In most cases, the best time to ask your ex if she wants to get back together, is after you’ve had sex with her again.
Before that point, most women will say no to giving a relationship another chance, or will give wishy-washy answers like, “I’m not sure if I’m ready yet. Let’s wait a bit and see what happens,” or “I just need a bit more time to sort myself out. Let’s just be friends for now.”
You’re asking her for a commitment after being dumped.
You’re also asking for a relationship (that includes sex) even though she hasn’t felt the urge to have it with you.
You’re asking for too much too soon.
So, what you have to get 100% clear on here is that an exclusive relationship again is the LAST step of the ex back process, not the FIRST.
Prior to having sex with her ex, a woman will almost always have her guard up and will say, “No” to a request to start a relationship again.
Only a woman who is still in love with her ex and missing him like crazy will be open to agreeing to a relationship right away, before having sex with him again.
For pretty much every other woman though, she first wants to see how she feels with him sexually again, before opening up to the idea of committing to a relationship.
If she commits before having sex with him and then changes her mind, she’ll have to go through yet another serious break up with him, where he’ll likely try the same approach again (i.e. ask for a relationship before even hooking up with her sexually).
For example: Here are 3 scenarios where a woman broke up with a man and he tried to get a relationship with her without actually changing and improving the things that were important to her first.
1. A woman dumps a guy for being too insecure
Imagine a woman is in a relationship with a guy who is always feeling unsure of himself and his value to her.
As a result, he becomes really clingy and needy.
For example: He gives up on pursuing his personal goals or dreams, stops pursuing his own interests and hobbies and stops hanging out with his own friends unless everyone is going out together as couples.
In his mind he’s likely justifying his decision by thinking something along the lines of, “What I want doesn’t matter anymore. It’s got to be our goals and dreams, our friends and our interests from now on. After all, we’re a couple now and we have to do everything together.”
At the same time, he also continually seeks reassurance from his woman by asking questions like, “Do you still love me?” or, “You know that I wouldn’t be able to function without you in my life, right? You are everything to me” or, “You wouldn’t leave me, would you?”
Initially, his woman tries to reassure him of her love and devotion by saying things like, “Of course I love you,” or “You’re my guy and I love you. Why would I want to leave you? Just relax and enjoy what we have.”
She also encourages him to be more emotionally independent and do things on his own from time to time.
However, over time, she notices that he’s not changing and he simply continues to cling to her in a desperate, needy way.
As a result, she begins to get tired of having to help him understand how to be the man she needs.
She has tried for so long and has gotten to the point where she has given up, so she breaks up with him.
Of course, the thing that the guy feared the most just became a reality and all he can think about is that he needs her back as soon as possible.
So, he decides to wait for a week and then ask her for another chance.
In that week, he just sits around doing nothing else other than feeling lonely and sad and thinking things like, “I miss her so much! What will I do if she doesn’t want to give me another chance? I’ll never be able to move on and find another woman to replace her.”
Then, after a week of space, he calls her on the phone.
When she answers the call, she makes sure that she’s being cold and distant towards him and asking things like, “What do you want?”
Basically, she’s testing him to see if he’s changed and become more emotionally strong and confident since they broke up, or if he’s still at the same level as before.
Unfortunately though, rather than maintain his confidence with her and then use some humor to turn her coldness into feelings of respect and attraction for him again, he instead starts to feel nervous and unsure of himself.
He then begins stumbling over his words and saying things like, “Look, I know you’re mad at me right now, but I really need you. Please give our relationship another chance. I promise I’ll do whatever you want to make you happy. I just can’t go on another day without you. Please baby… come back to me!”
Naturally, she says “No,” because she can immediately sense that he’s still insecure.
Essentially, he’s asking for the end result without even giving her what she wants first (i.e. to see that he’s transformed himself into a more confident, self-assure, emotionally independent man), so she’s just not interested.
The next scenario is…
2. A woman breaks up with a guy for taking her for granted
In this example, the guy fell into the trap of believing that the love between him and his woman would last for life, just because it was so good at the start of the relationship.
So, although he initially paid lots of attention to his woman and made her feel loved and appreciated by saying things like, “You’re so gorgeous. I really love the way you always make an effort to look so amazing. I’m really proud to have you as my woman,” he soon began to pay attention to her less and less.
Over time, he didn’t comment on her appearance at all and when she tried to get a reaction out of him by asking thinks like, “Do I look nice in this dress?” or, “Do you like my hair this way?” he would often brush her off with something along the lines of, “It’s fine,” or “If you’re happy with it, it’s okay by me” rather than occasionally taking a moment to say, “Wow, you look good. My sexy girlfriend. I love you. Come here” and then giving her a hug and a kiss.
