6 steps to fix the problem:
1. Calmly apologize for previously trying so hard to get her back
Sometimes, a guy will go overboard when trying to get his ex back to the point where he becomes annoying to her or her friends.
For example: He might…
- Text, e-mail or call her continuously to say things like, “I’m so sorry! I know I stuffed up, but please give me one more chance to make it up to you,” or “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’ll say it a million times if that’s what it takes for you to believe me.”
- Beg and plead with her for another chance.
- Show up at her home or work place to try and discuss the break up with her, even though she has been telling him to leave her alone.
- Send loads of messages to her via social media as way of discussing the relationship and work things out.
Initially, she might be open to it because she wants to see what he has to say and how she might feel if she says something that makes her miss him.
Yet, if he is trying too hard to get her back without doing anything to re-spark her feelings of sexual and romantic attraction, she will begin to feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable and then turn to her friends for advice.
When her friends see that she is unhappy and stressed out because of your approach to getting her back, they will take her side and say things like, “Why are you letting him do this to you? You have to be strong. Tell him to leave you alone and stick to it” or, “Would you really want to get back with a loser like that? Just avoid him until he gets the message that it’s over between you. You can do better than him. We’ll go out this weekend and flirt with some new guys. You will see that you don’t need him.”
If she listens to her friends, it will feel as though she’s doing the right thing by avoiding you.
The only way to override the opinions of her friends is to interact with her and spark her feelings of romantic and sexual attraction for you.
When you do that, she starts missing you and feeling more and more drawn to you, to the point where it doesn’t matter what her friends say.
She wants to be with you and she’s going to give you another chance, even if they disagree.
So, if your ex’s friends are telling her to avoid you, don’t get mad at them.
They are just doing their “job” of being a friend by protecting her from the guy that they perceive is hurting her.
Rather than blaming them and feeling as though you have no control over the situation anymore, just change your approach so you can get a different result.
Calmly and briefly apologize to her for trying too hard to get her back to the point where you became annoying (if that applies to you).
For example: You might say something along the lines of, “I know that you’ve probably had enough of me and I accept that. I just wanted to call you to apologize for my over-the-top behavior since we broke up. It was wrong, it was silly and it was immature and I know that now. I understand that I made you feel uncomfortable and I’m sorry for that. The way I went about showing you how I much I care was definitely all wrong. I see that now and I hope you will be able to forgive me and not hold it against me. I’m not asking for us to get back together. I just want to say sorry for being such a (whatever applies to you) when you broke it off with me.”
Saying something like that calms things down between you and her.
She realizes that she doesn’t need to have her guard up so high with you anymore and then begins to feel some respect for you again for realizing your mistake and doing something to rectify it.
The next thing you need to do is…
2. Tell her that you and her should agree to just be friends now
Don’t worry, agreeing to be a friend will not put you in the friendzone with her.
You won’t act like a friend.
You will actively trigger her feelings of romantic and sexual attraction for you and therefore, she won’t want to just remain as friends only.
She will feel attracted to you and want you in a romantic, sexual way.
Then, you will get her back, regardless of what her friends have been trying to tell her.
So, once you’ve apologized to your ex for going overboard to get her back, you can take the pressure off her by suggesting that you and her just be friends.
For example: You can say something like, “I accept the break up completely. So, from now on, I promise to stop harassing you about getting back together. Not because I don’t want to get back together, but because you don’t want to and I accept that. So, let’s just be mature adults about our break up by putting everything behind us and agreeing to be friends only from now on. You agree?”
In most cases, the woman will likely say, “Yes, I agree” or “Okay, let’s give that a try.”
However, if your ex is resistant and says something along the lines of, “I’m not sure. My friends are telling me to avoid you,” what you shouldn’t do is:
- Say negative things about her friends (e.g. “Why do you even bother listening to those bitches? They’re just jealous that I still love you and if we get back together again they won’t be able to control you.”)
- Tell her to choose you or her friends (e.g. “We have a chance here to be friends and make things right between us again. So what’s it going to be… me or them?”)
If you put her in a position like that, she will lose even more respect for you and feel turned off by your seemingly selfish, unloving approach.
She might then say something like, “Are you serious? For a minute there, I almost believed that you’d changed and that it might be possible for us to be friends, but now I see you’re just the same jerk you were before. Well, for your information, I would choose my friends over you any day! It’s over between you and me. Deal with it. I don’t want to be friends with you and I don’t want to see you ever again. Goodbye!”
You don’t want to get that kind of reaction from her, right?
To avoid making her feel that way, it’s better to say something like, “Your friends definitely have a good reason to hate me right now. I stuffed up and I caused you pain. If some guy was making one of my female friends feel that way, I would probably give her the same advice. However, I also believe that if he sincerely apologized and wanted to just be friends with her, I would give him the benefit of the doubt and let him prove himself to her. So, how about it? Will you let me prove to you that we can be friends without me going crazy again? Only friends. Nothing else. Okay?”
At that point, she will be impressed by your emotional maturity and will most-likely agree.
From there, you need to…
3. Use the friendship as a way to interact with her and make her feel respect and attraction for the new you
There’s no point in staying friends with your ex if you’re going to keep saying and doing the types of things that were turning her off in the past, or that have been turning her off since the break up.
So, you need to make sure that every time you interact with her from now on (e.g. via text, e-mail, on social media, over the phone and in person) your thinking, behavior and the way you talk and interact with her is a reflection of the new and improved you.
