If you’re afraid to contact your ex because you’re worried that she will reject you, here are 5 steps you need to take to get her back:
1. Prepare yourself to reactivate her feelings
Your ex’s feelings can be turned back on.
When you talk to her and interact with her on the phone and in person, you can make her feelings of respect, attraction and love coming flooding back into her heart and mind.
Before you contact her, it’s important that you understand her real reasons for breaking up with you, which are often different to the reasons she provided you.
For example: A woman might break up with a guy because he lacks emotionally masculinity (i.e. he’s too wimpy, insecure or gives her too much power), but she won’t necessarily tell him that when she dumps him.
Instead, she will say something like, “I just don’t feel the same way anymore. I want to break up.”
She doesn’t want to explain the real reason because he would then promise to change that about himself.
He might not be able to change that about himself for weeks, months or even years if he doesn’t get real help and advice about it.
So, if she says, “Yes” and gives him another chance, she will then have to go through another break up with him eventually.
Rather than going through all of that and wasting her time, she just says that she doesn’t feel the same way anymore and wants to break up.
So, if you want your ex back, you must discover her real reasons for breaking up with you (she won’t tell you) and then make some attractive changes to your thinking and behavior.
Watch this video for some examples…
Then, when you do contact her she will be able to feel that you really are different now.
You’re no longer the same guy she broke up with, which means that it will be much harder to reject you.
After all, she will be feeling a renewed sense of respect and attraction for you, which will draw her to you and make her want to explore her feelings further.
Here an example to think about…
A woman broke up with a guy because she felt more emotionally dominant than him and got tired of wearing the pants in the relationship and having to lead him.
If he then contacts her to try and get her back and she acts cold and distant or throws a tantrum and starts saying things like, “What do you want? Why are you calling me? I have nothing to say to you. We are finished! Our relationship is over!” the way he reacts will determine whether she will continue rejecting him or not.
If he gets flustered and tries to calm her down by saying things like, “I’m sorry. I don’t want to bother you. It’s just that I was hoping we could talk about our relationship. Please give me a chance to make things up to you. Just tell me what you want and I’ll do it. I’ll do my best to be the man you want me to be. Please just listen,” she will automatically see that nothing about him has really changed.
He still hasn’t realized that giving her the power in the relationship is what caused her to lose so much respect, attraction and love for him in the first place.
She doesn’t want him looking at her as being the more dominant one and feeling as though he has to bend to her will.
She wants him to have a backbone.
She wants him to be a man that she can look up to and respect, so she can then be his girl.
So, if he can remain confident, let her rant for a while and then guide her back to smiling, laughter and other feel good emotions, she won’t be able to stop herself from feeling some respect for him again.
She will think something like, “Interesting. He’s not reacting like he used to in the past. He’s actually standing up to me and being emotionally strong for once. If this really is the new him, then I am interested. If he’s like this, I won’t be able to stop myself from falling for him again. This is what I’ve wanted all along. Maybe I should give him another chance.”
This is why it’s so important that you prepare yourself before you attempt to contact your ex.
You need to find her deep, hidden reasons for breaking up with you, so that when you do talk to her again (e.g. on the phone or in person), you will be giving her the kind of attraction experience she really wants.
If you don’t already know the real reasons why your ex broke up with you, here are some questions to ask yourself that will help you find out:
- Were you the more emotionally dominant one in the relationship, or were you the nice, sweet guy who pretty much always bent over backwards to do things her way?
- Did you believe in your value and attractiveness to her, or did you feel insecure and secretly feared losing her, which then caused you to become needy, clingy, controlling or jealous?
- Did you and her want the same things in the relationship (e.g. to take things slowly and have fun, go traveling together, move in together, get married), or were you going in completely different directions in life?
- Did you make her feel loved, appreciated and valued, or did you fall into the habit of taking her for granted?
- Did you make her feel like your girl, or like one of your buddies?
- Did you maintain your masculinity in the relationship, or end up acting a bit like her?
