4 things you can do right now:
1. Accept your part in the break up
When a couple breaks up, it’s rarely the case that one person was 100% to blame for everything.
No one is perfect, so mistakes will have been made in the relationship by both the woman and the man.
Of course, if you’ve been holding a grudge against your ex, you might feel as though she is to blame for a lot of what went wrong, or for how badly you’ve been feeling since the break up.
So, how can you stop holding a grudge now?
The first thing you need to do is clearly and honestly acknowledge that you also made mistakes in the relationship that led to her acting and behaving the way she did.
In fact, when you really think about it, you might be able to realize that she probably would have continued to treat you well, be faithful and stick with you if you hadn’t changed so much (e.g. become insecure) and turned her off.
For example: Imagine her in a relationship with the ideal version of yourself that you sometimes think about.
The version of you that is truly confident, manly, capable and who doesn’t react in an insecure way to her or anything else in life.
Imagine how she would have felt with that version of you, compared to who you became in the relationship.
By doing that, you can begin to take some responsibility for how you changed her.
Of course, that doesn’t mean that you are 100% to blame and she’s an innocent little angel.
Instead, it simply means you’re emotionally mature enough to see that you do have an effect on people and it’s not always positive.
Think about it this way…
Imagine a woman is in a relationship with a man because he is confident, loving, kind and an all around good guy.
He also makes her feel sexy, desirable and like she’s the most beautiful woman in the world, in his eyes.
Yet, despite all that, he’s not a pushover type of guy.
She still gets the sense that she needs to continue to look good to impress him, continue to treat him well and be good to him, otherwise he could lose interest in her.
This motivates her to be a good woman to him, treat him well, be loving and faithful, while at the same time, also put in the effort to look good for him to keep him happy and attracted to her.
That kind of relationship brings out the best in a woman.
Yet, the same man can bring out the worst in a woman simply by changing his approach to her and the relationship.
For example: Imagine that although he continues to be nice and loving towards her, as time goes by, he stops making her feel like a desirable woman and starts treating her more like a neutral friend.
He starts to lose confidence and become insecure, jealous and a little controlling or needy.
This gives her the sense that he’s no longer the confident guy she fell in love with and he’s turned into a typical, insecure guy that is scared of losing her.
As a result, her feelings for him begin to change, along with her behavior towards him.
Although she might still care for him as a person, she begins to feel unhappy, disappointed, irritated and restless.
She begins to get angry at him, throw tantrums and no longer shows him the respect she once did.
Eventually, she begins feeling drawn to other men and possibly cheats, or lines up a new guy to replace him with after the break up.
She then breaks up with him and naturally, he feels betrayed by her.
As a result, he can end up holding a grudge against her and blaming her for the break up, or for how badly he has felt since the break up.
Now, the thing is, she isn’t an innocent angel in all of this.
She cheated, lined up a new guy or she became bitchy and treated her ex badly leading up to the break up.
So, she is partly to blame for the break down of the relationship.
However, if her ex can accept his part in the break up (i.e. he stopped making her feel the way she wanted to feel in a relationship, which caused her to pull away or change as a person), then he will see that he shouldn’t be holding a grudge.
As for you, it’s important that you start with accepting your part in the break up, or your part in changing her and bringing out the bad side of her that you ended up seeing or experiencing.
If you’re able to accept that, you will then realize that you could have kept the relationship together and happy, but more importantly, you can also get her back now if you really want to.
By making some adjustments and changes to how you approach interactions with women, so you can naturally attract your ex the next time you interact with her.
How? What needs to be changed or adjusted?
It depends on the guy, but some examples of a guy changing and becoming attractive to an ex woman include him being so much more confident than before, no longer reacting to her in an insecure way, being more manly in his behavior or conversation style, being able to flirt with her to create sexual tension and so on.
There are so many ways to attract an ex woman.
If you focus on doing that when you interact with her next, you won’t be holding a grudge against her.
Instead, you will be holding her against your body.
She will be back with you, looking you in the eyes, kissing you the way she used to and feeling attracted and excited about the man you’ve become and how you now make her feel.
That might sound impossible to you now, especially after all you and her went through and how bad the break up was.
Yet, every day, millions of couples get back together, even though their break up was bad, bad things were said and grudges were held.
What changes everything is attraction.
When you make her feel attracted to the new and improved you when you interact with her, her perception of you changes.
She begins to realize that her feelings for you aren’t dead, so she then opens back up and you can get her back.
