If your wife isn’t affectionate anymore it either means that:
1. You have slipped into being neutral around her, rather than being masculine and making her feel girly in your presence.
As a result, you and her feel more like friends than a man and wife who are attracted to each other and excited about being in love with each other.
2. She feels as though affection and sex no longer need to be a big part of your marriage because you’ve already done that in the past and now she just wants to grow old together.
3. You have done things that have caused her to lose respect and attraction for you over the past few months or years and she no longer feels that kind of spark with you.
If you have been turning her off (e.g. by being insecure, moody, argumentative, irritable), you can fix that and start making her feel attracted to you from now on.
4. She doesn’t feel much excitement about the idea of getting sexual with you at the moment, because for a long time, you’ve pretty much done the same thing every time, or your sexual approach to her is very neutral rather than being very masculine at times (you don’t have to do it all the time).
5. You have been too serious in your interactions with her and there is no longer enough laughter and humor between you to make her feel comfortable about being affectionate. She feels uptight around you rather than happy, positive and relaxed.
Which of the above do you think applies to your situation?
Whatever the case is for you and your wife, just know this: You can get the spark back.
The reason why is that the amount of attraction that your wife will feel for you on a day to day basis, is pretty much within your control. It’s based on how you think, talk, feel, behave and act around her.
So, the question is: Have you been actively making your wife feel attracted to you as a man, or have you slipped into taking her feelings of attraction for granted?
Attraction is easy in the beginning of a relationship because it’s all new and exciting, but as a relationship matures, you need to keep adding fuel to the fire of attraction to keep it alight.
Sometimes, the guys who say, “My wife is not affectionate anymore,” make the mistake of assuming that if a woman stops wanting to hug, kiss, hold hands and have sex, it’s pretty much her fault.
For example: He might say things like, “She’s turned into a plain Jane women who isn’t interested in sex” or “She baited me into marrying her with sex and now she’s withholding it” or “She always seems to have a headache, be too tired or not be in the mood,” or “She used to be so loving and affectionate when we first got married, I just don’t understand what’s wrong with her.”
Yes, it can sometimes be the woman’s fault, but in a relationship, it’s the man’s responsibility to lead the way to deeper feelings of love, respect and attraction over time.
In the past, a woman would stick with a man for life because it was shameful to divorce, but in today’s world, many women are seeking to leave their husband if the spark dies out and he doesn’t make the effort to get it back.
In most cases, the wife will only begin to consider leaving after she opens herself up to flirting with other guys (e.g. coworkers) and feeling much more attraction and excitement around them.
She might not stray immediately, but if the spark has long since died at home and her husband is blaming her for it, she might seek to feel happy and attracted around other men.
So, the question you need to ask yourself is, “If my wife is not affectionate anymore, what is causing her to be this way and what can I do about it?”
The First Year of Marriage is Often the Best For Many Couples
Have you ever seen those married couples who, after decades of being together, are still madly in love, affectionate and happy to be around each other?
If that is happening, the husband either has the ability to deepen his wife’s feelings of love, respect and attraction for him and that is the result, or they just got extremely lucky and are a perfect match who just seem to click.
What is possible for couples is that every year of a relationship or marriage can actually feel better, bring more happiness and bring you closer together.
That really is possible and at the end of the day, that is what a relationship is all about anyway. You should be better off with each other than you would be on your own or with someone else.
Yet, not all couples get to experience that because they are either incompatible or the husband doesn’t have the ability to guide the relationship to deeper feelings of love, respect and attraction over time.
When a couple first gets married, it’s easy for everything to feel “perfect” because they’re usually both so happy about having found each other, and because the attraction they feel is often still very much alive.
The novelty of being married is emphasized by the physical affection they share with each other. They hold hands, even when at home alone watching TV, they touch and hug often and the sex happens spontaneously, often and in many rooms around the house.
The couple makes time for each other, compliments each other, makes an effort to do nice things for each other and both generally try to show the other person how lucky they feel to be married to him or her.
Yet, as the thrill of the first year wears off, life slowly creeps in and other things, like work, bills, paying the mortgage, running a household, possibly having a child (or more), etc., begin to take precedence; and unfortunately, the first thing that begins to suffer is the intimacy in the relationship.
Have You Been Making Any of These Mistakes?
As a man, it is your responsibility to keep the spark alive in your relationship.
Although a woman will take on the responsibility in some cases or some of the time, she will usually just wait for you to take the lead and make her feel the that way she wants to feel.
If your wife is not being affectionate anymore, it could be because you have been making one (or more) of these mistakes…
1. Have you been taking her for granted?
The love, respect and attraction that you and your wife feel for each other is something that will fade away if it isn’t taken care of, nourished and built on over the long term.
Essentially this means that you have to make sure that even when life gets crazy, you don’t stop making her feel loved, appreciated, valued and attracted.
Unfortunately, some guys buckle under the pressure of everyday life and they stop genuinely noticing their wife and showing interest in the efforts she makes to be a good wife, look good for her husband, keep a neat and tidy home, cook all his favorite foods, take care of the children, etc.
The husband comes to expect that she should be doing that and that’s just how things are. Yet, it isn’t 1900 anymore. Women can leave a marriage if they want to.
Your wife might not be the type who wants to break up a marriage, but if she feels like you take her for granted, it’s only natural that she isn’t going to want to reward you with affection for that.