- Were you able to build on her feelings of respect, attraction and love over time, or did you assume that the initial love she felt for you should have been enough to keep her for life?
When you fully understand where you went wrong with her, you can then change the things she really wants you to change.
As a result, rejecting you will be the last thing on her mind because she will be feeling surges of respect and attraction for the new you.
2. Don’t try to get her back via text
Sometimes, when a guy is afraid to contact his ex because he’s worried that she will reject him, he might say to himself, “Maybe if I just send her a text instead of calling her on the phone, she will feel less annoyed than if she hears my voice again right away. In that way, I can wear down her defenses and ease her into the idea of giving our relationship another chance.”
He might then send her a text saying something like, “Hey, I just want you to know that I’m really sorry about everything that happened between us. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make you forgive me,” in the hopes that she will think, “Oh, how sweet. I feel so flattered that he’s still thinking about me and willing to do anything to get me back,” and then quickly call him to arrange a meet up.
Yet, here’s the thing…
In almost all instances, when a woman has broken up with a guy and is still feeling a lot of negative emotions (e.g. anger, disappointment, disillusionment) about it, him trying to get her back via text usually only makes her feel more annoyed and turned off.
Texts are just a bunch of words on a screen to her.
It’s not like talking to him in person.
No matter how hard a guy tries to express himself via text, it’s impossible to convey his true emotions, attitude and state of mind.
If he’s feeling confident, she can’t see it in his body language, or hear it in his voice via a text, so she’s usually just going to assume that he’s too insecure and emotionally weak to call her.
So, while he’s sitting around and waiting for her to respond, she’s likely just rolling her eyes and thinking things like, “I can’t believe he doesn’t even have the balls to call me! He’s just sending me a silly text and hoping I’m going to come running back to him based on that. Well he’s in for a big surprise. It’s going to take a lot more than that to convince me to give him another chance.”
Here’s the thing…
Trying to get an ex back via text before you have reactivated her feelings (which is best done via the phone and face-to-face), is usually just a big waste of time.
Contacting an ex via text after a break up, should only ever be the initial step to getting her to talk to you on the phone and in person (e.g. “Hi Jenny, I have to talk to you about something quick. I’ll give you a call in about 10 minutes.”)
On a phone call, it’s so much easier to re-spark her feelings of respect and attraction for you (e.g. by making her smile and laugh) and getting her to agree to a quick catch up.
Warning: If you wait too long to call her (e.g. because you’re afraid that she will reject you) you stand the risk of her finding a new guy and moving on.
So, make sure you get her on a phone call with you right away.
On the phone call…
3. Focus on making her smile, laugh and feel good when she talks to you
Chances are, even if you and your ex parted ways on very good terms, she’s not going to make it easy for you to get her back.
She wants to know that you’re man enough to take responsibility for the ex back process and guide both you and her into a relationship.
She doesn’t want to have to lead you and make things easy for you because this break up is now a perfect opportunity to test how emotionally strong and emotionally mature you really are.
For example: Some of the ways a woman might test her ex’s confidence is by…
- Being cold and even hostile towards him (e.g. saying things like, “What do you want?” or “Why are you calling me?”).
- Pretending to be happy to hear from him and then when he starts to feel happy and relaxed, blow him off by saying things like, “This call is a waste of time. I don’t have feelings for you anymore and nothing is going to change that. Why did you even call me? I think I should just go now.”
- Throwing a tantrum.
- Blaming him for everything that happened between them.
- Being bitchy and mean to see if he will react in a sulky or angry way.
This is why it is very important that no matter what your ex says and does to try to make you feel insecure, you maintain your confidence and show her that you’re no longer the guy you used to be.
How can you do that?
By putting in the effort to become emotionally stronger before you contact her and then using humor to pass her tests when talking to her.
For example: Imagine you’re on a phone call with your ex right now.
She says something like, “What do you want? I don’t want to talk to you. Leave me alone!”
Rather than react by getting upset and thinking something like, “I knew it! That’s why I was afraid to contact her. I knew she would reject me. This is hopeless. I’m never going to get her back!” a better way to respond is to make her smile and laugh to get rid of the negative tension in the moment.
