You should only tell your ex about your feelings for her, if you reactivate some of her feelings of respect and attraction for you first.
If she currently doesn’t have much or any feelings for you, she’s not going to care if you have feelings for her.
Instead, she will likely say something like, “That’s sweet. I know you mean well, but you need to accept that things are over between us,” and then she’s just going to continue moving on with her life.
So, telling her that you have feelings for her is just not going to be enough to get her back.
To get her back, you first need to make her feel a renewed sense of respect and attraction for the new version of you by showing her via the way you talk, think, behave, act and react, that you’re a new man now.
After doing that, it’s absolutely fine (and totally recommended by me) that you tell her how you feel about her.
When your ex sees for herself that you’re not the same guy she broke up with, she naturally begins to feel drawn to you in a new way.
She looks at you as being a new and improved man, rather than the flawed guy that she dumped and didn’t want anything more to do with.
Yet, if you’re still making the same old communication and attraction mistakes with her as you did before, she isn’t going to feel a renewed sense of respect and attraction for you.
Instead, she might be nice towards you (women often do that to prevent their ex from becoming angry or hurting them) and hope that she can move on and replace you with another guy so you leave her alone.
So, before you rush off and pour your heart out to your ex in the hopes that she will change her mind about being broken up with you, make sure that you reactivate her feelings for you first.
That is the secret to getting an ex back for real.
If you want the ex back process to work for you, it’s absolutely essential that you start by making her have strong feelings for you again.
When you do, it becomes her idea to get back with you.
Some guys are able to make that happen immediately (e.g. by talking to their ex on the phone or in person), within days and sometimes in more difficult cases, it takes a couple of weeks.
However, making an ex have strong feelings for you is the fastest way to get her back and it’s also the best way to do it because she actually wants to be back with you.
2 Classic Mistakes to Avoid When Expressing Your Feelings to an Ex
When a guy really loves his ex, he might feel compelled to pour his heart out to her and tell her how much she means to him.
Yet, it just doesn’t work unless he makes her have strong feelings for him first.
So, make sure that you avoid these two classic mistakes that so many of my clients have made before coming to me for help with getting their woman back…
1. Thinking that by showing her how much you care, it will make her realize that you’re the one or that you and her are meant to be together.
When a guy still has feelings for his ex and she is saying things like, “Look, just accept that it’s over between us,” or “I know you still care about me but I just don’t feel the same way about you,” he might feel like he’s going to lose her forever if he doesn’t do something drastic to change her mind.
He might then say to himself, “My ex probably doesn’t realize how much I still love her and how much she means to me. I need to show her how much I care so she realizes that I’m the one for her. I’m going to spoil her continuously (e.g. by buying her expensive gifts, paying for her bills and rent, helping her out with chores, errands or studies) until she realizes that I’m the only guy that she can rely on to be there for her no matter what. Then, she won’t be able to stay broken up with me because she will have to accept that no other guy will ever love her the way I do and that we were meant to be together.”
Women don’t work that way.
Even if a woman accepts her ex’s gifts and attention, she will rarely change her mind about being broken up because of how nice he is being towards her.
Doing all of those things doesn’t actually make her feel a renewed sense of respect and sexual attraction for him.
In most cases, it just makes him look like a pushover or a desperate ex who is being on his best behavior to hopefully win her back.
Yet, if he doesn’t do anything to spark a woman’s sexual and romantic feelings, she’s just going to be saying things like, “You’re so sweet. I’m so lucky to have an ex like you. I’m glad we can be friends now,” while at the same time leaving herself open to meeting other men.
So, if you don’t want that to happen to you, don’t waste a lot of time trying to show your ex how much you care about her by buying her material things or by doing nice things for her.
Instead, focus on sparking her feelings of respect and sexual attraction for you every time you interact with her (e.g. on a phone call, or in person).
You can do that by making her smile and laugh and by showing her that you’re no longer the same man that she broke up with.
You are a new and improved man and she can now feel sexually attracted to who you are, not what you buy for her or do for her (that won’t make her feel sexually attracted anyway).
She is going to be in a relationship with you, not the things you buy her or do for her.