Has this ever happened to you?
Has your wife ever asked you for your opinion on an outfit she was wearing, and instead of really looking at her and taking the time to appreciate her efforts to look good, you glanced up from the TV or your paperwork and grunted a stock standard reply like, “Yeah, sure honey, that’s fine,” or “Whatever you like is fine by me.”
Although chances are high that you think she looks beautiful no matter what and that she’s a better judge of fashion than you, it’s not what she is wearing that matters to her.
What matters to her is whether you are noticing that she’s trying to please you because she knows that her appearance is what men are attracted to the most.
She knows that you will find other women attractive and she wants to know that you still look at her as the sexiest woman on Earth. She wants to feel as though you get a “Wow!” feeling inside of you when she puts in an effort to look good for you.
If she doesn’t get that from you, she may try to get that reaction from other men (e.g. coworkers) who are interested in her.
Another example is letting her down or changing your plans with her at the last minute and just expecting her to keep putting up with that type of treatment.
Let’s say she’s booked a babysitter so that the two of you can go out for the night for the first time in months, but at the last minute you call her to tell her that you have to work late, or you’ve been invited for a drink with the boss after work (and how could you possibly say no to the boss?)
You might not see it as a big deal because you and her can reschedule you night out some other time, after all work is important because it’s your way of taking care of her, but to her it is a big deal because you’re choosing to put your job and other people before her.
Obviously, plans do need to change at the last minute from time to time, and obviously taking care of your job is important, but if you’ve slipped into the habit of putting her second on a regular basis, then you are taking her for granted and she is naturally going to start feeling unloved and undervalued.
There’s nothing wrong with changing plans, but if you do it too often because you essentially take her for granted, it isn’t going to make her feel like rewarding you with loving affection.
Playing hard to get works with women in the dating stages, but in a marriage, you actually have to care about your wife and her feelings. She’s got to be the person that you love and care about the most.
2. Have you put her in the position of power?
Caring about your wife and her feelings doesn’t mean that you should let her walk all over you.
A woman will always test you to see how much she can get away with and to see whether or not you are still the man (or the one wearing the pants) in the relationship.
If you let your wife boss you around and step all over your feelings, needs and wants, she will naturally lose respect for you as a man.
When a woman doesn’t fully respect her man, she also loses the desire to be affectionate with him.
Touching him in any way, whether it’s just to hug or kiss or hold hands, or being more intimate and having sex, will make her feel a bit repulsed and uncomfortable.
Why? Women are sexually attracted to confident men who are mentally and emotionally strong and who can, and will, continually take the lead in a relationship.
When a husband gives in to whatever his wife wants because he is fearful of losing her, she naturally loses respect for him and when that happens for long enough, she loses touch with her feelings of attraction for him.
3. Have you been hiding from your true potential as a man?
A woman will marry a man even if he isn’t powerful and successful because she can see that he has the potential to succeed.
However, if when they get married, he begins to use her and the relationship as an excuse to hide from his true potential in life, she will feel turned off by him, annoyed by him, betrayed by him and disappointed in him.
She will feel as though he lured her into the marriage with the false bravado of one day getting promoted at work, taking on a better job or succeeding with the business he’s always wanted to run, but when she said, “I do” he felt like he’d gotten her and could now relax and stop putting in so much effort to become successful.
Have you been following through on your dreams and ambitions since you got married to your wife?
Are you still rising through the levels of life with purpose, or are you making excuses about why you’re not becoming more successful or why you’ve stopped following through on your goals and ambitions?
Having a setback is absolutely fine, but falling into a pattern of hiding from success and your true potential will cause your wife to lose respect and attraction for you and she’ll feel repulsed by the idea of touching you or getting intimate with you.
A woman wants to feel proud of her man. She wants to be able to feel safe in the knowing that her man will continue to push forward to create a better life for himself, her and any offspring they have.
Opening Up the Flow of Love and Affection Again
It can be difficult to break a habit, but it can be done.
Right now, you’re saying, “My wife is not affectionate anymore,” because she may have fallen into the habit of being negative and not caring about the physical side of your relationship or even about being affectionate towards you.
To change that, you have to chip away at the bad habit, by slowly introducing better habits.
1. From now on, make an effort once per day to notice her and genuinely complement her about how she looks, or for cooking a nice meal. Mean what you say, rather than just saying it without emotion or authenticity.
2. Ensure that unless it is absolutely necessary, you keep all your promises to her and try to place her needs before things that can be placed second.
3. Once a week, tell her what you are grateful for about her as a wife and a lover (yes, even a lover. Find a way to put a positive spin on it).
Eventually, when she realizes that you’re being genuine and honest with her she will start telling YOU why she’s grateful for you. She will also appreciate that you’re not nagging her about the lag of sex and are instead focusing on the positives of the sex that you and her have.
4. Don’t wait for her to initiate affection – once every few days (to begin with), stop and give her a warm, loving hug. Hold her hand for 30 seconds to a minute when you’re watching TV or at the movies, even if she initially squirms or doesn’t want to. Eventually she’ll stop being so cold and she’ll begin to initiate those things herself.
5. Smile and laugh more often.
Giving off positive vibes and being in a good mood will help to create a more loving environment, allowing her to become more open and interested in being more affectionate towards you.
Okay, I hope that helps and if you need any more help, I hope that you check out my programs on relationships here at The Modern Man.