Another way to stop holding a grudge against your ex is to…
2. Put yourself in her shoes and imagine how you would have reacted
Up until recently, you’ve probably only been focusing on seeing things from your point of view, rather than putting yourself in her shoes and feeling what she would have felt.
As a result, you may have been mostly only remembering the negative ways your ex acted and behaved leading up to and immediately after the break up.
For example: Leading up to the break up she might have…
- Lied to you and said that everything was “Fine,” even though she was secretly getting ready to leave you.
- Stopped being the loving, attentive woman that you fell in love with.
- Acted cold and distant towards you.
- Withheld sex or affection from you.
- Gotten into arguments with you about seemingly irrelevant or trivial things that she wouldn’t have gotten upset about in the past.
- Called you names and accused you of being a bad boyfriend/husband.
- Been secretive and suspicious in her behavior.
- Been increasingly selfish towards you, or unfair in her treatment of you.
Then, after the break up, she may have…
- Acted bitchy towards you and refused to listen to anything you had to say, as you tried to get her back, or get her to admit what she’d done wrong.
- Hooked up with, or started dating another guy immediately after she left you.
- Talked badly about you to mutual friends, or to her family.
- Blocked your number, unfriended you on social media and refused to see you again.
- Sent you cold or rude texts.
- Became a completely different person, where she seemed to just forget about or not care about all the things you and her had been through.
Naturally, that kind of behavior from her can cause you to feel hard done by, betrayed or disrespected.
It can also lead you to think that she is the one who is being unreasonable, unfair, selfish and cold, which can then result in you holding a grudge against her.
Yet, just for a moment, try to see things from her perspective and decide if it’s possible that you would’ve reacted in the same way that she did (or in a similar way) if you were in her place.
If you can’t imagine being in your ex’s shoes, imagine a random woman who was feeling unhappy in her relationship with a boyfriend.
Somewhere along the line, he stopped being the confident, emotional strong man that she fell in love with.
Instead, he ended up becoming very needy and insecure instead, which began to reduce her feelings of respect and attraction for him.
Initially, she tried to overlook his insecurity and reassured him that she loved him and would never leave him.
Yet, he continued to be clingy and insecure, which resulted in him becoming very jealous and controlling..
Over time, his behavior became too much for her to put up with any longer, so she started switching off her feelings and preparing (emotionally) to break up with him.
As a result, from his perspective, she suddenly seemed to be acting very cold and distant, which then caused him to become more insecure, jealous and controlling.
He accused her of wanting to cheat, or liking a guy from work, texting with an ex, looking at other men when they were walking together and so on.
Of course, this then led to arguments and disagreements between them, which pushed her away even further.
Eventually, she lost all respect and attraction for him and realized that there was no point sticking with the relationship anymore.
The guy she fell in love with had changed and become very unattractive, so she decided to cut her losses now, break up with him and try to move on.
After the break up, her ex behaved in all sorts of unattractive ways as he attempted to change her mind and get another chance.
- He begged and pleaded with her to give him another chance.
- He promised her he would do whatever she wanted.
- He sent her flowers and gifts.
- He sent her long text messages and emails pouring his heart out to her.
- He got angry and accused her of being a terrible girlfriend/wife to him.
- He cried to her.
- He threatened to hurt himself, or end his life.
- He said he was lost and depressed without her.
- He reached out to her friends or family for help.
- He posted sad updates on social media.
- He pleaded with her to explain what he did wrong, so he could fix it.
Unfortunately for him, his ‘lost guy’ behavior only convinced her that she made the right decision by breaking up with him after all.
Women don’t want to be with a guy that they have to teach and mentor into becoming a man.
A woman wants a man who understands it, or learns it from other men and then gets on with being it, rather than looking to her to mother him, or guide him.
So, when he displayed confusion, insecurity, emotional weakness and pleaded with her to help him, it only turned her off even more.
As a result, she then began to move on without him by dating new men, or getting into a new relationship right away, or shortly after the break up.
This resulted in him feeling like she’d stabbed in the back, or betrayed him and essentially thrown him out like a piece of garbage that she didn’t care about.
After all he did for her, after all they’d been through, after all the loving words they’d said to each other; it all meant nothing to her.
Naturally, he then began to hold a grudge against her.
What he probably didn’t realize and won’t realize for a long time, is that he brought that bad side of her out by becoming unattractive to her.
If the situation were reversed and he’d gotten into a relationship with a hot girl who treated him well, but she then turned into an unattractive woman who treated him badly, he probably would have changed how he treated her too.
That’s how relationships work.
If you want a relationship to last, you have to bring out the right side of a person and keep it that way.