Women only appreciate that kind of thing from a man that they are in love with, not from a guy who is being desperate and trying to win her over by being on his best behavior.
To get her back, you’ve got to make her feel attracted to you.
The more that you make her feel good to be interacting with you again, the more it will replace her negative feelings (e.g. anger, indifference, annoyance) with positive feelings such as respect, attraction and love.
Then, when you tell your ex about your feelings for her, rather than her saying something like, “That’s nice to hear and very sweet, but it’s over,” she will say something like, “I’m glad to hear. I feel the same way about you. Maybe we should give our relationship another try.”
Another classic mistake to avoid is…
2. Thinking that a woman can be convinced to have feelings based on logical reasons.
Sometimes, when a guy doesn’t know what to do to get his ex to change her mind about him, he might try to convince her by giving her a bunch of logical reasons why he believes they should get back together again.
For example: A guy might say, “Please give us another chance. We were so good together at the start. If we try again, we can be like that again,” or “We experienced so many good times together. Isn’t that proof enough that we are meant to be together? Please give us another chance,” or “These days it’s so difficult to find someone you can be compatible with. At least you and I already know that we get along so well. Sure we had some problems, but the most important thing is that we already get on with each other, don’t you agree? Everything else we can work out together.”
If a couple was married, the man might try to convince her by saying things like, “What about the mortgage? We just bought a new house. I can’t afford to keep it on my own and neither can you,” or, “Do you really want our children to have step fathers and mothers? They’re still so young. Don’t do that to them. Please honey, I know we can work this out.”
Yet, regardless of how logical a guy’s reasons may be, if a woman doesn’t feel respect and attraction for him as a man, she doesn’t have to stay with him if she doesn’t want to.
His logical reasons do not convince her to have feelings for him.
Even if he convinces her to change her mind, it usually only lasts for a short while and when the woman realizes that nothing has changed, she just breaks up with him again.
Unlike in the past where many women stayed in an unhappy relationship for life out of a sense of duty or guilt (e.g. “What about the kids?” “What will people say?”) today’s women don’t have to do that anymore.
A woman today can choose to leave if her man doesn’t make her feel the way she wants to feel (i.e. attracted, feminine and girly, taken care of).
Women stay with relationships that make them feel attracted and in love.
…and that is something you can make her feel AGAIN.
So, if you want to get your ex back for real, you must begin the ex back process by re-sparking some of her feelings of respect and sexual attraction for you.
How? By showing her that you really have improved and are no longer the same guy that she dumped.
Once you do that, she will automatically begin to reconnect with the love that she used to feel for you, except this time it will be stronger, more meaningful and more mature than before.
She might act like it isn’t having an effect on her, but it will be.
She will feel compelled to give you another chance, or at least sleep with you one more time to see how she feels after that.
Then, after kissing or having sex, you can talk about giving the relationship another chance.
When you give her some of your logical reasons why the two of you should be together (e.g. it feels good, things are better, it would be fun to see how it goes), it will just be the icing on the cake for her and she will think to herself, “He definitely has a point there. We are good together. Maybe we can work things out between us after all.”
What Have You Been Doing to Make Your Ex Feel Attracted Again?
It’s great that you still have feelings for your ex and want her back, but what have you actually been doing to make her have feelings for you again?
Unfortunately, many guys have no idea how to go about re-attracting an ex woman, so they end up going around in circles trying to impress her in all the wrong ways.
For example: To get his ex back a guy might…
1. Beg and plead
He might say things like, “Please forgive me! I know I stuffed up, but I promise I will make it up to you. I beg you to just give me one more chance. Let me show you that I can be the guy you want me to be.”
Why doesn’t that approach work?
When a man is begging and pleading with a woman, her survival instinct kicks in and she starts to think, “This guy is too emotionally weak for me. What would happen if life got really tough and I had to rely on him to take care of me? Based on the way he’s acting now, it seems to me that I would have to take care of him instead. He would probably break down and cry or get stressed out and make things worse for me. I can’t get back together with an insecure, needy, wimpy guy like that. I need an emotionally strong, masculine man that I can look up to and respect. I need a man who makes me feel safe, not a guy who needs me to make him feel safe, loved, happy and secure. He just doesn’t understand how to be a man.”
