If your wife isn’t affectionate anymore it could mean one of the following:
1. You have slipped into being neutral around her, rather than being masculine and making her feel girly in your presence.
Inside, you may feel very masculine or confident, but she’s not going to feel any desire to be affectionate if you don’t use your masculinity to make her feel girly in comparison to you.
If you just generally behave like a confident, masculine man, but don’t put that on her (i.e. playfully tackle her onto the bed and hug her and kiss her, pick her up (if you are able to) and carry her over to the couch, be a little rough with her in a loving way), then she’s not going to be feeling girl in comparison to you.
As a result, you and her will feel more like friends, than a man and wife who are attracted to each other and excited about being in love with each other.
2. She feels as though affection and sex no longer need to be a big part of your marriage because you’ve already done that in the past and now she just wants to grow old together.
You can change how she feels about that, but you need to ensure that she is not getting the impression that you NEED affection and sex from her to feel okay about yourself.
Let her affection and the sex that you have come naturally as a result of you creating a loving relationship dynamic and occasionally making her feel very girly in comparison to your masculine approach.
3. You have done things that have caused her to lose respect and attraction for you over the past few months or years and she no longer feels that kind of spark with you.
If you have been turning her off (e.g. by being insecure, moody, argumentative, irritable, needy), you can fix that and start making her feel attracted to you from now on.
4. She doesn’t feel much excitement about the idea of getting sexual with you at the moment, because the energy you bring to the sex is too predictable.
For a long time, you’ve pretty much done the same thing every time, or your sexual approach to her has been quite neutral (i.e. more like a friend).
To make her enjoy the sex more, start looking at her as being less dominant than you and then doing what you want with her during sex.
Let her feel as though you’re not holding back on what you really want to do to her (e.g. the way you squeeze her breasts, grab her body, move her around, kiss her neck, give it to her from behind).
5. You have been too serious in your interactions with her and there is no longer enough laughter and humor between you to make her feel comfortable about being affectionate.
As a result, she feels uptight around you rather than happy, positive and relaxed.
It seems as though you are just hanging around each other, tolerating each other and hoping that things might improve in future.
Yet, things remain pretty much the same because you’re doing the same things as before, or you’ve tried to improve or change, but have only really changed a little bit.
For example: Sometimes a man will need to become 100% more masculine in his behavior around his woman, or the way he touches her, but he will become 20% more masculine.
She will feel a bit more attracted to him, but not enough to get excited about, especially if she senses that he fears being more masculine around her in case she challenges him (e.g. pretends not to like it, pretends to get angry, says that he’s acting weird).
If he’s not prepared for the fact that a woman WILL challenge a man (to see if his newfound grasp on masculinity is real or not) when he starts being more masculine around her, then he will mistake her reaction as rejection or disapproval.
The reality is though that women ALWAYS feel more attracted when a man is more masculine.
There is no doubt about that at all.
However, if you are unable to handle her challenge when she tests you, then she won’t feel more attracted and will instead feel as though you still haven’t fully grasped how to be a man.
So, with the 5 possible reasons above, which of the above do you think applies to your situation the most?
Whatever the case is for you and your wife, just know this: You CAN get the spark back.
The reason why, is that the amount of attraction that your wife will feel for you on a day to day basis, is pretty much within your control.
It’s based on how you think, talk, feel, behave and act around her.
So, the question is: Have you been actively making your wife feel attracted to you as a man, or have you slipped into taking her feelings of attraction for granted?
Have you been simply being a good man and trying to be a little more confident, less insecure and manly, but haven’t really let her el that when you touch her, or interact with her closely?
Sometimes, the guys who say, “My wife is not affectionate anymore,” will make the mistake of assuming that if a woman stops wanting to hug, kiss, hold hands and have sex, it’s pretty much her fault.
For example: He might say things like, “She’s turned into a plain Jane women who isn’t interested in sex” or “She baited me into marrying her with sex and now she’s withholding it” or “She always seems to have a headache, be too tired or not be in the mood,” or “She used to be so loving and affectionate when we first got married, I just don’t understand what’s wrong with her.”
Yes, it can sometimes be the woman’s fault, but in a relationship, it’s the man’s responsibility to lead the way to deeper feelings of love, respect and attraction over time.
