Sometimes a break up is the fault of one person, who has either broken the trust or ruined the feelings of the other person.
Yet, in most cases, even though one person is more to blame, both will have played a part in the breakdown of the relationship.
So, if you want to know whether it was your fault, her fault or the fault of both of you, here are 14 questions to ask yourself:
1. Did you take her love for granted?
Sometimes, a guy doesn’t put enough effort into his relationship with a woman (e.g. he doesn’t contribute enough to their progress as a couple, he takes more love than he gives, he stops being as nice as he was in the beginning, he expects her to put up with his annoying or unattractive behavior), which can then cause a woman to feel taken for granted and like he doesn’t appreciate her, or what she does for him.
That can eventually lead to her breaking up with him, rather than sticking with a relationship that makes her feel unloved and unappreciated.
If you can relate to taking her for granted and you feel like she kept being good to you, then the break up was likely more your fault than hers.
The good news though, is that the mistake you made isn’t unforgivable.
Most guys can get another chance with an ex woman after taking her for granted, but you have to approach it correctly to make it work.
For example: Don’t go from being a bit of an asshole, to being super nice and sucking up to her because that will just turn her off more.
Women aren’t attracted to desperation in men, so you have to interact with her again and be good to her, but don’t go overboard with it.
The most important thing to focus on is making her feel sparks of sexual and romantic attraction, by displaying traits that naturally attract women (e.g. confidence, being a playful challenge at time, using humor and flirting, being masculine in the way you talk, behave and take action).
When your ex notices that you’ve learned from your mistakes and have become an even better man as a result, she won’t be able to stop herself from dropping her guard a bit, which then makes it possible for you to get her back.
2. Did you make her feel secure enough in your commitment to her?
When a woman complains to her guy that he isn’t committed, a guy might say, “I’m with you, aren’t I? That should be enough proof that I’m committed. We basically do everything together. I love you. That should be enough.”
Yet, for most women that isn’t enough.
She doesn’t want to just be boyfriend and girlfriend forever, or for as long as he doesn’t lose interest in her.
She may say that she’s fine with that, but women say that to keep a guy happy initially; always hoping he’ll warm up to a more serious commitment down the line.
If that doesn’t happen, she will begin to worry that she’s wasting her youthful attractiveness on a guy who isn’t ever going to give her the kind of loving, dedicated commitment that she seeks.
That can lead to her threatening to break up with him, breaking up with him, or cheating on him (to hurt him) and then breaking up with him.
Important: If anything like that happened with your ex, don’t make the mistake of rushing and desperately offering to marry her or get engaged for now, to prove your commitment to her.
Women are completely turned off by desperation in men, so that approach will likely backfire on you.
Likewise, if she feels as though your proposal is just to get her back for now, or to stop the pain you’re feeling after being dumped, then it won’t be romantic for her.
Instead, it will feel as though she’s doing you a favor, which isn’t the feeling a woman wants when she says, “Yes!” to getting engaged or married.
3. Did you become needy for her love, or put up with bad treatment just to spend time with her?
Sometimes a guy feels insecure about his value and attractiveness to his woman (i.e. he sees her as being more attractive or valuable than he is).
That can lead to him feeling lucky to have her and at the same time, begin to really worry about losing her.
Unfortunately, thinking in that way can cause him to start reacting to her in clingy, needy, desperate ways, which will then turn her off and make her realize that she may actually be too good for him.
For example: He might…
- Constantly bombard her with texts throughout the day to stay on her mind.
- Regularly ask things like, “Do you still love me?” or, “Do you still feel attracted to me?” or, “You do know how much I love you and couldn’t live without you, right? You’re not going to cheat on me one day, are you? I couldn’t handle that. So, please just tell me – are you happy with me? If not, what can I do to make you happy? I don’t want us to end.”
- Look for excuses to call her and see her, if she has made plans with other people.
Accept her being unloving, closed off and even disrespectful towards him, because he’s too afraid to stand up to her, or get her to respect him and treat him the way he wishes she would.
Check her phone when she isn’t looking, or ask to look through her messages to see if she’s been texting any guys.
Get jealous or become angry or controlling if she looks at another man for too long when in his presence.
Accuse her of wanting to cheat, or of potentially already having cheated on him behind his back.
