4 steps to follow if your ex is saying that she needs time to heal from the pain that you’ve caused her…
1. Stop Apologizing
It’s only natural that when a guy gets broken up with, he will want to apologize to her for what happened or what he did.
So, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to say “I’m sorry” to your ex if you caused her some pain.
However, where many guys go wrong is that when a woman is saying things like, “No, I don’t want you in my life anymore,” or “I need time to heal from all the pain you caused me,” he feels that if he keeps apologizing to her over and over again, it will fix the problem.
A guy like that might say, “I’m so sorry for causing you pain. I know I really stuffed up but I will do anything to make it up to you. Please give me a chance to show you how sorry I am. You have no idea how much I regret hurting you. Please forgive me.”
He’s hoping that if he apologizes enough times, his ex will say, “Oh okay. I know you hurt me, but I can see that you really regret your actions so I’m going to forgive you and we can get back together again.”
Yet, it doesn’t work that way.
In most cases, a woman doesn’t want a guy to apologize to her just because he thinks it’s what she wants to hear before she will give him another chance.
Instead, a woman wants to see that a guy has understood her real reasons for breaking up with him (e.g. He was too insecure and emotionally sensitive and needed her to take care of him. He took her for granted and made her feel unloved and unappreciated. He was too jealous and controlling. He stopped making her feel feminine and girly in his presence and started making her feel like “one of the boys” or a friend).
She also wants to see that he has made an effort to change and improve those things about himself, so she can actually feel respect and attraction for him again.
So, if you’ve already apologized to your ex, just remember that she doesn’t need to keep hearing it over and over again.
A better way to get her to open up to you is by telling her that you’re sorry and then briefly explaining to her what you would have done differently if you could go back in time.
For example: You might say to her, “I know that I hurt you and I’m really sorry about that. I was so crazy about you and so worried of losing you that I ended up doing all the wrong things to hopefully not lose you. I started doing silly things that made you love me even less (e.g. being too jealous and controlling, becoming clingy and needy). If I could turn back time, I would definitely do things a lot differently. I know now that when you love someone you need to relax and let it build over time, rather than being so insecure and becoming jealous and needy. It was immature of me to behave like that. Of course, I understand that you probably won’t want to believe me right now and that’s okay. I just want you to know that I’m not that kind of guy anymore. You might think that it’s good for me and my next woman will benefit from that and I don’t mind. You can think however you want, but I realized my mistake and did something about it. I still care about you and I would like us to be friends. I accept that you don’t want to be together right now and that’s okay. I’m not asking you to get back together again, I just want you to be able to forgive me so that we can both move forward without the pain and disappointment of what happened between us. Then we can start over with a clean slate and at least be friends again.”
By saying something like that to your ex, it shows her that you’re no longer the guy who caused her so much pain.
You are different now.
Something really has changed and improved about you now and if she got into a relationship with you again, things would be so much better between you and her.
When you talk to her in this kind of way, she starts to feel some respect and attraction for you again, because she can see that you have learned from your past mistakes and are taking positive steps to become a better man as a result.
This makes it a lot easier for her to forgive you.
When she forgives you, her guard comes down and she stops pushing you away.
By the way…
If you say that you want to be “just friends” with her, make sure that you don’t then act like a friend.
If you want her back for real, you will need to make her feel sexually attracted to you, rather than making her feel like you and her have no sexual spark and are just friends.
Once you’ve stopped apologizing and have switched to re-attracting her (even if it’s under the guise of just being “friends”), you should then…
2. Give Her 3-7 Days of Space
When a woman is saying things like, “Leave me alone. I need time to heal from the pain you’ve caused me,” a guy might decide to stop interacting with her for 30-60 days in the hopes that the time apart will erase her negative feelings for him.
