When a woman is saying, “I’m confused about whether or not to get back with you,” it can be because…
1. She Doesn’t Think You Can Change and Give Her the Attraction Experience She Wants
In most cases, a woman doesn’t just decide to break up with her guy at the spur of the moment for no reason at all.
Instead, she has usually spent a long time thinking about it and debating with herself by thinking things like, “I still care about him. Maybe if I give him another chance he will change this time,” and then “No! I’ve had enough. I’ve given him plenty of chances and he never changes. I don’t believe that he will ever change, or even that he knows how or what to change. It’s better if I just break up with him and find myself another guy who can give me the attraction experience I really want. He just doesn’t get it and probably never will.”
So, when she finally breaks up him and he tries to get her back, she may end up saying things like, “I don’t know…I’m confused about whether or not to get back with you. I haven’t decided yet” because deep down, she’s still going through the same debate in her mind (i.e. that she still cares for him vs. she doesn’t believe that he can change and give her what she really wants).
Most women don’t want to be that girl who is unlucky in love and is always getting in and out of relationships, so they try to hang on if they can.
It’s embarrassing for most women to have to go her friends and family and admit that yet another relationship has failed, because she doesn’t want to look like she’s hopeless at selecting guys or at keeping a relationship together.
Yet, even though she doesn’t want the relationship to end, she doesn’t want to have to help her guy understand how to be the man she needs.
Not knowing this, a guy will usually make the mistake of saying something like, “Why haven’t you decided yet? What is making you confused? Just tell me what you want me to do and I will do it. I need you to explain exactly what you want, so that I can give it to you. Then, you won’t have to be confused anymore because I’ll be giving exactly what you want. Believe me, I am willing to do whatever it takes. Just tell me what I need to do and I will do it.”
Yet, that’s not what a woman wants.
When she gets to the point of wanting to break up, she will be stressed out and tired of trying to help him become the man that she needs.
Instead, she will be hoping that he can figure it out on his own or get some help and then start being the kind of man that she wants and needs.
Additionally, if she has to explain to him what he needs to change to make her happy, the changes in him won’t feel as real compared to if he did it on his own.
She will always suspect that he is just faking the change to make her happy, rather than being his true self.
She then won’t know who he really is and if he will someday change back and disappoint her again, especially if she gets pregnant or if they get married and she is then stuck with him.
Here’s the thing…
Women don’t want to be totally responsible for shaping a man and changing who he really is, especially when they have gotten to the point where they’ve decided that enough is enough and it’s time to end the relationship.
When a woman gets to that point, she just wants him to figure it out on his own, so that she can start looking up to him and respecting him as a man.
She doesn’t want to have to continue looking down on him or feeling like she will have to continue helping him grow up and become a real man for the rest of her life.
So, the first step to getting your ex back is to renew her feelings of respect and attraction for you, by showing her (via the way you talk, think, behave, interact with her and respond to her) that you have figured out what you need to change about yourself and have already taken action to become a better man than before.
For example: If a woman broke up with a guy because he was too needy and insecure in the relationship with her, to convince her to get back with him, he must show her that he’s now more emotionally independent.
He has to let her get the sense (by talking to her on the phone and in person) that he wants her back, but he doesn’t need her back to be happy.
He is already happy.
He is confident, happy, emotionally strong and is enjoying life with or without her around.
He wants her back, but doesn’t need her back.
When she can see for herself that he really has changed and no longer needs her for his emotional well-being, she will be a lot more open to getting back together again.
On the other hand, if he’s just saying things like, “Please give me another chance. I miss you so much. I can’t eat or sleep without you,” it simply highlights to her that he’s still the same guy she broke up with and that nothing would change if they got back together.
Another example is when a man got broken up with for being too emotionally wimpy to the point where he usually fears standing up for himself to her and to people in general.
To make her want to get back with him, he has to show her that he’s more emotionally strong now and that he can stand up for himself.
If she then tests him (e.g. by being cold or bitchy towards him, by pushing him around) he now laughs at her attempts to mess with him, rather than taking it so seriously.
For example: If she says, “I want to come around to your place and pick up the rest of my stuff,” rather than just giving her a, “Yes Mam!” kind of answer, he can say, “Your stuff? Well, I threw that out already. I sold the good stuff to a pawn shop, but the rest I just threw out. Sorry!” and then have a laugh.
She will then see that he is not only standing up for himself, but he’s also able to do it in a way that makes her smile and even laugh.
Suddenly, she realizes that something really has changed about him and she automatically starts to feel respect and attraction for him again.
