To break down your ex’s defenses so she opens up to you again, you need to do the following:
1. Understand what is making her have her defenses up
Chances are high that something about your behavior or the way you’ve been interacting with your ex has been causing her to feel defensive.
- Have you been trying to get her back even though you don’t understand what she really wants?
For example: A woman might want her ex to be more relaxed and not take things so seriously all the time, but he is constantly calling her up to have long, serious discussions about the relationship and what went wrong.
Alternatively, she might want him to be less wimpy and to stand up for himself, but e tries to get her back by being extra nice and sweet and making himself available to her every beck and call.
Naturally, when a woman sees that her guy just doesn’t understand her real reasons for breaking up with him, she will remain closed up to avoid giving him the impression that she is willing to accept his mistaken approach.
If he wants her back, he has to understand why she really broken up with him (e.g. because he was too emotionally sensitive, didn’t make her feel girly enough in comparison to his masculinity, gave her too much power).
- Have you honestly changed the things that were turning her off?
It’s one thing to understand what your ex wants you to change, but it’s quite another thing to actually do it.
Sometimes, a guy will hope that he can get an ex back by saying things like, “I promise to change if you give me another chance,” or “I promise that this time things will be different.”
That can work if the woman is still in love with the guy, is sharing bills with him and needs him, or isn’t yet sure if she fully wants to break up with him.
However, if he’s used that approach on her before and didn’t change, or if she knows that she doesn’t need him and can be happy without him, she will reject him and want to continue on with the break up.
So, remember: Actions speak louder than words.
If you want to break down your ex’s defenses so she opens up to you again, make sure that you really have changed the things that were turning off (e.g. if you were insecure, you are so much more confident now).
Make sure that she can see that you’re not just promising to change only if she comes back to you.
You’ve already begun to change and can now interact with her and make her feel a renewed sense of respect and attraction for you because of it (e.g. if she was more emotionally mature than you, she can now see that you’ve improved and become a more emotionally strong, emotionally mature man).
Another possible reason why she has her defenses up, is to make you hate her for being so difficult and unloving.
- Is she trying to make you hate her so you get over her?
Sometimes, when a guy is being very persistent about getting his ex back (but isn’t doing anything to re-spark her feelings for him), a woman will act cold and distant towards him as a way of turning him off her.
She hopes that if she’s bitchy enough to him, he will begin to hate her and then leave her alone, to hook up with a woman who shows him more love and appreciation.
Do you think that applies to your ex?
If so, don’t hate her.
Instead, just focus on making her feel a renewed sense of respect and sexual attraction every time you interact with her from now on.
When you do that, she will drop her defenses and start feeling drawn to you in a new and interesting way.
She will want to explore her new feelings for you, rather than pushing you away.
- Is her behavior making you angry or plead and beg for her to open up to you?
After getting dumped, everything you say and do is either going to make your ex feel attracted to you or turn her off further.
So, if you get angry with her and say things like, “Why are you being like this? Why are you being so closed up? I’m just trying to make things right between us. Why won’t you open up and talk to me” or if you beg and plead and become emotionally weak around her, it’s just going to turn her off even more.
Here’s the thing…
To make a woman drop her defenses and open up, you need to make her feel positive emotions such as respect, attraction, love, excitement, curiosity and giddy happiness.
So, if your current or recent attitude towards her has been angry, wimpy or emotionally weak, it’s only natural that she will feel defensive and not want to open back up to you.
- Are you trying to get her back to make yourself feel better?
You might feel that your ex is the one for you, but if she doesn’t feel the same way about you right now (i.e. because you haven’t first reactivated her feelings for you, which is the first step of the ex back process), she’s not going to really care that you want her back.
If you want her to open up again, you need to focus on making her feel the kind of emotions that she wants to feel when she’s with you (e.g. respectful, happy, in love, hopeful, attracted).
Then when she sees that you’ve changed your approach to her and are now making her feel the way she wants to feel, she will naturally drop her guard and open up to you again.
The next step is to…
2. Stop trying to get her to commit to a relationship right now
A common mistake that guys make after a break up is trying to get their ex to agree to get back together immediately and work on the relationship.
After helping guys to get women back for many years now, I know that in most cases, a guy must give his woman 3 to 7 days of space before trying to get her back.
Some guys can get their woman back immediately (i.e. by immediately changing, re-attracting her and remaining confident), but most guys need to give their woman 3 to 7 days of space.
Of course, most guys don’t know that when they dumped, so they push for a relationship right away and end up making her feel defensive.
For example: A guy might say to his ex, “Look I know I stuffed up, but please don’t give up on us. We can make this work if you just give us one chance. I promise to work on whatever you want to work on. I will change. You have my word on that. So, let’s do this. There’s no need to break up. Let’s just work this out.”
Yet, a woman doesn’t want to hear that before a guy has reactivated her feelings of love, respect and attraction.
She has dumped him because she no longer has strong enough feelings, or is sick of the conditions of the relationship, so she doesn’t want to commit to a relationship right away.
It’s just too much pressure, too soon after the break up.
Even though he is still in love with her and wants her back more than anything, she just doesn’t feel that way about him yet.
So, if he says something along the lines of, “Come on babe. All I’m asking is that you open up to me a little bit so that we can fix our relationship,” rather than make her think, “Okay, well I guess working things out isn’t such a bad thing. We can do that. Let’s fix this!” she starts feeling anxious and puts her defenses up.
It’s just too soon for her.
She has broken up with him for good reasons in her mind and he hasn’t yet done anything to change, so for all she knows, she is most likely just going to get the same kind of relationship experience with him.