A woman reacts to the dynamic that a man creates.
If a man creates a dynamic where they both have equal dominance, the woman will go along with it, but she will feel as though they are more like friends and as a result, will slowly lose her desire to be affectionate or sexual with him.
If a man creates a dynamic where the woman is more dominant (in her energy, her ability to sway the mood in her direction, get her husband to bend to her will), then she will go along with it, but she will struggle to feel attracted to him because he is a weaker force than her.
If a man creates a dynamic where he is always only more dominant in a subtle way, then she will feel respect and attraction for him, but won’t be jumping all over him with affection, or regularly desiring sex.
If a man creates a dynamic where is dominant in a subtle way a lot of the time, but much more obviously dominant occasionally (i.e. based on how he touches her, lovingly laughs at her when she is trying to intimidate her with her anger or tantrum, the way he pushes up against her and makes his presence felt) and is a good man to her, then she will naturally feel desire to be affectionate and to have sex.
The woman is simply reacting to the man.
So, while it’s okay to blame her for being a pain in the butt, you’re not really going to win anything by doing that.
As a man, you just have to take responsibility for the dynamic and turn it into what you want.
It might feel a bit scary, awkward or difficult to suddenly be more masculine, but just know that it will make your relationship so much easier when you get used to it.
She will naturally respect you more, be more affectionate and be much more into sex than she has in a long time.
She is Reacting to the Dynamic You’ve Created Between You and Her
Have you ever seen those married couples who, after decades of being together, are still madly in love, affectionate and happy to be around each other?
If that is happening, the husband has created a relationship dynamic where love and affection flows.
Just know that he could ruin the relationship by creating a different dynamic.
For example: Over time, she could go from loving him to resenting and then hating him, if he became an insecure, needy (in terms of affection), irritable man around her.
Yet, if he keeps the dynamic right, then they will remain happy and love each other more over time.
That’s how it works.
Yet, not all couples get to experience that because the relationship dynamic isn’t right and the man (or the woman) doesn’t know how to fix it.
Before they know it, they’re arguing about a lack of respect, love, affection or sex and feeling like they’ve made a mistake in marrying each other.
Yet, they haven’t made a mistake in marrying each other, but simply have a relationship dynamic that isn’t allowing respect, love, affection and sex to flow naturally and consistently.
Have You Been Making Any of These Mistakes?
1. Have you been taking her for granted?
The love, respect and attraction that you and your wife feel for each other is something that will fade away if it isn’t taken care of, nourished and built on over the long term.
Essentially this means that you have to make sure that even when life gets crazy, you don’t stop making her feel loved, appreciated, valued and attracted.
Unfortunately, some guys buckle under the pressure of everyday life and they stop genuinely noticing their wife and showing interest in the efforts she makes to be a good wife, look good for her husband, keep a neat and tidy home, cook all his favorite foods, take care of the children, etc.
The husband comes to expect that she should be doing that and that’s just how things are. Yet, it isn’t 1900 anymore. Women can leave a marriage if they want to.
Your wife might not be the type who wants to break up a marriage, but if she feels like you take her for granted, it’s only natural that she isn’t going to want to reward you with affection for that.
Has this ever happened to you?
Has your wife ever asked you for your opinion on an outfit she was wearing, and instead of really looking at her and taking the time to appreciate her efforts to look good, you glanced up from the TV or your paperwork and grunted a stock standard reply like, “Yeah, sure honey, that’s fine,” or “Whatever you like is fine by me.”
Although chances are high that you think she looks beautiful no matter what and that she’s a better judge of fashion than you, it’s not what she is wearing that matters to her.
What matters to her is whether you are noticing that she’s trying to please you because she knows that her appearance is what men are attracted to the most.
She knows that you will find other women attractive and she wants to know that you still look at her as the sexiest woman on Earth. She wants to feel as though you get a “Wow!” feeling inside of you when she puts in an effort to look good for you.
If she doesn’t get that from you, she may try to get that reaction from other men (e.g. coworkers) who are interested in her.
Another example is letting her down or changing your plans with her at the last minute and just expecting her to keep putting up with that type of treatment.
Let’s say she’s booked a babysitter so that the two of you can go out for the night for the first time in months, but at the last minute you call her to tell her that you have to work late, or you’ve been invited for a drink with the boss after work (and how could you possibly say no to the boss?)