For example: A guy might say to himself, “I really stuffed up with my ex. I think my best chance with her is to give her some space so that she can forgive me. They say that time heals all wounds, so maybe if I give her enough time (30, or even 60+ days) she will get over what happened between us and then she might be more open to getting back together again. Besides, I don’t want to keep contacting her if she’s not ready yet. That might cause her to close herself off from me even more. Also, if I keep texting her, or calling her after she specifically told me to give her time to heal from the pain I’ve caused her, she might get angry with me and then she might never want to get back together again. So, I can’t afford to push her away any further. I’ve got to do what she told me to do. I’m just going to give her the space that she needs and hopefully when she’s ready she will contact me and we can start over again.”
Yet, that’s not how it works.
Giving a woman weeks or months of space isn’t going to make her come running back to him if she doesn’t actually respect him, feel attracted to him and believe that he really could be different this time around.
Rather than cause her to think, “I didn’t think it would bother me this much, but not hearing from my ex is actually painful. I realize now that I still love him and that I want him back. I’d better get in touch with him right away, before he meets another woman and I lose him forever,” she may think, “This is perfect. My ex is leaving me alone and I can now get over the pain he caused me and find myself another guy who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated.”
As the days, weeks and months pass by, she gradually completely forgets about her ex, while he is sitting around waiting and hoping that she comes running back to him.
So, if you want to get back together with your ex, don’t waste a lot of time ignoring her and hoping that she will recover from the pain you caused her, forgive you and then come running back to you.
If she is demanding a lot of space, the most you should give her is 7 days in between each contact.
Any longer than that will not get her back.
Instead, she will just start to move on.
I know this because I’ve personally helped 100s of men via my phone coaching service to get a woman back.
I’ve heard all the stories where guys have used all sorts of strategies to try and get a woman back.
What works is when a guy actively makes her have feelings again, rather than ignoring her.
When a guy just gives his woman space and hopes that she comes running back, it almost always fails.
So, if you are serious about getting her back, I recommend that you…
3. Contact Her and Make Her Smile, Laugh and Feel Good When Interacting With You
After you’ve given your ex between 3 and 7 days of space after apologizing, get in touch with her and actively make her feel some respect and attraction for you again.
Do it by getting her on a phone call, or by having an in-person conversation with her, not via text.
Note: Texting her is fine as a way of opening up the lines of communication (i.e. to arrange a suitable time to call her), but it shouldn’t be your main mode of communication with her. Why?
If your ex currently perceives you in a negative way, seeing a text from you is likely only going to open old wounds and make her think about how you hurt her.
On the other hand, if you call her up on the phone (or meet up with her in person) you have a better chance of making her drop her guard, by showing her (via the way you talk, behave and interact with her) that you really have changed.
One of the ways you can do that is by making her smile and laugh when talking to her.
It’s very important that you make her smile, laugh and feel good if she is being cold, closed off and distant when she talks to you or meets up with you.
For example: Imagine you’re talking to your ex and she is being distant and emotionally closed off.
She then says something like, “I’m just not ready to be around you yet. I need time to heal from the pain you’ve caused me.”
Instinctively, you might want to defend yourself and say, “I’m sorry. I know I hurt you, but please give me a chance to explain and make it up to you.”
However, responding like that won’t make her feel respect and attraction for you again and she will just feel like she has the upper hand (which causes her to lose even more respect for you because she feels more emotionally dominant than you).
So, a better way to respond when she says, “I’m just not ready to be around you yet. I need time to heal from the pain you’ve caused me,” is to turn it into a joke and make her laugh.
You can say something along the lines of, “You’re right. I’m sorry… I don’t want to come across as being pushy and make you feel like I’m trying to rush you. So, how long do you need… 10 more minutes…20… okay, how about 30 more minutes?” and then have a laugh with her about that.
She will realize that you’re teasing her in a playful way and she will most-likely smile and even laugh along with you.
Of course, saying that to her isn’t magically going to erase all of your past mistakes and cause her run back into your arms again screaming, “Yes! I love you! Please take me back! Oh, I need you!”
Instead, it’s simply something to say in the moment that will make her smile or laugh, which will then take away some of the bitterness that she’s currently feeling towards you.
It’s also a way to spark some of her feelings for you.
When you have the confidence to joke with her when she is being cold and distant towards you, not only do you take the pressure off her to get back together with you right away, but you’re also triggering her feelings of respect and attraction for you by being emotionally strong enough to handle the situation in that way.