Worry that she might develop feelings for one of his male friends, or one of her male friends, so he tries to keep her away from them at all times.
Need to be around her to feel okay about himself. When not with her, he sends her sad, lonely texts or seems insecure and unsure of himself.
Although he may tell himself that he’s just being a loving, attentive boyfriend, she won’t see it that way.
She also won’t find it attractive, at all.
Insecurity, clinginess and neediness are traits that are deeply unattractive to women because it causes her to feel unsafe with the guy.
Not in terms of him hurting her (although that could happen), but in terms of his ability to handle challenges in life or challenging people they come across and be able to keep her safe and protected.
If he’s needy for her love and can’t cope without her, it makes her feel like she is helping make him feel safe.
Deep down, a woman doesn’t want that.
Not because she’s selfish, but because the sexual dynamic between a man and a woman isn’t based on a woman being the stronger one.
Likewise, if he puts up with her bad treatment of him and isn’t willing to put her back in her place (in a loving, but dominant way), or isn’t capable of getting her to respect him, then she will doubt that he could get other challenging people to respect him in life.
As a result, she just doesn’t feel safe with him.
She will then decide to break up with him and try to find a man who can give her the kind of feeling she seeks in a relationship.
Of course, her ex still can get her back, but he has to man up and start being what she wants.
When he does, she will sense it, realize her feelings for him are coming back and will want to open up to giving him another chance.
4. Did you stop caring about her enough that she sought love and attention from elsewhere?
If a guy stops giving a woman the emotional and physical love she craves in a relationship (e.g. he spends more time at work, hanging out with his friends and family, or playing video games than with her, he doesn’t put in the effort to do things together anymore and just expects her to be happy for life), then she may begin feeling neglected.
If she then interacts with other men who are attentive towards her, give her compliments and make her feel beautiful and valued, she may start feeling drawn to them instead.
In some cases, a woman might even cheat on her guy to get the love and attention she feels he’s not giving her anymore.
She will then confess her cheating, break up with him and start seeing the new guy, or begin enjoying single life.
It’s not because she’s a disloyal woman.
Instead, it’s because she is an individual and has to take care of her own feelings, needs and wants if her boyfriend/husband isn’t doing that for her.
Men also cheat on women when situations like that are reversed.
It’s just how it works.
If you want a relationship to last for life, you have to be willing to maintain a balance (i.e. where you still do things you enjoy that don’t include her, but you also focus on doing things with her that bring you closer together, or at least make life more enjoyable together).
5. Did you maturely handle the arguments you and her had, or did you use an ineffective, selfish or vindictive style of communication?
For example: The mature way to handle an argument is to be as calm as possible (because you love her and don’t have any need to hurt her) as you talk through the problem.
You also aim to add in some humor, be light-hearted or look for something positive to laugh about together in a stressful moment like that, rather than getting sucked into the negative feelings, arguing aggressively and then feeling more disconnected from each other as a result.
An immature way to handle an argument is by sulking, shouting at her and insulting her, walking away and refusing to talk about it, throwing her past mistakes in her face to make her feel as though she’s the main reason the relationship is problematic, or putting her down and making her feel like she’s incompetent or stupid.
Of course, she could have been the one who used an ineffective, selfish, vindictive style of communication during an argument or fight.
Alternatively, maybe the both of you tended to ‘lose it’ and get to angry or insulting during arguments.
You will know the answer to that and it will help you understand whether or not the break up was your fault, hers or due to the both of you.
Regardless of what you realize, just know this: It’s totally fine and normal to make mistakes in relationships.
However, what sets successful couples apart from those who break up, is that a successful couple will learn from the argument and approach situations like it better in future.
They won’t be perfect right away, but they will get better and better over time, which will bring them closer together.
It also makes them both realize that if they were to break up, they’d potentially end up getting into a relationship with someone else who isn’t as mature as they are and therefore, they’d be back to square one.
So, rather than wasting time with a new person and having to go through years of stressful arguments again, they just keep getting better and better as a couple.
Eventually, they are one of the happy, in love, successful couples that others look at and wonder, “How do they do it? Why don’t I have what they have? What am I missing?”
5. Was she ever truly committed to you?
Some women get into a relationship with a guy for reasons that have nothing to do with him being her ideal match.