From that moment onwards, deciding whether or not to get back together again becomes a lot easier for her, because she now feels attracted to the new version of him.
When your ex experiences the new you, it makes her drop her guard and she begins to think, “Why have I been so confused about whether or not to get back with my ex? He’s nothing like the guy I used to know. This new version of him is how I always wanted him to be. I would be crazy to let him go.”
From there, you simply need to continue building on her feelings of respect and attraction and guide her back into a relationship with you.
Another reason why your ex might be saying that she’s confused about whether or not to get back with you is that…
2. She is Being Influenced By Her Single Girlfriends
Sometimes, when a woman is young and inexperienced with relationships, or has a very close relationship with her girlfriends, she might become easily influenced by their opinions.
For example: A woman’s friends might not like her boyfriend (or husband) very much, so when she breaks him they might then say things like, “Finally! He was all wrong for you girl. You made the right decision to break up with him. He was just too serious and uptight around us. At least now you can have some fun and relax. There are plenty of hot guys out there for you to meet, so don’t worry about him. Let’s just have some fun.”
Then, if he tries to get back with her, she will likely tell him that she’s confused about whether or not to get back with him because the opinions of her friends will be weighing her down.
Alternatively, a woman could also think that she’s just too young to settle down and she might feel jealous of her girlfriends who are enjoying the single life and are free to go out to bars, get drunk and pick up guys if they want to.
This will make her feel uncertain about getting back together with her ex because she will be feeling drawn to the single girl lifestyle and all the fun she could have with her friends.
So, if you want to get her back, you need to make sure that the relationship she has with you from now on feels better to her than the single life and is more important than anything her friends might say about you.
If she is happy in her relationship with you and she feels respect, attraction and love for you, she will be much less influenced by what her friends are saying or doing.
At this point though, some guys hope that giving their ex some space to hang out with her single friends will result in her eventually getting bored of it and coming running back to him.
For example: A guy might say to his ex, “Do what you need to do. Take some time to think things over and then when you’re ready we can hook up and see where things go. I will wait for you for as long as it takes.”
He might then stop interacting with her for 30 or 60 days (in some cases even longer than that) and hope that everything simply works out between them again.
Yet, when he doesn’t hear from her, he starts asking, “Why isn’t she calling me? Does she need more time? Is she still confused about whether she wants to get back together with me or not? Has she met another guy? Is she in love and has now forgotten about me?”
In most cases, a woman will just move on if her ex ignores her for too long.
After all, it’s pretty easy for women to get sex.
All she has to do is go out to a bar or nightclub and there will loads of guys who want to stick it in.
Likewise, if she gets on an online dating app or site, she will instantly have 100s or even 1,000s of guys lining up to meet her in person.
So, here’s the thing…
Telling a woman that you will wait for her as long as it takes, usually won’t get rid of her confusion and make her say, “You know what? I’ve changed my mind. Since you were willing to wait so patiently, it must mean that you are the one. I am going to stick with you.”
Of course, in rare cases a woman will say that, but in most cases she won’t.
If getting her back was that simple, you wouldn’t be hear reading this and learning from me right now, would you?
You’d just give her some space and she’d come back.
Yet, your gut instinct is telling you that giving her space probably isn’t going to work with her this time.
Something doesn’t seem right and you know that she’s most likely going to try to move on without you.
So, what should you do instead?
Make her feel attracted to you again.
By making her feel attracted to you in the ways she really wants (e.g. by making her feel feminine and girly in your presence, being more emotionally dominant than her, making her laugh and feel excited to be around you) will cause her to automatically change her mind about the break up.
So, don’t waste time waiting for her to make up her mind and run the risk losing her completely.
Instead, to get her to stop feeling confused about whether she wants to be with you or not, you have to actively spark her feelings of respect and attraction again.
When you make her feel attracted in new and exciting ways, she will realize that her love for you is stronger than she ever thought possible.
Then, the thought of losing you worries her and she becomes the one who wants to get back together with you before you decide to move on without her.
Another reason why a woman will say that she’s confused about whether or not to get back together with you is that…
3. She is Leading You On While She Secretly Tries to Find a Replacement Guy
In some cases, a woman might say to herself, “I’m going to keep my ex around for a while until I can find myself another guy. That way, if I don’t meet someone else and I get tired of being single, my ex will always be around as a backup” or, “I will keep him around until I find a new guy. That way, I won’t have to be the one who gets hurt by seeing him move on faster than me.”