He also stopped pulling his weight around the house and fell into the habit of expecting her to always be the one who cooks/washes the dishes/cleans up/runs all the errands/pays the bills, while he watches TV, plays video games or hangs out with his buddies.
At the same time, all the thoughtful, romantic things he used to do for her (e.g. surprise her with a gift or flowers from time-to-time, take her on romantic dates to nice restaurants once in a while), fell away and got replaced with mundane things like ordering takeout rather than going out, socializing with friends rather than spending time alone, or watching TV rather than doing something interesting or romantic together.
Essentially, he made the mistake of assuming that just because his woman cares so much for him, she’ll put up with anything, forever.
However, it didn’t work out that way.
Instead, she started to feel taken for granted and began thinking things like, “Is this what it’s going to be like from now on? I’m sorry but that’s not acceptable to me. I didn’t sign up to be with a man who treats me like dirt. I want to feel loved and special, not like I’m another piece of the furniture, or like I’m his servant!”
Eventually, she lost so much respect, attraction and love for him as a man that she broke up with him.
After the initial shock of losing her, the guy decided that he would wait 30 days before asking her for another chance.
So, he cut off all contact with her (i.e. no texts, social media messages, calls or meet ups) and ignored her for a full month.
Secretly he was hoping that she would miss him so much, that she would either come running back to him, or want to get back with him the minute he contacts her after 30 days.
Unfortunately though, what he didn’t realize was that because she had disconnected from her feelings for him, not hearing from him at all after the break up, only gave her time to fully get over him and move on with another man who made her feel attracted, loved and appreciated instead.
So, when he finally did get in touch with her after a month of No Contact and asked her if she wants to get back together, he was devastated when she responded by saying something along the lines of, “Are you seriously asking me to give our relationship another chance after you took me for granted and treated me like I didn’t matter and then, when we broke up, you continued to do it by ignoring me for a whole month? I’m sorry, but I don’t deserve to be messed around like that, so my answer is no! Besides, I’ve met someone else and he makes me feel the way you never could. So, please don’t contact me again. What we had is now truly over.”
The next scenario is…
3. A woman breaks up with a guy because she no longer feels attracted to him
This couple began a relationship with a lot of attraction and desire.
At first, everything felt exciting and new and they really enjoyed being together, kissing, having sex and getting to know each other.
Yet, over time, something began to change.
The woman began to notice that her guy was unable to maintain her feelings of respect, attraction and love for him, because he stopped behaving in the attractive ways that he had at the beginning of the relationship.
Instead, he began to think, act and behave in ways that eroded her feelings for him and made her want to close herself off, pull away and stop being a good woman to him.
For example: Some of the ways he started turning her off were…
- He began treating her more like a neutral friend, rather than a desirable woman, so the spark of lust faded away.
- He stopped being confident and self-assured like he was at the beginning of the relationship and started being insecure, needy and clingy all the time, which made her feel stressed and like she always had to take care of him emotionally.
- He refused to take on the more dominant role in the relationship and expected her to take the lead and make all the important decisions for the both of them, which made her feel like she had power over him
Naturally, this caused her to lose respect for him and she began thinking things like, “This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. I should be feeling in love and attracted to my man, but instead, I feel so turned off by him. The spark is gone between us and I don’t know if we can ever get it back. I hate to admit it, but this just doesn’t seem to be working anymore. Maybe it’s time for me to find another man who can make me feel the way I want to feel in a relationship with him (i.e. attracted, excited, turned on).”
However, rather than break up with him right away, she instead tried to shake him up a bit by making her unhappiness clear to him during conversations and even in arguments and disagreements (e.g. by saying things like, “There’s no spark between us anymore. I feel like we’re brother and sister instead of a couple” or, “You’re smothering me with your clinginess” or, “I’m tired of making all the decisions. Why don’t you be a man and do it yourself for a change?”).
Unfortunately, though, he didn’t really pay much attention to her, because like most guys, he assumed that she was just being a temperamental, moody woman and that she would get over it because she loves him.
So, when she finally broke up with him, he was shocked.
Of course he wanted her back right away, but because things ended badly between them, he decided to wait 2 weeks before asking her for another chance via text.
He believed that this was the best approach and that he stood a better chance of getting her back, if he explained (via text) that he’s figured out where he went wrong and then asks her if she want to get back together.
Yet, his approach completely backfired.
Firstly, it’s very difficult for a guy to spark a woman’s sexual and romantic feelings for him with just a few words on a screen.
