4 possible reasons why your ex won’t commit to the idea of coming back to you are that…
1. You’re asking for a relationship before you’ve reactivated her feelings
When a woman breaks up with a guy, she’s usually going to do whatever she needs to do to get over him as quickly as possible.
Part of that process is about trying to keep all the negative things about him fresh in her mind and all the positive things out of her mind.
For example: Rather than think things like, “We really did have some good times together. Maybe if I give him another chance, things will be better this time,” she will say to herself, “Just remember how badly he hurt you. Remember all the times he promised to change and then broke his word to you. He doesn’t deserve another chance. You have to find yourself a new guy who isn’t stuck at his level. He’s not man enough for you yet. Move on.”
So, if the guy then comes along and says, “Let’s get back together again,” before he has even does anything to properly reactivate her feelings of respect, sexual attraction and love for him, she’s just going to say something like, “I can’t make that decision right now. I need more time to think about it.”
Here’s the thing…
In most cases, a guy will be unable to convince his ex to commit to a relationship again, simply based on what he is offering her or promising her.
A woman will often accept that approach initially, but if her guy has done it before, she will know that he’s most likely just offering her empty promises once again.
She will realize that he doesn’t really know how or what to change to make her feel the kind of respect, attraction and love she really wants in a relationship.
So, rather than waste more time with him and have to go through another break up in a few days, weeks or months, she will just say no to the idea of coming back to him.
What should you do instead?
Reignite her some of her romantic feelings for you by showing her that you’ve changed the way you talk, behave respond to what she says and does.
When you do that, the most important thing of all happens…
She feels differently around you.
Rather than feeling turned off and having to keep her guard up, she feels a renewed sense of respect for you and then allows her guard to come down a little.
This then allows her to start feeling attracted to you again.
As a result, you can then build on her feelings and get her back.
Where some guys go wrong is assuming that getting into long, serious discussions about the relationship is the best way to convince a woman to change her mind and want the relationship.
Then, when that approach doesn’t get her back, a guy might make the additional mistake of begging and pleading.
He might say something like, “Please, just give me one more chance. I promise I’m going to change and be the guy you want me to be. Please! Please, just give me a chance.”
Yet, that approach usually doesn’t work.
It’s a turn off, so she just goes ahead and adds “emotionally weak and wimpy” to her list of things about him that she already finds unattractive.
He’s just making the situation worse by displaying behaviors (e.g. emotional weakness) that naturally make a woman feel turned off sexually and romantically.
What should you do instead?
Interact with her (on the phone and in person) and focus on making her smile, laugh and feel happy in reaction to your confident, emotionally masculine and charismatic approach.
Don’t worry – it’s easy to do.
By making some attractive adjustments to your behavior and to the way that you talk and interact with her (e.g. staying confident even when she’s being cold and distant towards you, using humor to diffuse a tense situation, not taking her indecisiveness too seriously), being around you suddenly becomes fun, interesting and attractive to her.
Her defenses come down and she can’t stop herself from feeling some respect and attraction for you again.
Then, all the positive things about you that she’s hidden away in the depths of her mind, come back to the surface and make an appearance.
She looks at you differently and begins to think something like, “Maybe getting back together is actually a good thing after all. Maybe we can make it work this time. Maybe the break up was supposed to happen so we could get to this place. I want to try again. I feel good about this.”
Then, if you ask her to commit to the idea of coming back to you, she’s more likely to say, “Yes” because her heart is open and she is feeling attracted to you again.
Another possible reason why your ex won’t commit to the idea of coming back to you is because…
2. You’re trying to get her to commit via text
Sometimes, a guy will be too afraid to call his ex in case she tells him to leave her alone, or if she’s cold and unfriendly towards him, so he will decided to just stay in touch with her via text.
For example: He might pour his heart out to her in a series of text messages (or in some cases in a written letter or e-mail) and say things like, “I know I messed up, but please give me one more chance. You mean the world to me and I regret hurting you so much. I know that if you come back to me, I will treat you like a princess this time and do whatever I can to make you happy. Nothing you ask for will be too much for me. I promise you that things will be different this time. Please just give me a chance to prove myself to you. You and I shared a special connection and I don’t think we should just throw that away. Please consider giving us another chance. I love you more than anything.”