She might then give him mixed signals (e.g. being friendly and making him think that she’s interested in getting back together. Then, going cold and saying things like, “I’m confused about whether or not I want to get back with you. Please stop pushing me to make a decision. I still need more time, please respect that”) while she continues to actively look for a new man behind his back.
Some guys don’t want to accept that this might be her ploy and may even say, “My ex is not like that. She’s going to stay loyal to me even though we’re broken up because of the amazing love we used to share. She’s a good woman, so I know she won’t just go and sleep with some random guy. The love that her and I used to share will remind her that we are meant to be together. That alone will prevent her from looking for another guy until she’s ready to get back together with me.”
Yet, thinking like that is naïve and is dead wrong in most cases.
I’ve helped so many phone coaching clients to get their ex woman back and men often say something like, “She’s different. She doesn’t sleep around easily” or, “She wouldn’t do that. She said that she’s not interested in dating anyone else right now.”
He literally believes what she says.
Unfortunately, in most of those cases, the woman was secretly trying to find herself a new guy behind his back, or was already seeing a new guy and kept it completely hidden from him.
So many clients have contacted me back to tell me things like that.
Here’s the thing…
Many women can look you straight in the eye and say, “This doesn’t mean that I want another guy or that I’m going to move on. I’m not interested in dating other guys. I just feel confused right now and need some more time to think. Can you do that for me? Can you just be a little bit more patient?”
She might have been a really good, loving, honest, caring and kind woman during the relationship, but the sad thing is that women change when they decide to break up with a guy.
After all, she is an individual and because of that, she’s going to look after her feelings before yours.
You might be still thinking of her as being the kind, loving, honest woman that she was, but she has to change her approach to you in order to protect herself from getting hurt.
In most cases that I’ve seen, the woman will already be meeting up with one or two other guys who are interested in her (e.g. coworker, friend of a friend, ex boyfriend, random guy she met while she was with you, her boss).
Then, while you’re waiting around for her to make up her mind, she is getting ready to tell you something like, “I’m sorry. I’ve met someone else. I know you’ve been waiting for me, but it’s over between us. I was confused before until I met this new guy. I probably should have told you sooner, but I didn’t want you to get angry.”
So many of my phone coaching clients have said things like, “She has become a completely different person. She was never like this before. She was just so cold towards me. How can she change and become so selfish?”
She was an individual before she got into a relationship with you, while in a relationship and is still an individual now that you and her are broken up.
The same applies to you.
Just because you and her were in love and enjoyed a great relationship for a while, it doesn’t mean that you and her have become one.
You have always been and still are two individuals.
The only difference is that when you were in a relationship, you were two individuals who decided to be together.
Now, you are an individual who wants to be with her and she is an individual who is confused about whether or not she wants to be with you.
So, what should you do?
Watch this video…
You’ve got to start making her feel attracted to you in the ways that are really important to her.
Don’t make the mistake of assuming that just because you and your ex once shared and amazing love, she’s going to be 100% faithful to you now that you are broken up.
Unless she has strong feelings for you and is leaning towards getting back with you, she simply won’t feel honor-bound to say “No” to another guy if he comes along and makes her feel attracted in ways that really matter to her (e.g. he makes her feel feminine and girly, whereas you slipped into the habit of just making her feel like a friend or “one of the boys” around you).
So, rather than giving her the opportunity to hook up with someone else and potentially move on, you simply have to get her to reconnect with her old feelings of love for you by making her feel respect and attraction for the new and improved version of you.
For example: If a guy had become annoying in the relationship (e.g. always pestering her to get her attention, criticizing her, being silly way too much to get her attention, arguing with her all the time), he will need to show her that he has changed and is now a more charismatic, charming, likeable man.
If he was too controlling, he needs to show her that he no longer worries about what she might think, feel or do when he’s not around.
When you make your ex feel the way that she really wants to feel (e.g. respectful, attracted, excited, in love) every time you interact with her from now on (e.g. on a phone call, or in person) the thought of hooking up with another guy will vanish from her mind.
She then begins to think, “Why am I bothering looking for someone else when my ex is actually the man I really want? The only reason I thought I wanted another guy was because my ex wasn’t being the kind of man that I wanted him to be, but that’s definitely not the case any more. He has definitely changed and I really like the guy he has become. I’d be a fool to lose him. I’m not confused now. I want him back.”
Once she starts thinking that way, she opens herself up to giving the relationship another chance.
Then, you and her can get back together and get on with being an even better couple than you’ve ever been before.
There are great times ahead for you and her.
She is most likely waiting for you to make it happen.