Here are the 3 main reasons why:
1. Most women don’t come back on their own
It’s only natural that when a guy gets dumped by his girl and she says something along the lines of, “I’m sorry, but what we had is over. I don’t have feelings for you anymore and it’s best if we go our separate ways. So please accept that I’m not going to change my mind and just move on,” he’s going to feel hurt and a little desperate.
He might then begin thinking things like, “I can’t accept that! She’s the woman for me, but she sounds so definite when she says she will never change her mind. What can I do? Should I leave her alone and wait for her to maybe start missing me and then call me when she’s ready, or should I stick around anyway, even though she said she doesn’t want to see me anymore? I don’t know what the right approach is. I feel so confused.”
He may then read about the No Contact Rule online (i.e. ignoring an ex for 30 to 60 days to make her come back) and decide that he’s going to use that approach.
Yet, here’s the thing…
Most women simply do not respond to that approach in a favorable way. Why?
Firstly, when a woman dumps a guy, it’s usually because she has disconnected from her feelings of respect, attraction and love for him.
So, when he leaves her alone after the break up, rather than think, “Why isn’t he contacting me? Doesn’t he miss me at all? Could he already be moving on with another woman? Now that he’s no longer around, the thought of losing him fills me with dread. I suddenly realize that I don’t really want to be broken up with him anymore,” she instead thinks something like, “I really thought he was going to make it difficult for me to move on, but instead he’s actually leaving me alone and I don’t have to deal with him trying to get me back, or convince me to give him another chance. I can now just focus on moving on with my life and finding the right guy for me.”
Why does she react in that way?
Unless a woman still has feelings for her ex and is secretly hoping that he will try to get her back, or she’s really struggling to find herself a replacement guy, leaving her alone isn’t going to matter that much to her.
This is why she has to be re-attracted first (rather than avoided), so she has a reason to come back.
Here’s what you need to remember…
If a woman is beautiful, or even just attractive, it will usually be quite easy for her to find another guy who wants to have a relationship with her
For example: There will be guys at work/university/the gym that will have their eye on her again now that she can now start dating.
Alternatively, she can join an online dating site or use a dating app and she will have 100s of guys eagerly lining up to meet her for a date.
It’s really that easy for a woman to find a new man (i.e. because guys are mostly attracted to a woman’s appearance and will date her based on that and then see how things evolve from there).
So, if you just leave you ex alone after the break up and wait to see if she’ll come back to you rather than actively re-attracting her, you are setting yourself up for even more heartache.
Remember: The more time you give your ex to get over you, the harder it becomes to get her back (e.g. because she moves on and hooks up with another guy, she realizes that she enjoys being single again, she starts to doubt your feelings for her and becomes annoyed with you for not having the balls to get her back when you had the chance).
This is why, if you want to get your ex back, then the last thing you should be doing right now is leaving her alone.
Give her a few days of space if she needs it just to let things calm down, but more than 7 days is just a waste of time.
You need to contact her, preferably by calling her on the phone or seeing her in person and you need to actively begin reawakening her sexual and romantic feelings for you again (e.g. by making her laugh and smile, showing her that you’re at a different level now than when she dumped you, flirting with her to create a sexual vibe).
When she experiences the new you and likes you again, it becomes more difficult for her to continue thinking about you in a negative way.
Her negative thoughts and memories about you (e.g. anger, resentment, disappointment) get replaced with new, positive feelings (e.g. respect, attraction, excitement) and she then becomes open to the idea of getting back together again.
However, if you leave her alone, she will quickly get over you, move on and forget you were ever a part of her life.
Another reason why you shouldn’t leave your ex alone if she dumped you is…
2. Leaving her alone doesn’t fix the things about you that will turn her off if you interact with her again
Sometimes a guy can avoid his ex for weeks or even months.
Yet, when he finally does interact with her (e.g. he calls her to say hi, he bumps into her somewhere, she calls him to see how he’s been), she realizes that rather than have changed and improved, even just a little bit, he’s instead stuck at the same level he was at when she dumped him.
She then usually makes up some kind of excuse why she can’t talk to him anymore (e.g. she says something like, “Anyway, it’s nice hearing from you/talking to you again, but I’m seeing someone else now and he’s a bit of jealous type, so I can’t talk to you anymore. Good luck with your life, I hope everything works out for you. Bye”) even if it’s a lie, simply to get rid of him.
So, if you don’t want that to happen to you, you’ve got to get clear on the real reasons why your ex dumped you and make some quick changes.