Instead, a woman will sometimes date a guy because:
- She is using him as a rebound to get over an ex she still has strong feelings for.
- She hates being the only one of her friends or family who is still single.
- Her family is pressuring her to settle down, so she just gets with a guy to shut them up.
- She’s getting older and is afraid that she might run out of time to start a family.
- They were friends and drifted into a relationship, even though she doesn’t really feel much of a sexual spark with him.
- He chased her for so long that she eventually gave in and agreed to go out with him.
- They knew each other for a long time and he sort of grew on her.
She just wanted casual sex, but he saw her as the love of his life and pushed to make the relationship official.
In cases like those, a woman will rarely commit, or will reluctantly commit and then break up with, or divorce him later on.
Of course, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care for him at all, or that he doesn’t have a chance to make the relationship work.
She does care for him and he can make the relationship work, but he has to use a different approach to attraction with her.
If he continues using the same old approach to attraction that he’s been using (e.g. being the nice guy, letting her get her way all the time just so he can spend time with her, treating her like a friend rather than treating her like his sexy girlfriend), she will eventually get bored and dump him.
From his perspective, it will be devastating because he loves her so much, but from her perspective, she won’t really be losing much because he never understood what makes a woman like her feel deep, committed attraction.
6. Was she still too immature to have a serious, committed relationship that lasted for life?
Sometimes, a woman is really young and inexperienced and can’t handle the pressure of a mature relationship.
As a result, the relationship will feel too stressful, boring or like too much responsibility for her.
She may even begin to envy the freedom and excitement that her single girlfriends are experiencing (e.g. going out to parties and clubs, hooking up with different guys, not having to take someone else’s feelings into consideration, free to do whatever they want, whenever they want).
When that happens, she may just decide to break up with her guy and focus on living a fun, carefree life without him.
Women like that only stop and get back with a guy if he can make her feel as though she is losing him.
If he tries to get her back with a ‘pity me’ kind of approach, or by pleading with her, a woman like that will rarely give up her newfound freedom to get back into a committed relationship again.
7. Did your approach to the relationship cause you and her to grow apart?
For example: A man initially treated his woman very well when they first got together and maybe even for the first couple of years.
Yet, eventually, he began to behave differently and treated her in a way that pushed them apart.
He may have:
- Become insecure about her attraction for him and therefore, began to behave in a jealous, controlling way.
- Become less willing to be nice to her and instead, wanted to hurt her emotionally (e.g. by putting her down, acting like he didn’t care about her anymore, ruining her friendships, turning her against her family, making her feel unattractive in his eyes, ignoring her and so on).
- Started spending more and more time with friends, working or playing video games and expected her to just wait around in the background of his life. Yet, she then started to feel drawn to hanging out with friends, which led her to start feeling attracted to the idea of being single, or possibility cheating on him.
- Not been willing to rise up through the levels of a relationship with her (e.g. move in together, get engaged, get married, start a family) and expected her to just stay with him anyway.
- Become quite aggressive, insulting or demeaning when they had arguments, rather than being loving, supportive and easygoing.
- Used mistakes she made in the relationship, or anything negatively she said or did to him, to make her feel guilty so he could hopefully control her more.
- Expected a lot from her (e.g. to show him love, be respectful, be kind), but didn’t do the same in return.
- Started hanging out with different kinds of people and looking down on her for not being able to fit in.
- Been unwilling to spend time with her or her family due to his anti-social attitude.
- Stopped being the confident, cool guy that she fell in love with and started being an insecure, awkward guy that she kept having to make excuses for.
- Tried to stop her from pursuing her dreams because he feared it would lead her to cheat on him.
- Wanted her to just be happy with hanging out at home, getting by and not striving for success in life.
- Spent too much time working, trying to succeed and pursuing his dreams and not enough time with her (i.e. he didn’t achieve the right balance and made her feel like she wasn’t important in his life).
As a result of one or more of the above, a couple can easily begin to grow apart and no longer feel compatible.
If a woman feels that for long enough, she will usually decide to just break up with her guy and try to find a new man who will give her the kind of relationship experience she really wants.
8. Did she give you enough of a chance to fix the relationship, or change your ways?
Most women won’t just walk out of a relationship without giving a guy a few chances to change and improve first.