Women love a guy who has the confidence and balls to create funny moments in situations where everyone else is feeling awkward, tense and uptight.
It’s a very attractive trait.
Of course, your ex may act like she isn’t enjoying your attempts at humor, but that’s just a woman’s way to test how real your confidence is.
If she can see that you don’t get nervous when she isn’t laughing out loud at your jokes, she will secretly be feeling a renewed sense of respect and attraction for you.
She will then drop her guard and she will begin to focus more on the positive things about the man you are right now, rather than focusing on all the negative things she remembers about you from the past.
4. Have a Conversation About How We All Learn Things in Life
A big part of helping your ex heal from the pain that you’ve caused her, is to get her to forgive you.
She needs to understand that forgiving you will be just as good for her emotional well being as it will be for yours.
If she goes through life holding a grudge against you for causing her pain in a relationship, it will negatively affect her future relationships and cause her to live with a stress that never goes away.
By the way…
Don’t worry – you’re not actually getting her to go away and have a new relationship stress free.
Instead, you’re getting her to forgive you because when she does, she stops thinking about the old version of you and starts looking at you for who you are now.
In other words, you suddenly appear so much more attractive and appealing to her because she has forgiven you for what you did in the past and has left that behind for her own emotional well being.
It’s a bit of a psychological trick to play, but hey – you want her back, right?
If you do, then don’t worry – just do what works and get her back.
From there, be a better man than you were before and both of you will then be so much happier together.
So, what you need to do is have a heart-to-heart conversation with her and explain to her that everyone makes mistakes in a relationship at times, but that doesn’t mean a couple can’t work things out and start over again if they both want to.
Couples who successfully break up and get back together, learn from their past mistakes, which means that their new relationship is more mature, happier and stronger than ever before.
Tell her that you don’t expect her to believe you that you’ve changed, but you have.
Then, most importantly, let her experience the changes in you, based on how you think, talk, feel, behave, react and respond to her and take action now.
For example: If you used to be jealous and controlling before, let her see that you’re not that kind of guy anymore.
If she talks about other guys that she’s been seeing since the break up, or if flirts with another guy in your presence, just relax and don’t let it affect you.
Know that she is sitting there with you and because of that, she does feel some respect, attraction and love and is clinging onto some hope that you and her can still make it.
When she sees that you really have changed, she then begins to see you differently and it helps her to truly forgive you.
On the other hand, if you don’t let her experience the changes first hand (e.g. you just text her or you ignore her), she won’t be able to get past the pain you caused her and will just keep pushing you away.
Remember: You can’t just say to her, “I’m sorry. Can you forgive me?” and expect her to say “Yes” after all you’ve put her though.
For her to truly believe that you are a different man now, you have to get her to forgive you for real.
Get her to forgive you for her own benefit, as I mentioned at the start of this section.
For example: You can say to her, “Yes, I want you to forgive me for my own selfish reasons, but at the same time, forgiving me is something that you need to do for yourself too. When you can truly forgive me, you can move on if you want to, without all the negative stuff that happened between us hanging over you like a dark cloud. In that way, you will be able to remember that we actually did have some good times together, rather than only focusing on the negative things and feeling bad about it. I don’t want what happened between us to mess with any relationships you have from now on. So, if you want us to have a clean slate and end as friends, the way to do that is to honestly forgive me for making the mistakes I did. After all, we all make mistakes and learn in life. I made mistakes, but as you can probably see now, I have learned from those mistakes and have changed as a man. So, do you forgive me?”
When she really does forgive you, it then allows her to stop focusing on how you hurt her in the past and start looking at the new you.
Her guard comes down and she becomes open to looking at you in a positive light and having some feelings for you.
Remember: Regardless of how impossible the situation between you and your ex might seem right now, you need to be the strong, emotionally courageous one who guides both you and her back into a loving relationship.
Even if your ex is pushing you away and saying that she needs time to heal from the pain you’ve caused her, don’t let that get you down.
Just focus on reactivating her feelings and she will automatically feel drawn to you again.