Yet, in most cases, rather than make a woman think, “Oh, how sweet and romantic of him. It must mean that really loves me and that he is the one. Okay, I’ll go back to him and we’ll live happily ever after now” it usually turns her off even more.
Firstly, when a woman has disconnected herself from her feelings of love, respect and attraction for a guy (i.e. because he turned her off and she then disconnected from her remaining feelings to then break up with him and move on), him pouring his heart out to her isn’t going to re-spark those feelings inside of her.
Instead, it’s usually going to make her see him in an even more negative light because he appears to be behaving in a needy, emotionally weak and desperate way, which is a turn off for most women.
Secondly, a text message is just a bunch of random words on a screen and don’t have the same impact as words spoken over the phone, or in person, where a woman can hear the tone in a guy’s voice, observe his body language and assess his state of mind.
For example: Is he emotionally strong and self-assured or is he insecure, nervous and self-doubting?
Is he able to laugh and remain confident when she tests him by being cold or even rude, or does he become nervous and tongue-tied?
Only when she can hear you or see you for herself, will she be able to get a clear picture of who you are now and see if you’ve actually changed or are still the same guy she broke up with.
So, if your ex won’t commit to the idea of coming back to you, it may be because you’ve been trying to get her back via text.
If that’s the case, don’t worry about it.
The important thing now is that you change your approach and get her on a phone call with you right away.
On a phone call, you can break down her defenses (i.e. by making her laugh, smile and feel good to be talking to you again) and get her to meet up with you in person.
In person, she can observe your confident body language and see that you really are a new and improved man now.
When she can see for herself that you’ve changed, she won’t be able to stop herself from feeling respect and attraction for you, even if she hides it by acting indifferently.
When she is feeling attracted to you again, you don’t even need to ask her if she wants to try again because she will be feeling drawn to you and will want to see you again to explore her new, more complex feelings for you.
Another possible reason why your ex won’t commit to the idea of coming back to you is…
3. She can see that you still don’t understand why she really broke up with you
When a guy is trying hard to get his ex back and she just won’t commit to the idea of being in a relationship, it can be a heartbreaking, confusing and tiring experience.
Regardless of what he says or does, she is always saying things like, “I don’t know… I’m just not sure if it’s the right thing to do,” or “I just don’t feel ready to make that decision right now. Please give me some more space.”
When nothing else seems to be working, he might get desperate and resort to sending her flowers (often to her work so that her colleagues can say, “Wow! Your ex must really love you if he’s sending you all these beautiful flowers. Why don’t you give the poor guy a break? He seems so nice.”), buying her gifts (e.g. jewelry, tickets to a special concert or play she’s been wanting to go to), or even helping her out financially (e.g. pay her rent or other bills) to make her feel as though she needs him in her life.
He’s hoping she will think to herself, “Why am I being so stubborn about all this? He’s obviously a wonderful guy. Even though I’ve not been committing to the idea of getting back with him, he’s still there waiting for me patiently and lovingly. I’d be a fool to waste anymore time playing hard to get and risk the chance of losing him.”
Unfortunately, that’s just not how it works because if he hasn’t reactivated her feelings of sexual and romantic attraction, she’s not going to feel drawn to him in a boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife kind of way.
She’s going to look at him as an ex that she doesn’t have feelings for anymore.
As a result, she will think something like, “He thinks that if he bedazzles me with gifts, flowers and attention, I’m going to forget that he was insecure/needy/jealous/wimpy and weak-minded/took me for granted and I’m then going to go running back to him. Well that’s not going to happen – not unless he changes the things that really matter to me. I need to be able to feel attracted and aroused when I am around a guy. Otherwise, there’s just no point being in a relationship. I’m going to have to move on as quickly as I can now, to hopefully get him out of the way. He obviously doesn’t know what to change or how to change it to make me feel attracted to him again.”