So, because she couldn’t see his body language, hear the tonality of his voice, or judge his actions and behavior in person or on a phone call, she just assumed that he was the same guy that she broke up with (e.g. insecure, needy, clingy, not manly enough, boring).
At the same time, she felt hurt and annoyed that he didn’t even have the balls to call her on the phone and ask her.
Instead, he tried to initiate an entire reconciliation with her via text as though she meant nothing to him.
As a result, she said “No.”
He then felt like he lost any chance he might have still had with her, gave up and spent the rest of his life thinking of her as “the one that got away.”
If You Want Her to Say “Yes” to Getting Back Together, Focus On Sexual Attraction First
As you will likely have realized by now, getting back into a relationship is the last step of the ex back process, not the first.
The first step is to re-spark your ex’s feelings of respect, sexual attraction and love for you in person, so she wants to get back together for real.
That’s how it works.
Attraction first, relationship last.
So, don’t ask her if she wants to get back together, if you haven’t re-sparked her feelings for you, because she won’t respond favorably to you.
At the same time, make sure you don’t turn her off even more, by making any of the following mistakes:
1. Putting her in a position of power when she doesn’t want to be
Sometimes, a guy thinks that if he allows his ex to call all the shots (i.e. she decides when they can talk on the phone or meet up in person, or whether she’s ready to discuss giving him another chance with her), she will be happy and then she’ll be more open to getting back together again.
Yet, rather than feel happy, she ends up not only messing him around, but also losing even more respect for him at the same time.
Remember: A woman wants to be with a man that she can look up to and respect, not a guy that is willing to submit and follow her orders like a good, little boy.
Then, because she no longer respects him, she also can’t feel sexually attracted to him and without those two things, connecting with her feelings of love for him becomes next to impossible.
So, don’t hand all your power over to your ex by asking her if she wants to get back together again.
It’s not really up to her whether that happens or not, it’s up to you.
If you maintain your confidence with her, regardless of what she says and does to push you away and then also focus on sparking her feelings for you (e.g. by making her laugh and smile and feel good every time she interacts with you), she won’t be able to stop herself from wanting to be your girl again.
You can then guide her back into a relationship with you.
That’s what she wants.
The next mistake to avoid is…
2. Waiting so long to start the ex back process that she just moves on
It’s only naturally that if you had a particularly stormy break up with your ex (e.g. the relationship ended with a fight, she said that she never wants to see you again), you might feel a bit nervous about contacting her and asking her if she wants to get back together again.
You may also have read online that guys can get their ex back by ignoring her for 30 or even 60 days.
Yet, here’s the thing…
If your ex has lost touch with her feelings of respect, attraction and love for you, the longer you wait to contact her and re-attract her, the more time you’re giving her to move on.
Then, by the time you contact her to try and get her back, she will likely say something along the lines of, “Sorry, but I’m seeing someone else now, so please don’t call me again.”
The next mistake to avoid is…
3. Thinking that asking her if she is ready is what will make her really want it
The main thing that will actually make a woman want to get back together with her ex is if he can show her via his attitude, actions, behavior and the way he responds to her that he’s changed and improved some of the things that were turning her off before.
So, rather than asking your ex if she’s ready to give your relationship another chance, focus instead on showing her that you’ve transformed yourself into a new man.
When she can see for herself that if she got back with you, things would definitely be different and that she wouldn’t have to deal with the same problems as before, she will naturally stop putting up walls every time you interact with her.
This then allows her to begin feeling some of the positive emotions she’s been trying not to associate with you anymore (e.g. respect, sexual attraction, romantic love).
From there, just focus on making every interaction she has with you fun, interesting and relaxed (e.g. by using humor to ease the tension between you and her, flirting with her to create a sexual vibe) and she will naturally feel a desire to work on the relationship and give you another chance.
The next mistake to avoid is…
4. Being neutral and friendly and then asking her for another chance
If you act friendly or neutral around your ex, she will probably only ever have friendly, neutral, non-sexual feelings for you.
Then, if another guy comes along and sparks her feelings of respect and sexual attraction for him, she will quickly get into a relationship with him without giving you another thought, because you’re just a nice, neutral friend in her eyes.
So, don’t let that happen to you.
If you want her back, make sure that you actively spark her feelings of sexual and romantic attraction for you, rather than pretending that you’re not really interested in being her man anymore, or you just want to be her friend.
Of course, it’s totally fine to be friendly with her.
Just ensure that you’re also making her feel strong surges of sexual and romantic attraction for you too.
When you do, the relationship will naturally get back together right away, or very quickly.