If you’re asking, “Why am I insecure in my relationship?” here are 5 possible reasons why you could be feeling that way:
1. You lack purpose outside of your relationship with her
When a man lacks purpose in his life (e.g. doesn’t have big dreams and goals that he is working towards), he will often choose to make his girlfriend (fiancé or wife) his main purpose in life.
Being in a relationship with her becomes the main part of his identity as a man and of his place in this world.
Without her, he would feel lost, alone and confused about what he should be doing with his life.
When a man approaches a relationship with his woman in that way, it’s only natural that he would begin to feel insecure and worried about losing her.
If he if hiding from his purpose in life behind the safety of being in a relationship with her, he might try to convince himself that he is doing the right thing.
For example, he might think, “She is my soul mate. Without her, I am nothing. We are meant to be together. This is what my life is all about. I just want to devote all my time, energy and love to her. I don’t care about anything else in life but her. She is what matters to me.”
To show her just how much she means to him, he will begin to:
- Give up all his friends and other interests to spend every spare minute with her.
- Shower her with gifts and other tokens of his love and affection.
- Make himself available to her 24/7.
- Help her out with everything (e.g. housework, errands, homework).
- Tell her repeatedly how much he loves her and how lost he would be without her.
- Do whatever she wants him to do.
In his own mind, he is simply being a good boyfriend (fiancé or husband).
However, even though you might agree with him and think that a man should be like that with his woman, it’s actually a recipe for disaster.
Although it is true that a woman wants a man who will love her, take care of her and make her feel special, most women also want to know that their man has more going on in his life than just her.
Most women understand that a real man is someone who will love her, while also working hard at achieving his own dreams and goals in life that are independent of his relationship with her.
Of course, there are some women (e.g. insecure, unattractive) who like it when a guy has no life purpose and makes everything about her, because she can then feel safe that he won’t leave her.
However, if a woman is attractive and wants a real man, she isn’t going to be able to continue feeling respect, attraction and love for a guy who is afraid of reaching for his true potential as a man.
She will know that she deserves better than to waste her life with a man who is afraid of failure and is hiding behind her and the relationship.
On the other hand, if you are a man of purpose who can also deepen her feelings of respect, attraction and love over time, you don’t have anything to be insecure about.
Women know how difficult it is to find a real man and once then get one, they hold on tight and never let go.
2. You don’t believe that you could easily attract another quality woman if she dumped you
If you feel that you got lucky when you hooked up with your girlfriend (fiancé or wife), and found it difficult to attract other quality women before you met her, then it’s only natural that you will feel insecure in your relationship with her.
You may have thought something like, “If I lose her, I will have to go out there and talk to attractive women and hope to get one of them to like me. I know that it wasn’t easy before, so it will probably be even harder now that my game is a little rusty.”
You might know that you could easily attract average or unattractive women, but you know that hot girls require a certain level of confidence and social skills to pick up.
Here’s the thing…
When a guy is insecure in his relationship with a woman, it’s not something he can keep hidden from her completely.
Eventually, the insecurity takes on other forms (e.g. clinginess, jealousy, over-protectiveness) and starts to impact how he interacts with her.
For example: If his woman decides she likes to have a girls night out with her girlfriends once a week, rather than use this time to catch up with his friends as well, an insecure guy might react by being:
- Clingy: Saying things like, “Are you going to cheat on me? Are you going to flirt with other guys? What will you do if a guy starts hitting on you? Are you going to be faithful to me?” or “Wouldn’t it be better if we just stayed home together? Please don’t go! Please!!!”
- Over-protective: Asking her to tell him exactly where she is going, what she plans to do with her friends, who is going and exactly what time she’ll be back, “Just to make sure you’re safe.” He might also decide to text her once every two hours to make sure that she is okay.
- Jealous: Getting angry about her wanting to do things without him, and accusing her of flirting or cheating with other guys when she’s out by herself.
Initially, a woman might think this type of behavior is sweet because it shows how much her man loves her and wants to be with her.