Happy couples who remain in love for life do that.
Those who don’t, end up fighting and breaking up.
So, try to see things from her perspective and realize that she isn’t an evil, selfish bitch.
Instead, she’s the girl you initially met, but she changed based on how you made her feel in the relationship.
That might be a tough pill to swallow, but it’s the truth.
Another thing that can help you stop holding a grudge against your ex is to…
3. Understand that loyalty in a romantic relationship is conditional, rather than a given
It would be nice if a couple could get together and then be loyal to each other for life, no matter what happened.
Yet, that’s just not how it works.
For the following reasons…
People mature differently
For example: If a woman begins to mature a lot faster than her guy, she will naturally begin to feel drawn to other people who are more in sync with her more mature way of thinking.
Even though she may initially have said things like, “I want us to be together forever,” or “You’re the love of my life and I can’t imagine my future without you in it,” it simply won’t apply anymore because she’s no longer the same person and either is he.
She’s different now (i.e. more mature), so she now wants other things from her guy (e.g. initially she was happy to party with him and live paycheck to paycheck, but now she wants him to settle down and plan for the future. She initially agreed that they were too young to have children, but now she’s ready to start a family and she wants him to be ready too. She used to hate family gatherings, but now sees the importance of family and wants to stop being so anti-social towards them. She used to like to gossip and waste time, but now she wants to get things done and make progress in life).
If he can’t give her what she wants, she will naturally start to lose touch with her original feelings for him and open herself up to meeting someone else who is at the same emotional level as her, regardless of what she promised to him in the past when they were falling in love.
It sucks that a woman (or a man) would go back on their loving promise, but it’s just the way romantic relationships are.
It’s not like a business contract, or legal promise.
It’s just words said when falling in love, or newly in love.
Those words only remain true if the couple matures together, goes after goals together and makes progress, while remaining in love.
Without that, it’s just going to end.
People make mistakes
For example: A woman might get into a relationship with a guy that she initially believes is her ideal guy, only to realize that he’s not who she thought he was (e.g. he was loving and attentive at first but over time he became selfish, self-absorbed and started taking her for granted).
As a result, she no longer feels the need to be loyal to him and a break up, or cheating and then a break up happens.
Only some people know how to keep a relationship happy, in love and together for life. It’s not a skill or knowledge that people are born with. It’s something that you learn or figure out over time.
So, initially, a woman might say to her boyfriend, “I love you and want to be with you for life,” but then the relationship becomes stale, they fall out of love and she no longer feels the need to be loyal and stick to her ‘in love promise.’
In some cases, a guy will learn and improve his ability to keep his girlfriend or wife feeling attracted, or to fall back in love with him so they can stay together and not have to break up.
Yet, in most cases, a guy will remain clueless about what to do and she will end up leaving.
As a result, he might end up holding a grudge against her because she didn’t give him enough of a chance.
However, the reality is that love between a man and a woman is conditional (i.e. a man and a woman will remain in love if the conditions of the relationship make them feel that way).
If you don’t know how to keep the love alive, you will almost certainly experience another break up in your next relationship because romantic love between a man and a woman is conditional.
It’s not something to hold a grudge against your ex or against women in general about.
Instead, it’s something for you to learn and master in your life, so you don’t have to get dumped again.
Another thing that can help you stop holding a grudge against your ex is to…
4. Make her become less important in your mind (if you want to move on from her)
If you don’t want her back, you need to get to the point where she doesn’t pop into your mind every day, or regularly enough to make you feel sad, rejected, betrayed, angry and so on.
In other words, stop thinking things like, “I can’t believe she did that to me!” or, “How could she treat me that way after everything I did for her?” or, “I thought she loved me and this is how she repays me” or, “How could she be so selfish?”
Remind yourself that whatever happened between you and your ex is now in the past.
You are no longer the same guy she dumped (you’ve leveled up) and she’s likely not the same woman either.
You’ve almost certainly grown from the experience and have become a much better man as a result (e.g. more emotionally strong, better able to cope with difficult situations in life, more assertive and able to stand up for yourself, understand what makes a woman remain in love with a man for life).
As a result, you can now move on, find yourself another woman and have a happy, lifelong relationship with her based on the lessons your ex forced you to learn by dumping you.
Yet, what if you want to get her back?
Keep learning right here, right now.
I’ll show you how to get her back fast, so you can have another chance with her, feel better about yourself and decide what to do from there (e.g. stick with her for life, or dump her and move on).
Regain your power.
Regain your confidence.
Take control of the situation while you still can.
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