She might also fear that he just wants to get her back briefly, so he can then be the one to dump her and feel better about himself.
If she gets that sense, or feels as though he’s trying to force her into a relationship without changing, she will keep her defenses up.
So, if you are serious about breaking down your ex’s defenses so she opens up to you again, don’t try to get her to commit to anything right now.
Instead, give her 3 to 7 days of space if you haven’t done so already.
Then, interact with her over the phone (not via text. It doesn’t work in most cases) or in person and make her feel respect and attraction for you again (e.g. by making her laugh and smile, making her feel good in your presence, showing her via your actions and the way you respond to her that you really have changed).
The more you re-spark her feelings for you on a phone call or in person, the more her defenses will come down without you having to force it.
From there, you just need to…
3. Focus on reactivating her original feelings for you
Some of the ways you can do that is by…
- Being confident and emotionally strong around her, rather than feeling insecure and unsure of yourself.
- Creating sexual tension between you and her by flirting and making her laugh and smile, rather than always being on your best behavior and making her feel bored, annoyed or stressed out.
- Getting on with living a happy, productive life without her, rather than letting her see that you’re panicking and in a rush to get her back because you need her, are lost without her or because you are worried about other guys taking her.
- Being emotionally masculine, so she can relax into being a totally feminine woman around you, rather than being emotionally timid and allowing her to dominate you, which then makes her feel like a masculine woman around you.
- Not taking her reactions to you so seriously (i.e. joking around and being very confident when she’s being closed off and emotional), rather than getting sucked into her drama and losing confidence in yourself.
4. Don’t try to get her back via texts, e-mails or social media messages
When a woman is being closed off to her ex and is possibly refusing to see him in person or talk to him over the phone, it may be tempting for a guy to try and get her back via text, e-mail or on social media.
For example: A guy might say things like, “Why are you being so cold and distant towards me? Don’t you realize how sorry I am for how I hurt you? Just tell me where I went wrong and I will do whatever it takes to make you trust me again. Please just give me another chance.”
Yet, trying to get her back in that way only turns a woman off even more.
Firstly, if your ex doesn’t want to answer your calls or see you in person right now, what makes you think she will respond favorably to you asking her for another chance via text, e-mail or even worse, on social media?
Texts are the worst in cases like yours.
You have to get to a phone call or talk to her in person.
That is the best way.
In cases like yours, texts just annoy the woman and make her close up even more.
Instead of thinking, “Awww… he’s so sweet. Even though I’ve been so closed off towards him, he hasn’t given up on our love. He clearly cares for me so much. How can I continue being so cold and uncooperative? I owe him a chance after everything he’s put himself through for me,” she will get annoyed by texts and see them as being selfish.
For example: If her ex is texting her about his feelings and trying to work things out, she may think something like, “He still doesn’t get it. He’s so focused on getting me back because it’s what he needs to feel better about himself. He hasn’t once stopped to consider what I want. He’s making it all about him and his feelings. Well, I don’t care about that. I don’t care how he feels. We broke up because certain aspects of his thinking and behavior turned me off and as far as I can see by the way he is communicating now, nothing has changed. He’s still the same guy as before and based on that, I’m just not interested in getting back together again. It’s going to take a lot more than him asking me to give him another chance via text/e-mail/social media for me to change my mind.”
So, if you truly want to break down your ex’s defenses so she opens up to you again, don’t hide behind a smartphone or computer.
Instead, get her on a phone call with you right away and spark her feelings for you (e.g. by using confident humor to break down her defenses).
Then, get her to meet up with you in person where she can experience the new you for herself (e.g. you confidently pass her tests when she’s cold and distant towards you, you make her laugh and smile even though she tries to pretend she’s angry, you make her feel feminine and girly by being more emotionally masculine than her).
That’s what really works to get a woman back.
5. Stop trying to get her to see your point of view
You are most likely a good guy.
You’re a good guy.
In fact, since the break up, you have learned so much and are an even better guy than you ever have been.
You now know where you went wrong and if she will just give you another chance, you really will do better this time around.
Here’s the thing though…
She doesn’t care.
What will make her care?
If you stop trying to get her to see your point of view, understand you, believe you and listen to you and instead, just focus on reactivating her feelings for you.
Interact with her and don’t think about yourself or getting your point of view across.
Just talk to her, make her smile, laugh and feel good.
Flirt with her and build up some sexual tension, even if she is acting a little cold or bitchy.
Be confident, be emotionally masculine and let her feel that coming through in the way you talk, behave and act now.
Be a more attractive version of you than you were before.
Most of all though, don’t give up and lose confidence in yourself if she doesn’t jump and down and give you compliments for how much you’ve changed.
Be a self-approving, self-loving man.
In other words, be confident and have high self esteem regardless of whether she gives you compliments or makes it obvious that she is impressed with her new and improved approach to being a man.
When you do that, she starts to feel good about interacting with you and begins to wonder what it would be like to give you another chance, now that you’re so much more attractive and appealing compared to before.
As a result, she then stops being so defensive around you and opens up to you again.
She now has a reason to get back with you too.
She wants to explore her newfound feelings for you.
She wants to see what will happen if you and her hug, kiss and have sex again.
You seem like so much more of a man now.
So much better than before.
She can sense it and it makes her want to give the relationship another try to see how she feels and to see what will happen.
Using that approach works.
However, if you’re trying to discuss everything with her and get her to see your point of view, you’re just going to keep getting rejected by her because her defenses will remain up.
She will look at your approach to getting her back as being selfish (i.e. you want her back, but aren’t changing to make her feel differently).
When you approach it in the right way, she wants to get back together just as much as you do.
So, do what works and she will be yours once again.