If a guy takes the hint and starts giving her more of the attraction experience she wants in the relationship with him (e.g. he stops being so clingy and focuses on his goals and interests outside of the relationship to lead a more balanced life, he stops being a pushover with her and takes more of the lead, or he creates the kind of dynamic that motivates her to treat him well an impress him) things will settle down.
She will feel a renewed sense of respect and attraction for him for being man enough to understand the problem and then care enough to fix it.
Yet, if he fails to get the message and continues making the same mistakes and turning her off the way he has been, a woman will usually just break up with him and try to move on.
9. Did you start off treating her really well, but then change over time?
A guy will do this sometimes if he thinks that his woman will stick with him forever, just because she said that she loves him early on, or because she is so in love with him at the time.
Yet, what he doesn’t realize, is that in today’s world, a woman doesn’t have to stay with a guy if he’s no longer giving her the relationship experience she wants (e.g. he makes her feel loved, respected, taken care of, attracted).
Instead, her willingness and desire to stay with him is based on how she feels with him.
She is not required by law to stay with him no matter what, even if they get married or have a family.
So, the way that it works is this: If a man makes her feel loved and feel the way she really wants to in a relationship (i.e. she wants to impress him, treat him well, win more of his love over time and build a future together, but at the same time, she is secure in his love for her), she will want to stick with him and be a good, loving woman to him in return.
On the other hand, if a man makes a woman lose a lot of respect and attraction for him due to his actions and behavior (e.g. being insecure, controlling, clingy, lacking purpose in life, not making her feel important), she can choose to break up with him because she’s an individual and not his property.
It’s just not like the way it was back in the 1800s, or early 1900s.
Things have changed and to keep a relationship together in today’s world, you need to know what you’re doing.
If you don’t ever figure that out, you will experience break up after break up, or will end up in an unhappy, loveless marriage or relationship.
So, you should use the break up that you had with her as a chance to finally get this area of your life sorted out.
Don’t make the same mistake again.
If you want to get her back, you can do that and you should do it while you still can.
If you want to make your next relationship work with a new woman, you can do that, but not if you end up making the same old mistakes, or new ones that you’re not yet aware of.
You have to get it right, or you will be back in the same place again and again throughout life (i.e. heartbroken, feeling left behind, wondering why you can’t find a good woman, or make a relationship work).
10. Did you make her lose touch with her sense of freedom and individuality in the relationship by being too controlling, needy or protective?
For example: A guy can make a woman feel that way by:
- Texting or calling her multiple times a day to check up on her.
- Going through her messages to see who she’s talking to.
- Refusing to let her hang out with her friends if he’s not with her.
- Demanding, or expecting that she spend all of her free time with him (e.g. evenings, weekends, holidays).
- Getting upset or accusing her of being unfaithful to him when she’s nice to other guys, or say something nice about another guy (e.g. she clicks ‘like’ on a guy’s post, smiles at a waiter, praises a male coworker in his presence, talks about a guy at work who is funny or who she thinks is cool).
Behavior like that will eventually make a woman feel like the relationship is too stressful (i.e. because she always has to go out of her way to reassure him and make him feel loved, wanted and secure. He can’t be secure without that because he is needy).
The opposite of being needy is being independently confident.
Independent confidence means that you feel confident no matter what a woman says or does.
Dependent confidence (i.e. neediness) means that you can only feel confident if a woman behaves in a certain way, or reassures you based on the way she talks to you or touches you.
So, if a woman finds herself with a guy who is needy, she can end up feeling suffocated and trapped.
Eventually, she may break up with him as a way of reclaiming her sense of freedom.
11. Who was the more emotionally unstable one?
When a guy is emotionally unstable in a relationship with a woman (e.g. easily irritated, unable to remain confident, moody, extremely jealous at times), he will usually end up saying or doing things that drive her away.
Of course, women are usually very moody and irritable in relationships, but unlike men, they don’t need to be totally confident, secure and stable in order to be attractive.
Women are attracted to a man’s confidence and emotional stability because it makes them feel protected, safe and girly when around him.
A man doesn’t need a woman to make him feel safe, protected and girly because she’s so strong.
Instead, a big part of the sexual attraction between a man and a woman is the woman feeling girly around the man and him being the one who she can cuddle into and feel protected by.
