4 possible reasons why your ex said that you weren’t emotionally open enough for her are:
1. You Didn’t Know How to Express Love in a Mature Way
Expressing love like a mature man is to be fearless, but not needy.
This means that you are fearless in telling a woman how much you love her, but you don’t always talk about your feelings like a needy guy would.
A needy guy is always leaning on his woman for emotional support or reassurance that she loves him.
Obviously, you didn’t do that because you were most likely more detached and unemotional, which is the opposite extreme of being needy.
Here’s the thing though…
Even though a woman doesn’t want a needy guy, she also doesn’t want a guy who is so closed up that he is afraid to express his love for her.
She might put up with it for a while (years in many cases), but she will eventually get tired of how detached and unemotional he seems to be.
She begins to think, “If I stick with this guy for life, I’m never going to get to experience what it feels like to be in a relationship with a man loves me fearlessly. Do I really want that?”
If she has girlfriends who are in relationships, or if she watches a lot of romance dramas on TV, she will know that what she has with her emotionally closed up guy isn’t it.
She will know that there is more to a relationship between a man and a woman than just being together.
It’s about real love.
The little rush of excitement, yearning and happiness that you get in your heart when you think of each of other while apart, even if one of you has just gone grocery shopping.
You love each other so much and it feels so good to be with each other.
That’s what women really want to experience and it’s also amazing for us men too.
I know that because I’m a happily married man. My wife asked me to marry her many times and I eventually said yes. She is totally in love.
Yet, I don’t make her feel less than me.
My wife is sexy, beautiful and I love her completely…and she knows it.
I don’t hide my love and attraction from her, but I’m not on the extreme end either like a needy guy who always talks about his “feelings.”
I express my love for her in a masculine, mature way. It’s never, ever needy. I express it when we are talking about how good our relationship is or or when she does something really nice or thoughtful for me.
Essentially, a masculine man who is fearless with his love will tell a woman that he loves her and will be open to discussing his feelings if she asks for it, but he won’t push it on her.
He understands that opening up to a woman emotionally doesn’t mean he’s weak or needy.
Instead, it shows his strength because he’s not afraid of what she might think.
He knows that women deeply respect, feel attracted to and love men who are fearless (not needy) with their expression of love when required.
I say, “when required” because it’s not always necessary to tell her how you feel.
You only need to give her that at times, not all the time!
So, in your case, where your woman said that you weren’t emotionally open up for her, you simply needed to be more brave and courageous with expressing yourself.
You needed to know that saying, “I love you” or telling her that you don’t ever plan on leaving her and look forward to spending your life with her, does not make you weak.
In fact, it makes you strong because you know that you aren’t afraid of anything she might think or say in response.
For example: My wife isn’t an easy woman to handle. She’s very confident and is always testing my confidence.
Sometimes, if I say something sweet to her, she will say something like, “Whatever” or “Gross…you’re so romantic” to see if I crumble.
Of course, I never crumble, but she always likes to check. She’s only joking, but she does it in a serious way.
A woman will always test her man’s confidence because it makes her feel respect, attraction and love for him if he doesn’t crumble under fake pressure.
If he does crumble and become insecure, sulky or angry, she will lose respect for him and partially detach from her feelings of respect and attraction for him.
It’s just how women are.
They’re pretty much designed to strengthen us men…and that’s a good thing.
In your case, your woman would have been hoping that you’d man up and stop hiding your emotions so much, but you didn’t.
So, she broke up with you.
If you’re like most men who’ve been dumped for that reason, you’ve most likely become super open with your emotions now.
Don’t do that.
She doesn’t want you to turn into an emotional wuss or become needy by constantly talking about your emotions and needs.
She just wants you to relax and know that it’s more than enough if you express your emotions in a relaxed, easy-going way when required.
When you do that, she feels respect, love and attraction for you for being man enough to open up to her, without being needy or insecure about it.