So, don’t make the mistake of feeling entitled to a relationship with her just because you want her back and are being extra nice to her now.
She will only want to commit to being in a relationship with you if she feels enough respect, sexual attraction and love to warrant it.
If you want her back, you’re going to have to earn it by showing her (not telling her) that you really understand her secret reasons for breaking up with you and have already changed those things about yourself.
The question you need to ask yourself is: “Do I know her real, secret reasons for breaking up with me?”
- Did she feel safe and protected in the relationship (i.e. because you had a definite purpose and direction in life), or did she feel insecure about her future with you (e.g. because you were too emotionally immature and were hiding from your true potential as a man behind hobbies, video games, TV, or just hanging out with her)?
- Did she feel like an attractive, desirable woman in your presence, or did she feel more like your buddy?
- Were you the kind of guy she could proudly introduce to her family and friends, or did she feel embarrassed by you (e.g. because you were insecure, treated her badly, lacked ambition or didn’t have good enough social skills to get along with her family and friends)?
- Could she relax and be her real self around you, or did you keep trying to change her core personality and identity?
- Were her expectations of the relationship being fulfilled, or were you just focused on getting what you wanted from the relationship?
- Were you emotionally strong at all times like a real man, or did she feel like she had to take care of you emotionally (e.g. because you were too emotionally sensitive, lacked belief in yourself)?
When you understand why she really ended the relationship, you can then make the correct changes that will make a difference in her heart and mind.
Then, you won’t have to force her to commit to the idea of coming back to you.
Instead, it will be something she wants too, without you needing to waste loads of time and energy trying hard to convince her.
She is feeling attracted to you again, so giving you another chance becomes something that she feels good about.
A final possible reason why your ex won’t commit to the idea of coming back to you is…
4. You haven’t gotten her to forgive the old version of you
Most guys will apologize to their ex after a break up, but apologizing to a woman (even if you do it over and over again, which is not a good idea by the way), isn’t going to change how she feels, unless she actually forgives the old version of you for real.
Forgiving you real means that she looks at the old version of you and the new version of you as being two completely different people.
The old version of you made the mistakes he made and as a result, she felt turned off enough to want to end the relationship.
The new version of you is the man who has learned from those mistakes and no longer makes them.
So, getting her to want a relationship again isn’t going to happen if she’s still looking at you as being the old version of you.
She has to forgive you for real, in order for her to be able to see the new you and start feeling attracted to you.
Be warned though…
Most women will simply say, “Yeah sure. I forgive you,” as a way of getting her ex to stop pestering her.
Secretly, she’s thinking, “No, I don’t forgive you. Why should I? You stuffed up. Saying “I’m sorry” isn’t enough of a reason for me to forget what you did. I will never forgive you for that.”
If she’s thinking in that kind of way, getting her back will be more difficult than if she had forgiven the old version of you, so she could then begin to see the new version of you as being a new and improved man.
So, if you want your ex’s commitment, you need to get her real, genuine forgiveness for you first.
How can you do that?
By asking her to forgive you for her own benefit.
Explain to her that if she doesn’t forgive you, she might go through life carrying the baggage of her relationship with you and thinking that men cannot be trusted or relied on.
Then, if she ever decides to have another relationship someday with someone else, rather than opening herself up to be loved the way that she deserves, she will remain guarded and closed up, which will then cause problems between her and her new man and potentially end in a break up.
As a result, her fears will only get worse that men can’t be relied on and relationships can’t work.
So, tell your ex that you don’t want that kind of thing to happen to her.
Tell her that you want her to be happy.
By the way…
Saying that to her is not about helping her move on with some other guy.
Instead, when she forgives you for her own benefit, she does it for real, rather than just faking it to shut you up.
As a result, she stops looking at you as the old you and she starts seeing you as the new man you have become.
Her guard then begins to come down and she becomes more open to talking to you, seeing you and even opening herself up to the idea of coming back to you.
From there, you just need to make sure that you are sparking her feelings of respect, attraction and love for you again whenever you interact with her and she will be back in your arms before you know it.