If a man is emotionally unstable, a woman can’t rely on him to be her ‘rock’ in this world and instead, will feel as though she needs to be more like a man to make him feel okay.
A woman doesn’t want that.
She wants to be free to be feminine, which does include her being moody, irrational and even unreasonable at times around her man.
It doesn’t mean that a man has to give into what she wants when she is being moody though.
Instead, it just means that a man has to be able to let a woman be a woman and at the same time, be a man for her.
If a man is unable to do that because he’s emotionally unstable (i.e. taking on the woman’s role in the relationship), then she’s not going to feel the desire to cuddle into him to feel safe and feel girly.
As a result, the sexual attraction will die out, arguments will happen often and they will grow apart.
Eventually, she will decide to break up with him and try to move on.
So, if you were the one who was being emotionally unstable in the relationship, it’s best to briefly (not a long winded, emotional apology) apologize to your ex for pushing her away and then show her (not tell her) that you’re not like that anymore.
You can show her based on how you now behave, react to her, talk and approach interactions with her.
When she senses that you’ve gotten control of your emotions, she will be able to drop her guard and interact with you more to see how things go from there.
Even if she doesn’t initially want to give you another chance, you will be on her mind and she will be missing you and wondering what it would feel like to get back together.
Soon enough, she will realize that if she doesn’t give you another chance, she’s probably going to end up regretting it and wanting you back.
As a result, she opens up to getting back with you and the relationship is better than before because you’re now more emotionally stable like a real man should be.
12. Did she expect too much from you?
Sometimes a woman has unrealistic expectations of a man (e.g. she wants him to take care of her and pay for everything, expects him to have all the answers, wants him to have a successful career and still come home and do most of the housework even though she’s home most of the day).
Not only does this put a lot of unnecessary pressure on a man, but it also leads to arguments and fights when the woman feels that her expectations aren’t being met.
Eventually the relationship becomes too stressful and they break up.
The only kind of man that a woman like that will respect and appreciate, is a man who doesn’t try to jump through all the hoops she holds up in a relationship.
Instead, he is a challenge and makes her feel like she needs to impress him and maintain his interest, while still being good to her and treating her well.
Anything other than that and a woman like her will complain, nag and argue all the way to a break up.
13. Was she secretly insecure about things she didn’t tell you about, or you didn’t pick up on?
For example: Did she feel as though you were too good for her (e.g. because your family is wealthier than hers, you got a better education than she did, you were rising through the levels in your career, while she was stuck in a dead end job)?
Did she secretly believe you could get yourself a much more attractive woman than her (i.e. because you’re very good looking and she’s more average looking)?
As a result, did she feel as though you were just settling for her and might cheat on her if you got the chance?
If she experienced those kinds of doubts or worries, she may have felt that you were better off without her, or she could avoid the pain and heartbreak of being dumped if she left you first.
If you want her back, you have to be prepared for her to always feel a bit insecure, regardless of what you say and do to reassure her.
Just don’t make the mistake of sucking up to her, over complimenting her and pouring your heart out to her in an attempt to get her back.
Always remember: Women aren’t attracted to desperation in men and they don’t want to be in a relationship with a desperate man.
So, approach her, interact with her and re-attract her, but don’t go overboard with the expressions of love and interest.
14. Did she give you a lot of reasons not to trust her, or were you too insecure to fully trust her?
Sometimes, a woman is an untrustworthy person who tells lies, cheats or behaves in ways (e.g. openly flirts with other guys, talks about an ex that she is still in love with) that gradually erode a man’s trust in her.
In other cases, a man has trust issues (e.g. because he got lied to or cheated on by a previous girlfriend, his mother left his father when he was very young to be with another man, he doesn’t believe in himself and in his value to her, so he’s always expecting her to cheat on him one day), which can lead to him destroying a relationship with a perfectly good woman.
If he had just remained confident in her love for him and not let his insecurities change his behavior, then she would have been loyal to him for life.
Yet, he couldn’t stop himself from becoming insecure, which then lead to her breaking up with him.
Alternatively, she was untrustworthy and despite him being a good guy, she dumped him or cheated on him anyway.
How about you?
After reading through the points in this article, do you think the break up was more your fault or hers?
Were you both at fault?
Regardless of who was to blame for the breakdown of the relationship, the question now is: Do you want another chance with her while you still can?
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