Avoid if You Want Her Back For Real
1. Rejecting her offer to be friends because you think it will make you seem needy
Being friends with your ex will only seem needy to her if you behave in needy ways (e.g. text, call or message her all the time and ask her what she’s doing, make yourself available to her 24/7).
However, if you accept her friendship, let her know that you completely accept the break up and then calmly and confidently re-attract her, she will see you as charming, interesting and intriguing.
She will experience new, compelling feelings for you that she will want to explore by meeting up with you and hopefully getting to a hug, kiss and then sex.
Always remember though: Being your ex’s so-called ‘friend’ is not about being a nice, innocent non-flirtatious friend who is in the friend zone and isn’t ‘allowed’ to flirt with her.
Instead, it’s about being her friend and using that as an opportunity to interact with her, re-attract her and naturally seduce her back into a relationship with you.
2. Expressing your feelings for her in the hope that it makes her realize her feelings for you
If a woman doesn’t feel attracted or in love with her ex and has dumped him as a result, she isn’t going to suddenly feel attracted and in love if he tells her about his feelings for her.
She already knows how he feels and that he wants her back.
It’s obvious to her.
So, what should you do instead?
If you want your ex girlfriend to care about losing you and want you back, you need to reawaken her sexual and romantic feelings for you.
You then need to let her get the sense that she is going to lose you, if she doesn’t give you another chance.
When she gets that sense and realizes that other women will find the new and improved you attractive, she will naturally want something to happen between you and her.
Yet, if you try to get her back by telling her about your feelings, then it’s going to be one-sided and therefore, she’s not going to be interested.
3. Doing more of what got you dumped in the first place
If you keep using the same approach with your ex girlfriend that you’ve been using up to this point (e.g. being too nice to her, giving her power over you that she doesn’t want), she’s not going to suddenly think, “Wow! He’s so nice to me. He’s so loyal. Why did I ever break up with him?”
It’s just not how it works.
You’ve got to use a new approach with her that causes her to feel the need to respect you, appreciate you and love you.
That’s how she really wants to feel.
She doesn’t want to feel as though it’s all about you hoping to get another chance with her.
If you make her feel that way, she will make you feel like her back up plan.
Then, before you know it, you will hear, “Sorry, but I’ve met someone new and I really like him. So, please stop contacting me. I wish you all the best and will hold a special place for you in my heart. Goodbye.”
4. Not letting her see that you’re happy and enjoying life without her
Sometimes a guy assumes that his ex will get angry and never want to speak to him again, if she sees that he is happy and enjoying his life (around other people).
He assumes that he needs to show her that he’s sitting around at home, being 100% loyal to her, even though she’s out there doing whatever she wants.
Alternatively, he assumes that seeing him enjoying himself around other people (via photos or videos on his social media), will cause her to want to do the same and she might then meet a new guy.
Yet, while a woman might pretend to be angry, she will secretly be feeling worried that she is losing her ex who loved her so much, which then causes her to want to draw him back in.
In the process of doing that, she feels more desire to get him back and it then becomes a whole lot easier for him.
Of course, sometimes a woman will go out and want to party and be around other people to make her ex feel bad, but she will be thinking about him.
If she doesn’t meet a new guy that she likes and she’s had a few drinks, or comes back home alone, guess who she’s going to be texting?
Another mistake to avoid is…
5. Assuming that she will want you back for real if you cut off contact
The reality is that your ex girlfriend might reach out to you to check and confirm that you’re still missing her, but that doesn’t mean she wants you back.
In fact, she might even be having sex, dating or in a relationship with another guy already and simply contact you to check to see if you still want her, so she can feel better about herself.
She can then get on with her life with confidence, knowing that she has two men who think she’s amazing and want to be with her.
Alternatively, she might never contact you at all and just move on with someone else instead.
That’s why, I recommend that you take control of the situation.
Prepare yourself to interact with her and re-attract her and then do it.
You will be surprised at how quickly her behavior and treatment of you changes.
Suddenly, she wants you back and she’s at your place, in your arms, looking into your eyes.
You’re holding her and thinking, “Yes, I did it!”