Another ineffective approach that guys use is to…
2. Apologize excessively
A guy might say something like, “I’m so, so sorry. I know that I hurt you. I can’t believe I did that to you when I love you so much. Please forgive me. I don’t know what I will do if you say that you can’t forgive me. I am so sorry for making you feel the way I did. I can’t say sorry enough. I really mean it.”
Why doesn’t that work?
Essentially, apologizing doesn’t get to the core of the problems.
Yes, he’s being sincere, but nothing about his behavior is making the woman feel that if she gives him another chance, things will be different this time.
He’s just apologizing, but he’s still at the same level that he was at when she broke up with him.
Nothing has changed, so she sees it as an empty apology.
3. Ask her to tell him what he needs to do to make her happy.
A guy might say something along the lines of, “Just tell me what you want me to do. I’ll do anything. I’ll change anything about me to make you happy. Just say the word and it’s done.”
Why doesn’t that approach work?
A woman doesn’t want to be a guy’s teacher in life about how to be a man.
If she has to explain to him what he’s doing wrong now, she fears (and rightly so) that she will have to continue teaching and guiding him in the future.
She then starts to feel more like a parental figure and taking on that role is not sexually attractive to her.
For her to feel respect and attraction for him again, he needs to figure out what she wants without seeking her help.
She just wants him to figure it out and start being the man she needs, rather than looking to her for answers.
If he can transform and quickly be that man, she will automatically begin to respect him and look up to him again.
Another ineffective approach that a guy might use is to…
4. Use the No Contact Rule to ignore her for 30 to 60 days.
Why doesn’t that approach work?
When a woman doesn’t have feelings for a guy, she’s not going to lose any sleep over the fact that he’s not contacting her.
Instead, she will likely use the time to get over him and move on with her life.
If a woman does happen to get back together with her ex after he has been ignoring her, she will usually dump him again very quickly or immediately.
When she realizes that he is still stuck at the same level that he was at when she broke up with him and he still hasn’t worked out how to give her the attraction experience she really wants, she just breaks up with him and tries to move on.
So, if you want to get your ex back and keep her back, you must focus on giving her the attraction experience that she really wants, not what you think she wants.
Remember: You might really want to tell your ex that you have feelings for her, but that’s about you, not her.
Focus on making her have feelings for you again and then, getting back together will be something that she wants to do too, not just something that you’re trying to make happen.
Change How She Feels About You and She Will Be Happy That You Have Feelings For Her Too
Right now, what matters most is how you make your ex feel when you interact with her (e.g. via text, on social media, on a phone call, or in person)
For example, when you have interacted with your ex lately…
- Have you been making her smile, laugh and feel happy to be around you, or have you been turning her off and making her want to get away from you as quickly as possible?
- Have you been making her feel feminine and girly in contrast to your masculine way of talking and behaving, or has she felt more like a platonic friend or big sister to you? (This is within your control. You can make her feel attracted, girly and feminine. That’s what works to get a woman back).
- Has she been able to relax fully into being a feminine woman around you, or has she felt like she needs to take care of your emotions because you’re so sensitive now?
- Have you been emotionally strong and emotionally independent, or have you been insecure, self-doubting and needy?
- Have you let her see that you have dreams and ambitions in your life that you’re busy working on, or have you given her the impression that you are sitting around waiting to get her back and you don’t really care about anything else?
Depending on how you answered the above questions, you will now have a better idea about some of the adjustments you need to make to re-attract your ex.
Once you’ve begun to make some attractive adjustments and improvements to yourself (you don’t have to be perfect, you just need to be at a different level from where you were when she broke up with you), call her on the phone and let her experience the new you.
On the phone call, make her smile, laugh and feeling good to be talking to you again and get her to meet up with you in person.
At the meet up, focus on making her feel the way she wants to feel (e.g. feminine and girly, attracted, respectful of you, reconnecting with the love).
When you do that, she begins to see you differently.
Then, rather than remembering all the things about the old you that she didn’t like, she starts to focus on the things about the new you that she does like.
She then drops her guard and opens herself to loving you again.
Then, when you tell her about your feelings for her, she feels the same way and is excited and happy to give the relationship another chance.