Another possible reason why your ex said that you weren’t open enough emotionally is…
2. You Thought She’d Like it if You Were Closed Up and Mysterious
If you’ve ever looked through of one of those romantic novels that women love to read, or watched a romantic Hollywood movie, you may have noticed that beautiful woman usually falls head over heels in love with a mysterious stranger who keeps his feelings hidden from her throughout most of the book, or movie.
He builds up the sexual tension between him and her by constantly making her wonder, “Is he going to call me? He was so wonderful last night but today he’s being so cold and distant… what does that mean? Does he love me or is he just playing games with me? I don’t know what to do… I just want him so desperately! Does he like me, or does he like that other woman?”
Eventually, by the end of the book, or movie, the woman can’t control herself anymore and desperately declares her undying love for the guy, he takes her into his arms and they ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after.
Of course, in real life, things usually don’t work out like that.
Although a woman might initially feel attracted to a guy who is mysterious, if over time she finds that he just can’t, or won’t, open up to her, she will likely begin to feel insecure in the relationship with him.
She will begin to feel as though he’s just using her and waiting for better woman to come along.
If she feels that way, she will usually start flirting with other guys and getting replacement guys ready to hook up with her right after she breaks up with him.
Alternatively, she might cheat on him and then break up with him without telling him about the other guy unless he asks.
Here’s the thing…
Being really mysterious and closed up emotionally might work in novels and movies, but if a woman doesn’t feel loved and taken care of in her relationship with a guy, she won’t be able to relax and truly commit to her guy.
Most women want to be with a man they can feel sexually attracted to, respect and fall in love with over time, not a guy who makes her think, “I just don’t know how he feels about me. Is this relationship going somewhere, or am I just wasting my time?”
That is fun for a woman during the dating phase of a relationship (women often refer to guys like that as a challenge and they love it), but when a couple has been together for a while, a woman wants to know that the guy loves her for real and is planning on sticking with her.
Another reason why you’re ex may have said that you were closed up emotionally is…
3. You Honestly Didn’t Know if You Truly Loved Her
Sometimes, a guy won’t open up emotionally with a woman because deep down, he doesn’t even know if he really loves her.
He likes her, enjoys spending time with her and likes having sex with her, but he’s not actually sure if she’s the woman that he wants to share his life with in the long term.
So, the question you need to ask yourself right now is, “Do I really love my ex and feel that we have a future together, or do I just want her back because I’m too afraid/insecure/lazy to find another woman that I really want to open up to and commit to for life?”
If you can honestly say that you truly love your ex and want her in your life, then it’s very important that when you interact with her from now on (e.g. via text or e-mail, on social media, on a phone call, or in person) you focus on re-sparking her feelings of respect and attraction for you again.
You need to show her, by the way you think, talk, behave and interact with her, that you’re no longer the emotionally closed up guy she broke up with.
That doesn’t mean you have to go overboard to show her how much you care and how much she means to you now.
Don’t do that.
Don’t become the classic needy, emotionally sensitive ex.
It doesn’t work.
For example: A guy might try to show his ex that he’s more emotionally open now by saying things like, “I know that I didn’t say this to you when we were together, but I really, really love you. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me and I just can’t imagine being without you. Just give me one more chance and I promise that I’ll tell you that I love you every day from now on. I don’t want any other woman. I only want you. Please just give me a chance to prove that to you.”
To convince her that he really means what he says, might also buy her flowers, chocolates and expensive gifts and he may also pay for some of her bills and expenses, to show her how much he really does care.
Yet, if a woman has lost respect and attraction for a guy and has closed herself off from loving him, she’s not going to change her mind if he suddenly opens up.
Of course, in some cases a woman will change her mind, but that usually only applies to very young women who have little or no experience with relationships.
Pretty much every other woman knows that when a guy is acting desperate and promising her the world, it’s just an act to get her back so he can feel better about himself.
She will think, “Too little too late. I needed you to open up to me when we were together. Things have changed now. I just don’t feel like I can trust you to stay this way if I give you another chance.”
So, don’t make the mistake of getting desperate and turning up your emotional availability to the point where you start to feel like a woman to her (i.e. because women are the one’s who are supposed to go around wearing their emotions on their sleeve all the time) or like a needy guy.