By the way…
What most guys need to change about themselves is almost never something big like he’s abusive towards her, he’s too much of an irresponsible bad boy, or he’s addicted to alcohol or drugs.
Instead, it’s usually very subtle things like how much power she seems to have over him during conversations, the difference in how emotionally mature one of them is compared to the other, how she always seems to get irritated at him during conversations these days because he doesn’t listen to her and instead jokes around and acts frivolous.
In the same way, there are almost certainly some small subtle things about your thinking and behavior that turned your ex off enough for her to want to dump you and leaving her alone won’t fix that.
Only you can do that, by first understanding what those things are for you and then taking action to change them.
Note: That doesn’t mean you have to become perfect to be able to re-attract your ex, only better.
So, if you’re unsure of what secret, subtle things about you caused your ex to dump you, here is a list of some of the common things that turn women off about their men:
- His inability to take the lead in the relationship so she can relax into thinking, talking and acting like a feminine woman around him. Instead she has to be the one wearing the pants and making all the decisions, which makes her feel more like a man than an attractive, feminine woman.
- Being hesitant and timid around her or in social situations.
- Putting more emphasis on what she considers the unimportant things in life (e.g. playing video games, spending all his time on social media, watching sports with his friends), rather than on the important things (e.g. his goals and dreams, his career, preparing for their future together by investing some money).
- Not putting in much effort to get to know her family and friends even though she’s told him that they are an important part of her life.
- Not being very supportive of her dreams and maybe even being a bit condescending of her (e.g. she says she wants to advance in her career and he laughs and says something like, “What you’re doing is fine for now, but if we get married all that will change, because you will have me and out children to take care of.”)
- He’s too needy and clingy and doesn’t have any hobbies, interests or friends apart from her.
When your ex can see for herself that you’ve put in the effort to change and improve, she will naturally feel respect for you again for being the kind of man who takes action, rather than expecting things to change all by themselves.
When she starts respecting you again, she will also begin to feel surges of attraction for you and with those two emotions back in place, loving you becomes something she opens back up to.
On the other hand if you leave her alone and do nothing and then after a few weeks or months try to get her back, she will likely push you away, because she can see that it will be more of the same, or even worse than before.
Another reason why you shouldn’t leave your ex alone if she dumped you is…
3. Leaving her alone will often make her feel motivated to move on quickly to avoid feeling rejected by you
When a woman dumps a guy and he then immediately disappears from her life, rather than sit around feeling hurt and having to deal with the pain of the break up and the fact that he’s not even trying to get her back, she usually moves on and makes herself feel fulfilled with another guy.
Even if a woman doesn’t really want to date again so soon after her break up, she usually doesn’t want to experience pain and rejection even more.
So, she will go out and hook up with the first available guy, to begin getting over her ex.
Even if a woman still has some feelings for her ex and is possibly regretting dumping him, or she only dumped him to shock him into becoming a better man, him leaving her alone actually motivates her get over him.
Imagine a woman is sitting at home after a break up and missing her ex.
Although she might be feeling some pain, anger and disappointment about the way things turned out between them, she also feels a bit hopeful that the shock of the break up will have shaken her ex up and caused him to change and improve a little bit and they can then work things out and get back together again.
Yet, when she doesn’t hear from him again for days, then weeks, then months, she takes it as a sign that he didn’t really care enough about her to change or even call her to see how she is.
She may then think something along the lines of, “What a fool I’ve been. I really believed he cared about me and that he would do something to make things right between us. I guess the joke is on me, because I’ve been the one missing him and hoping we can fix our relationship, while he hasn’t felt the need to even text me once to check how I’m feeling. Well, it’s over now. This is the last second I’m wasting thinking about him. From this moment onwards I’m going to do whatever it takes to move on and find myself a real man who will treat me the way I deserve!”
She then focuses on fully getting over him (e.g. by going out to clubs, bars and parties with her single friends and making herself available to the guys she meets there, hooks up with guys sexually).
If her ex then happens to contact her after ignoring her for a while, she says something like, “What do you want after all this time? What we had is over. You need to accept that and move on. I have. I’m with someone else now and I’m happy, so please don’t call me again.”
However, that can easily be avoided if you make sure that you don’t leave your ex alone after she dumped you and instead focus on using every interaction you have with her as an opportunity to make her feel sparks of respect and attraction for you again.
The more she enjoys interacting with you again, the more her defenses will come down,
She then becomes open to the idea of getting back together again.