You might not see it as a big deal because you and her can reschedule you night out some other time, after all work is important because it’s your way of taking care of her, but to her it is a big deal because you’re choosing to put your job and other people before her.
Obviously, plans do need to change at the last minute from time to time, and obviously taking care of your job is important, but if you’ve slipped into the habit of putting her second on a regular basis, then you are taking her for granted and she is naturally going to start feeling unloved and undervalued.
There’s nothing wrong with changing plans, but if you do it too often because you essentially take her for granted, it isn’t going to make her feel like rewarding you with loving affection.
Playing hard to get works with women in the dating stages, but in a marriage, you actually have to care about your wife and her feelings. She’s got to be the person that you love and care about the most.
2. Have you put her in the position of power?
Caring about your wife and her feelings doesn’t mean that you should let her walk all over you.
A woman will always test you to see how much she can get away with and to see whether or not you are still the man (or the one wearing the pants) in the relationship.
If you let your wife boss you around and step all over your feelings, needs and wants, she will naturally lose respect for you as a man.
When a woman doesn’t fully respect her man, she also loses the desire to be affectionate with him.
Touching him in any way, whether it’s just to hug or kiss or hold hands, or being more intimate and having sex, will make her feel a bit repulsed and uncomfortable.
Why? Women are sexually attracted to confident men who are mentally and emotionally strong and who can, and will, continually take the lead in a relationship.
When a husband gives in to whatever his wife wants because he is fearful of losing her, she naturally loses respect for him and when that happens for long enough, she loses touch with her feelings of attraction for him.
3. Have you been hiding from your true potential as a man?
A woman will marry a man even if he isn’t powerful and successful because she can see that he has the potential to succeed.
However, if when they get married, he begins to use her and the relationship as an excuse to hide from his true potential in life, she will feel turned off by him, annoyed by him, betrayed by him and disappointed in him.
She will feel as though he lured her into the marriage with the false bravado of one day getting promoted at work, taking on a better job or succeeding with the business he’s always wanted to run, but when she said, “I do” he felt like he’d gotten her and could now relax and stop putting in so much effort to become successful.
Have you been following through on your dreams and ambitions since you got married to your wife?
Are you still rising through the levels of life with purpose, or are you making excuses about why you’re not becoming more successful or why you’ve stopped following through on your goals and ambitions?
Having a setback is absolutely fine, but falling into a pattern of hiding from success and your true potential will cause your wife to lose respect and attraction for you and she’ll feel repulsed by the idea of touching you or getting intimate with you.
A woman wants to feel proud of her man. She wants to be able to feel safe in the knowing that her man will continue to push forward to create a better life for himself, her and any offspring they have.
Opening Up the Flow of Love and Affection Again
It can be difficult to break a habit, but it can be done.
Right now, you’re saying, “My wife is not affectionate anymore,” because she may have fallen into the habit of being negative and not caring about the physical side of your relationship or even about being affectionate towards you.
To change that, you have to chip away at the bad habit, by slowly introducing better habits.
1. From now on, make an effort once per day to notice her and genuinely complement her about how she looks, or for cooking a nice meal. Mean what you say, rather than just saying it without emotion or authenticity.
2. Ensure that unless it is absolutely necessary, you keep all your promises to her and try to place her needs before things that can be placed second.
3. Once a week, tell her what you are grateful for about her as a wife and a lover (yes, even a lover. Find a way to put a positive spin on it).
Eventually, when she realizes that you’re being genuine and honest with her she will start telling YOU why she’s grateful for you. She will also appreciate that you’re not nagging her about the lag of sex and are instead focusing on the positives of the sex that you and her have.
4. Don’t wait for her to initiate affection – once every few days (to begin with), stop and give her a warm, loving hug. Hold her hand for 30 seconds to a minute when you’re watching TV or at the movies, even if she initially squirms or doesn’t want to. Eventually she’ll stop being so cold and she’ll begin to initiate those things herself.
5. Smile and laugh more often.
Giving off positive vibes and being in a good mood will help to create a more loving environment, allowing her to become more open and interested in being more affectionate towards you.
Okay, I hope that helps and if you need any more help, I hope that you check out my programs on relationships here at The Modern Man.