What should you do instead?
Show her that you’ve changed by talking about it in a relaxed, easy-going manner like a real man would.
For example: When you interact with her on a phone call, or in person, you can say something like, “Hey, I know that I stuffed up. I was just too afraid to admit my feelings for you before. I know that I caused you to feel unloved and unappreciated and I’m really sorry for hurting you like that. I’ve realized my mistake and I know that if we got back together again I wouldn’t be that guy anymore. However, I don’t expect you to believe me right now and I don’t expect you to take me back. I just wanted to tell you that I regret the pain I put you through and I want to make it up to you; even if that means we can only be friends for now.”
Of course, when you say that you just want to be friends, it’s not about actually being friends.
Being friends is simply a way for you to regain her feelings of respect and attraction for you, so she can naturally reconnect with her love and desire for you.
By the way…
If she says something like, “I don’t know if I can believe you that you have changed,” don’t get upset and say something like, “It’s really true! I really love you. How many times must I say it before you will believe me?”
Relax, smile and respond in a confident way by saying something along the lines of, “Look…I can go around saying “I love you” all day long, but you’re still not going to believe me. As the old saying going, actions speak louder than words, so let’s just catch up to say hi. We can get to know each other all over again as the people we are now, rather than who we used to be in the past. You can then make up your mind about me based on what you experience now, instead of thinking about the guy I used to be before. You are in control. You can go with how you feel, not with what I say.”
When you say something like that to her, she starts to feel understood.
She begins to see that you really do now understand where you went wrong and have already made changes and adjustments to your behavior.
For example: You’re more open and loving towards her, you speaking freely about emotions and you’re not trying to hide how you really feel about things anymore.
When she notices that, it automatically triggers some of her feelings of respect for you again.
Her guard comes down and she begins to think, “Maybe he has changed after all. If he really is more emotionally open now, maybe I can allow myself to love him again. Maybe we can actually make our relationship work this time. I feel differently now. I want to give this a shot. I think it will work this time. I can feel it.”
Another reason why your ex may have accused you of being closed up emotionally is…
4. You Took Her For Granted
Sometimes, a guy falls into the trap of believing that the love between him and his woman will last for life because it was so good at the start of a relationship.
He might even think, “Why should I tell her that I love her all the time? After all, I’m with her aren’t I? If I didn’t love her I would’ve broken up with her already.”
Yet, that’s not how a loving relationship between a man and a woman really works.
A woman needs to know that she is loved and appreciated all the time, in order for her feelings of respect, attraction and love to grow, develop and strengthen.
In a relationship, it’s the man’s responsibility to build on her feelings of respect, attraction and love over time, rather than taking her commitment to him for granted and expecting that she will fall more in love with him over time by herself.
In many relationships, the guy starts off being very loving and attentive, but eventually falls into the habit of taking his woman for granted once he’s “hooked” her.
For example: A guy might initially say to his woman, “You’re so beautiful. I really love the way you always make an effort to look amazing. I’m really proud to have you as my woman.”
Yet, over time, he may just take it for granted that she always looks good and stops telling her how much he loves and appreciates her efforts to look pretty for him.
In another example, a woman might say to her guy, “I love you,” and rather than genuinely respond to that by saying something like, “I really love you too,” he might brush it off by changing the subject, or by saying something along the lines of, “Thanks,” or “That’s great” or never saying the word love and just saying, “Yeah, you too.”
Essentially, a guy like that is assuming that just because his woman cares so much for him, she’ll put up with anything, forever.
Yet, that’s not how it works.
Naturally, there are some women who will accept being in a relationship with a guy who is emotionally closed off to her (e.g. a woman who is insecure about her attractiveness to other men and fears that she won’t be able to find a replacement guy who is as cool as he is).
Yet, most women won’t put up with it forever.
If a woman realizes that she has always cared so much about him, but he doesn’t do the same for her, she will begin to feel resentful and will start disconnecting from her feelings of love for him.
If he doesn’t change, she will eventually break up with him and look for a replacement guy who isn’t afraid to love her for real.