- If your ex feels like she can’t trust you about only being friends now and is expecting you to continue trying to get her back (i.e. because you have lied to her on many occasions in the past), show her that you’ve changed by sticking to your word and treating her as though you and her are great friends now (while still making her feel sexually attracted by making her smile and laugh when you interact with her and by being confident, charismatic and emotionally masculine).
- If she’s expecting you to sit back and wait for her to call the shots (e.g. because in the past you let her “wear the pants” in the relationship), show her you’ve changed by taking the lead and making things happen between you and her.
- If she tries to keep you at arms length (e.g. because she knows it will be easy for her to find a new man), don’t get insecure and start seeking pity from her or trying to make her feel guilty.
- If she tests you to see if you’re going to fall apart and become insecure around her by saying something like, “My friends are telling me to avoid you and I think they’re right. You and I just shouldn’t be together anymore,” show her that you’ve changed by remaining calm and confidently turning her test into something both of you can laugh about together.
When your ex can see for herself that you’re no longer at the same level you were at before, she won’t be able to stop herself from automatically feeling some respect and attraction for you again.
Then, even if her friends keep telling her to avoid you, at the back of her mind she will be thinking, “Yes, but he’s not the same guy anymore. He has really changed this time. It feels different. I like this. I want to try it and see what happens.”
If you haven’t done so already…
4. Get her to meet up in person to say hello for 10 minutes
Re-attracting your ex in person is the easiest way to get her back, so make sure that you don’t avoid it.
Also, don’t try to get her to agree to meet up you by texting her (e.g. sending numerous text messages back and forth where you’re asking her for a meet up and she’s saying no and you’re asking why and trying to change her mind).
If you are going to use text, I recommend that you only send a brief text as a way of getting her on a phone call with you.
Then, on the call, make her smile and laugh and feel good and then ask her to meet up with you for a quick cup of coffee.
For example: After a few minutes of conversation, you can say something along the lines of, “Hey, it’s been good talking to you. I’ve got to run now (e.g. because I have to get back to work), but let’s meet up sometime this week to say hello in person. Nothing serious though…just 10 minutes for a coffee as friends. Afterwards, if you decide you never want to see me again, we can say goodbye and I promise I’ll never contact you again after that, if it’s really what you want. Wednesday afternoon is good for me, which day suits you best?”
If you’ve been switching her feelings back on, she will most likely agree and you can then arrange a time and date.
However, if she says no (e.g. because you haven’t made her feel enough attraction yet, she’s afraid of what her friends will say or she doesn’t want to come across as being easy), don’t make the mistake of trying to make her feel pity for you.
For example: A guy who is trying to convince his ex to meet up with him through pity might say, “Why are you doing this to me? Please just give me a chance to show you that I’ve changed. I’m really trying my best to make things up to you. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep properly since the break up. It’s killing me. Please, I need to see you one more time. Please say yes… do it for old times sake. Do it for the love we used to have for each other and that I still have for you. Please!”
Yet, using emotional blackmail like that on a woman only makes her close up even more. Why?
It’s a sign of emotional weakness and insecurity, which is instinctively unattractive to women.
On the other hand, if you remain confident and emotionally strong no matter what she says or does and use humor to lighten the mood, then meeting up with you will be something that she wants to do because she will feel respect and attraction for you.
5. Fully reactivate her feelings for you at the meet up
When you meet up with you ex, you need to fully reactivate her feelings of respect, attraction and love for you, so that at the very least, she wants to see you again and at the most, she wants to be your girlfriend (or wife) again.
You can do that by…
- Making her laugh and smile so she feels good around you, rather than begging and pleading with her for another chance and making her feel annoyed and uncomfortable.
- Showing her that you’ve figured out where you went wrong before and have made some adjustments to the way you think, act and behave, rather than asking her to tell you what she wants you to do to make her happy.
- Making her feel feminine and girly in contrast to your masculine vibe, rather than making her feel neutral like a friend or worse, like she is the more dominant, masculine one out of the two of you.
- Taking the lead in the ex back process, rather than hoping that she takes all the risks to show interest, remain confident and get you back.
When you reactivate her feelings, her guard comes down and she becomes less influenced by what her friends have to say about you.
She follows her heart.
From there, you can either…
6. Hook up sexually, or agree to continue on just as friends for now
If you are turning her back on, she will start giving you signs that she’s interested in hooking up with you sexually (e.g. she licks her lips while holding eye contact with you, keeps touching you on the hand or leg in a sexual way, is open to giving you a hug or a kiss).
You can then either go to your place or hers and blow her mind sexually.
Once you’ve had sex, you can then discuss the idea of giving the relationship another chance because she will be a lot more open to it.
On the other hand, if your ex doesn’t seem open to hooking up right away, just give her a hug (if she’s willing) and agree to just stay in touch with her as friends.
If you both agree to that, you can then make her jealous by letting her see you living a good life based on what you post on social media (e.g. post pictures of yourself having fun with friends where you are doing interesting outdoor activities together).
Alternatively, you can call her up to say hi and get her smiling, laughing and feeling good when talking to you.
Then, when the moment is right, ask her to catch up again to say hi in person again.
This time, instead of going somewhere neutral for coffee, get her to meet up with you at your place or hers where you can cook dinner together.
If she’s still a bit reluctant to do that, you can do something that you and her enjoyed doing together before (e.g. walk on the beach, go for ice cream, eat at a favorite restaurant).
If you consistently focus on triggering her feelings for you, eventually, no matter how much she tries to fight it, her defenses will come down and she won’t be able to stop herself from experiencing strong feelings of love, respect and attraction for you again.
Then, when you bring up the idea of getting back together again, all thoughts of her friends telling her to avoid you will disappear and she will be saying, “Yes. Let’s do it. I love you.”