However, over time if the behavior continues and he doesn’t ever get to a point where he gives her his full trust, she will begin to feel turned off by his emotional weakness (e.g. his insecurity, self-doubt).
Eventually, she will find herself feeling less and less respect for him as a man and she will actually start wanting to flirt with and maybe even hook up with another guy.
When a woman loses respect for her man, her sexual attraction for him also fades, and eventually all the love she feels for him gets pushed into the background and gets replaced by negative feelings and emotions (e.g. irritation, anger, resentment, disgust).
When her insecure man notices that she’s pulling away from him, his insecurity grows strong and he becomes even more clingy, needy and jealous.
Unfortunately, this only causes her to shut herself off from him, creating a negative cycle that usually leads to a break up.
3. You lack confidence in your attractiveness and value to her
If you are the type of guy who is afraid that, every time your woman looks at, or talks to another guy, you might lose her to him, then it’s probably because you’re not very confident about your attractiveness and value to her.
For example: If a guy sees his girlfriend (fiancé or wife) talking to a guy who is better looking, richer or more successful than him, he will begin to feel insecure about his relationship with her.
He is creating the insecurity by assuming that the other guys must be more attractive to her than he is because they look better, are richer or more successful.
What he doesn’t know is that while a woman might feel some fleeting attraction to a random guy (like he feels fleeting attraction for random girls he sees), it doesn’t mean that she is going to leave her current man to pursue the random guy.
However, if you continue to doubt your value to her and are worried about her feeling more attracted to other guys, eventually your insecurity will turn her off and she will begin to wonder whether you are right.
4. You’re afraid of being alone again
Guys who have grown up feeling unloved (e.g. parents got divorced, parents were emotionally closed off, parents who preferred certain children more than others in the family), who don’t have many friends or who haven’t had many relationship in their life, will often cling to a woman out of fear of ending up alone again.
This fear of loneliness may cause a guy to close himself off from expressing emotions in his relationship (e.g. by being open and loving), because he fears getting hurt or being rejected.
Instead, what he will do is take as much of her love as he can and store it all up to hopefully not feel so bad if she decides to leave him.
For example: He will take her love by getting her to regularly reassure him of her love for him or getting her to tell him how much he means to her.
Essentially, he needs her to show him a lot of love so he can feel good about himself, because he is hurt on the inside.
The mature way to have a relationship is to share love.
You both make each other feel loved, wanted, appreciated and accepted, rather than trying to take more love than you give in case the other person wants to leave you.
Some guys who take love from women will close himself off and only give a woman half or even less of his heart.
What he doesn’t realize is the more closed off he is from his woman, the more he is pushing her away.
Women are emotional beings and like to feel the flow love in their relationship.
A woman wants to be with a guy who wants her, loves her and respects her, but if she feels that she’s giving so much of of herself, without ever getting enough love back in return, she will begin to feel like he isn’t the guy for her.
5. You have trust issues
When in a relationship, you have to accept the risk that your woman might break your trust and hurt you in some way (e.g. cheat, lie) one day, just like she has to accept that you might break her trust too.
If you want your relationship with your woman to be successful, you have to give her your full trust and let her take care of it.
Regardless of what has happened to you in the past (e.g. you’ve been hurt, cheated on by an ex, treated badly by your parents), if you want your current relationship to last, you have to trust her to be good to you now and in the long run.
If you can’t give her your trust all the time, you will end up destroying the attraction, respect and love she has for you as a man because she will feel turned off by your insecurity and lack of deep heart connection with her.
Remember: She’s With You For a Reason
Being insecure will never, ever make your relationship better with a woman.
It’s just not something that women ever want from a man.
You’ve got to get rid of your insecurity and be an emotionally strong man for her, otherwise she will get turned off and the relationship will begin to fall apart.
How can you start to get rid of your insecurity?
Firstly, you need to start focusing on the good things about your relationship and how much potential is has.
You attracted her to you in the first place, so you have the potential to become an even better man now and in the near future, which will make her feel even more attracted to you.