On the other hand, if you leave her alone, the more time she has to get over you and find herself another guy who makes her feel strong surges of sexual and romantic attraction for him.
Common Problems Guys Experience When They Get Dumped
Before you decide whether you want to leave your ex alone or not now that you and her have broken up, make sure you’re prepared to deal with the following problems:
1. Leaving her alone, but constantly thinking about her and becoming an emotional wreck as a result
It’s fine if a guy wants to leave his ex alone if she dumped him and move on without her and find himself another, even better woman than her.
However, in most cases, that’s not what happens.
Instead, the guy stops interacting with his ex (e.g. because he thinks she won’t want to hear from him, he hopes it will make her miss him and change her mind about being broken up), only to find himself constantly thinking about her and missing her.
He might then go around feeling sad, depressed, hopeless and like he can’t move on and live a happy, fulfilling life without her.
As a result, he becomes the exact opposite of what he should become if he wants to have a chance with his ex again (e.g. wimpy, needy, desperate vs. confident, emotionally independent, emotionally masculine).
Then, if he happens to interact with his ex again and she picks up on the fact that he’s an emotional wreck without her, rather than think, “I never realized how much I mean to him. He’s totally lost without me. That’s just so sweet. Maybe I should give him another chance,” she instead thinks, “Now I know I made the right decision by dumping him. He really isn’t the right man for me. I need someone who is emotionally strong enough to handle a woman like me and my ex clearly isn’t that guy.”
She then happily moves on without him (if she hasn’t already done that), without feeling any regrets whatsoever.
So, if you’re planning to leave your ex alone, make sure it’s not to sit at home wallowing in misery.
Instead, use the time to become emotionally independent of her (e.g. by pursuing your own goals, dreams, hobbies and interests).
When you get to the point where you can be happy with or without your ex in your life, two interesting things happen…
Firstly, you find yourself not missing her that much anymore.
Sure you want her back, but you’re not feeling lost without her.
Secondly, you automatically become more attractive to your ex (and to other women) because you are now an emotionally strong, independent man she can look up to, respect, feel attracted to and love.
As a result, getting her back becomes easy, because you’re now the kind of man she always wanted you to be.
The next problem you might encounter is…
2. She doesn’t ever contact you, so you eventually contact her to tell her how you feel
Most of the time, when a woman dumps a guy, it’s mostly because she has lost touch with her feelings of respect, attraction and love for him.
So, when he backs off and leaves her alone, rather than contact him, she usually just assumes that he’s moving on and then she focuses on doing the same thing too.
If he then realizes that she’s not going to come running back to him, so he contacts her instead (e.g. via text, e-mail, on a phone call) and starts saying things like, “I really tried to leave you alone and get on with my life, but I simply can’t do it. I still love you too much and my life feels empty without you,” he’s shocked to discover that she doesn’t really care how he feels. Why?
In most cases, the woman has either moved on by that point, she says that it’s too little too late, or she ignores him because the feelings aren’t mutual.
So, don’t let that happen to you.
Don’t leave your ex alone if you actually want to get her back.
If you don’t interact with her and actively stop her process of moving on and reactivate her feelings for you, you will almost certainly end up losing her.
The next problem you might encounter is…
3. You try to get her back by discussing the relationship or trying to work things out between you That doesn’t work unless the feelings are made mutual first
If you don’t properly re-attract your ex and make her feel some sparks of respect and attraction for you again, hearing you talk about the relationship and getting back together again may cause her to say things like, “Are you crazy? Why are you talking about getting back together again? I broke up with you for a reason and that hasn’t changed. I’m sorry if you can’t accept that, but I don’t want to get back together in a relationship with you. What we had is over and it’s time that we just acknowledge that we’re not right for each other and move on. Please just accept that and let me get on with my life.”
This is why, if you want your ex to be interested in giving you another chance, you have to focus on making her have sexual and romantic feelings for you again.
You need to make her want to get back with you for her own reasons (e.g. it makes her feel good, she feels like you and her are right for each other, she can see that you and her have a future together, she feels respect, attraction and love for you), rather than for your reasons (e.g. you miss her and can’t live without her, you want her back to feel good about yourself).
When you do that, she automatically stops putting up walls every time you interact with her, which then allows her to explore her feelings for you and for the idea of giving you another chance.
However, if you try to get her back before reactivating her feelings first, she will keep saying, “No,” and you will struggle to convince her.
Here at The Modern Man, we recommend a much easier, faster way of getting an ex woman back.