If she says, “What do you want? I don’t want to talk to you. Leave me alone,” you can turn it into something to laugh about together by saying something along the lines of, “I thought you’d say that. Well, you’re not going to get out of paying your debts so easily. If you want me to leave you alone, you’re going to have to pay up first.”
She will likely feel confused and she may say, “What do you mean? What debts? I don’t owe you anything,” and you can then say in a joking way, “Of course you do! Did you forget it was your turn to buy coffee? I always bought coffee for us and it was your turn before you broke up with me. So, when would you like to meet up and get me a coffee? I promise that once you’ve paid up all your debts, I’ll leave you alone. It will be a goodbye coffee. I will not contact you ever again after that if you don’t want me to. So, how about it? Coffee tomorrow?”
If an example like that wouldn’t apply to your situation, here are some more examples for you to give you a better idea of what to do…
When you use humor to get rid of the negative tension, she can’t help but smile and feel attracted to you again, even if she tries to hide it.
She likes the fact that you have the balls to take a risk and be the confident, leading man, rather than hoping that she will be gentle and nice and lead you back into a relationship.
When that happens, she becomes more open to talking to you further and meeting up with you to see for herself what else about you is different.
She will be curious to find out if you really have changed or if you were only putting on an act over the phone to try and get her back.
Just remember: Once you get her to drop her guard, don’t make the mistake of becoming too serious and getting into long, serious discussions about the relationship.
4. Aim only to get her to meet up with you as friends or to say hello as ex’s
After a bit of light hearted conversation where you’ve been sparking her feelings of respect and attraction by maintaining your confidence and making her smile and laugh, you can say, “Hey, I was only joking just now about you owing me coffee, but I still think it would be nice to meet up anyway. How about it? Let’s meet up sometime this week for a quick coffee. I promise I’ll even pay the $5 or whatever is. It’s fine” and then have a laugh about that.
In most cases, a woman won’t say “Yes” to meeting up with her ex right away and will say something like, “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” or “No. I don’t want to do that.”
That’s easier because doesn’t fully believe that you’ve changed, doesn’t want to come across as being too easy, is afraid of getting hurt again or wants to test your confidence to see if you’ll crumble under that little bit of pressure.
So, no matter what she says, don’t let it make you feel insecure and start doubting yourself.
Instead, just relax and say in an easy-going way, “Hey, it’s just a quick cup of coffee between ex’s to say hello in person. We can do that. After all we’re two mature adults. So, it’s no big deal. Just because you agree to meet me for coffee, it doesn’t mean that I assume you are open to ever getting back together. I know we’ve broken up and I accept that. However, that doesn’t mean we can’t drink one cup of coffee together or be just friends, right? Besides, if you decide you never want to see me again, I promise to leave you alone after we catch up for this coffee. So how about it? Which day this week suits you best?”
She will then likely say, “Yes,” or “Okay. Just this once,” and you can then go ahead and arrange a suitable day and time.
5. Get her back at the meet up
You can sit around thinking to yourself, “I’m afraid to contact my ex because I’m worried that she will reject me,” but that kind of fearful approach isn’t going to get her back.
As the man, it’s up to you to be confident enough in your attractiveness to take the lead in the ex back process and guide her back into a relationship with you.
You shouldn’t wait around hoping that your ex will somehow give you a sign that she’s open to getting back together again, because that rarely, if ever happens.
You have to take action to make this happen.
Get her back by being a man who follows through on the ex back process, rather than waiting around, losing confidence and maybe even losing her forever too.
Just do it.
Contact her and get her to meet up with you.
At the meet up, make sure that you continue to make her smile and laugh and show her (via your actions, body language and conversation style) that you really have changed and become a better man since the break up.
When she experiences the new you for herself, her defenses naturally will come down.
She will stop thinking about you in a negative way and she start seeing the possibilities of starting a fresh, new, exciting relationship with you.
So, stop worrying about what she might say or do and just start getting her back right now.
Time is ticking…